Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day, he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months, he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night, the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and, as they dance, he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight ?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luiggi. I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know ?"

Luiggi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them ?"

Next, he asks Rosa to dance and, after a few minutes, he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight ?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luiggi. I do, but how do you know that ?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them ?"

Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance, his face turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight.

Please, please, tella me this true !!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Luiggi. Ia wear no panties tonight !!"

Luiggi gasps, "Thanka God ...I thoughta I had a CRACK ina my $300 Armani leather shoes !!"

 

[michael_aussie]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me, and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[michael_aussie]

Overcoming Depression:
After both suffering from severe depression,
my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday.
Strangely enough
, after she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better and thought................
**** it, I'll try to make a go of it!!!

 

[DennisKing]

Found a hole in my trainer yesterday that I could get my finger in. Trouble is she complained so they have kicked my out of the gym.

 

[_HOME_BREW_WALLACE_]

 

[Ivan Other One]

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about the missing items from her washing line.

I nearly shit in her pants.

 

[Leigh]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with trembling
hands, read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've
been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you
would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight
Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the
meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can
get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm
sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,

Your son, Joshua

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on the kitchen table. Call me when it is safe for me to come
home.

 

[Amber Fluid]

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about the missing items from her washing line.

I nearly shit in her pants.

LMFAO ahahahaaa that's a ripper!!! :super:

====================================

DO you fart in bed?
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

 

[spog]

thanks for a good friday arvo laugh.....cheers.....spog.......

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about the missing items from her washing line.

I nearly shit in her pants.

 

[Mantis]

Mum and her young kids were driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo jumped out of the truck and hit the car windscreen.
Mum, thinking quickly and to hide her embarrassment said "my that was a big insect"
The young son replies "With a cock that big, I am surprised the fucken thing could fly"

 

[AlwayzLoozeCount]

My mate asked me what ring tone I had...........
I said i'd never looked but probably light brown.

 

[spog]

gunna use that one for sure....good one......cheers......spog........

My mate asked me what ring tone I had...........
I said i'd never looked but probably light brown.

 

[Ivan Other One]

My mate asked me what ring tone I had...........
I said i'd never looked but probably light brown.

LMAO,,,, Beauty.

 

[raven19]

THE BROTHEL

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.

There were four men ...

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill..

What were the nationalities of the four men?



* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish

.
.
.
.



* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

 

[raven19]

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch
drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed."

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Definition of ecstacy



An Emo in a knife shop

 

[petesbrew]

DO you fart in bed?
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

Got tears in my eyes from this one! Brilliant!

 

[michael_aussie]

Be thankful!


The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or
putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts
from the forms... Be sure to check out number 11. It takes 1st prize and
#3 is runner up.

1. Regarding. The identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and! see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time . Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe ! it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night was a blur. The only thing I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, I might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support the
above winners.

 

[michael_aussie]

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, WA ...
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to
the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told
him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could
help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the
Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies
they turned me down!!"

 

[Mikedub]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, lived in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"