Continuing Jokes Thread

[Ducatiboy stu]

Went and ordered a pizza for lunch, young bloke asked if i wanted it cut into 4 or 8 pieces. I said just 4 thanks, I am not hungry enough to eat 8

 

[Toper]

OLD BUT STILL GOOD..



A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to
her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it..

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

 

[chunckious]

It's funny because it means death

Funny how you can miss the basic of things.....anyone else not know this or just me? :unsure:

 

[black_labb]

Funny how you can miss the basic of things.....anyone else not know this or just me? :unsure:

Not the only one, it took me going back and rereading things a few times to see what you were talking about before I realised I was finally getting one of the most common jokes in the english language!

 

[freezkat]

2 old friends see each other at a school reunion. They haven't seen each other for years.

Jerry its been forever. You look amazing. How did you lose all your weight?

I'm on the Titleist diet.

The Titleist diet? Whats that?

I invented it. I got the idea from seeing the Gastric Balloon on the internet. It fills up the stomach so you don't feel so hungry.
So I shoved a couple sleeves of golf balls down my throat.

Wow, That sounds brutal. It obviously worked... but your so fit. Do you work out?

I do a lot of swimming. I can't seem to stay out of the water now

 

[capsicum]

How much do ya reckon it costs a pirate to get an earring?

About a buck an ear.

 

[jyo]

True story-

Was as my local shopping centre and being a bloody hot day, all and sundry felt the need to be shirtless. Anyway, a bloke aged about 45 sporting quite a respectable beer gut walked towards be and on his stomach were 6 cans of VB tattooed! Imagine just the top view of a six pack with the VB symbol in each circle.

 

[dougsbrew]

haha, what a treat, body by VB..
i had a apprentice sparky working with me for a while, had a big vb logo tattoed on his arm,
and was a mad afl fanatic, tryed talking afl with me and had to say dont, i dont follow it.
what are you gay he says...haha, im not the one spending my weekends drinking vb and
watching oiled up fit young men running around on a feild chasing a ball..hmm fram.

 

[Cocko]

A mother tucks in her blind son for bed one night and says. "Now honey, if you say your prayers to god tonight, and you ask him for your eyesight, and you truly believe God can heal you, in the morning when you wake, you'll be able to see."

"O.k. mom." the son says, and proceeds to pray for a full hour asking for God to give him sight, before he drifts off to sleep.

In the morning mom comes into the room and says... "Now Billie, before you open your eyes, did you pray last night?" "Yes Mommy." "And did you truly believe God can give you sight?"..."Yes Mommy." "O.K. Billie open you eyes."...

"Mommy, Mommy, I still can't see!"

"I know Billie............April Fools."

 

[jammer]

Why are pirates called pirates ?

Coz they arrrrrrrr

 

[jammer]

But was saved by dog

Then went to a rave, and took an 'm'

 

[Dave70]

A muslim, a sikh and a mormon walk into a bar.

 

[warra48]

A muslim, a sikh and a mormon walk into a bar.

And order a raspberry lemonade ??

 

[carniebrew]

The other day my best mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers.



Probably worse that she was still wearing them at the time.




Made the rest of her funeral bloody awkward.

 

[Camo6]

The kids had all returned to school after summer holidays and were excited to talk about their time off.
Mrs Hanson told the children that for show and tell they could talk about what they did on their break.
Little Johnny got up and said "Me an me mate Kevo went down the creek, caught a heap of frogs and stuck lit crackers in their asses!"
"Rectum, Johnny rectum." said the teacher.
"Fark oath it did." said Johnny.

 

[woody0055]

2 pregnant irish girls were knitting jumpers for there babies. One says "i hope i have a girl as i only have pink wool", the other says "i hope i have a spastic, cos i just fucked up the sleeves"

A bloke is back infront of the judge for bashing his wife. The judge says why do you keep beating your wife? He replies, "its because i have a height and weight advantage and a much better reach"

 

[freezkat]

A muslim, a sikh and a mormon walk into a bar.

brilliant

 

[DennisKing]

Why men don't write advice columns in magazines or newspapers,


Dear John

While driving home from work the car spluttered to a halt. Tried to phone the breakdown company and the phone was dead so I walked to my best friends house round the corner. As I got near the house I could hear some noise so I looked through the window only to see my husband naked on the floor while my so called best friend, dressed in very sexy underwear was giving him oral sex.Please John what's gone wrong,

Suzy.


Dear Suzy

I think it's probably dirt in the carburettor, as for the phone just make sure it's charged before you go out.

John.

 

[warra48]

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet.



“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." I guess Tesco just listened.









Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?






Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.






Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!






Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...I still have a bit between my teeth.






A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.






Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn






"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer, AND... THEY'RE OFF....."






Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.






Said to the missus, “These Tesco burgers have given me the trots”.






“To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.”






A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, “Why the long face?” Cow says, “Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!”






I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.






These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit, talk about flogging a dead horse!

 

[Ivan Other One]

Last night I had a wet dream about my ex-wife,,,,
Dreamt that I'd drowned the bitch in a lake,,,