Continuing Jokes Thread

[Weizguy]

Not on a phone, but all typed out on a keyboard, as best I could replicate the original.

 

[spryzie]

What happened to the wooden car with the wooden wheels and wooden engine?


It wooden go!

 

[Bribie G]

I picked up a lady hitch hiker yesterday.

She told me she was a witch.

Bullshit, I said, prove it.

So she put her hand on my knee and I turned into a rest area.

 

[mr_wibble]

I picked up a lady hitch hiker yesterday.

She told me she was a witch.

Bullshit, I said, prove it.

So she put her hand on my knee and I turned into a rest area.

She must have had that Witch itch.

 

[Weizguy]

I got a sweater for my birthday.

Not bad, but I would have preferred a squealer, a grunter or a moaner (in order of preference).

 

[manticle]

I got a squirter for christmas.

 

[jyo]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?











He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

The 7 Dwarves decided that after Snow White got married and kicked them out of the house that they would go on a holiday in Europe
Upon arriving in Italy they decided to go visit the Vatican & the Pope, who decided to give them an audience.
After a brief blessing and prayer, Dopey goes up to the Pope and asks " Are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican"
"Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns in the vatican" replied the Pope
After a bit of a chuckle from the other dwarves, Dopey asks " Are there any dwarf nuns in Italy"
"No, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy"
After some more chuckling, Dopey asks " Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe"
"No, I dont think there are any dwarf nuns in Europe"
By then the chuckling started to become soft laughing, and Dopey asked " Are there any dwarf nuns any where in the world"
"No, I dont believe there are dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"
By then the other dwarves where in full laughter, which the Pope noticed and asked Dopey why he wanted to know about dwarf nuns
To which Dopey replied " Well it looks like Grumpy fucked a penguin"

 

[Camo6]

A man standing next to a woman at a bar leans over and says "Can I smell your pussy?"
"No you most certainly cannot!" exclaimed the woman in disgust.
"Oh well then." replied the man. "It must be your feet."

 

[Weizguy]

Come on Stu, I call recycling old jokes from here

 

[Weizguy]

I got a squirter for christmas.

Serious, Manticle? That's just crude.


Anyway, I already have one of those... :icon_drool2:

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Come on Stu, I call recycling old jokes from here

That was in 2009...and as I changed some of the wording I claim it as a new joke.

 

[manticle]

Serious, Manticle? That's just crude.


Anyway, I already have one of those... :icon_drool2:

Water pistols are crude?

 

[Weizguy]

Water pistols are crude?

Yep, and messy, if you do it right.

 

[Florian]

Duck walks into a bar.

'Got any bread' asks the duck
'No' comes the response. 'We have beer on tap, beer in bottles, wine, a selection of spirits and pickled onions, but no bread'
'Oh' said the duck. 'Got any bread?'
'No' came the slightly bemused response
'Oh' said the duck. 'Got any bread?'
'No' came the terse response
'Oh' said the duck, lost in thought. 'Got any bread?'
'No. We don't have any bread!!' Shouted the irate batman
'Oh' said the duck taken aback. 'Got any bread?'
'No, we don't gave any ******* bread! We have beer on rap, beer in bottles, wine, a selection of spirits and pickled onions, but no ******* bread and if you ask me for bread one more time I'll bail your ******* beak to the bar!!!'
'Oh' said the duck thoughtfully. 'Got any nails'
'Of course I don't have any nails. This is a ******* bar not ******* bunnings!!!'
'Oh' said the duck. 'Got any bread?'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFPf7wrLWxg

 

[Snow]

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bison :lol:

 

[Kiwimike]

[SIZE=18pt]A MAN (GARDENER) TAKES A LADY OUT TO DINNER FOR THE FIRST TIME.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said ‘I LOOKED UP BEAUTIFUL CLIMBING ROSE IN THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA LAST NIGHT AND IT SAID:[/SIZE]







[SIZE=18pt]BEST SUITED FOR ROOTING AGAINST A BRICK WALL OR FENCE. NO GOOD IN AN OPEN BED!’.[/SIZE]

 

[Ivan Other One]

Last night I fingered a Gypsy on her period,




She read my palm.

 

[wereprawn]

Three men have been called up to join the war effort and are waiting to take their medicals.
The first man to take the test is a Pohm. A short time later he emerges from the doctors office with a big smile. "So how'd you go ?"ask the other two. "Great" replies the Pohm. " I have FF and don't have to go to war".
"Great. But what is FF?" ask he two.
"Flat feet" replies the Pohm.

Bloke two is a Scot. He has his medical and comes back clicking his heals together with joy." I don't have to fight either. I have FA."
"And what is FA" ask the other two.
"Fallen arches". Replies the Scot.

Now man three is an Irishman and extremely nervous. He slowly walks in for his exam with head held low. A short time later the Irishman returns with a look of sheer relief, giggling to himself. "Well?" ask the others. "No war for me" says the Irishman, nearly overwhelmed with happiness.
. "I've got FC".
"So whats FC?" ask the Pohm and the Scot.
"******* Cancer"

 

[jyo]

My 6 year old was telling some jokes earlier. The same old goodies came "Why did the jelly bean go to school? Cause he wanted to be a smartie" etc.

She made this one up off the cuff-

"Why did the beer go to super hero school? He wanted to become a super beero"!

I'm such a great dad!