Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

A man goes into Angus & Robertson's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

 

[raven19]

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'


'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete ****!'

 

[raven19]

Some news ones in here, mainly old ones though...


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

[raven19]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me that again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???






Everyone knows...




You can't kill Two Birds




with OneStone!!!

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

I think this thread has evolved over time.

It started out being the thread for all thos little jokes you hear that dont need a thread of their own.

Then for a while it morphed into the "Humour & Jokes thread" within the "Humour & Jokes thread"

Slowly it has morphed again and now its the "Raven19 - Humour and jokes warehouse" thread.



"Everything must goooo!"

 

[DKS]

More jokes! more jokes!
Whilst there have been ups and downs and some less than appropriate jokes along the way this thread has been great. Even reading the really old clangers and groaners. I say keep em comin Raven and anyone else who has a few.

I just wish I could remember a few to tell from time to time.(Should give up the drink I spose.............. nah, bad idea.)
Daz

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

More jokes! more jokes!
Whilst there have been ups and downs and some less than appropriate jokes along the way this thread has been great. Even reading the really old clangers and groaners. I say keep em comin Raven and anyone else who has a few.

I just wish I could remember a few to tell from time to time.(Should give up the drink I spose.............. nah, bad idea.)
Daz

I check this thread every day. As you say some clangers, some groaners but also some beauties.

A few of my favourite jokes I roll out at every party came from this thread.

Just saying, Raven would have to be the top supplier for the warehouse

 

[raven19]

(read with an irish accent)


Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'



THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

 

[raven19]

...Just saying, Raven would have to be the top supplier for the warehouse

I just post up what others send me on the emails! I hope some people get a grin from them, and yes many of them are shockers!

 

[RobH]

the jokes that I send others on email more than often come from this thread

 

[petesbrew]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .. One took a window seat
and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get
up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it
for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good.. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine
obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This
hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

 

[raven19]

One Night in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and wake up in jail... only to find they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. The jailers all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

The jailers throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from TEXAS A&M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering. I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

 

[Ivan Other One]

The funny thing about that is that relates to a true story about a friend who worked the night shift at at two shift business up here.

Mate, (to protect his innocenence) used to buy a two litre bottle of coke at the start of his night shift. Maybe drink half and leave the rest in the fridge at work.

Started to notice that some coke was missing at the start of his next shift.
After a week of this he thought ,RIGHT, near the end of the night shift he showed a mate the level of coke in the bottle, went into the duuny and topped it up a bit.
at the end of each night shift he would top it up and for the next week he noticed someone had been 'sampling his coke' Word had spread arround through all the night shift crew as well as most of the day shift crew except for the day shift foreman and his son.

Said foreman was then told about this by my mate and spat the dummy.

Mate simply laughed in his face stating that what he does to his own property is his own business.


Great for workplace moral that one. :lol:

 

[michael_aussie]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said:
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[Ivan Other One]

Was talking to a girl at the pub last night when I said to her,

"You remind me of my Little toe"


She asked "Is that because I'm small and cute?'

I said "No, it's 'coz I'll probably end up banging you on the coffe table."......

 

[michael_aussie]

Was talking to a girl at the pub last night when I said to her,

"You remind me of my Little toe"


She asked "Is that because I'm small and cute?'

I said "No, it's 'coz I'll probably end up banging you on the coffe table."......

that is funny








While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, "What's a Post Turtle?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post Turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ******* put her up there in the first place."

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Noni Hazelhurst read Go the **** to sleep

 

[michael_aussie]

Noni Hazelhurst read Go the **** to sleep

all parents can identify with this one...

 

[michael_aussie]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken
> off their car videos:
>
>
> 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
> through."
>
> 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
> after you wear them a while."
>
> 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
> worthless document." (My Favorite)
>
> 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
>
> 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
> of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
>
> 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
> anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
>
> 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
> will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
>
> 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
> or I'll give you another ticket."
>
> 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
> or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
>
> 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
> ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs".
>
> 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
> oven."
>
> 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime
> Information Center )
>
> 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
>
> 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
> allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
>
> 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
> yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
>
> AND THE WINNER IS....
>
> 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
> don't. Sign here."

 

[michael_aussie]

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Fiji.





One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer





I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.





A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lakeland, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets





A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"





Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!





Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular ****, you sick *******.





The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my garden hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.





You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly in school zones