Continuing Jokes Thread

[warra48]

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[spog]

I lost my job as a bingo caller.
apparently dinner for two with a hairy view,is not the way to call the number 69.



cheers.......spog.........

 

[Ivan Other One]

What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses?

The sunglasses sit higher up on your face.

 

[Ivan Other One]

Not so much a joke but to say the least,,, rather amusing.

 

[manticle]

Not so much a joke but to say the least,,, rather amusing.

 

[Liam_snorkel]

Shin to the face, brutal.

 

[raven19]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.
I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
.
.
.
.
"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[raven19]

The wife left a note on the fridge....

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Mums!!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...

F#*k knows what she was on about!!

 

[spog]

the other night my wife asked me how many women i had slept with.
i told her "only you.All the others kept me awake shagging all night!"
My missus packed my bags for me ,and as i was walking out the front door she screamed....
I hope you die a slow and painful death you *******!
"Oh" i replied "so now you want me to stay"

cheers.......spog.................

 

[Ivan Other One]

Sperm #1 "God I'm getting tired, How long till we reach the fallopian tubes?

Sperm #2 "Stilla long way to go, We've only just passed the tonsils.

 

[Cocko]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the p peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

 

[Ivan Other One]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

 

[WarmBeer]

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

 

[Amber Fluid]

This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that VB or Hahn?"

I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".

==============================

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day

a woman was born just by feeling their tits, "Really" she said.

"Go on then...try"

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said,' yesterday".

============================

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,

you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

============================

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table,

I said to her, "Nice legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".

======================

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The Pool Supervisor shouted at me so loudly that I nearly fell in.

 

[Ivan Other One]

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?'' The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.'' The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''

 

[Dave70]

Not often I hear a joke that cold be told in mixed company that makes me laugh, but this one did.

This lady came up to me in a bar and asked if I'd like to buy her a drink, slim, attractive but easily in her 50's.
We got talking and one thing led to another.
She asked me if I'd like to come back to her place and have some fun.
I hesitated, she was a little older than I was use to.
'Oh, I wont be the only lady there who likes a bit of fun' she said as she winked seductively.
Sounds good to me, I thought, so off we went.

As soon as we were through her front door she grabbed me and pushed me onto the lounge.
She jumped on top of me, ripped here blouse open and started kissing my neck.
'So', I said, 'Wheres this other lady who likes a bit of fun?'
'Oops, almost forgot' she said.
'Mum, we're ready, you can come in now'..

 

[WarmBeer]

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?


A: A brick.

 

[Dave70]

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

 

[WarmBeer]

Q: What's brown and runny?

A: Usain Bolt.

 

[raven19]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming
for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy,William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Grandad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William,
relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay
cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,
you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .. .. .
the little *******'s name is Kevin."