Continuing Jokes Thread

[michael_aussie]

went to a seafood restuarant for tea tonight,asked for the crab and bugger me dead when the waitress presented the dish to me,the crab had a tattoo on it's arm that said,


i ate osama...............cheers.....spog.

i don't get it....

 

[peas_and_corn]

Crabs get tattoos when they eat.

 

[Cog's]

About time we had a bad one

A grass hopper walks in to a bar
the bar tender says, Hey we got a drink named after you.
The grass hopper says, What Gerald?

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

When I read your name it's always in a scotish accent in my own head. Not sure why.

Mmmmmm..................Now I have to admit that is a wee bit........unusual!

 

[michael_aussie]

Crabs get tattoos when they eat.

i'm still no closer

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Osamaś body was dumped at sea.... The crabs ate his body..


Now do you get it :icon_cheers:

 

[raven19]

Best Aussie Yarn

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.

This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

 

[michael_aussie]

Osamaś body was dumped at sea.... The crabs ate his body..


Now do you get it :icon_cheers:

lol .... well ... kinda......

but if that is it ... never mind.....

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

Osamaś body was dumped at sea.... The crabs ate his body..


Now do you get it :icon_cheers:

:blink: ....and.......Crabs get tattooed when they eat........................ :blink:

 

[raven19]

3 Great Kings

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have

brought happiness and peace into people's lives?


Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

 

[bradsbrew]

NSW have a rugby league team :lol: . If that aint a continuing joke I dont know what is.

 

[michael_aussie]

3 things you shouldn't say in a gay bar, f**k me dead its hot in here, can i bum a fag, may i push your stool in.





A blonde is out by the pool with a friend and the friend notices that she has a tattoo on the inside of her thigh. She inquires about it and the blonde replies "It's a seashell - and if you hold your ear to it, you can smell the ocean!"...

 

[bowie in space]

3 things you shouldn't say in a gay bar, f**k me dead its hot in here, can i bum a fag, may i push your stool in.


Probably shouldn't toss anyone for the next round either

 

[raven19]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 75!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 66 ..... so it's not far to walk!

...


Subject: Italian Gentleman
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[raven19]

Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed and, every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror ................................................................................
..........

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'

 

[raven19]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies,


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.


He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

 

[michael_aussie]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes
across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one,
although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.



'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.



His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.


So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.



Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....
'I'll do the ******* dishes!!!

 

[raven19]

Communication problems?


It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.


He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.


Maria said, "Screw her."


Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

 

[QldKev]

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[petesbrew]

Be careful about buying anything on E-Bay.

I just spent 50-bucks on E-Bay, for a Penis Enlarger.

Those bastards simply sent me a magnifying glass. The Instructions said, "Don't use in the sun."