Continuing Jokes Thread

[Brewer Tom]

Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the bar tender says "not U2 again"

 

[Paddy Melon]

Sound logic

A man was walking down the street , when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.


The man took out his wallet , extracted ten dollars and asked : "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"


"No , I had to stop drinking years ago ," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food ?" the man asked

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well ," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead , I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied : "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

[Woong]

The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers
and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.


So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be
installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs
the most poles gets the job."


Both teams headed right out.


At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked
them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but
they'd put in twelve.


Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came
back in, totally exhausted.


"Well, how many poles did you guys
install?" said the boss


Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and
me, we got three in. "

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish
blokes put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Mick, "but did ya see how much
they left sticking out of the ground.”

 

[Grmblz]

I thought my vasectomy would prevent my wife getting pregnant.
Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby.

 

[Woong]

 

[Brewer Tom]

I heard that corduroy pillows are making headlines.

 

[Woong]

To the person who stole my anti depression tablets, I hope you're happy

 

[wide eyed and legless]

 

[Grmblz]

Just love "The Far Side" Gary Larson was a genius (I have every book)

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Just love "The Far Side" Gary Larson was a genius (I have every book)

I don't think I have every book but I have quite a few, he was thought of being to far from the norm when he first started and people complained about him, it really isn't like the run of the mill American humour.

 

[Woong]

 

[Grmblz]

Local paedophile found dead with 27 bullets in his head, police reckon it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen.

 

[Woong]

 

[Brewer Tom]

There was good reason the lifeguard couldn't save the hippy.

He was just too far out.

 

[Woong]

 

[Brewer Tom]

I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it...

 

[peteru]

How do you express the opposite of "like"?

You know, the "un-like", "that's *****" or "could do better" kind of response?

 

[Woong]

 

[Brewer Tom]

Two Cannibals were eating a clown.

One said to the other: "Does he taste funny to you?"

 

[Bushbear]

“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied

 

[Brew Bama]

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

 

[Brewer Tom]

Love this one with the kids in the car . . .

'Reversing . . . Ahh, this takes me back'

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Love this one with the kids in the car . . .

'Reversing . . . Ahh, this takes me back'

Another one for the car.
I going to try something in a minute, Iv'e seen it done in a cartoon but I think I can do it.

 

[Woong]

 

[Brewer Tom]

another funny

 

[Brewer Tom]

Waitress: Sees that dad hasn't eaten all his food 'Do you want a box for that?'

Dad: 'No, but I'll wrestle ya for it!'"

 

[Brewer Tom]

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer!

 

[Grmblz]

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

[wide eyed and legless]

'Still Game' top comedy show from Scotland well worth watching, sadly ended now.

 

[Barge]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face.