Frequently Asked Questions?

[pint of lager]

Very funny stuff.

We have all seen topics similar to those here.

"Hi, my name is Fred and I have just recieved a microbrewery kit for my Birthday. It is 35 degrees in the house, is this too high to brew with? How much extra sugar can I add? I really want to surprise my mates when they fall over after one longneck. Wow, am so excited at all the money I am going to save. When will my brew be ready to drink?"

Reply to the newbie post and give him the guidance you would have appreciated when you joined up. Give him a link or two to some of the basics. Get him to use the introduce yourself topic. Gently explain the forum arrangement and search link. Once you get used to using the search function, it is easy to use. Don't fall into the trap of blandly saying use the search button.

Make sure you follow the KIS factor for newer brewers, all they need is temp, sanitation, good ingredients and a thirst for more knowledge and better beer.

 

[mika]

Q. "Hi, my name is Fred and I have just recieved a microbrewery kit for my Birthday. It is 35 degrees in the house, is this too high to brew with?

A. Hi Fred, certainly too hot to brew with, nothing above 8C is acceptable, you'll need a coolroom approx 10x10x8.. metres that is. You can get away with 50kW cooling capacity, but better if you spend the extra couple of dollars and go for 75kW.

Q. How much extra sugar can I add? I really want to surprise my mates when they fall over after one longneck.

A. Fred, generally the yeats won't go much better than 6% so if you really want to knock your mates over tell them about the dead possums, stolen vaults, old bicycles, dirt, and chlorine that used to be in the water that made the beer they're drinking.

Q. When will my brew be ready to drink?"

A. Fred, your brew needs to age for at least 6 months to bring out the essence of dead possums, stolen vaults, old bicycles, dirt, and chlorine that used to be in the water that made the beer. Though if you're not in a hurry....

 

[bighanno]

Interesting question " I have just been given a Cooper's Homebrew Kit for my birthday. I am really excited about making my own cheap beer! Can anyone tell me how much money I will save over the next year by learning homebrew?"

The Minister for Finance was asking too many questions about my collection so now I have it delivered to work and smuggle it home..................am I alone or there are braver HB out there?
:blink:

 

[mongo]

mika lika - you own this thread! seriously great posts.

Bighanno - not alone. I constantly divert my wife's attention from the task of working out how much electricity my garage fridge setups are chewing.

 

[mongo]

Q: my Coopers K&K beer has a butterscotch taste. What should I do?

A: I started all grain brewing 5 years ago and never had a problem with diacetyl since. You should go AG. I am never going back...


Q: My wife is sleeping with another man. What should I do?

A: I started all grain brewing 5 years ago and never had a problem with adultery since. You should go AG. I am never going back...

 

[mika]

Q: my Coopers K&K beer has a butterscotch taste. What should I do?

A: Keep the kids lolllies away from brewing this is serious stuff, get the kids to start priming bottles, it's the only way you're going to get a brewday under 10 hours.

Q: My wife is sleeping with another man. What should I do?

A: Try and get him interested in your Homebrewing, lets face it the wife was never going to wash the bottles for you, there's still a chance you may turn him.

h34r:

 

[Gerard_M]

Q. My beer has been in the fermentor for 3 days & nothing is happening. The yeast seems to be floating on the top!

A. Did you take the yeast out of the packet?

Unfortunately this is a true story!

 

[Duff]

Q. I've read that yeast are a good nutrient source, so I boiled my yeast. Will my beer be OK?

A. Mate, you are supposed to use an old packet of yeast, not your fresh tube.

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Q. Since I have been brewing, everything I buy is brew related. Is this normal...?


Q My partner things that I am some sort of weirdo, cause a look at brewing sites late at night instead of porn....Am I normal...?

:unsure:

 

[Piste]

The image is pretty poor but you should get the general idea
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/BierReklame-Schild-...1QQcmdZViewItem
Just browsing, not looking for anything in particular.
Must be a Seppo brew.
Q. When baiting Seppo's what size hook do you use?

 

[pint of lager]

Q. All my kegged beers are overcarbonated. How do I fix this problem?

A. Unfortunately, once a keg is infected with the overcarbonation bug, it will continue to overcarbonate till it reaches dangerous levels. You run the risk of the keg exploding, similar to a glass bottle. This can set off the keg next to it in a chain reaction.

There is no known solution. No amount of cleaning will remove the overcarbonation bug from the keg, it is ruined and a danger to you and your family.

To treat the keg so it can not infect any other keg, it must be disposed of properly. Not many facilities accept these problem kegs as they combine a rather nasty biomass problem along with the real risk of exploding. The government was talking of a buyback scheme, but that has fallen through.

The only facilities that I know of, are at my next door neighbour's. For a modest fee, I will take them there and dispose of them properly and send you a handsome certificate via return post. Please carefully package your keg, a 60 litre fermenter is suitable as a carrier, so long as you pack it well with bubblewrap.

Please pm me for the postal address and bank account details for direct depositing the disposal fee.

Think of your children, play it safe, dispose of your problem thoughtfully.

 

[PistolPatch]

Q. I have just put out 60 stubbies (375ml) and am ready to bottle my brew. I know this question has probably been asked a thousand times but when I opened the brewers yeast packet, I was surprised to see a whole lot of tiny brown balls. How many of these balls do I put in each stubby?

A. 67 and two thirds.

Q. What if I use longnecks - the ones I have are 750ml?