# You Know You Want One.... Oh Yeh...



## sqyre (21/3/08)

Boys.... 

There has been a lot of time and sweat dedicated to the perfect Automated Brewing Machine...

With the use of PLC programmable do-hickys and sub-atomic particle accelerators strapped to 4 slice toasters your attempts at the perfect Brewing Machine i'm afraid have been thwarted...

I introduce you to the Ultimate Brew Bot!!!!





The MRS SQYRE 5000!!!








It Heats!, it Mashes!, It Sparge's!!! 

Tired of getting out the scales and measuring up those fiddly hop additions? No problems!! The MRS SQYRE 5000 does it all!!!

Just put your feet up and watch how MRS SQYRE 5000 Cracks and stirs in the grain, checks and maintains accurate tempretures and times it all to perfection!!! 

And if you you order now we will throw in not 1, not 2, but 3...yes... 3 kids....

_Please Note: Advertised Boobs may appear firmer than they actually are..._


Sqyre... :lol:


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## Mothballs (21/3/08)

Nice one mate. I have really got to get one. Do you still take natures credit card as payment


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## Lobsta (21/3/08)

you forgot one feature: "Kicks your ass when she reads this thread"

hope you have a comfy couch  

Lobby


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## PistolPatch (21/3/08)

Mothballs said:


> Nice one mate. I have really got to get one. Do you still take natures credit card as payment



I can answer that one old mate...

Mrs Sqyre has always been very handy with nature's credit card - no worries there at all. Even got a credit on my last statement of one, "Archer," though I have no idea what that meant :huh: 

Mrs Sqyre: You are every man's dream. Good on ya darls!

Is this your first AG? :beer: 

All my love and if Brucey is asleep, call me honey, you know the number.

 
Pat


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## Whistlingjack (21/3/08)

I want one...

Is it a question of price, or availability?

WJ


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## domonsura (21/3/08)

Working on my own version down here...but not with huge success. I tell her I've run out of beer every night and she still hasn't offered to make some - and I don't think she can say that I haven't done my best to facilitate the process.......I think she needs to come up to a Mrs Sqyre boot camp...can you please give me a delivery address and I'll start working on her transport cage in the mean time  (By the way mate, it was nice knowing ya....:lol: she's gonna tear you to bits for that last note :lol


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## Insight (22/3/08)

Sqyre, please post back in 24 hours. I fear you will meet with an unfortunate accident in the night!

The Mrs Insight 5000 is so far capable of grinding burghal for wits in the coffee grinder (I suspect I'm not to be trusted with the kitchen gadgets). Plus she good at using up the hop freezer for frozen lasagnes and soups. She could use a stint as an intern at the Sqyre Institute...


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## Zwickel (22/3/08)




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## lokpikn (22/3/08)

R.I.P Sqyre

Although i did not know sqyre im sure he was a good man. Im sure this forum will not be the same with out him. 

I hope this teaches us all a leason on how automated brew bots can cause serious harm if not used in accordance to the operating manual.


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## InCider (22/3/08)

Beautiful, just beautiful.

The pics must have been taken mid afternoon, otherwise your dinner wouldn't be ready on time! :lol: 

InCider.


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## joecast (22/3/08)

domonsura said:


> Working on my own version down here...but not with huge success. I tell her I've run out of beer every night and she still hasn't offered to make some



i've got the same fault in my model. hopefully the manufacturer comes to their senses and announces a recall to fix the problem  
sqyre, you're a brave man. i'd be getting my own beers for a while if i were you


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## sqyre (22/3/08)

I'M OK!!! :beerbang: 

Thankfully Mrs Sqyre has a funny bone as long as my er.... Mashpaddle.


After nearly reaching insanity from sitting in the house all day feeding the new addition, she mentioned the other day that she wouldn't mind give brewing a go some time... :blink: 
Obviously i took it as a moment of total loss of her sanity when yesterday she asked if she could fire up the stairway.. :blink: 
"ummmmmm.... yeh..." i replied with the same look you get when your not sure if your going to Spew or Poo.
So i sat back and gave instruction and she went through the process.
This was Mrs Sqyre's first Brew which went great!!
There was a few moments that went a little off schedule due to my fault as i lost total control of myself at the sight of a heavy breasted woman with a mashpaddle.... and as she splashed the mash down her cleavage she cheekily looked and smiled and said "i'm a dirty little Brew Wench" and as we became entangled in each other with the teachings of the Kama sutra in one hand and Palmer's How to brew in the other we slowly.....um....oops.. :icon_offtopic: 

Anyway it was a great Brew day and Fun was had by all...
Sqyre...


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## razz (22/3/08)

:lol: That's gold!


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## braufrau (22/3/08)

I feel inadequate!
Her equipment is so much more impressive than mine!


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## yardy (22/3/08)

shot myself in the foot...

just showed 'er indoors' this thread explaining that this is how all good wives must act......

i got promptly reminded that she's not allowed in the brewshed, oh well.....

cheers
Yard


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## AndrewQLD (22/3/08)

Nice one Sqyre, only trouble is.... you are now redundant!

Cheers
Andrew


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## newguy (22/3/08)

Sqyre, if that was a Doppelbock then I have the perfect name for it:

*Lactator!*


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## Weizguy (22/3/08)

yardy said:


> shot myself in the foot...
> 
> just showed 'er indoors' this thread explaining that this is how all good wives must act......
> 
> ...


Mr Yard,

No brewshed. No problems!
Maybe the kitchen is no longer off-limits for brewing?


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## Ducatiboy stu (22/3/08)

Sqyre

Does this particular unit come in a postable version. As I only have a PO Box, I will need the basic version without any options like Nag v1.03, Kids v2.0, Credit card v5000.01 or Death Stare v4.0.2


:icon_cheers:


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## newguy (22/3/08)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Sqyre
> 
> Does this particular unit come in a postable version. As I only have a PO Box, I will need the basic version without any options like Nag v1.03, Kids v2.0, Credit card v5000.01 or Death Stare v4.0.2
> 
> ...



Make sure you don't get a model with the Not Tonight I Have a Headache Service Pack 3.034.


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## Adamt (22/3/08)

Sqyre: Does it come with a slot for your 3 and a half inch floppy?


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## InCider (22/3/08)

Adamt said:


> Sqyre: Does it come with a slot for your 3 and a half inch floppy?



It only needs to come with a card reader! :lol:


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## domonsura (22/3/08)

I vote for Sqyre and this post as top contender so far for the 'FUNNIEST POST OF THE YEAR' award.


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## joecast (22/3/08)

domonsura said:


> I vote for Sqyre and this post as top contender so far for the 'FUNNIEST POST OF THE YEAR' award.



im starting to think half the people on here only brew because of the great material it provides :lol: 
the beer is just a handy facilitator to the resultant posts.


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## Lobsta (22/3/08)

sqyre said:


> I'M OK!!! :beerbang:
> 
> Thankfully Mrs Sqyre has a funny bone as long as my er.... Mashpaddle.
> 
> ...



sqyre, i am holding you personally responsible for the mouthful of beer i just spat all over my computer desk. i second the vote for funiest thread of the year. - PistolPatch, try and top THIS! (oh no, ive gone and baited him now havent i?)

Lobby


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## InCider (22/3/08)

Lobsta said:


> sqyre, i am holding you personally responsible for the mouthful of beer i just spat all over my computer desk. i second the vote for funiest thread of the year. - PistolPatch, try and top THIS! (oh no, ive gone and baited him now havent i?)
> 
> Lobby




Patch is Ok mate - spoke to him last night and we laughed ourselves silly :icon_cheers: 

And I showed Mrs InCider the post too... and she said she was the Boobmaster 5000! :super: I'd guess that the new baby would agree! She still wasn't interested in brewing though..  

Now where was Archer?

InCider.


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## milpod (22/3/08)

Funniest thread I've seen on any forum for yonks B)


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## joecast (22/3/08)

InCider said:


> And I showed Mrs InCider the post too... and she said she was the Boobmaster 5000! :super:



hmm, just showed this to my wife, and all i got was the cold shoulder for my recall comment :blink:


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## SJW (22/3/08)

Thats gold. pure brew porn


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## FNQ Bunyip (23/3/08)

good on ya Renae,  

Its a good thing having the missus in the brewery, fills in the waiting time between hop additions..

great post Brucey , Brew wench and I had a great laugh.. 

cheers


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## Batz (23/3/08)

Bugger I ordered the wrong model







Batz


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## dicko (23/3/08)

No what we need is a nation wide "BULK BUY" :lol: 

I am sure if we could get that exact model vacuum sealed in nitrogen for postage, ensuring that the product when received will perform the same as the original or maybe Ross could offer them strapped together in bundles of four units and deliver them freight free to all parts of Aus.

Sqyre, have you completed the costing exercise and if so how much per unit or what discount if we go "the bundles of four" option? 

Cheers


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## winkle (23/3/08)

dicko said:


> No what we need is a nation wide "BULK BUY" :lol:
> 
> I am sure if we could get that exact model vacuum sealed in nitrogen for postage, ensuring that the product when received will perform the same as the original or maybe Ross could offer them strapped together in bundles of four units and deliver them freight free to all parts of Aus.
> 
> ...



Does that proposal include the extra seals & repair kit? :huh: 

I'd prefer a version that simply automated the cleanup


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## Slurpdog (23/3/08)

newguy said:


> Make sure you don't get a model with the Not Tonight I Have a Headache Service Pack 3.034.




Too late. I've been trying to reconfigure this model for the last 10 years no but to no avail.

However, this model can be shocked into action though the use of the "I'm packing my bags and leaving V1.02"!


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## Darren (23/3/08)

Squires,

I know what i want and its one of those mash tuns. You probably have described it before, but what is it?. Looks very neat.

cheers

Darren


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## Pumpy (23/3/08)

MRS SQYRE 5000 is a bloody treasure I will take the original any day .

Pumpy


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## Batz (23/3/08)

Rather like the 345-47A Easter Special model as well






Batz


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## InCider (23/3/08)

Batz said:


> Rather like the 345-47A Easter Special model as well
> 
> 
> View attachment 18240
> ...



Great pair of cans. And the taps aren't bad either.


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## sqyre (23/3/08)

Hmmmm... checking the warranty card for upgrade options... B) 

h34r: 
Sqyre.... :unsure:


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## InCider (23/3/08)

sqyre said:


> Hmmmm... checking the warranty card for upgrade options...
> 
> h34r:
> Sqyre.... :unsure:



It's a two year warranty Sqyre - too late to take it back to bunnings for replacement :lol: 

Upgrades are VERY costly. You'll still have to support the little fermenters when you take the upgraded model. And there is no guarantee the new one will hit the same efficiency every time. And look as the grip she has on the mash paddle - sensual! Can you take the risk that the upgrade could move the paddle like Gilly whacking a ton?

Phone beer?


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## Ducatiboy stu (23/3/08)

Batz said:


> Rather like the 345-47A Easter Special model as well
> 
> 
> View attachment 18240
> ...



This model has some rather serious problems

1. Catches and attracts viruses ( some Beta versions have in-built viruses )
2. Comes with needmormoney.now bug ( currently there is no known fix)
3. Is somewhat unstable
4. Requires more attention than Windows OS
5. Will run on other systems at will
6. Upgrades have proved very costly
7. Results will vary depending on OS
8. Advertised model may have different "Skin" and features
9. Known to exploit various firewall ports if left unchecked
10. Has been known to invite Trojans like PIMP.EXE and BTHCH.HOR


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## Adamt (23/3/08)

Its unfortunate, trading your old model in usually ends up in you losing your house and kids, and having to pay child support.


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## InCider (23/3/08)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> This model has some rather serious problems
> 
> 1. Catches and attracts viruses ( some Beta versions have in-built viruses )
> 2. Comes with needmormoney.now bug ( currently there is no known fix)
> ...



While all this is true, your makes would think you're a bloody legend! :super: 

But #5.'Will run on other systems at will' will send you paranoid and the only thing you'll be thumping will be your keyboard :lol:


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## Batz (23/3/08)

Check the fine print..."345-47A Easter Special model ..does not come with a mash paddle"

Lucky I already have one that would fit that model perfectly

Batz


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## InCider (23/3/08)

Batz said:


> Check the fine print..."345-47A Easter Special model ..does not come with a mash paddle"
> 
> Lucky I already have one that would fit that model perfectly
> 
> Batz



It'd be too tight for me :lol:


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## Ducatiboy stu (23/3/08)

I have heard that the "345-47A Easter Special model" can be upgraded via Firmware by doing the following

1. Remove Bruce.DLL
2. Install Reneafix.bat
3. Change settings of Incider.wtf
4. Remove batz.wit ( this is only required for units required to brew Hoegardens )
5. Check the ross.html file for correct auto-purchase functions


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## InCider (23/3/08)

Stu, the system is bound to crash after all the changes...


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## Adamt (23/3/08)

Damned blue screen of chest... two of them! Um...

Press any can to continue.


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## Darren (23/3/08)

Hey,

Its not just a software problem, these things are all wired wrong at the factory.

Unfortunately, market forces require that they have equal representation in anything they chose to do (even if the are only half as fast, strong or inventive).

I applaude Mrs. Squire and in now way direct my following comment to her as she has had a couple of kids but still willing to have a go at the brew. Mr. Squire, you are a lucky man.

But, how long will it be before the Prime Minister of this great country is a woman who never had the time for kids?? Why else are we here on the Earth?? (Enter manginas)

Julia Gillard, quit your whinging and do the bare minimum required to ensure a happy and prosperous future for all human kind!!!!!!!!!!

cheers

Darren


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## Screwtop (23/3/08)

:lol: Brucey, true genius

You are without doubt the first brewer to apply the "why do women have small feet" principal to brewing. Now why the rest of us haven't realised they can stand closer to the mash tun as well as the sink, is totally beyond me? The absolutely bloody obvious has been staring us in the face forever. Was it the fact that Renae was all of a sudden able to stand closer to you that caused you to make this truly groud breaking discovery? 

Besides being a genius, you are one funny prick, thanks for the giggle mate.

Screwy


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## Ducatiboy stu (23/3/08)

Sqyre..

Dont forget that if she can stand closer to you, it makes it easier to kiss..


And Kissing leads to...





Damn.....Why wont my 2 kids go to bed on time..... h34r:


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## Tony (23/3/08)

I will buy one if it comes in a blond oktoberfest type beer wench model and turns into a steak sandwhich once its cleaned out the rig!

:lol: 

Squire...... your a true AHB legend!

cheers


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## warrenlw63 (23/3/08)

Batz said:


> Rather like the 345-47A Easter Special model as well
> 
> 
> View attachment 18240
> ...



Heya Batz that's the model where you have to "pull the top two" and "fill the bottom one". :icon_drunk: 

Warren -


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## Wardhog (24/3/08)

Batz said:


> Rather like the 345-47A Easter Special model as well
> 
> 
> View attachment 18240
> ...



She looks too good to know the correct strike temperature - but then again I suspect no one would care


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## Fatgodzilla (24/3/08)

Wardhog said:


> She looks too good to know the correct strike temperature - but then again I suspect no one would care




Be careful of cheaper foreign imports that sound wonderful over the internet but are not the advertised product.


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## Weizguy (24/3/08)

Screwtop said:


> :lol: Brucey, true genius
> 
> You are without doubt the first brewer to apply the "why do women have small feet" principal to brewing. Now why the rest of us haven't realised they can stand closer to the mash tun as well as the sink, is totally beyond me? The absolutely bloody obvious has been staring us in the face forever. Was it the fact that Renae was all of a sudden able to stand closer to you that caused you to make this truly groud breaking discovery?
> 
> ...


OK Sqyre,

so I don't see the chain... Is she on a long chain or a "run" that reaches the brewshed/kitchen/bedroom (in that order)?

Or is it an electronic device that limits travel, and stuns when the range is exceeded?  

I couldn't get my dragon into the brew house, and considering the damage she did to bank accounts, I dunno if I'd want to let her near the beer.
Great thread. Keep 'em coming! :icon_chickcheers:


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## sqyre (24/3/08)

OMFG!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!?
I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!!!

See the following pics taken just moments ago....  








May God have mercy on my soul..... :blink: 

Scared and frightened, Sqyre....


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## Lobsta (24/3/08)

sqyre said:


> OMFG!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!?
> I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!!!
> 
> See the following pics taken just moments ago....
> ...



OMG BREWING MONSTER!!! GET THE PITCHFORKS AND PINT GLASSES!!!

:icon_cheers: 

Lobby


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## Jye (24/3/08)

Nice one Mrs Sqyre :beer: you know there is a case swap coming up.


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## Screwtop (24/3/08)

sqyre said:


> View attachment 18256




Geez Bruce, she's training the new addition from an early age. Archer's taking pretty close notice of what mum's doing, probably wonders if this is how she makes the bottled stuff he used to get in the softpack. 

My brewshed's a real shitmess, what's her hourly rate mate? :lol:


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## Tony (24/3/08)

Ohhhhh thats a kid in the rocker..... Ahhhhhh

I thought Squire shrunk and couldnt make it up the stairs any more.

did anyone see that movie.... honey i shrunk the kids  

cheers


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## winkle (24/3/08)

I can foresee arguments about late hop additions on the horizon


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## domonsura (24/3/08)

Ahhhh....sqyre...it was fun while it lasted, but now you're screwed and you'll never get near your prized stairway again.......has she started getting possesive yet? :lol:
OMG...I hope she doesn't take a shine to your shed/bar/doghouse...then you'll REALLY be buggered......you might have to go back and live/brew in the actual HOUSE!!!! (OOOOOOOO NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! :lol


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## Tony (24/3/08)

I see mothers meetings planned for the brew shed.

THey all bring their kids around and let them loose to destroy anything in sight.

Kids seem to have a love of blowing the airlock water back into the firmenter.

lucky you have a bar to hide out in.

cheers


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## Mitternacht Brauer (25/3/08)

Just finished my first AG . Thought I might check a few things in the brew in a bag article and have just read this whole thread . Obviously my problem lies with keeping the missus out of the brew shed . Although she's due to have number two in three days she keeps using that as an excuse . must get bigger whip ??? She'd use it on me ( not in the good way ) . :lol:


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## newguy (25/3/08)

Fast forward 15 years. One of Archer's friends sees the shed and the full kegs and asks "Does your Dad brew beer?" "No, he curls up on the floor and whimpers while Mom does."


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## InCider (25/3/08)

newguy said:


> Fast forward 15 years. One of Archer's friends sees the shed and the full kegs and asks "Does your Dad brew beer?" "No, he curls up on the floor and whimpers while Mom does."



And Dad's in the kitchen baking a cake!


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## braufrau (25/3/08)

I showed this thread to HWMBO and suggested it might inspire him to take up brewing ... he just snorted.
I did hear him holding forth on the history and properties of POR yesterday which was pretty funny.


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## Mantis (12/4/08)

Is there a model that can also clean fish, and that comes with a fishing boat attachment


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## sqyre (13/4/08)

Mantis said:


> Is there a model that can also clean fish, and that comes with a fishing boat attachment



This one doesn't come with a boat but not from lack of trying... she was going on about a cheap tinnie for sale up the road just the other day... <_< 
When we lived on the northside she would often be found with a line off Redcliffe jetty or at woody point and yes she guts/cleans/cooks her own fish.She also used to crap on about her collection of Alley reels..

I often wonder who wears the penis in this house as before the kids came along she would be either-:
Out at the drags (loves both Doorslammers and Sprint cars),

Down the pub playing in her "A" grade Darts team,
(if your ever at a case swap and she loses a few times then says "lets put some money on it just to make it interesting." ...Don't.)

or sitting dressed in her footy jersy watching the footy.( she backs whoever plays against the Broncos.)

all while i stayed at home and played computer games... :blink: 

I relise my concerns about my manliness are just silly and its just my brain playing tricks on me...
Anyway i better go... i want to finish knitting this jumper then i have some ironing to do..

Sqyre...


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## razz (13/4/08)

LOL sqyre. You and I are obviously the men in our respective households, we wear the pants because our wives say we can !


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## newguy (13/4/08)

razz said:


> LOL sqyre. You and I are obviously the men in our respective households, we wear the pants because our wives say we can !



Did your wives let you guys keep your maiden names? 

Edit: My wife saw what I wrote above and she's making post this apology. Now I'm off to garage to do some manly things in an effort to regain my manhood. Like pouting. :lol:


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## Ducatiboy stu (13/4/08)

Sqyre..


Got a funny feeling that she built the shed while you had a sook over a cup of warm milo.... :unsure:


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## Zizzle (14/4/08)

Hey Sqyre, can you park your brewbot in the shed and bugger off overseas for 6 months? 

I must admit I do like the Voice Recognition features of your brewbot.


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