Snow
Beer me up, Scotty!
- Joined
- 20/12/02
- Messages
- 2,349
- Reaction score
- 154
Or... there's my expanded version here: http://aussiehomebrewer.com/topic/30163-continuing-jokes-thread/?p=472792Brew Forky said:
-
If you have not, please join our official Australia and New Zealand Homebrewers Facebook Group!
Australia and New Zealand Homebrewers Facebook Group
Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
Help Support Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum:
Camo6
Relax? Don't worry?? It's not just an internet for
- Joined
- 25/6/11
- Messages
- 3,571
- Reaction score
- 2,385
A married couple, Tom and Mary, were away on a cruise trying to reinvigorate their marriage when they became friends with another couple, Jo and Sue, trying to do the same.
One afternoon, the two husbands were having a few drinks when Joe suggested to Tom that they try a partner swap for the night. Tom, knowing his wife had her monthly visitor, happily agreed and suggested that, to make things interesting, the following morning at breakfast they should tap on the table as to how many times each had copulated with the other's wife.
After some discussion with their partners they convinced them this was what their marriages needed and they retired to their cabins for the night.
The next morning at the breakfast table, Tom, smirking at his cleverness, rapped on the butter dish three times with his spoon. Joe, with a large grin, picked up his knife and tapped once on the jam and five times on the vegemite.
One afternoon, the two husbands were having a few drinks when Joe suggested to Tom that they try a partner swap for the night. Tom, knowing his wife had her monthly visitor, happily agreed and suggested that, to make things interesting, the following morning at breakfast they should tap on the table as to how many times each had copulated with the other's wife.
After some discussion with their partners they convinced them this was what their marriages needed and they retired to their cabins for the night.
The next morning at the breakfast table, Tom, smirking at his cleverness, rapped on the butter dish three times with his spoon. Joe, with a large grin, picked up his knife and tapped once on the jam and five times on the vegemite.
Mardoo
Noob What Craps On A Bit
That's filthy! 
Here's one not in the jokes thread:
http://www.aussiehomebrewer.com/index.php?/topic/84572-The-magician-and-the-Parrot
Here's one not in the jokes thread:
http://www.aussiehomebrewer.com/index.php?/topic/84572-The-magician-and-the-Parrot
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
DU99
Well-Known Member
[SIZE=24pt]Sex after surgery![/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]he lost all interest in sex. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]A hospital spokesman replied:[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt].“[/SIZE]
DU99
Well-Known Member
You Know It's Hot In Australia When!
1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)
22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You
25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate
26) Share with ya mates so they can laugh too
1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)
22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You
25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate
26) Share with ya mates so they can laugh too
Ivan Other One
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 30/3/09
- Messages
- 414
- Reaction score
- 5
Mohammad told his wife that he was going to go on a suicide bombing mission.
All she could say was ,,,,,,"Baaaaaaah"
Q:-What do you call a Muslim with more than one wife?
A;-A Shepherd.
All she could say was ,,,,,,"Baaaaaaah"
Q:-What do you call a Muslim with more than one wife?
A;-A Shepherd.
DU99
Well-Known Member
HERE'S ONE FOR THE LADIES
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
DU99
Well-Known Member
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a nice little older lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Ivan Other One
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 30/3/09
- Messages
- 414
- Reaction score
- 5
Tony Abbott's 5th anniversary rolled around and he asks his wife;
"Lets try something different tonight dear. How about we give Anal sex a try?
'I'm good at that" Marge replied, "After all, for the past 5 years I've been having sex with an arsehole!!!"
"Lets try something different tonight dear. How about we give Anal sex a try?
'I'm good at that" Marge replied, "After all, for the past 5 years I've been having sex with an arsehole!!!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes to the gate house and phones up God saying "I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?"
God says "we are over our quota on gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let just a dozen in"
Two minutes later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
"They've gone" he tells God.
"What?" says God "All 40 of them?"
......................................................................
"NO, the gates!!"
St Peter goes to the gate house and phones up God saying "I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?"
God says "we are over our quota on gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let just a dozen in"
Two minutes later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
"They've gone" he tells God.
"What?" says God "All 40 of them?"
......................................................................
"NO, the gates!!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
DU99
Well-Known Member
[SIZE=18pt]On safari with the mother in law . . [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. [/SIZE]
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.
"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
[SIZE=13.5pt]A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. [/SIZE]
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.
"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
Droopy Brew
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 18/2/13
- Messages
- 861
- Reaction score
- 490
A man walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 dollar coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. He must have swallowed all three. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter,gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the dollar to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with The Australian Taxation Office'
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. He must have swallowed all three. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter,gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the dollar to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with The Australian Taxation Office'
Bloke walks into the doctors with a parrot on his head the doctor says, 'What the hell have you got there'
The parrot says, '****** if I know, it started of as a wart on me arse.'
The parrot says, '****** if I know, it started of as a wart on me arse.'
TheWiggman
Haters' gonna hate
Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just passing through."
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.
I'll be here all week folks...
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just passing through."
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.
I'll be here all week folks...
Potentially Vs. Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?” The father thought for a moment, then answered. “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... But Realistically... We’re living with two sluts and a gay guy.
A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?” The father thought for a moment, then answered. “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... But Realistically... We’re living with two sluts and a gay guy.
Red Baron
Well-Known Member
mr_wibble
Beer Odd
A uni student from Frankfurt gets a summer job doing night-shift at a lighthouse on the North Sea.Red Baron said:
It's a few weeks into the job, and huge storm has blown up. The winds are howling, and the sea is furious.
Suddeny the radio crackles into life ~
"HELP! HELP! WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!"
He picks up the radio hand set, and tentatively pushes the button ~
"Ah yah..."
"But vhat are you sinking about?"
Ditchnbeer
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 8/8/13
- Messages
- 124
- Reaction score
- 45
To continue the German theme:
A young German man is thinking about having a holiday and can't decide on a destination.
His Grandfather says "You must take your best friends with you to Paris!"
The young German asks why.
Grandfather replies "Its is an unbelievable city - you can do whatever you want! Last time I was there my friends and I were at a cafe, and I took fancy to the waitress, so I grabbed her, smashed the table clear and had my way with the waitress right there in front of everyone!"
The young German is suitably impressed with that, and subsequently organises a trip to Paris.
Weeks later, the Grandfather gets a phone call to tell him that his grandson is in hospital, and in a bad way.
The Grandfather visits his grandson in hospital and asks what happened.
The grandson says "I did go to Paris as you suggested. But when I decided to have my way with a waitress at a cafe, all the other diners weren't happy and set upon me, badly beating me unconscious."
Grandfather replies "It is important that you took your best friends - who did you go with?"
Grandson replies "My best 3 friends - Hans, Ernst and Marco. Why, who did you go with Grandfather?"
Grandfather replies "The Gestapo!"
A young German man is thinking about having a holiday and can't decide on a destination.
His Grandfather says "You must take your best friends with you to Paris!"
The young German asks why.
Grandfather replies "Its is an unbelievable city - you can do whatever you want! Last time I was there my friends and I were at a cafe, and I took fancy to the waitress, so I grabbed her, smashed the table clear and had my way with the waitress right there in front of everyone!"
The young German is suitably impressed with that, and subsequently organises a trip to Paris.
Weeks later, the Grandfather gets a phone call to tell him that his grandson is in hospital, and in a bad way.
The Grandfather visits his grandson in hospital and asks what happened.
The grandson says "I did go to Paris as you suggested. But when I decided to have my way with a waitress at a cafe, all the other diners weren't happy and set upon me, badly beating me unconscious."
Grandfather replies "It is important that you took your best friends - who did you go with?"
Grandson replies "My best 3 friends - Hans, Ernst and Marco. Why, who did you go with Grandfather?"
Grandfather replies "The Gestapo!"
The European Commission
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
