Continuing Jokes Thread

[Ducatiboy stu]

Pretty sure sure he saw a herd of nuns and mistook them for a flock of Friesians...

 

[wide eyed and legless]

In a small village in Russia just 200 kilometres from Minsk the village cow had dried up, so with no milk for the village the men went to seek the advice of the Wise Man of the Woods. On explaining their predicament to the wise man he told them they had to go and get a new cow for the village. The men returned to the village and discussed buying a new cow, every 3 rd Friday of the month a cattle market was held in Minsk so it was decided that one of the men would have to go and purchase a milking cow.
On the return with the cow the men held another meeting and decided to go and seek the advice of the Wise Man of the Woods to discuss with him the ways to prevent such a predicament happening again. The wise man advised that the men should borrow the fine bull which was owned by the next village and get the bull to service their cow, the men did as advised and try as they might the cow would not let the bull service her.
In desperation they again went to seek the advice of the Wise Man of the Woods, they explained that when they tried to approach the bull from the rear the cow would turn around and the same thin happened when approaching from the left or the right side of the cow the cow would turn and face the bull. The wise man gave it some thought and raised his head to look at the men and asked,'Did you buy the cow from Minsk'? The men were astounded and said to the wise man,' Yes but how could you possibly know that'. The wise man replied sadly, 'My wife comes from Minsk'.

 

[surly]

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Ill take a pallet.

 

[i-a-n]

I was in the pub last night chatting to a woman, she said "if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut you'd look ok"
I said "if I did those things I'd be over there talking to your good looking friends over there, not you"

 

[i-a-n]

I'm organising a charity do for blokes who can't orgasm.
Everyone is invited.
Let me know if you can't come.

 

[Dan2]

I'm organising a charity do for blokes who can't orgasm.
Everyone is invited.
Let me know if you can't come.

I'm glad everyone is invited - not exclusive to those with the condition.
Else those who can't come can come, but those who can come can't come :huh:

 

[i-a-n]

How do you change a dishwasher into a leaf blower?
Just give her a yard broom

 

[wide eyed and legless]

i-a-n have you been opening the left over Christmas Crackers

 

[surly]

i-a-n have you been opening the left over Christmas Crackers

I am thinking that politically incorrect christmas crackers are a damn good idea...

 

[i-a-n]

It's the Xmas in July thing..... Paper hat anyone?

 

[i-a-n]

I was stalked by a zombie last night, I think he'd been a keen home brewer, all he kept repeating was "grains, grains"

 

[i-a-n]

Paul Hogan's divorce is final....... "wife? That's not a wife"

 

[malt and barley blues]

Heard outside the Olympic Games athletes village an interviewer asked a track and field competitor, Are you a pole vaulter,
to which the competitor replied, No I am German but how did you know my name was Walter.

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Not a joke excerpts from a book Disorder in the American courts.

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread733024/pg1

 

[wereprawn]

A yacht starts taking on water off the coast of Germany and the crew radio the coast guard.

Yacht :- Mayday! Mayday! We are sinking!

Coast Guard:- ( with a puzzled look on his face ) Ya Ya . Vot seems to be zee problem?

Yacht:- I repeat. Mayday! Mayday! We are SINKING!

Coast Guard:- ( Now with an even more puzzled look) Ya. But Vot are you sinking about?

 

[i-a-n]

I just rolled over in bed and asked the wife if she realised it's National Orgasm Day. She said it's such a pity, right at the start of National Headache Week.

 

[Droopy Brew]

Q
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

A
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Julia or Tony aren't
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again

 

[i-a-n]

Bloke sitting on his own in a pub and a couple of blokes notice him and start talking to him they get around to "do you fancy a game of darts"? He says he's never played before but if they tell him the rules, yes please. Off they go and he plays a perfect game.
They ask him if he's sure he's never played before, so he tells them where he lives in the Bush there's millions of flies and he's got some old darts that he throws at them for fun to pin them to the wall. The blokes are amazed and ask if all the fly guts don't leave nasty marks. He says "no, I only pin them by a back leg"

 

[i-a-n]

If you could choose between world peace or having as much cash as Bill Gates.........


What colour Lamborghini would you buy?