Continuing Jokes Thread

[Weizguy]

I got a sweater for Father's Day.
A bit disappointed.
Would have preferred a screamer or a moaner. Even a grunter would be OK.

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Cracking joke Les, got some mileage out of it yesterday, can't wait to get among the nurses with that one.

Winning one liner from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

My father encouraged me to become an organ donor, he's a man after my own heart.

 

[wynnum1]

Got any bread?

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[Weizguy]

Wynnum, I love that old classic.
Are you Shane Bourne?

 

[DU99]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of ****ies are there? '

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.'

'Onions'?

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration only.'

 

[wide eyed and legless]

My first realisation I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga Party dressed as a goat, that was after I had joined a Satanic group where I thought they were worshiping Santa.

 

[sp0rk]

I lost my watch at a party the other night, I found it about ten minutes later, but some guy was standing on it.
As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a poor young woman.
So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face, knocking him to the floor.
Nobody does that to a woman. Not on MY watch.

 

[DU99]

 

[DU99]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford
Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a
large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the
shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry,
but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to
the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would
startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's
entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving
a hearse for 25 years."

 

[DU99]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: €5.00
+Broiled Missionary: €10.00
+Fried Explorer: €15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: €100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh***t, it takes all morning."

 

[WarmerBeer]

What's loud & sounds like apples?








APPLES!

 

[spog]

Two dyslexic balaclava clad robbers run into a bank and shout,
Air in the hands mother stickers this is a **** up !

 

[Stouter]

I've already posted this on the Coopers Forum, but here it is again -
I was watching a documentary yesterday, ‘The Irish Pub’. Well worth the watch for the history. Here's my favourite story told deadpan by one barman as if it happen yesterday.

An American tourist came in and she says, “Sir I'd like to make a complaint. There is no lock on your toilet door.”
“Well ma'am, I says. My grandfather opened this pub in 1910, and ran it for almost 40 years. My father took over and he ran it for another 4 decades. Now ma'am, I've been running this place for 25 years myself. And you know what missus, in all that time nobody has stolen a sh#t yet”.

 

[DU99]

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk or e-mail.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or stereo.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

 

[spog]

Doris is 95 years old ,her husband of 70 years Derek dies, heart broken Doris decides she can't live without Derek and decides to end her life.
Doris rings the local medical centre and asks the nurse as to exactly where is the heart located, the nurse replies " just under the left breast" .
Doris hangs up the phone goes into Derek's study ,takes out his old service revolver places the barrel where the nurse said,pulls the trigger and promptly blows her left knee cap off.

 

[Mardoo]

Actually I saw a stripper at a bucks, about 80 years old. She took off her top. No ****. She dropped her pants. Whaddaya know! Hip ticklers!

 

[DU99]

Guts vs Balls
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls to do something. There is a big difference between one the having guts or the balls to do something. Here are examples showing the distinction between the two concepts.

GUTS – Arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bottom, and having the balls to say: “You’re next, chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the use of the two words. Generally speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both will result in sure death

 

[wide eyed and legless]

A wife says to her husband, 'You only want *** when your drunk. Husband says, 'Thats not true, sometimes I want a kebab'

 

[DU99]

“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have ***?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Robbie Williams, Elton John and Kylie Minogue went out on the town, returning to their hotel Kylie stumbles and gets her head caught in some railings, quick as a flash Robbie ups her skirt and downs her knickers, gives her a good rogering and turns to Elton John and asks if he would like a turn, Elton says, 'I would, but I don't think my head would fit through the railings'