Continuing Jokes Thread

[Bushbear]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. its really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."

 

[Brewer Tom]

Did you hear that McDonald's tried to get into the steakhouse market?

It was a big mcsteak

 

[DU99]

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire.


Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up".


The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"


So, the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First" she said "I want to be very, VERY wealthy".


*POOF!*


Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. In two lifetimes even!


The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next" she said "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18".


*POOF!*


The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.


"Third" she said to the fairy "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

*POOF!*


The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you had me neutered!!"

 

[DU99]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning".


Christmas morning arrives and they were all on the golf course.


The first guy says "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".


Number two guy says "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures".


Number three guy says "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual".


They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the arse and said: 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf' and she said 'Don't forget sunscreen!'".

 

[Brewer Tom]

My wife was cleaning 12 year old sons room and found some serious bondage gear.

She asked what should she do.

I said under no circumstance spank him.

 

[OATY1KENOBE]

Last night I said to my wife " I'm gunna give you a huge orgasm !! "
So I did.
.............then the bitch spat it straight back in my face !!

 

[Grmblz]

Black man goes to the doctors and says "every time I have sex with a white woman my eyes sting"
Doctor says "that'll be the pepper spray"

 

[Tomo]

Black man goes to the doctors and says "every time I have sex with a white woman my eyes sting"
Doctor says "that'll be the pepper spray"

That's not funny any more

 

[Grmblz]

That's not funny any more

Well my black mates think it's hilarious, maybe they're not as politically correct as you, or maybe they take it for what it is A JOKE! and don't think they haven't got some rippers about us whiteys. Have a beer and chill out.

 

[Nullnvoid]

That's not funny any more

It's not funny any less either

 

[Norbert]

This has never been funny!

Well my black mates think it's hilarious, maybe they're not as politically correct as you, or maybe they take it for what it is A JOKE! and don't think they haven't got some rippers about us whiteys. Have a beer and chill out.

 

[Grmblz]

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".

Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing.

A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

 

[Nullnvoid]

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".

Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing.

A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

That's not funny anymore!

 

[Grmblz]

Or any less!

 

[Chods1]

That's not funny anymore!

Why not?

 

[Nullnvoid]

Why not?

It was a joke.

But it's not funny because I don't have the sexual relations so it cuts deep

 

[Garfield]

I don't have the sexual relations so it cuts deep

The first cut is the deepest

 

[Grmblz]

The first cut is the deepest

Not when it's one of my favourite songs. quite ironic really

 

[Garfield]

Not when it's one of my favourite songs. quite ironic really

I should mention I was born two decades too late... But what a time to be alive!!!

Sgt. Pepper, Foxy Lady, Little Johnny Farnham, Martin Luther King Jr, our natives qualifying as Australian citizens and the best looking mustang and camaro in history.

Sure is a shame about poor old Harold Holt, the Soviets, the domestic genocide in Cambodia, Charles Manson, Apollo 1, Tasmania nearly burning to the ground and of course the Vietnam War.

All things considered, who could forget 1967? Now do any PC leftists take issue with my recording of history?

 

[philrob]

I should mention I was born two decades too late... But what a time to be alive!!!

Sgt. Pepper, Foxy Lady, Little Johnny Farnham, Martin Luther King Jr, our natives qualifying as Australian citizens and the best looking mustang and camaro in history.

Sure is a shame about poor old Harold Holt, the Soviets, the domestic genocide in Cambodia, Charles Manson, Apollo 1, Tasmania nearly burning to the ground and of course the Vietnam War.

All things considered, who could forget 1967? Now do any PC leftists take issue with my recording of history?

I was a teenager in the 60s. Let's not forget Cream, one of the best bands ever. In my 7 decades, the 60s are still my most memorable. I regularly play 60s bands on Spotify on my daily morning exercise walk. And, of course, I reached legal drinking age in the 1960s! I'm not going to comment on certain other intimate firsts (yes, firsts) accomplished back then, just use your imagination.