LagerBomb said:
LagerBomb, on 07 Mar 2013 - 15:34, said:
I like all your ideas here Malted - however the beer gut is not as large as could be considered "big". I can see all this great advice will land me either
A - In gaol (old english spelling - no rappers on this topic)
B - In trouble with the Mrs
C - Having a great time
D - All of the above
However, in the sense of adventure, and being a proud AHBer, I declare that I will have to try this method. I am going for the ****ie slap in the face, as that happened to me in not so esteemed night club once and was enjoyable and quite funny.
Oh good you sound like you can see your pecker and are able to access it easily, this is good for hygiene reasons. I was watching a show on TV recently about an Aussie bloke who went on a 30day micronutrient fresh fruit and veg, juice diet and he was in America at the time of his juice fast and filming the documentary/experience. He happened upon a truck driver who suffered from the same medical conditions as him but he was considerably fatter than the programme host/narrator. This fat trucky at one point admitted that he couldn't clean himself properly when 'going to the bathroom' and that he had to be a bit of a circus act contortionist to be able to clean himself. He didn't say whether or not he could entirely clean himself as in get to all the places he needed to. I'd assume someone this fat would be better off doing as much as they can with paper and if at home, they might need to do the detail work with a flexible shower head on a hose. I guess that is why the French like bideaus but that doesn't make sense because most French woman are quite thin. A lot of French men are a bit 'on the nose' so I would assume they don't use the bideau to wash their fat arses.
So in your case it sounds like you are still up for the pecker poke, this is good because chicks love it. I dry hump my missus all the time. Pretty much anytime she bends over, whether it is at the supermarket or in the supermarket car park. It is my way of letting her know that I am thinking positively of her and that I still care. I don't know your relationship status so shouldn't recommend any specific advice in relation to that but I can generalise. Maybe you should dry hump your missus in public (public display of affection rates very highly with women) and that when you are greeting English lasses, she will therefore know that she is still the apple of your loin.
I agree that there may be some caution to be exercised in regards to possible incarceration relating to the way in which you greet women on your travels. It is all in the delivery, approach it with confidence and deliver with gusto the lines I have provided and I can't see how it could possibly go wrong. Certainly make sure the female is age appropriate for the greeting, I shouldn't have to warn you that young uns shouldn't be greeted in this manner. Henceforth we have gaol and the missus covered so that just leaves, having a great time and D, which would then mean, having even more fun.
There are some other caveats. If you happen to be at a fish market, don't suggest to your missus that you think she is not wearing her panties; they get concerned about personal hygiene too, regardless of if they are fat or not. Just because you can access your pecker, don't let it out of your pants during greetings or conversations. The ole Croc Dundee reference at the butcher shop might land you in goal "That's not a sausage! This is a sausage!". Like I said, the Croc Dundee thing is a bit old, stick with the Wildlife Warrior approach. Having said that, during a greeting it is not cool to flop your flaccid fluff finder onto the female and exclaim "Crikey! Would ya look at the size of that python", I think that is going a little too far. Chicks like to use their imagination, so they will relish the pecker poking, spadge mashing because they will be thinking to themselves, 'oh is that his clam stabber, or is it something in his pocket' - they'll be wet with excitement at the intrigue.
So moving back to the techniques suitable for greeting buxom women in England, you now have a larger variety of greeting styles open to you now that the pecker poke is back on the table. This means that the initial butt grope is back too and I'd suggest that perhaps you could alternate this with the muff maul but be careful not to pecker poke your hand, that might be considered to be rubbing a quick one out, on, or against them. It needs to be subtle and whacking your todger or giving yourself a touch up is not subtle. Certainly sharpen the pencil on them but don't operate it by hand.
In reference to your comment about a not so esteemed night club and a ****y slap, I would suggest two things. ****y slaps at a strip club sure are fun practice for life on the street but they are hardly a greeting when you have to pay for it. Secondly, how dare you refer to a strip club as a not so esteemed nightclub! I would suggest that they are far superior to a nightclub and thence should not be called as such; they are highly esteemed establishments full of fine entertainment. I suggest that you take your missus to a few strip clubs whilst on your travels. She will probably pick up some good exercise tips; women of all shapes and sizes generally like the idea of exercising regardless of whether or not they actually do. You will have lots of happy memories to share with your missus and you will be able to discuss the various routines you observed in differing locations, towns, cities, countries or even between performers. You may even be able to pick the differing routine trends, if they exist, between counties or countries.
Maybe I should have started these replies with a prefix of "Malted's Top Travel Tips" and then affixed a sequential number? If I was an AHB pro member I'd probably go back for a retrospective edit but since I am not, I won't. Now that has started me thinking about pros...
Edit: It could be appropriate to dry hump your missus whilst in the stripclub, it would be good PDA and she will know that you are thinking warmly of her. Try dropping a ten pound note on the floor in front of your missus before dry humping her when she picks it up, You can then shove the tenner in the strippers knickers or use it for a lap dance. They will be impressed with how friendly you are.
