Continuing Jokes Thread

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[SIZE=medium]Ok, so it's a Dad joke, but I like it.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=medium]Q: What’s long and green and hangs from the trees in the jungle?[/SIZE]





[SIZE=medium]A: Elephant snot[/SIZE]
 
During a ladies medical examination, the British doctor says,

"your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble"

The lady starts to take off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! leave your knickers on...................................... just stick out your tongue"
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven`t got the energy."
"Well, why don`t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They`re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won`t keep you there!
 
Why did Cavemen drag their women around by the hair ?

Dragging them by the legs made em fill up with dirt.
 
What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside a abortion clinic?

Going inside and asking for a coat hanger
 
What's the biggest difference between men and women?

Their interpretation of the word facial!

Haha
 
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'


The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.


Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..


If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"
 
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

On the first day, sadly, he packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he got the house removers to come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table; by candle-light he put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centres of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the former wife came back with her new boyfriend, and, at first, all was bliss.

Then, slowly at first, the house began to smell...

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, scrubbing and airing-out the place.

Under the floor boards, the attic and vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 'Exterminators' were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked! Unsurprisingly, people stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the sickening stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their asking price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a rotten, stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to enter their property or return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they just had to get out and had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the stench really was, she quickly agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...but only, she insisted, if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the gullible ex-husband, gleefully they even took the curtain rods !!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...
 
Kiwis


A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.





The barman says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”





The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada ..”





The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada ?”





The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”





The bartender says, “A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?”





“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”





The bartender grins and yells,












“He’s okay boys. He's one of us.”
 
Never tell a Scot a Scottish joke as I did recently in a pub full of wall to wall piss artists:- A guy walks into a Scottish bakers and asks, ' Is that a Custard or a Meringue' the baker replies 'Nay, your nay rang it's a Custard'. Sorry its a verbal joke but not to Scots
 
Aussies

A bloke walks into a bar in Seedney and orders a shandy. All the Aussies sitting around the bar looked up, grinning.

The barman says, "you aint from round here, are ya ?"

The guy says, " no, I'm from canada."

The bartender says," what do you do in canada?"

The guy says," i'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says," a taxidermist? What the hell does a taxidermist do?"

The guy says" I mount animals"

Bartender thinks for a bit , then says," Yer awright mate, but over here we call them boundary riders." :lol:
 
Actually since the international women's year cyclones have started being called male names too, alternatively. Like cyclone Larry.
 
Owing to a "you can't have a personality if you're an accountant" quip (I get it all the time), I thought I'd tell an accountant joke.

An accountant, an artist and a lawyer are discussing women. The topic moves onto mistresses and wives and which is better.

The artist says "Oh, a mistress for sure. Excitement, it keeps life interesting, you can always have fun and not worry about the commitment".

The accountant and lawyer say "Hmmm, interesting, I can see your point".

The lawyer says "Oh, a wife, easily. No nasty surprises, you know where you stand legally and everything is done above board."

The artist and the account say "Understandable, it makes perfect sense".

Then the accountant says "Both!"

"Both?!" asked the artist and lawyer.

"Sure, so each of them thinks I'm with the other, so I can go to the office and get some work done".
 
Bit like the computer geek walking by a pond and hears a frog calling him over.

So he goes over and picks up the talking frog.

The frog says " Kiss me and I will become the most beautifull fathfull woman to you..."

The geek thinks....then .."Nah....i wont kiss you.."

The frog responds..." But I will be your perfect all loving faithfull woman.."

Geek responds "Look..im a geek...my freinds a geeks...I dont go out..I live under my parents house....I only play computer games & chess....A talking frog is about the coolest thing I could have.."
 
A father drives past a paddock holding some cattle.
Dad: "Look kids, a flock of cows"
Kids: "HERD of cows dad!"
Dad: "... why yes I have, there's a flock of them right over there"
 
TheWiggman said:
A father drives past a paddock holding some cattle.
Dad: "Look kids, a flock of cows"
Kids: "HERD of cows dad!"
Dad: "... why yes I have, there's a flock of them right over there"
I'm going to steal use that one.
 
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