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dreamboat

Fantasy Brewer
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when we both sliced our balls into a pasture with cows.
While I was rooting around for them I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my
big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.

I don't remember much after that".
 

Tallgum

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Hope you fellars arnt religious,
The Brithish open sends out invitations to heads of state to play in the open,one ends up at the vatican and the pope being to old to play sends it on to his boss, so Jesus shows up at the first tee with St peter as his caddy. Alls going well till they get to the third hole, a par three with water in front of the green, st peter hands him a seven iron and jesus says nah give us an eight, st peter says thats not enough club ,jesus says :Tiger Woods hits an eight iron on this hole so give us an 8 iron,sure unough not enough club and lands in the water, st. peter hands him another ball and the 7iron, jesus again says no and hits the 8 iron again ,bang short inthe water, st.peter says well thats it were out of balls,jesus says never mind ,ill go and get the ones out of the water so he walks on the water to retrieve the balls when somebody yells out "hey who do you think you are jesus christ" and st peter yells out "nah, he thinks hes Tiger Woods".
 

johnno

It's YUMMY
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hahahaha
they both gave me a good laugh, specially the Tiger Woods one :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

THE DRUNK ARAB

Zen Arcade
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Here's another one:

>A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
> first of the twosome
> teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
> foursome of men playing the
> next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
> clasped his hands together at
> his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident
> agony. The woman rushed
> down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please
> allow me to help. I'm a
> physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
> "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll
> be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly
> as he remained in the foetal
> position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she
> persisted, and he finally allowed
> her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
> side, she loosened his pants,
> and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
> him, "How does that
> feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
>
 

johnno

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While we are on the bad golf jokes

A guy is playing golf with a priest on day. A the first hole, the priest hits a lovely drive down the fairway and looks to the heavens and says, "Thank you God, thank you for that shot!"
The other guy then slices his tee shot into the trees and screams, "What a fuckin' useless shitty freakin shot that was!"
The Priest turns a blind eye to this and they continue. On the second hole the priest knocks a lovely drive right down the middle and says, "Thank you Lord, thank you for helping me strike that ball so well!"
The other guy hits a complete shank and bellows, "What a fuckin shitty pox weak arse girls blouse shot that was!"
The priest turns to him and says, "My son, you cannot keep cursing like that or the Lord will strike thee down in his vengeance to all things impure." The Guy apologizes and they continue.
On the third hole, the priest knocks a lovely iron onto a Par 3 and it goes straight in for a hole-in-one, " Thank you my savior," crys the Priest, "thankyou, Lord, forever I will be in your debt!"
The other guys hacks one straight into the water and goes off the handle. "You fuckin hopeless asswipe! What kind of a fuckin useless shitty shot was that?" he screams.
Just then, the clouds open and a huge finger points out from above and sends a lightning bolt out which hits the Priest and kills him on the spot. From the heavens a voice booms, "What a fuckin shitty shot that was!!!!!!!!!"
 

Tallgum

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A married couple were playing in a competition event called foursomes, thats where the 2 of you play the one ball and have allternet shots, they happened to be playing on an outback course that let cows on the course to help keep the mowing down ,on the third hole the husband teed off and upon reaching the ball it was slap bang in the middle of a fresh cow pat, the husband laughed and said ,darling it is your shot,she pulled out a club , deliberately took an air swing and said darling now its your shot. :p
 

M@ŤŢ

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Q. What's the difference between a lost golf ball and a mounted police man? A. One of them's a 'hunt' on a 'course'
 

dicko

Boston Bay Brewery
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Another oldie,

Subject: Golf 6:30 or 6:45 a.m.
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group
>>at
>>7:00
>> > a.m.
>> > > >on
>> > > > Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
>>out of
>>town
>> > and
>> > > > they were talking about trying to fill out the
>>foursome. A
>>woman
>> > > > expressed some interest in joining them. They were
>>hesitant,
>>but
>> > > >said
>> > > > she could come once to try it, and they would see what
>>they
>> > thought.
>> > > > They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at
>>6:30
>>or
>> > 6:45."
>> > > >
>> > > > She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a
>>course
>>record
>> > > >with
>> > > >a
>> > > > 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in
>>the
>> > clubhouse
>> > > > congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and
>>pleasant the
>>entire
>> > > >round.
>> > > >
>> > > > The guys happily invited her back the next week and
>>she
>>said,
>> > "Sure,
>> > > > I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
>> > > >
>> > > > Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only
>>this
>>time,
>>she
>> > > >played
>> > > > left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the
>>previous
>> > week.
>> > > >
>> > > > By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked
>>her to
>>join
>> > the
>> > > > group for keeps. They had a beer after their round,
>>and one
>>of
>> > the
>> > > > guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to
>>golf
>> > > >right-handed or
>> > > > left-handed?"
>> > > >
>> > > > She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf
>>course,
>>I
>> > pull
>> > > >the
>> > > > covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his
>> > > >'you-know-what'
>> > > > is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's
>>pointed
>>to
>> > > >the
>> > > >left,
>> > > > I golf left-handed."
>> > > >
>> > > > One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight
>>up?"
>> > > >
>> > > > She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
 
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