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The Beer Scooter

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hellbent

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How many times have you woken up in the morning after
a hard night drinking and thought "How on earth did I
get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece
together your return journey from the pub to your
house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a
Beer Scooter...

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport,
owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god
of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease
in the worship of the Roman Pantheon, and has bought a
large batch of these magical devices.

How often have you been on one????????

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness
and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a
pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors
detects this pheromone and sends down a winged
Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and
deposits them in their bedroom via a TDP
(Trans-Dimensional Portal).
This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the
passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out:
"How did I spend so much money?"

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record
and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all
UDI's (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the
destruction of time segments during the trip.
The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that
time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This
answers a third question after a night out:
"What the hell happened?"

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT
(Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that
automatically removes, in descending order, those
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of
another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles
often cause the scooter's navigation system to
malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong
bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With
recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an
investment in local eateries (i.e. I Love NY Pizza,
Mama Mia's Pizza, Dorian's, Taps, etc) specializing
in half chicken wings, pizza crusts, and late night
PBR's - Yet another question answered:
"Why do I feel so bloated when I wake up?"

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with
flowers picked from other people's gardens and
Thump-A-Lot Boots (Patent Pending). These boots are
designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you
tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your
other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that
you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some
scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This
explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you
to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero
temperatures, wearing just a
T-shirt...
 

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