Continuing Jokes Thread

[GregMeady]

A woman gets pulled over for speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your driver’s license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: Can’t do that either.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars roar up to the site. A senior officer slowly steps out of his car and approaches the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.

Woman: Kidnapped the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license. The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a license and hands it to the officer, who examines it. He looks puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
Woman: I bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too

 

[Danscraftbeer]

Why won't Heterosexuals vote?
Because they couldn't be buggered.


edit: apostrophe

 

[DU99]

I've never really taken notice, on how much alike some Aussies and the 'Southern 'good old boys' are. Husband and wife...brother and sister ?

Judge for yourself.

You Might Be A Aussie Redneck, If:



. . . you've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature....and found out it was you.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid, the dog, the wife...or the body in the casket.

. . . your mama saves aluminum foil......for hats.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed, but your pet spider survives, and you're still happy.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, Say No To Crack, reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you've got more than one other brother named 'Darryl'.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch, and around the wheels.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the 'Barbie'.

. . . your child's first words were, 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Liberals, except little Mary. She got to readin'.

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.

. . . you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. (ask graywun)

. . . you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company

.. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

. . . you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

. . . you've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

. . . you've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

. . . your kids favorite bedtime story is 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.'

. . . you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.

. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. Easier to remember that way.

. . . you think Paprika is a Third World country, but you can't figure out how they got them all on that one shelf at the dollar store.

 

[manticle]

I think American redneck as opposed to Aussie might be more appropriate, considering references to jell-o, thanksgiving, baseball, bud light, etc

 

[Danscraftbeer]

I dont even understand why redneck can be a term given to any Australian. Its an American term.
Its offensive. I'm offended! that the term be given to any Australian.

 

[GregMeady]

A little boy was attending his first wedding in church. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up; like the bishop said...
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

[ein stein]

.. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.(89 ford laser)

. . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.(5c and 10c)


i did all these when I was a uni student.. I dont think I am a redneck though.

 

[wynnum1]

You take your aluminum beer cans to the scrap metal dealer to buy another carton of beer.

 

[DU99]

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate."
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big ****s that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

 

[DU99]

Was recently holidaying in Thailand when 2 girls approached me and asked if I wanted to sleep with them, they said it'd be like winning the lottery..

.

To my horror they were right, we had 6 matching balls..

 

[GregMeady]

Adultery: We have fallen


There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, 'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!'

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, 'I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.'

Amen!

 

[wereprawn]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Get an an alter boy to **** in her vagina.

 

[Gregos]

What's Black & Tan and looks good on a burgler?...............My German Shepard

 

[DU99]

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big ****s Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. When he finished, he headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

 

[DU99]

angel and a friend went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, angel, in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the fellow in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

angel, in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

 

[Bridges]

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big ****s Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. When he finished, he headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Reminds me of this, from the funniest movie of all time.

 

[GregMeady]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"

where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Some great one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
https://inews.co.uk/essentials/50-best-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2017/

 

[justatad]

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been
riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the
courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I
cannot
live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse.
The temptation was just too great.

I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my
sincerest apologies, and forgive me.

It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.


NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed. grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor
dead.

He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Fred then took out his phone where he saw a second message from his
neighbor, Alan:

SECOND MESSAGE

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned
Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife."

That's today's technology for you, hey!

Regards, Alan

 

[GregMeady]

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

Husband is recovering from a head injury now

 

[GregMeady]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful
much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said,
“No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir...There's no money in that account."

"I know,’” said the old man…"But let me tell you about my weekend."

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

 

[Woong]

My Grandad was a terrible gambler. In fact his last words to Grandma were "I bet that thing's not even loaded".

 

[Garfield]

A young white missionary spends his days teaching the way of the Lord to an African tribe. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....

"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"

"Mmm yes".

"See they are all white, but that one black one?"

"Mmm yes".

"Does that help you to understand?"

"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."

 

[DU99]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,
upon returning to her car, found four males
in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded
to load her shopping bags into the back of the
car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered
why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her own car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake.

The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,
and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...
make it memorable!

 

[DU99]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub.

As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered

what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair,

and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two lasses walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself.

He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I dinna know where y'been laddie...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

 

[GregMeady]

A rabbi, a swami, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The swami said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the swami standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."

The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.

The swami and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."

The politician said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the swami were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

 

[GregMeady]

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

 

[Mardoo]

A rabbi, a swami, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The swami said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the swami standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."

The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.

The swami and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."

The politician said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the swami were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

Brilliant!

 

[DU99]

 

[DU99]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. ”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good? “, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ”

.

.

.

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ”