Stu and I have been friends for going on 10 years now ans we have discussed our depression over the years.
I am the same as Stu...... long term cronic. Its always been there, never really been good and bad times...... just all grey.
I have also spent my life not enjoying anything, not interested in going on holidays, socializing, doing anything at all really except the hobbies i took up to immerse my mind in to distract myself from my true feelings and try and find some pleasure.
I have moved from town to town, job to job running from it.
I remember one night about 14 years ago going, sitting in the middle of the Highway at about 2am, in the north western town of Moree, waiting for a truck to come run me over. A truckie pulled up and dragged me off the road. We sat in the gutter and had a chat and he really helped me. That was the first time i really started to realize there was something wrong with me. I just didnt really know what or how to deal with it.
I wallowed around in my grey cloud for years and years, always wondering why people seemed to enjoy going places and doing things. Wondering how people could smile so much. Where was the fun? It was just survival and existence for me. mixed with the ever present thoughts of "what's the point" it was not fun but i always seemed to find a positive good enough to keep me going. Somehow my mind found a way. I was lucky enough to be in well paid jobs and i tended to immerse myself in work and a hobby to keep my head level. I would take the hobby to the max, pushing for the best i could do to gain inner happiness.
A lot of the time the only time i really felt alive was when i was risking my life in a fast car. I look back at some afternoons driving home from work in my WRX a couple years ago on back country roads..... My kids are lucky to still have a dad!
I think i knew i was depressed, but there was never any real recognition of it in society or help offered. None! My survival was an amazing feat of self preservation and i think this is probably the case for most long term depression sufferers, where you never see the goods and the bads to be able to separate them....... its just all blurred and muffled and grey.
Recently i almost lost my family and when they left i finally swallowed my pride and took myself to the doctor for help. We are all back together now and my recovery is getting along ok.
I have found the meds to be good and bad.
On the good side they have leveled my head and sort of allowed some color into life. I enjoy things more, don't feel the need to drink as much. I was at a birthday party today with most people drinking a lot. I had 4 beers and stopped, not even feeling like another. I now notice the wife and kids are there and take notice of what they are doing, their feelings, and involve myself in life with them.
On the flip side, they don't change who i am. I am still an anti social recluse and really struggle to get myself motivated to want to go out. Its like habit. Its who i am now and i really have to work hard at going and doing things, especially social events where i wont know many people. And i HATE it!
Its like the fog has cleared and i don't like what i see, and have not developed the skills to change it. But i tell myself its early and now that i have made the step to admit the problem and take the problem on, i will get there.
I dont think i will ever be a social butterfly but i enjoying what i have is better than never seeing it at all!