Continuing Jokes Thread

[punkin]

I read the South Sydney Supporters Club just got back from a trip to an orphanage in Zimbabwe.

The statement in the newspaper read;

" It was a great opportunity to meet such underprivelidged people with so little hope, and to possible bring some happiness into their lives" Said Alfred Mgombo aged six.

 

[bigandhairy]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

 

[white.grant]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says"Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids..'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[brettprevans]

You can’t beat logic!
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around three 6-packs - starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, in 15 years you have spent roughly $162,000, Correct?

Man: Correct

Lady Interviewer: Did it every occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your ****** Ferrari?

 

[white.grant]

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring
it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his
last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him
across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked
slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The
big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The
same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time Frank was knee'd in the groin
and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the cockroach left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in
a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his
doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I
do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

 

[djar007]

http://brookstonbeerbulletin.com/what-kind-of-beer-drinker-are-you/

 

[Camo6]

One day Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden when suddenly God appeared above him.

"Adam, my child, how are enjoying the world I have created for you?" said The Lord.

"Oh its just swell." said Adam. "You've done an outstanding job milord, but... it can be a bit lonely."

When God heard this He knew what was required and He took from Adam a part of his ribs and created Eve.

"My gift to you, my child, to ease your loneliness and give you the gift of Love." the Lord said as he withdrew to leave the pair to get to know one another.

A few days passed when the Lord reappeared in the sky before Adam, who was resting in the long grass after another extended bout of lovemaking.

"Adam, my child, how are you enjoying your new partner?"

"My God she's fantastic!" exclaimed Adam. "We haven't stopped lovemaking since you created her."

"And where is Eve now my child?" enquired the Lord.

"Oh, she's done by the river washing herself." said Adam.

Suddenly the sky turned black. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed. The wind howled and the ground shook. God's face grew dark and a look of omnipotent anger crossed his features.

Adam flung himself to the ground, shaking in fear. He looked up at the Lord and pleaded "My Lord, what's wrong?!"

"Wrong? WRONG?!" boomed the Lord. "HOW WILL I GET THE SMELL OUT OF THE FISH NOW?"

 

[white.grant]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
...
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

 

[philmud]

The "to starter or not to starter" thread reminded me of this one:

An octogenarian visited his GP, who asked how he was;
"I'm great Doc, never felt better - I married a 20 year old model last month and this week we found out she's going to have my baby"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says;
"Let me tell you a story: a man went out hunting one day, but absent mindedly took his umbrella instead of his rifle. Walking along a creek he spotted a beaver on the bank. He raised his umbrella and went to pull the trigger and at that exact moment there was a gunshot and the beaver fell down dead. What do you make of that?"
The old man thinks for a moment and says,
"Well Doc, I think someone else must've shot that beaver".
"That" replies the Doctor "is my point exactly"

 

[WarmBeer]

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and orders a Double Entendre.

So the bartender gives her one.

 

[WarmBeer]

Q: What's the dumbest animal in the forest?








A: The polar bear.

 

[petesbrew]

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter: a duck. One day the farmer is sittin? down paying off last month?s heating bill when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So the boy started off to town.

He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than the *** of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The ******* begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had ***.

An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he **** her again because it was the best ******* of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.

Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boy?s hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and appologizes for the boy?s duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.

Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boy?s reply was this:

"I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and 25 bucks for a ****** up duck."

 

[punkin]

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.






An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained:

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ******* Frenchmen to show it to."






My job is so ******* unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the ******* stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ******* dog to work.
Every ******* day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single ******* day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and ****.

 

[Camo6]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were sitting at the bar having a drink and complaining about the price of a pint.

The Englishman said " You know in my local, when you sit down at the bar you get the first pint for free."

The Scotsman scoffed and said "Aye, that's nuthin laddie. In my old pub you'd get a wee heavy and a single malt just for walkin in the door."

The Irishman laughed and said " Yer boys are gettin ripped. In my local inn ya get free piss all night and when ya carnt drink no more they drag ya upstairs and shag yer brains out."

The others looked at him in disbelief and the Scotsman said "Did this happen to you Paddy?"

"No" said Paddy, "but it happened to mah sister."

 

[Camo6]

A new inmate is placed in his cell and confronted by a hulking brute of a man. Six foot four and one hundred and forty kilos of shaven headed, tattooed muscle.

There is an uncomfortable silence between them before the brute says "We're gonna play mummies and daddies. You wanna be mummy, or daddy?"

The inmate thinks about this before gulping and whispering "I think I'd like to play daddy."

"THEN GET OVER HERE AND SUCK MUMMY'S ****!"

 

[eungaibitter1]

A new publican has just taken over a small town pub out west. His predecessor gives him an excersize book full of credit purchases. "good luck getting any of it though mate, like blood from a stone around here."

A couple of hours later, his first customer arrives. He asks for a carton of beer and a bottle of plonk. The publican goes and gets the goods and puts them on the bar."put 'em down in the book under simmo, thanks mate."
"sorry simmo," the publican replies, "I won't be keeping a book."
"well, just write it up on yer blackboard there then."
"sorry mate, I won't be doing that either."
simmo grabs the grog off the bar and heads for the door. He looks back at the publican and says, " I hope you got a fucken good memory then."

 

[Droopy Brew]

Old Clancy is chasing some rabbits on his farm but when he climbs over the fence he accidentally discharges the rifle into his groin.

When he wakes up the doctor is standing next to his bed in the hospital. He says 'Hello Clancy do you know why you are here?'
Clancy recalls the accident.
"Ok, well I have some good news and some bad news, the bad news is you have shot your pecker off. The good news is your insurance will pay out $7000.'

The doc continued- "Now we can fit you up with a reconstructed **** for $1000 per inch. But this is an important decision that you should talk to your wife about. You might want to spend the 7k and get a regular 7 inch version or your wife might like something bigger like a 9 incher but you will need to find the additional money. However, if she is petite she may prefer a 5 or 6 inch and hang onto 1 or 2 K.'

' Your wife is coming in now- discuss it with her as the sooner we perform the surgery the better the chances of success.'

Clancy has some eranest discussions with his wife and then the doc comes in.
"So have we made a decision yet? What are you getting?'



"Yes' said a forlorn Clancy, ' we are getting new granite bench tops.'

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Last birthday my wife bought me a pair of slippers and a packet of flavoured condoms, I said we'll give these a go tonight , that night the wife disappears under the bed clothes and promptly comes back up again. Yuk I didn't think they would have a cheese and onion flavour, I said hold your horses I haven't got one on yet.

 

[wide eyed and legless]

2 old guys sitting out side a retirement home, both with a touch of Alzheimer's, its a warm day and one says to the other, "I think I will walk to the shop and get an ice-cream". 2nd man says, "Yes good idea I will have one too, but write it down". 1 st man says, "I am going to get some nuts sprinkled on the top of mine" and the 2nd man says, "Yes I will have that too but please write it down". The first man says, "Its al-right the shops 20 meters away I won't forget".
1st man returns from the shop and says to the second man, "Here's your pie" 2nd man says, You silly bugger I told you that you would forget, where's the sauce!

 

[punkin]

http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/