Alcoholism

[Fents]

Being a beer forum im sure a few people have been affected by alcoholism.....im not asking you if you are an alco more about if you have known someone who has and have been affected by it...or any addiction for that matter.....

I have a parent who's been an alcoholic since i was born. Im now the only one in our immediate family who looks after them, everyone else has been burnt numerous times and has walked away saying "thats enough".... somehow i do myself injustice and keep going back for more punishment. (thats what it feels like anyway)

This person has been in rehab more times than i care to remember and i dont know if its the answer....get sober for 30 days, comes home feeling great, one little "life" problem creeps up and bam! its back to the bottle. Everyone has problems in life, disabilites, people die, people cheat, people get sick...its how you deal with these problems that will set you apart from the rest. Im not looking for sympathy but rather a discussion on the topic to make me feel better.

Everyone has addictions, i've got my own but you just cant let it control you.

Ever know someone with a really bad addiction?

Did you help them?

Did it work?

Did you get burnt in the process?

How do you help someone who cant help themselves?

When is enough, enough?

Try and keep it serious guys, keep the smart ass replies and boasting your drinking regime in the other threads.

 

[Bribie G]

Fents, as you probably are aware there is a 12 step programme called "Alanon" which is for people who are affected by another person's drinking. Bound to be a group near you and the meetings can help, I believe.

linky

 

[bum]

I'm in something of a similar situation as you, Fents. Only my person (not a parent in this case) has been having a hard time with a much harder substance.

Anyway, in answer to some of your questions: Yeah I helped and I kept helping. Yeah my fingers got burned - not just by the annoyance of the help given seemingly being for nothing but also financial losses have been incurred). Yeah the person got better, got worse, got better, etc. Did finally sort her life out enough that it was the closest it has ever been on track for her and kept it that way for a few years now. She's now got two beautiful kids.

And it looks like she's heading backwards again now. Pretty close to just walking from it and trying to get the kids taken from her.

There's not really much anyone can say to help, bloke. Either you have it in you or you don't. You clearly do.

[EDIT: Oh, and more closely on topic. Yeah, both my parents have done themselves damage on this piss. Mum has been on the wagon for a bit over 10 years now and we're all very proud of her for it. Dad...he's what you might call a functional alcoholic and will never alter.]

 

[mje1980]

Father in law. Not their fault, but they will burn you over and over and over. My wife fortunately didn't have too much to do with him her whole life, but her eldest sister got the raw end rof the deal. She tried to have a relationship with him and as a consequence got burnt a lot.

He died not long ago in a bumf*ck town, with half a chicko roll in the fridge. He would pick cigarette butts from pub ashtrays. He also got plain ripped off by drug addicted/selling scum. I felt sorry for him, as angry as i was about the situation.

You can try to help, but it is very unlikely ( in my unprofessional opinion ) that you will convince him to stop.

But its hard to stop helping, i understand that.

Good luck mate, sincerely.

 

[brendo]

Sorry to hear that mate... and from experience, I know it is damn hard to deal with.

My old man was/is a closet drinker, drink driver... not a good way to be exposed to appropriate alcohol consumption... top that off with bouts of bi-polar and schizophrenia and it is a pretty good mix. Best thing about it all is that now he can deny all responsibility for past actions and alcohol abuse - it wasn't him, it was his disorder.

At 21-22 my parents had split, Dad was in a variety of hospitals getting treatment after a complete breakdown and I was now responsible for ensuring that a roof remained over our heads.

Been burnt more times than I can count... but have managed to reach a place where I can accept that it will be what it will be and just try to make the best of it I can.

Never easy mate, and no right answers - at the end of the day I think you have to reach a place that is right for you and your family - make sure that they are protected because at the end of the day they are what is most important - especially with a little one on the way.

Hang in there mate...

Brendo

edit... speeling

 

[Fents]

thanks bribie, yep i have been asked to go to alanon before but honestly i've been a bit of a prick about it and always said no, its your problem not mine, im not the one that needs help. maybe posting it here made me realise i prob should go to one.

 

[Fents]

but have managed to reach a place where I can accept that it will be what it will be and just try to make the best of it I can.

at the end of the day I think you have to reach a place that is right for you and your family - make sure that they are protected because at the end of the day they are what is most important - especially with a little one on the way.

bloody wise words mate....i need to reach that place where i dont get burnt but still care enough to love them.

 

[brendo]

bloody wise words mate....i need to reach that place where i dont get burnt but still care enough to love them.

easier said that done mate... but I sincerely wish you luck in trying to get there... and always happy to catch up for a chat if you need to - the problem is more common than many of us would like to admit.

 

[Bribie G]

thanks bribie, yep i have been asked to go to alanon before but honestly i've been a bit of a prick about it and always said no, its your problem not mine, im not the one that needs help. maybe posting it here made me realise i prob should go to one.

I've been to a few AlAnon meetings, about 15 years ago I was in a relationship with an alcoholic lady and tried all the rescue things, take her over to my place for the weekend to get her away from her wine casks in the wardrobe etc. Then she's throwing up at 3 o'clock in the morning because she's found the listerine in the bathroom cupboard and skolled it. You wouldn't pick her in public, smart, attractive, intelligent, been to a really good Private high school, but it was a different thing when she got behind closed doors and into the wine cask.

She went into a rehab on the Gold Coast for a whole year and I waited for her - then they got her a housing commission flat in a nice inner suburb street and she was going great for a few weeks. Then one morning I popped in as a surprise with some croissants and coffee etc and she was lying on the kitchen floor in her nightie throwing up on the floor and then drinking Fruity Lexia, then throwing up and drinking more FL .... couldn't help her and had to let her go. However the Alanon meetings I went to were a help and I knew I was in the right place when they started sharing their stories.

edit: the worst thing is that you eventually come to realise that you can't help them and that's a bad place for a guy to be in.

 

[manticle]

Been surrounded by it (addictions of various types) and held my self back from my own/got away from them before. I generally avoid talking about certain things online but as with all things in life - you can only help someone who wants to AND WILL and DOES help themselves.

I've known various situations (family, friends, intimate relationships) which have had both good and bad outcomes - most often things really need to hit the wall before something will change. I've also known situations that have ended as disastrously as possible.

Happy to give any details via PM but my experience is that as difficult as it is - you need to remember yourself and know where to draw the line. It's as easy for you to trust them 'just one more time' as it is for them to have just one more drink/hit/bet/pipe.

That said - some people do help themselves with that bit of extra support so nothing is cut and dried.

 

[Shed101]

you need to remember yourself and know where to draw the line.

Not wanting to go into detail, but this is wise.

Look after yourself Fents, 'cos no one else really can.

 

[bcp]

In my case my dad was on harder drugs, but when he didn't have access he'd use alcohol heavily and was a pretty frightening drunk for a kid to cope with. He's cool now.

Sometimes you can be up close to people with addictions, sometimes you have to keep your own head above water.

Maybe the best thing you can ever give them is to still recognise the person underneath all the crap who never really wanted their life to turn out the way it did. It's still there, somewhere, though sometimes you gotta take that on faith. It's kind of like sending a message that - you matter, you're still worthwhile - even if there's nothing i can do to help.

 

[Nick JD]

Alcohol addiction is sometimes just a plain addiction - sometimes. Almost every other time it's a form of self-medication for various forms of anxiety or depression.

People addicted to alcohol need to be seen by someone who can diagnose the root-cause of their need for a shield to face their personal demons.

The best way anyone can help someone who is addicted to a substance is to find professional help - and to hope they can get to the bottom of the self-medication.

Attempting to fix them yourself is akin to taking a hammer to your car when it won't start.

EDIT: Alcohol is a terrible drug to combat anxiety and depression because it has bad side-effects and is almost impossible to prescribe a constant dose. BigPharma has developed much better drugs for people who find everyday events too big to cope with.

 

[RdeVjun]

The best way anyone can help someone who is addicted to a substance is to find professional help - and to hope they can get to the bottom of the self-medication.

Quite right. In being emotionally involved, i.e. the addict is someone close to you, be it an intimate, relative or a friend, the most constructive thing to do in my view is to guide them towards professional assistance. Addiction takes advantage of the fact that as a 'friend' invariably we'll cut the addict more slack, and quite often just enable it to persist, so this can be counter- productive in the long run.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Mindfulness, etc, are excellent tools in overcoming addiction and should have long- lasting benefits that are helpful beyond dealing with the immediate challenges. Professionals practising these techniques, plus individual and group counselling should be accessible in most public health services, albeit the units are often under- resourced, but that's where I'd direct the addict, and someone trying to support and assist an addict in or towards rehabilitation as well. This also takes some of the burden off us as the 'significant others', and let's be serious, we're not likely to possess the skills of professionals in dealing with addiction, but we're also emotionally compromised and as such our objectivity is crippled.
My 2c, hope it helps...

 

[Dazza_devil]

I find it very hard to be sympathetic toward anyone who has a problem with alcohol.
A problem with an alcoholic however is a bad place to be indeed.

 

[Nick JD]

I find it very hard to be sympathetic of anyone who has a problem with alcohol.

They don't need sympathy. They need help.

 

[altstart]

They don't need sympathy. They need help.

You cant help an addict they have to get to a terrible place full of despair, blackness and hopelesness and then sincerely want and ask quietely for help from a spiritual source. Then they can be helped but they have to ask and acknowledge they have a problem.
Regards Altstart

 

[schooey]

....and then sincerely want and ask quietely for help from a spiritual source.

:huh:

Why does it have to be a spiritual source? I agree the person in question has to have motivation and dedication to deal with their addiction, but sometimes spirituality adds more to the problem than the help.

An addiction is an addiction, you don't get better or recover; there is no such thing as a 'former' addict.

 

[manticle]

Good to see you have all the answers altstart.

Not wanting to have a shitfight so please don't interpret it that way but there is not a one size fits all approach to addicts or addiction.

Spiritual may work for some. Others may end up needing anti-psychotics, others just counselling. Some end up hitting that black pit of despair you mention and never getting out.

All sorts of people with all sorts of problems develop all sorts of addictions which may have all sorts of solutions. Sometimes none of those work.

 

[smileymark]

My girlfriend is in Rehab at this moment for Alcohol. At least she is honest with me, she says that all she wants to do is get out and on the way home get a GOON.. I do feel what you are going through..I was crying at the drop of a hat when she went in, I am coping with it (just ) at the moment..Keeping communication channels open ,not judging , and leaving to the PROS Itake every day as it comes..but am raw on the inside at the moment...Thankyou for your honesty..hope it all works out for you.