Continuing Jokes Thread

[GregMeady]

IRISH TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


”What's that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock.” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“YUP, it is” replied the drunk.

“How's it work?” the friend asked; squinting at it.

“Watch” the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

“You *******! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!”

 

[karrathabrewer]

Name this comic.


Three blokes walk into a pub. Well, I say three... could be four or five. Or ten, doesn't matter. Fifteen? Twenty? Fifty... let's round it up to a hundred. What about two-fifty? Double or nothing... five hundred. A thousand... madness! Five thousand... A small town in Hertfordshire walks into a pub! Fifteen thousand! Alright... the population of Rotterdam. The Hague. The whole of Northern Holland. No, mainland UK. Let's go all the way; Europe, alright? The whole of Europe goes into a pub... I say Europe, could be Eurasia... Alright, continents... North America! Plus South America. Plus Antarctica, but that's just eight blokes in a weather station... not a good example. Alright, let's make it simple. All the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? The first bloke goes up to the bar and says, "I'll get the first round."

What an idiot.

Bill Bailey right?

 

[Woong]

From a 10 year old kid on the ABC radio kids joke contest :

What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees

 

[Woong]

From a 10 year old kid on the ABC radio kids joke contest :

What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees

And:

Why was Cinderella no good at soccer?


Coz her coach was a pumpkin, and she always ran away from the ball.


Haha. Christmas cracker jokes!

 

[ein stein]

Why is Santa's sack so big?


He only comes once a year...

 

[DU99]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’

.

.


The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.

 

[DU99]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and six children. Five of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the sixth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife" the husband whispers "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father". The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other five".

 

[DU99]

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says in a dreamy voice, “but I feel much luckier naked…” and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. “Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!”

The roulette wheel stops on 13. “I won I WON!!!” Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: “Did she bet on 13?”

“I don’t know,” said the other dealer. “I thought you were looking…”


Conclusions:
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men – are always MEN!

 

[Zorco]

I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years.....

I don't have 2020 vision.

 

[Zorco]

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.

If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.

 

[Garfield]

I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years.....

I don't have 2020 vision.

Oh Zorco... It's such a shame you'll only be able to tell that joke until the end of next year

 

[Zorco]

building my flux capacitor in the shed my donky fearing friend.[emoji38]

 

[DU99]

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

 

[DU99]

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

 

[DU99]

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why do we feel blue? And what colour does a smurf feel when they are down?

What does OK actually mean?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

Why are things typed up but written down?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

 

[Feldon]

And why isn't the word phonetic spelled like it sounds?

 

[Airgead]

Some of those actually have answers!

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

The answers are -

• The future
• It depends on your frame of reference
• Because books are made up of stack of folded blocks called quires and they always have an even number of pages. They are also all the same size for a particular book. So if your book finishes on an odd page, or doesn't quite fill the last quire you will have blank pages
• No

 

[Garfield]

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A darn good question!

 

[Snow]

What does OK actually mean?

There's a pretty good article on the etymology of OK in Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OK

Cheers - Snow

 

[wide eyed and legless]

A Colonel has been to a regimental dinner, had to much to eat and drink and on his way back to his quarters he is sick all down the front of his dress uniform. When he gets back to his quarters he is embarrassed and says to the batman, "A drunken squaddie bumped into me and spewed down the front of my uniform, get it cleaned up and remind me in the morning to give him 28 days jankers"
The next morning the batman is getting the Colonel dressed, he reminds the Colonel of what he said,
"You told me sir to remind you to give the squaddie who spewed down the front of your uniform 28 days jankers, but sir if you don't mind me saying I would be giving him 56 days jankers." The Colonel asks the batman, "Why is that" The batman replied, " Because he went and **** in your pants as well"

 

[Barry Black]

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side!

 

[DU99]

A mathematician is interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a while and replies "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities".

The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks "And what if the building is not on fire?"

After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence "I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"

 

[DU99]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

 

[DU99]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

 

[DU99]

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

 

[awfulknauful]

Why are Kiwi horses so fast, they have seen what happens to the sheep.

 

[GregMeady]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

 

[DU99]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says

"Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes"

Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"

 

[DU99]

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Went to a gig to see The Pretenders, turned out to be a cover band.