Ronwales
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 11/9/17
- Messages
- 253
- Reaction score
- 103
Went to the perth zoo the other day and too my surprise there was not a animal insight!
Just one dog, that's it....
It was a shih-tzu!
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Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
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Just one dog, that's it....
It was a shih-tzu!
justatad
Well-Known Member
Possums Theory in Church.....
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.
I can see a lot of crackers have been opened for Christmas in July.
Grmblz
Well-Known Member
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A ****," Paddy replies.
A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A ****," Paddy replies.
A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."
DU99
Well-Known Member
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap.'
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap.'
I saw that coming.
DU99
Well-Known Member
A crusty old biker from out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie"
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie"
Ronwales
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 11/9/17
- Messages
- 253
- Reaction score
- 103
Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are in the toilet using the same urinal, Bill turns to Tiger and says "Hey tiger how in the hell do you get your penis so swollen , that things huge!" Tiger responds "will every night before I make love I take of my pants and I hit my penis on the bed post 5 times as hard as possible!" Bill says "wow Tiger I'm going to have to try that". That night he goes home to Hilary, removes his trousers and smashes his penis against the bed post 5 times boom,boom,boom,boom and boom!
Hilary rolls over and says "Tiger is that you?"
Hilary rolls over and says "Tiger is that you?"
A sailor on watch during a particular stormy evening, noticed the captain come out of his cabin and start having a chunder over the port side, the captains night shirt blew up in the breeze and the watchman couldn't contain himself after being at sea for three months. He dashed across the deck and entered the captain, saying, "Sorry sir, it must have been the roll of the ship" to which the captain replied, "******* hell, I thought it was a roll of lino"
david196520
New Member
Joke:
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Hahahahahahaha
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Hahahahahahaha
jackgym
Well-Known Member
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year old next
door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error?
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Jaden said. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T
door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error?
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Jaden said. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T
Tony Spalding
New Member
Two blondes walked into the bar. You'd think the second one would notice.
I don't get it!
I'm guessing you're a blond yourself.
No.
No. Grey: used to be mousy.
DU99
Well-Known Member
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
.
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
.
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play
.
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
A: A taxi driver
.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
.
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
.
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play
.
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Danscraftbeer
Well-Known Member
You gotta be farkin kidding me!
There has to be better than saved Christmas cracker jokes.
Do you guys actually save Christmas Cracker jokes?
That is a funny joke in itself.
but kinda sad and depressing too.
There has to be better than saved Christmas cracker jokes.
Do you guys actually save Christmas Cracker jokes?
That is a funny joke in itself.
but kinda sad and depressing too.
Frothy Boi
Well-Known Member
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car
Redreuben
Well-Known Member
"Nurse, Nurse ! " the patient cried, " I've got a problem with my penis" The nurse came over with a cynical look on her face and said "well you'd better show it to me then"
So the guy drops his pyjamas to reveal a penis the size of a AAA battery, the nurse just cracks up laughing but quickly regains her composure and says " I'm sorry that was very unprofessional of me, what seems to be the problem sir ?"
"It's swollen"
So the guy drops his pyjamas to reveal a penis the size of a AAA battery, the nurse just cracks up laughing but quickly regains her composure and says " I'm sorry that was very unprofessional of me, what seems to be the problem sir ?"
"It's swollen"
Wilbur and Zeke go hunting the Shiras Moose in the Rocky mountains, they hire a plane and land close to the hunting site. Zeke instructs the pilot to be back to pick them up in 3 days, the pilot returns 3 days later and Wilbur and Zeke are waiting with a kill of 4 moose. The pilot says there is no way he can load 4 moose onto the plane as he was worried about the weight, Zeke says the pilot we had last year loaded the 4 moose on the plane without any argument. The pilot relents against his better judgement and they load the plane with the 4 moose, one hour into the flight the plane crash lands, Zeke asks Wilbur where he thinks they are to which Wilbur replies, '*********, we're at about the same place we crashed last year'
A young guy gets sentenced to prison for 6 months, as he is being taken away he is dreading the thought of what could happen to him. He is shown to his cell which he is sharing with a huge guy. He is lying on the bottom bunk with the blanket pulled up below his chin, when a pair of well muscled legs swing over from the top bunk. A deep voice says, "Right new starter, do you want to be Mummy, or do you want to be Daddy" The young guy says a silent prayer for the reprieve, he says, "I'll be Daddy"
The deep voice says, "Great, climb up here and suck Mummy's cock"
The deep voice says, "Great, climb up here and suck Mummy's cock"
DU99
Well-Known Member
Fahrenheit was born on this day in 1686. He was an annoying man.
It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that
he discovered the rectal thermometer.
It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that
he discovered the rectal thermometer.
DU99
Well-Known Member
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again!
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
DU99
Well-Known Member
A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.
The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!
No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.
A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.
The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!
No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.
A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
Bushbear
Active Member
For those who believe in horoscopes this is serious!
During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke
in your arse."
During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke
in your arse."
justatad
Well-Known Member
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
DU99
Well-Known Member
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft.
The lawyer tells the crusty old judge "Your Honour, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem". "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex". "Cybersex?" says the judge "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"
"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM". "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes, your Honour, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".
"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related? Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling" comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days".
"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is". "That's the one with the silicone ****s and real hair" replies the judge.
The lawyer tells the crusty old judge "Your Honour, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem". "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex". "Cybersex?" says the judge "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"
"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM". "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes, your Honour, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".
"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related? Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling" comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days".
"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is". "That's the one with the silicone ****s and real hair" replies the judge.
