Continuing Jokes Thread

[jyo]

I know, these are old ones, but I got a chuckle.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


A man walked into the pshychiatric clinic wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The Psych said, "Well, I can clearly see your're nuts".

 

[raven19]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't F**^%*' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . ..

 

[Pennywise]

:lol: Quite funny, I could see that red neck on tele (60mins?) the other night saying that

 

[Crusty]

From facebook:

Elton John has been asked to play at Osama's funeral,
Sandals in the bin

 

[spog]

rotflmao top shelf....cheers......spog.......

From facebook:

Elton John has been asked to play at Osama's funeral,
Sandals in the bin

 

[Zizzle]

 

[unrealeous]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Samoan, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist , a Malaysian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

 

[michael_aussie]

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qi...08073805AAPpdDu


a dumb question and a clever reply

 

[michael_aussie]

cool gizmos

 

[michael_aussie]

crazy fish

 

[michael_aussie]

some tits, some arses and an upskirt..... the world is sweet.

 

[Ivan Other One]

The death of Osama and his son has brought a whole new meaning to,,,,

Taking the Bins out.

 

[raven19]

Scottish Soldier(s) ... Who says Scots are tight?

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.



Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, carefully he unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.



The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.



"How much to repair it?" the Scot seriously asks the chemist.



"Six pence", says the chemist casually.



"How much for a new one?"



"Ten pence", says the chemist.



The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.



A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater roar of voices.



The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.



"The regiment has taken a vote", he says.



"We'll have a new one."

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

cool gizmos

Sooooooooooooooooooooo cool!!!

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

Sooooooooooooooooooooo cool!!!

........................................But probably in the wrong thread.

 

[AlwayzLoozeCount]

........................................But probably in the wrong thread.

When I read your name it's always in a scotish accent in my own head. Not sure why.

 

[michael_aussie]

Apologies to the politically correct, but here are some funnies ...... and they are GOLD





I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.



Treasure Wayne Swan announced this week he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.



I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.

They're called knee-grows



A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" Husband says "That's not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"



A young Arab asks his father: -

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Footscray?



My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.

I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.

A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.



Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"

Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."

Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."



I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!

She hasn't forgotten my beer, my dinner or sex once since the first beating.



Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.



A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

"Dad"! I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive... shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call... done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike.





Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.. said it was a mortar attack.





Fernando Torres was famous but not as famous as his brother Clit





An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Dandenong.

The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!





Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"





A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?

The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!





The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .

They said they were delicious!



My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, with my roger out, that I realised all she wanted was to rent her spare room out!!

 

[spog]

went to a seafood restuarant for tea tonight,asked for the crab and bugger me dead when the waitress presented the dish to me,the crab had a tattoo on it's arm that said,


i ate osama...............cheers.....spog.

 

[peas_and_corn]

Wait, the crab was called spog?

 

[spog]

ummmm well no errr .....cheers.......spog...