# Friday Funnies



## JestersDarts (26/3/10)

There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he
heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and
slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off
his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag
down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?"
he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just
name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash,
perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only
have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the
safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen
in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes
to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff -
and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk,
forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies
the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl
incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest,
dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she
finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the
shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-
economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain
storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-
hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I
don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets -
6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside
for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim
everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down
through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine
rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the
very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4'
cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more
thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of
the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So
that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay
pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for
one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and
dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a
ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor
old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to
dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He
broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you
like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers.
I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back
sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to
stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high
diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of
astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye
could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you
can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the
tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped. .
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first, :
:
but speeding up, :
:
:
:
faster, and faster, :
:
speeding past Pluto, :
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,

the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and
dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a
throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the
most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you
survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do
it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

so you must understand...



I've been through many a hardship in my life."


----------



## bum (26/3/10)

tl;dr


----------



## Daniel.lear (26/3/10)

oh dear....


----------



## Cocko (26/3/10)

Time. back. GIVE IT!


----------



## Steve (29/3/10)

jackbeavis said:


> There was this tramp.
> 
> One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he
> heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
> ...




get fu*&^cked :lol:


----------



## Tony M (29/3/10)

Loved it jack,
Sent it to all I know!


----------



## petesbrew (30/3/10)

:lol: 
For a bad joke that wasn't bad!
And thank F##k we didn't have to scroll down at the end.


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (31/3/10)

Mmmmmmmmmmmm....


Girl drowning....
Rich mans & Limo...
10 Pounds...
Cheap Holiday on Luxury Ship.....(Oh What a Ship!!!)
Night Restrictions.....
Swimming Pool....
Proposal and Practice......
NASA diving board.....
Improbable Physics.....

................Hardship............

Frankly, I think you should have started somewhere with an explaination of the Tramps Child hood and how he ended up a tramp. <_<

PS: - There Could be a movie in this.


----------



## JestersDarts (1/4/10)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> Mmmmmmmmmmmm....
> 
> 
> Girl drowning....
> ...



Aahhhaaaa I love this joke!

glad you enjoyed it. What a ride!!!


----------



## mika (1/4/10)

Yeah... what a ride.... just like public transport <_<


----------



## JestersDarts (16/4/10)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.


----------



## JestersDarts (16/4/10)

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun..



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.. And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'


----------



## bum (16/4/10)

You know this thread already exists right?


----------



## JestersDarts (16/4/10)

nope


----------



## JestersDarts (23/4/10)

Mary had a little skirt, the slits went up the sides. And everywhere that Mary went 
the men could see her thighs. 



Mary had another skirt, the slits went up the front. And everywhere that Mary went 
Well, she actually didn't wear that one very much.

Good thing too.


----------



## JestersDarts (14/5/10)

My missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.


----------



## brettprevans (14/5/10)

bum said:


> You know this thread already exists right?


he's meaning this thread - link


----------



## JestersDarts (17/5/10)

citymorgue2 said:


> he's meaning this thread - link



Oh no!

you want me to post in that thread?


----------



## peas_and_corn (17/5/10)

Yes, seeing that it's not friday.


----------



## mkstalen (15/7/10)

Since it's almost Friday...

http://www.womansday.com/var/ezflow_site/s...r-lifestyle.jpg


----------



## earle (16/7/10)

stienberg said:


> Since it's almost Friday...
> 
> http://www.womansday.com/var/ezflow_site/s...r-lifestyle.jpg




Anyone care to post their tasting notes on this one.
Hmmm, appearance, aroma, taste, mouthfeel ......


----------



## Phoney (16/7/10)

Smells fishy


----------



## JestersDarts (16/7/10)

phoneyhuh said:


> Smells fishy



oily oyster lager?


----------



## JestersDarts (23/7/10)

*Doctor Doctor - I was doing my usual brewday yesterday, 6 hours of brewing, went really well a mate rocked up to give me a 25kg sack of grain, and I got this terrible headache*



*Its a migraine.*



***** off it is, its mine! And why have you all of a sudden started speaking Italian?*




:lol:


----------



## bum (23/7/10)

Ban.


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (25/7/10)

JestersDarts said:


> *Doctor Doctor - I was doing my usual brewday yesterday, 6 hours of brewing, went really well a mate rocked up to give me a 25kg sack of grain, and I got this terrible headache*
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Is that your own??


----------



## bum (25/7/10)

Of course it is. And he should be banned for it.


----------



## JestersDarts (26/7/10)

bum said:


> Of course it is. And he should be banned for it.



You love it!


----------



## bum (26/7/10)

That, sir, is a scurrilous accusation. I will not stand for it!


----------



## dans6401 (6/8/10)

Took my old man shopping the other day (he is 71). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."


----------



## Newbiebrewer (8/8/10)

bum said:


> That, sir, is a scurrilous accusation. I will not stand for it!



Beer bottles at 30 paces?


----------



## bum (8/8/10)




----------

