You Know You're A Home Brewer If....

Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum

Help Support Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.


Doctor's Orders Brewing
Reaction score
You might be a homebrewer if...

10. Your relatives come to visit and the first thing they ask is "why
is your floor so sticky"

9. The DEA has questioned you on what you are doing with all this lab

8. Your neighbor with the hamm radio complains he cant get a
reception due to all the stainless steel in your garage.

7. You show up to somebody else's party but your the one that
provides all the beer.

6. You have said more than twice in your life "here, try this I made
it myself"

5. You and the guy at the local weld shop are on a first name basis.

4. The cashier at Home depot or Lowes asks "what are you gonna do
with all this stuff"

3. Friends ask you "whats that growing in your back yard" and you
say "hops"

2. The guy who owns the LHBS smiles every time you walk in the door.

1. Simply put, Your on this board.

_ you rush home in you lunch break to check a yeast crop.

The only time you ever had a skinfull and lept out of bed at 6am the
next morning was to mash more.

_You spend more time in the homebrew store chatting than you do
- you regard the owner as a bloody good bloke.

- Until he sells you crap malts, which is when he becomes slime.

if you move you have to make an extra trip just for bottles.

-there is no room in your shed for your lawnmower, lawn furniture,
gas cans, etc.

-you go to a wedding or other party at a hall and drink whiskey
rather than Bud or Coors

-you are pleased to hear that a party is "BYOB"; you were going to do
it anyway and now you dont have to insult the host

-you love to wake up to the sound of bubbling airlocks

-10 of your 15 "favorite places" on your internet service provider
are beer related (well, you like sports too)

-you have a dozen or more "soda" kegs but not a drop of soda in the

-people you hardly know knock on your door and say: "well I was in
the neighborhood, saw your lights were on..."

-your local corner bar has less beer variety than you

- You get up at 5:00 am to beat the recycling truck to your
neighbor's homes (assuming you bottle a lot).

- You have one, or more, children with the word "ale" somewhere in
their name (e.g., George Ales-Worth Finkus, III).

- Goats have suddenly appeared in your yard and begun eating your 5
foot high composting grain pile.

- You receive a X-mas turkey from the local LP (propane) dealer.

- Instead of rice, you throw Irish moss at your cousin's wedding.

- A three-car garage becomes a top prioity when looking for a house.

- You spent more time researching a new RIMS/HERMS system than you
did that new car or truck.

- You start giving advice in the plumbing section of Home Depot or

- You try to find excuses to buy stainless-steel fittings instead of
PVC at work.

- You stop to look at refridgerators that are sitting out by the road
or dumpster.

- the police have stopped by to check out your garden, the Jr.High
behind your house is a bit worried

- you make signs for your garden

-One of your favorite drinking spots is your crawlspace.

-you're constantly having to tell friends, relatives, etc., that
the "nasty" stuff at the bottom of the bottle is completely normal
and won't kill them.

-You find yourself constantly repeating the phrase "It's just a

- your stove/burner is covered with charred boilover

- you've been wounded by a (broken) glass carboy, but you felt worse
about the lost beer

Your brewery is worth twice what your car is.

- if you walk through the bulk food section at the grocery store and
think you could mash half the stuff there

- you ask the wife if you can put fresh hops in
her potpourri

- the word beercan bothers you on a spiritual level

you have a healing burn on your hand from hot wort

if you get glassware for crhistmas from your freinds because they
know you will fill them up.
or the ? what are you brewing this week, instead of what are you
doing this week.
if your wife walks in the room and says when are you going to fix the
toilet, and you say, dont bother
me im taking a hydrometer reading.

-If you've ever had to mop the ceiling

- You find yourself waking up in the middle of night to check your

- You have a spare bedroom in your home but nobody could stay there
for all the home brew stuff.

- Your neighbors look at you very strange since every time they see
you, you have huge glass bottles or tubing in your hands.

- You keep your house comfortable not for yourself but for the right
temp for your beer.

- You have no real food in your refrigerator or freezer - only beer

-You take a swig of your yeast starter, and smile

-Your buddies show up while you're filling up the last bottle...

-Your dog seems to stumble a lot

-Your kitchen has six packs of empty bottles in every corner

-Garage sales and Flea Markets take on a whole new meaning...

-you know more about a country's beer than the actual country.

-you know the city the beer was brewed in but not the capital of the

-you've said " It's good but a little flat, try some."

-you worry more about slow fermentation than your spouse's illness.

You choose more time naming each of the beers you make than your

If your 2 1/2 year old daughters' vocabulary in beer terminology is
larger than her cartoon knowledge....

If you talk to your yeast before pitching them.
(Hey, how many talk and sing to plants?)

If you have to be pulled off of someone at a party because they
poured the last 2 ozs of their beer ( supplied by you ) onto the

If your daughters Show and Tell project is how to make beer.

You pour out and drink the beer from your yeast starter..not wanting
to waste it.

The group of parents that gather at your house 1 day a month
for "Play Group" want to sit as far from the starters bubbling away
on the counter top as possible.....

You mother visits and upon opening the fridge, sees all these tubes
with yeast in them, but thinks instead that you have contracted a
serious disease and won't tell her about the "medication" in the

You save the hop packages after opening them for a few hours, so that
every time you walk by them, you can stick your nose in the bag and
breathe deeply.......

Your son or daughter sees the UPS truck in front of your house and
says "Daddy, the beer man is here."

-The birthday picture your seven-year old daughter
drew of you at school shows you holding a beer.

-You measure the garage to see if another freezer/fridge will fit

-You spent more on beer/brewing than you did on food last year

You moved and your mother in law commented "Why does he need all this
stuff to make beer. I just don't know if I like that."

Your father in law requires you give him at least a six pack to enter
his house.

- Sticky notes in your work-cube contain more to-do's for HB, than
your actual job.

- When being introduced to someone the first thing you hear is, "oh,
and your the guy that makes beer."

- The LHBS owner's Porsche has your name on his customized license

- You celebrate Oktoberfest every month, except October

- You spend more time at Work on the Internet searching for Brewing
Information than you do working

- You now understand that "homebrew" can also be radio equipment

- Your freezer has more hops than ice

- You find that the only presents you get now are beer related

- You find yourself looking at an ordinary item and thinking "how can
I use this in my brewing process?"

- You spend a week planning a brew session, and an hour planning the
redecorating of yout house

You name your puppy "Fuggles"

You have ever added hop pellets to a Bud hoping to make it taste

You own a fridge with a hole drilled in it.

- You make your wife wait 30 minutes after her water broke so you can
pitch yeast

- You have two deep freezers but neither of them has been below 32F

- The biggest buying points for your house were the bar in the
basement and the extra double wide garage

Your daughter looks at a turkey baster and says - "Hey my Dad uses
one of these when he makes beer."

When out of town at a hotel you pore over the yellow pages for HB
stores in the area...

if every time you brew a cop drives by and stop to ask what that
copper wort chiller is REALLY for

-Your hands are immersed in sainitizer so often you could do surgery
at any moment without washing.

-Your heart breaks a little bit every time you have to throw spent
yeast down the drain.

Your 12 year old daughter has to bring a family recipe to school as
an assignment.

She brings the oatmeal stout recipe.

You get a note from teacher.

He wants a sample.

when you stop asking
"what can I bring to the party ? "

-your sink in the garage is nicer than the one in the kitchen

Miss a date with a goreous babe because you can't chill the wort any

When your 1.5 year old son finds no-label empty beer bottles at
Thanksgiving dinner, picks them up, and shouts out "DAD!!!!" as he
wanders the house looking for you.

If you've ever bought a toilet valve for something other than a

You have a girl sleep over at your apartment and you have to move the
carboys around in the bathroom before you can both stand in the
shower (hey, I can keep the bathroom COLD in the winter!)

.. or she just refuses to even open the bathroom door because its so

Everytime new people come into your place they ask what all the hoses
and coolers are for.

All the neighbors (and I live in a crowded apt. complex) stop asking
what you are doing when you are out with your jet engine propane
cooker, huge pots, hoses, and coolers.

Your friends finally realize that just because it SAYS "Hopdevil"
doesn't mean it IS Hopdevil.

You have to accompany your friends to the fridge to pick out a beer
for them. ("Okay, what's what here?")

You have Promash on your work computer.

You have a picture of a beautiful glass of beer as your desktop.. at

You put your digital thermometer in every corner of your place to
figure out where the best temperatures are.

Things like coats, vacuums, ironing boards, skis, are strewn about
your apartment but your closets are nicely organized, with beer and

When your wife and son are on a class trip and the school bus drives
past the Miller brewery and everyone on the bus complains about the
smell and wonder what it is. And my son proudly informing the group
its HOPS. Wife having to explain about my obsession/hobby.

When you have more fridges than people in your house.

When you are thankful for yet more justification of the health
benefits of drinking 2-3 beers per day.

When you pay homage to Belgium or any other great brewing nation.

You plan your honeymoon around the beer served in each country.
(Never visit Fiji)

You look in the neighbors trash and see something you can use for
homebrewing (I can use that large plastic tub).

The beer you bring to the party goes faster than the

When at a party your wife groans when she overhears someone ask
you "so just how do you brew beer"?

You have an unnatural curvature on the floor in front of the kitchen
sink from excessive spilage

You actually tear up a bit when you find out your beer caught an
infection and has gone sour

you smile as you figure out that you can make that same infected beer
into an oud bruin by adding some cherries

You have to re-sod the yard in the area between the back door and the
brewing patio (and install stepping stones to avoid having to do it

you throw parties just to make more keg space for the batch in

Your wife begs you to make a low alcohol beer so that you are not
blitzed off of three beers

-For Christmas, your husband buys you a yeast culturing kit , you get
him De Clerck's Textbook of Brewing, and you get your Dad everything
he needs to start brewing his own beer so you don't have to bring
beer home anymore

-You show up at the airport at 7:30 am for a noon flight because you
know you're going to have to do a lot of explaining about the 2 soda
kegs of beer you are attempting to check as luggage

-The fire department is at your house at 5:00am because your propane
tank is on fire.

-The police show up to investigate why you are using propane at
5:00am and say "This place smells like the Bud plant in Van Nuys"

-You overlook the unnatural curvature of the kitchen floor because
why be in the kitchen when you can be outside brewing

You force the last bottle of homebrew on someone at a party so you
can leave without abandoning any de-labelled bottles.

Your opinion of a bookstore is based solely on how large its beer
section is

Your friends are surprised when you hand them a beer WITHOUT a story

Your back yard is littered with offcuts of stainless steel, copper
pipe and fridge doors

The only days you don't hit 'snooze' are brewdays

You refer to your 'dining room' in inverted commas

And your 'laundry'
You call in sick to work so you can stay home and mash/brew. :D
Some great one liners in there Doc :)

Good T-Shirt / Bumper Sticker material heheh :chug:
yes indeed.
In fact I have some good stickers on my kegs from my lhbs.

Home Brewers get better head.
Commercial brew makes me spew.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

The one I added to was

Someone said they had a yeast infection, and you ask what they were brewing at the time