Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

> A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
> Officer: Why not?
>
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
> Officer: You what?
>
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
> want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
> calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
> senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! T he
> woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
> and murdered the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> The officer is quite stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
> license.
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
> it to the officer.
>
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
> have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
> hacked up the owner..
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[petesbrew]

> A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
> Officer: Why not?
>
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
> Officer: You what?
>
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
> want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
> calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
> senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! T he
> woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
> and murdered the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> The officer is quite stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
> license.
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
> it to the officer.
>
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
> have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
> hacked up the owner..
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Hey you know, I'm gonna try that...

 

[peas_and_corn]

It's a crime to lie to a police officer. Their story will always be believed in a 'my story verses his story' case.

 

[petesbrew]

It's a crime to lie to a police officer. Their story will always be believed in a 'my story verses his story' case.

Come on, P&C. You're 500 posts ahead of me, in a joke thread and you respond with that?

 

[peas_and_corn]

I have a post count? I really don't care.

 

[RobH]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with
little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to
a dog and a cat.

The fireman walks over to take a closer look, 'That's a lovely
fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one
of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's
testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fireman, 'I don't want to tell
you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the
dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*%#*@% siren, would I?'

 

[kocken42]

My friend went to the doctor's the other day,

While waiting patiently in the waiting room, he noticed a little girl playing with a Ken doll and Barbie doll,

My friend smirked when he saw that she was rubbing them together in a ***-like motion,

He went over to the little girl and said, "You know, your Barbie might get pregnant if you keep doing that."

The little girl stops and looks at my friend and replies "No she won't! He's f*%king her up the ar$e!"

 

[spog]

a little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider.
"what do want a glass of cider for?"asked her mum.
"ive got a cut on my hand from a thorn" explains the girl. "
"so why the cider"
"well i overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand,she feels a lot better when it's in cider"


..........cheers..........spog.......

 

[ben_sa]

Went down the pub with my girlfriend last night, All the locals were shouting out "****" and other names... Just because she is 21 and im 48...

It completely spoiled our 10 year anniversary...

 

[ben_sa]

Ive just tied the knot and Im so happy...

Now ive just got to kick the chair she's standing on and Im a free man!

 

[raven19]

LITTLE RALPHY


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.


'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.


'But that's right!' says his dad.


'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'


Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'


'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

 

[raven19]

Bud Light

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ... Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[michael_aussie]

Bud Light

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ... Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

many a true word in that joke....

 

[michael_aussie]

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and **** on the carpet."

 

[raven19]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer
and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

 

[michael_aussie]

AGING GIRLFRIENDS

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner.

Finally they agreed they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because
the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine
selection was excellent.

Ten years on at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View Restaurant because there they could eat in peace and quiet and the
restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because the Restaurant was wheel chair accessible
and even had an elevator.

Ten years on at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[_HOME_BREW_WALLACE_]

Russell, the poofta homosexual, goes into the doctor's office
and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says,
' Russell , I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS.'

Russell is devastated.. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage,
1 head of Cabbage,
20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno Peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box Of All Bran,
And top it off with a litre of prune juice..'

Russell asks bewildered,
' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No,
but it should leave you
with a better understanding
of what your ARSE is for.

 

[_HOME_BREW_WALLACE_]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and

prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

He then decided to write a letter to God requesting

the $100.When the postal authorities received the

letter addressed to God, Australia they decided to

send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary

to send the little boy a $5 note. She thought this would

appear to be a lot of moneyto a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down

to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money ..

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed *****
took $95 in taxes

 

[_HOME_BREW_WALLACE_]

Aussie Bush Etiquette‏:


In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

 

[michael_aussie]

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the heck is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"