Frequently Asked Questions?

[mongo]

When I first started using these forums, I asked a lot of the standard newbie questions which prompted the standard "do a search on..." response.
Well, I have now come of age. Despite still being a relative AG brewing newbie, I reckon I am learning this forum's etiquette at a great rate. So much so, that I have this suggestion:
Why don't we just have a frequently asked questions section of this forum, to divert innocent newbies from inadvertently posting questions that have been covered millions of times before.
I would like to kick off the list with a couple of my own nominated FAQs:


Q: I have "x" number of kegs. Is it enough?
A: No



Q: I found a spider/dead frog/dismembered human body in my fermenter. Should I bottle it, or throw it out?

A: Once me and my mate found a bee/horse's head/slice of quiche in our starter/fermenter/stubby. It tasted beutiful. Couldn't tell the difference. You'll be right.



Q: I am trying to clone a VB. What should I do?
A: Seek medical help.


this list is obivously a work in progress. In fact, perhaps it's work that should not be continued at all :lol: Still - seems a shame not to post this topic after all this typing I've done, so bugger it - I'm posting it. Please feel free to add any suggestions you may have for this FAQ list.
Cheers :beer:
mongo.

 

[tangent]

many ppl including myself have posted titles such as Newbies to AG etc.
i think there might be some airlocked threads like what you've mentioned

 

[Doc]

Check out the Frequently Requested Links and you may find what you are looking for.
It is always open for additions of new material.

Beers,
Doc

 

[mongo]

I spose I was trying to be light - hearted.
Was never actually trying to develop a list of *useful* FAQs like yourself (as demonstrated by my suggestions!). Basically, I wanted to compile a list of piss-takes of all the stereotypical answers we get to certain answers.
Ah forget it - stupid idea
I think I'll just get myself another beer right after I do a "rock on" smiley! :super:
Cheers!
mongo.

 

[mongo]

but thanks Doc and Tangent. As always, very prompt, helpful and welcoming of all walks of posters!
:beer:

 

[johnno]

Q:Why can't I buy cheap hops anymore?


A:Who is game enough to answer.

 

[tangent]

i smiled mongo "bee/horse's head/slice of quiche" is my kind of humour
maybe you should have recomposed your message as a Seinfeld style "Don't you hate it when newbies ask 'how long should I rack for?' then after spending 10 minutes typing an answer, see the same asshole with a different username on another forum asking the same questions, oblivious to whatever you just typed..?"

A. Not you Johnno?

smiley face

 

[mongo]

:lol: :lol:
Johnno - brilliant!

yeah tangent, I agree. It's difficult to convey a bit of a sarcastic attitude over the forums. Should have thought about it more!

:beer:
mongo.

 

[mika]

Q. The girlfriend has said she'd leave if I brewed another beer, What should I do ?
A. Hold an AG brew day and wish her all the best

Q. My beer is going flat after being in the bottle for more than 3 weeks, What should i do ?
A. Drink faster

Q. I have 11 cartons of homebrew in the shed but am still tempted to make more. Is this a problem
A. Only 11 ?? I don't think you're taking this seriously enough, join a flower arranging forum !!

 

[stephen]

Q. The girlfriend has said she'd leave if I brewed another beer, What should I do ?
A. Hold an AG brew day and wish her all the best

Q. My beer is going flat after being in the bottle for more than 3 weeks, What should i do ?
A. Drink faster

Q. I have 11 cartons of homebrew in the shed but am still tempted to make more. Is this a problem
A. Only 11 ?? I don't think you're taking this seriously enough, join a flower arranging forum !!

[post="109385"][/post]​

Stop it! My sides are hurting....

 

[Weizguy]

I spose I was trying to be light - hearted.

May I suggest, wrong forum?

A. Not you Johnno?

Mellow out dude. If U surf too many forums, U'll turn into beer geek...and U spelled @sshole the Yank way. U know how I feel about yanks (ha ha).

Can we get this moved, if necessary, and cut the O/T stuff out.

I don't think you're taking this seriously enough, join a flower arranging forum !!

Q: I am a mo@ning b!itch. What should I make for my next batch of ag (anything)?

A: Take up bingo or knitting. Maybe both...or buy a March pump

Seth Attitude

 

[mika]

I spose I was trying to be light - hearted.

May I suggest, wrong forum?

[post="109391"][/post]​

Hmmm... time to quit this forum if that's the case

 

[Weizguy]

I spose I was trying to be light - hearted.

May I suggest, wrong forum?

[post="109391"][/post]​

Hmmm... time to quit this forum if that's the case

[post="109404"][/post]​

I merely meant that maybe this thread should be moved to Humour & Jokes, if it's not "beer serious".

Hey, I don't want to chase contributors off the forum. It's variety of people that makes this a great pace on the web.

...but, for anyone who can't take a joke, well...

 

[tangent]

i was mis-quoting a seppo so i used seppo spelling
and yes, it looks like this thread was started in a humour vein.

 

[mika]

Sorry Weizguy, took you post the wrong way.
OK, so it's agreed it's humour, let's get it moved and see what everyone else can come up with.
Admin/Moderators ?

Q. I'm thinking of automating my entire brew process with a series of computer controlled robots, thermostats and the such. It would also be great to hook it up to a HTML interface so I can brew from work. Can it be done ?
A. Sure, look in Gear & Equipment and send a PM to Doc.

 

[Stuster]

Q: I put down a kit ten minutes ago and it's still not bubbling. What should I do?
A: Dump it. It'll be off mate.

Q: My beer has been fermenting for almost a day now. Is this too long to leave it in the fermenter?
A: I once left my beer in secondary for 7 years and it was beautiful (once you scraped the green scum off the top). You'll be right.

Q: My beer is out in the sun on the back porch. The stick on thermo thingy on the side has melted a bit. Will my beer be ok?
A: Sorry mate. I only brew in ice caves so I have no experience with that sort of thing.

 

[Mr Bond]

Q: I put down a kit ten minutes ago and it's still not bubbling. What should I do?
A: Dump it. It'll be off mate.

Q: My beer has been fermenting for almost a day now. Is this too long to leave it in the fermenter?
A: I once left my beer in secondary for 7 years and it was beautiful (once you scraped the green scum off the top). You'll be right.

Q: My beer is out in the sun on the back porch. The stick on thermo thingy on the side has melted a bit. Will my beer be ok?
A: Sorry mate. I only brew in ice caves so I have no experience with that sort of thing.

[post="109500"][/post]​

LOL :lol:

Just a tounge in cheek bump for the sake of it

PS:Q: oh yeah should i rehydrate my dry yeast? :blink:

Answer: Much conjecture.

 

[tangent]

Q. my water from the roof has a little bit of bird poo in it instead of the dead possums, stolen vaults, old bicycles, dirt, and chlorine that my mate's tap water has. Should I add these to "Torrensise" my water.

Y. Yes, but racing bikes only and it's 2 dead possums per hectolitre.

 

[PistolPatch]

Nice thread Mongo!

Q. I have just been given a Cooper's Homebrew Kit for my birthday. I am really excited about making my own cheap beer! Can anyone tell me how much money I will save over the next year by learning homebrew?

A. Sorry, I couldn't quite understand your question. I think you meant, '...how much money will I need to save over the next year....?'

 

[SteveSA]

Q. my water from the roof has a little bit of bird poo in it instead of the dead possums, stolen vaults, old bicycles, dirt, and chlorine that my mate's tap water has. Should I add these to "Torrensise" my water.

[post="109520"][/post]​

LOL :lol: