Continuing Jokes Thread

[drew9242]

Dear Family & Friends and Forum Members,

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest family, friends, and forum members about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had three of four pints of ale, two cocktails, and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police RBT road block but, since it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Keep it for future use

 

[warra48]

These workmen are installing cast-iron bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .

They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

If you can spot why they're not going home you are smarter than they are

 

[drew9242]

Haha reminds of a bloke I knew. He was cutting some wood , problem was he was standing on the side he was cutting off. Hmmm took a bit of a fall.

 

[KingKong]

Thieves have stolen 50 crates of red bull from the local shop.

I just don't know how the *******s can sleep at night.

 

[Ivan Other One]

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

 

[warra48]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

[Liam_snorkel]

Q. why did the chicken cross the road?

A. to get to the other side.

 

[peas_and_corn]

It's funny because it means death

 

[marksfish]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

a few hundred thousand public servants.

 

[GuyQLD]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

I love the smell of misinformation in the morning.

a few hundred thousand public servants.

This too.

 

[Ivan Other One]

2 priests are at the vatican pisstrough,
1 looks at the others **** and notices a Nicobate patch.
You are supposed to put that onyour arm, not your ****.
The other relplies,
It's working fine, I'm down to 2 butts a day,,,,,,

 

[DU99]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Sh#t Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

 

[Malted]

Waitress in Tescos just asked me what I'd like on my burger? I said a Fiver each way!

5 people taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers were said to be in a ...stable condition.

Just checked the Tesco burgers in the freezer and.....they're off!

 

[Liam_snorkel]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

I love the smell of misinformation in the morning.

It's actually funny now, knowing that Warra48 is a pensioner.

 

[Malted]

Farkin cyclists in their farkin spandex! So the Tour Down Under is in January; why do they need to get about in spandex in say October - are they trying to get a head start?
Everybody hates cyclists; ever noticed that the bike lane is in the parking lane area?
Do you know what the fine is for opening your door when they ride past? Nothing!
I park there all day waiting for them to come past so I can open my door.
You have to get your timing right though because 'objects in the mirror are closer than they appear'.

Adapted from Montreal Comedy Festival I saw on TV the other night.

 

[white.grant]

Not funny Malted.

 

[Cocko]

Twas a funny skit.

 

[peas_and_corn]

It isn't October.

 

[warra48]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He chugs it down quickly and orders another. Same thing... he chugs it down quickly and orders another.

"Geez, mate... what's your hurry?," asks the barmaid.

"Well," replies the guy, "If you only had what I have you'd drink fast, too!"

"What do you have?", asks the barmaid.

"About 75 cents."

 

[Mzungu]

haha, gold mate