Continuing Jokes Thread

[michael_aussie]

Chili at Medicine Bow


A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind If I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back
into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

[Malted]

Dead cow lecture at Veterinary School:

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

[michael_aussie]

An elderly man was staggering down the street and stopped by a police officer who asked, "Just where are you going at 1:30 in the morning?"

The man said, "To an alcohol lecture."

The cop asked, "Where is it and who is giving it?"

The man said, "It's at my house, and my wife is giving it."

 

[raven19]

THE WEDDING NIGHT



Paul and Mary get married

but couldn't afford a honeymoon -

so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.



In the morning

Johnny - Paul's little brother -

gets up and has his breakfast.



As he is going out of the door

to go to school - he asks his mom

if Paul and Mary are up yet.



She replies - No.



Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?



His mom replies - I don't want to hear

what you think !





Just go to school.



Johnny comes home for lunch

and asks his mom -

Are Paul and Mary up yet ?



She replies - No.



Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?



His mom replies - Never mind what you think !



Eat your lunch and go back to school ...



After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?



His mom says - No...



He asks - Do you know what I think ?



His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think



He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..



I gave him my super glue instead.

 

[raven19]

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . .....

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233.

 

[raven19]

Julia Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Ma'am. Could you please show me your ID"?

Gillard: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes Ma'am, I know who you look like, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day a man looking like Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque. Another time, a man looking like Pat Cash came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, are the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"


Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Prime Minister?"

 

[raven19]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 

[raven19]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."



The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[Ivan Other One]

I just put a deposit down on a new Porshe, and mentioned it on Facebook.

I wrote, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive."

Next thing I know, 4000 muslims had added me as a friend.


Bloke walks into a bar and asks for a pint of anything but VB.
Barman asks whats wrong with VB?
Bloke says I had 12 pints last night and when I came round I was fuckin Skint.
Barman- 12 pints of anything costs about the same
Bloke- Yeah, but Skint's my dog.

 

[Malted]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
> 'You talk?' he asks.
> 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
> After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
> The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
> In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
> 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
> But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
> 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
> 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
> 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
> 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

 

[raven19]

Eddie McGuire is walking down the stairs of the Westpac Centre with Nathan and Tania Buckley. All of a sudden Tania slips and her head gets caught between the rails. While she is there Nathan takes the opportunity to give her a good rogering. After he finishes Nathan looks at Eddie and says, "Your turn Ed". Ed looks at him and tears start to roll down his face. Nathan asks, "What's up Ed?", to which Eddie replies, "I don't think my head will fit between the rails"

 

[raven19]

Church Fart

An older couple is attending church services.

About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!

 

[raven19]

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse.

'Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!'

 

[raven19]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue..

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"

 

[raven19]

A good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

 

[michael_aussie]

A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he
noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price
tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.



He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"



"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said
the shop owner.



The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the>rat; and I won't
be bringing it back."



As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a
few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began
following him down the street. This was a

bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster.

Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew

to over a hundred, and they began squealing.



He started to trot towards the Harbour. He took a look around and saw that
the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions and they were all
squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.



Terrified he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far
out into the Harbour as he could.



Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were
drowned.



The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner,

you're bringing it back!



"Actually no" said the man. "I came back to see how much you

want for that little bronze Muslim over there?"

 

[warra48]

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

 

[_HOME_BREW_WALLACE_]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The
cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"


To which she replied, "I'm late for work."


Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"


I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.


The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."


"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

[Pennywise]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

[bowie in space]

Paddy walks into a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness, sits down at a table on his own and sips all three until they are finished. The curious barman comes over to him and asks why he ordered three pints.

"Well you see, my two brothers have gone to live overseas, one in America and one in Australia and in honour of each other we all drink three pints whenever we go to the pub".

Next week Paddy comes in and orders only two pints of Guinness, sits down at the same table and sips at both of them. The barman feeling sorry for him approaches the table and consoles Paddy.

"I'm very sorry for the loss of one of your brothers, Paddy", says the barman.

Paddy replies "Oh no, my two brothers are doing just fine, but I've decided to give up drinking"!