I've just made my first brew after being out of the game for over a decade. Previously, I'd only ever brewed with extract but played around with sugars/malts and hops. I figured that just to get my legs back under me I'd do a simple extract brew to kick things off with the eventual (which means over the course of a few years) aim of full mash, kegging, etc. However, excitement got the better of me and I went a partial boil instead and things may have gotten away from me. Thought I'd post the story for a laugh and a bit of fun. 1 - Grab a Coopers Sparkling Ale 2 - Clean the shit out of everything and set up a little brew cupboard where the fermenter can live. 3 - Bring 8lt of water close to the boil, let it cool to about 75c and then add 200gm of crystal malt 4 - Put 11.5gm of Safale US-05 into a glass of room temp water 4.5 - Open a can of Capital Red Eye 5 - Put tin of IPA extract into hot water to loosen up 6 - Measure out 750gm dextrose, 165 LME (because I forgot to stop pouring at 150gm) and 95gm DME 7 - Getting concerned that the water temp might drop, turn the burner onto the low setting for a minute or so 8 - Grab another beer, go hang out with wife 9 - God knows how long later, remember that the stove is on and go back to find the water at a temp of 95c 9.5 - Taste wort and consider that it's not sweet but more like week tea (not astringent though) 10 - Stir the Dextrose into the crystal malt wort stuff 11 - Stir the LME/DME into 2lt of water at about 75c 12 - Open the extract and pour into the wort followed by two tins of hot water to get the extract out (2lt in total) 13 - Take out the grain, don't bother to sparge as the high temps probably killed it's usefulness anyway 13.5 - Have an O'Brien's Dark Ale and conclude it's too sweet (actually, may have been a brown ale) 14 - Add the malt mix to the wort and crank up the temp to boil 15 - Measure out 30gm of Amarillo hops, chuck in muslin bag and into the pot 15.5 - Taste boiling wort and conclude that it has a burnt taste to it so chuck in another 250gm of dextrose 16 - After 20 mins of boiling mix 12 grams of Citra and 15 gm of Amarillo, into a bag and into the pot 17 - After 30 mins of boiling take out the hops and turn off the heat. Put pot in ice bath 17.5 - Move on to stout 18 - When the wort is about 48c conclude that adding tap water will likely cool it down enough to get it to 20c 19 - Pour wort into sanitised fermenter with great prejudice to aerate and top up with cold tap water to 30lt (considering how much sugar I now have in there) 20 - Get annoyed when wort temp only comes down to 22/23c 21 - Take a gravity reading of 1033 at 22c 22 - Leave fermenter on back deck to cool in the evening air 22.5 - Open longneck of Coopers Extra Stout and look at the mess I've made of the kitchen 23 - Put glass of yeast solution into wort 24 - Carry that heavy fucker down the back stairs and into the brew cupboard in the garage when it hits 21/22c 25 - Drink the wort used for the gravity reading and feel overly optimistically confident that my Frankenbrew might actually turn out all right. 26 - Take a beer to bed and fall asleep listening to some Nick Cave and the Badseeds.