# Continuing Jokes Thread



## Bribie G (19/2/09)

Ok I'll kick off with a couple.

Did you hear about the masochist who loved to take cold showers so he didn't.

..................................................................

Paddy and Seamus had missed the last bus and were walking home at midnight, when they passed the bus depot. A window was open so Paddy hopped in to steal a bus. After much banging and crashing Paddy came back out through the window.

"We're out of luck, Seamus, there wasn't a number 153 in there"








"Bloody Idiot Paddy you could have nicked a number 180 and we could have walked from the roundabout....."


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## buttersd70 (19/2/09)

A ham sandwich walked into a bar.
The barman looked at him and shouted...
"Get out......we don't serve food in here."

Ain't nothin' like an old joke.... :lol: 

(looking frantically or the Lenny Henry song of the same name....)


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## Jase71 (19/2/09)

A baby seal walked into a club.........


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## bradsbrew (19/2/09)

Jase71 said:


> A baby seal walked into a club.........



Bloody Hell Jase, thats the first joke I thought of when I read the first post. Except I was going to do the " Two baby seals walk into a club, Boom Boom."


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## buttersd70 (19/2/09)

no, you're both wrong......

A baby seal walked into a bar, and asked for a Canadian Club on the rocks......


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## Cocko (19/2/09)

A bear walks into a bar and says...

I'l have a umm....



ummm...





um....



A bourbon and coke.


The barman says: "Why the big pause?"



Note to self: That joke doesn't type so well...


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## Tony M (19/2/09)

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'


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## Adamt (19/2/09)

Name this comic.


Three blokes walk into a pub. Well, I say three... could be four or five. Or ten, doesn't matter. Fifteen? Twenty? Fifty... let's round it up to a hundred. What about two-fifty? Double or nothing... five hundred. A thousand... madness! Five thousand... A small town in Hertfordshire walks into a pub! Fifteen thousand! Alright... the population of Rotterdam. The Hague. The whole of Northern Holland. No, mainland UK. Let's go all the way; Europe, alright? The whole of Europe goes into a pub... I say Europe, could be Eurasia... Alright, continents... North America! Plus South America. Plus Antarctica, but that's just eight blokes in a weather station... not a good example. Alright, let's make it simple. All the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? The first bloke goes up to the bar and says, "I'll get the first round."

What an idiot.


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## MarkBastard (20/2/09)

An eskimos car breaks down, so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic.

Mechanic: "Ah, here's your problem, you've blown a seal".
Eskimo (nervously): "Ah no, that's just snow in my beard".


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## chappo1970 (20/2/09)

Larry's in the hospital. Room 232



Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'. 
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?' 
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?' 
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust. 
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?' 
Well... 
One, I like to watch my money grow. 
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. 
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. 
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. 

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.


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## muckey (20/2/09)

Did you hear about poor Paddy. He's got Alcoholic constipation - He cant pass a pub!


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## buttersd70 (20/2/09)

did you hear about the constipated accountant? To start with, he couldn't budget, but he finally worked it out with a pencil...


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## .DJ. (20/2/09)

2 jumper leads walk in a bar...

Barman says "I'll serve ya... Just dont start anything!"

---------------------------

A dyslexic man walks into a bra


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## jonocarroll (20/2/09)

Jase71 said:


> A baby seal walked into a club.........


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## jonocarroll (20/2/09)

A beer related joke;

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started".

And a non-beer related joke;

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that is how the new stimulus plan will work.


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## muckey (20/2/09)

2 engineers were standing in the grounds of a university having a heated discussion about the best method of measuring the height of a flagpole.

While the 2 engineers are arguing, the groundsman comes along unbolts the flag pole, lays it down, takes out a tape measures and measures the pole, stands it back up and bolts it in place.

He then writes the measurement on a piece of paper and hands it to the engineers and walks away.

At this point 1 engineer turns to the other and says "typical tradie, we want the height and he gives us the length"


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## Jase71 (20/2/09)

I like the idea of a single thread joke post. Thanks Bribie.


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## gregb (20/2/09)

A Kiwi, an Aussie and a Pom walk into a bar. Barman looks up and says: "This is some sort of joke, right?"


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## Jase71 (20/2/09)

I was about to write this out, but Google search makes it more coherent..... so this is a copy + paste
__________________________________________________________________________

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon. 

'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said, `I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'


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## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (22/2/09)

Whats Black and White and eats like a horse.....................


V


V


V


V


V


V


A Zebra


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## yardy (22/2/09)

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse..


a man wakes up in hospital, the Doctor says _I have good news and bad_.

man: _righto, give us the bad news_

Doctor: _I have amputated both your feet

_man: _christ on a bike ! What's the bloody good news ?_

Doctor: _The gentleman in the next bed wants to buy your slippers._


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## joshlangmaid (22/2/09)

One bloke explained to another bloke that lions have sex 15 - 40 times a day!

BUGGER said the first bloke, i just joined Rotary.


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## muckey (22/2/09)

Josh Langmaid said:


> One bloke explained to another bloke that lions have sex 15 - 40 times a day!
> 
> BUGGER said the first bloke, i just joined Rotary.



wot, and apex get none at all??


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## mattcarty (22/2/09)

yardy said:


> did you hear about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse..




DNA = National Dyslexic Association


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## Pollux (22/2/09)

He then went of to sell his soul to Santa..


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## white.grant (23/2/09)

But was saved by dog


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## jonocarroll (23/2/09)

matt carty said:


> DNA = National Dyslexic Association


Old MacDonald was dyslexic... E O I O E.

....

A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. "How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean _any_ words misspelled, you are going on report!" screams the captain. 

The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly. 

"One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H." 

"That's good," thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.

"One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H." 

"I am doing great!" says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head. 

"One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L B-L-U B-O-L-L B-I-L " Finally, the frustrated cop looks around to ensure nobody is looking, then kicks the head and writes, "One head in the D-I-T-C-H."


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## petesbrew (23/2/09)

A couple are in bed asleep when there's a knock at the door in the middle of the night.
The guy gets up, fumbles his way to the door. Opens up and there's a bloke who asks "hey mate, can I have a push?"

"Bugger off, it's 2 in the morning!", the husband slams the door and goes back to bed.
His wife asks who was that, to which he replies, some bloke asking for a push.
The wife says "You slack prick! Remember that night when we were stuck in the middle of nowhere with a flat battery, and someone stopped to help? Spread some good karma!"

The guy get's up grumbling, gets dressed, and goes outside. "hey mate!" he yells, "you still needing a push?"
From the shadows, a voice replies "Oh yeah that'd be great!"

The guy looks around "Well, Where are ya?"

"Over here on the swings!"


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## Bribie G (23/2/09)

Bill Gates' little boy was coming up to his seventh birthday. Bill took him to one side and said "Son, I'm the richest man in the world and I can buy you anything you want. Have a think about it, and tomorrow you can tell me what you want for your birthday"

Touchingly, all the little boy wanted was a cowboy outfit.

So Bill bought him the Queensland Government.


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## Sully (23/2/09)

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


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## Bribie G (23/2/09)

A little lost puppy wandered in through the swing doors of a saloon in Dodge City. A drunk cowboy took out his gun and shot the poor little puppy in the foot, it ran out yelping.

Three years later the doors of the saloon banged open and there was a huge dog with a gun belt and two Colt 45s.



"Ahv'e come to get the guy that shot mah paw"


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## raven19 (25/2/09)

sorry about the capital letters...

 DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. 

WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, VIRGINIA, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY, BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!! 

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! 

THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. 

"SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS." 

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER." 

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS. 

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET." 

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!! 

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?" 

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST." 

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE... A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE REDNECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. 

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE. 

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN 'X' ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!" 

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?" 

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE 'X' ON THE TRUNK. 

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT " THE REDNECK SAYS.. 

THE FOREMAN L AUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?" 

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, 

"CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SH*T _BEHIND_ IT!"


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## bradsbrew (25/2/09)

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. 

Mick says 'how you doin?' 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are 
freezing.' 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters 
sitting on the bed . He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both 
of you '. 

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.' 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'




Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f***kin one?'


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## buttersd70 (25/2/09)

First Gay Cowboy: "Yup?"
Second Gay Cowboy: "Yep."
------------------------------------

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the
groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.
A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?"
"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip.
Out he comes.
"How's that?" he asks again more confident.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?"
.
.
.

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."


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## Jase71 (25/2/09)

BribieG said:


> Bill Gates' little boy was coming up to his seventh birthday. Bill took him to one side and said "Son, I'm the richest man in the world and I can buy you anything you want. Have a think about it, and tomorrow you can tell me what you want for your birthday"
> 
> Touchingly, all the little boy wanted was a cowboy outfit.
> 
> So Bill bought him the Queensland Government.



Ouch. Don't really get the specific reference, bu I must ask, things haven't really changed since the fall of JBP ?


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## Bribie G (25/2/09)

Jase71 said:


> Ouch. Don't really get the specific reference, bu I must ask, things haven't really changed since the fall of JBP ?


State election campaign now on, you will learn all you never wanted to know


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## Jase71 (25/2/09)

BribieG said:


> State election campaign now on, you will learn all you never wanted to know



Not really.. I live a media-free life. No TV, no newspapers, no online information, no radio.


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## glennheinzel (25/2/09)

What's brown and sticky?



A stick.


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## glennheinzel (25/2/09)

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?



I don't know either. Everytime I flick the light back on, they all scatter!


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## glennheinzel (25/2/09)

How many Freudian pyschologists does it take to change a light bulb?


Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to hold the penis... I mean... ladder.


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## Jase71 (25/2/09)

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ? 

A: Fish !


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## jayse (25/2/09)

how many aussiehomebrewers does it take to change a light bulb?

well theres a few that think they can just stand up and hold the bulb because the world revolves around them


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## Jase71 (25/2/09)

Q: How many Zakk Wylde fans does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: "What's a lightbulb?"
*
EDIT:* I think this post was actually 666 for me


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## Adamt (25/2/09)

End well, this will not.


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## Jase71 (25/2/09)

Adamt said:


> End well, this will not.



Q: How Many retarded Star Wars Fans who insist on speaking Yoda-Talk-because-they-think-it's-still-cool does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: There were no light bulbs on Dagobah.


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## jayse (25/2/09)

Jase71 said:


> Q: How many Zakk Wylde fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> A: "What's a lightbulb?"
> *
> EDIT:* I think this post was actually 666 for me



that made me laugh out loud for real!

whats the difference between a kit brewer and a brew software programm?

You only have to punch the info into the software once!


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## jayse (25/2/09)

whats the difference between a AHB member and a UZI?

A UZI stops after 50 rounds!


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## Jase71 (25/2/09)

jayse said:


> that made me laugh out loud for real!
> 
> whats the difference between a kit brewer and a brew software programm?
> 
> You only have to punch the info into the software once!



What's the difference between a human being & a Neanderthal ? 

Human beings can express themselves without pointless (or spineless) threats of violence. :lol:


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## jayse (26/2/09)

whats the difference between a AHB member and a chimpazee?

Its scientifically proven chimpazees can comunicate with humans.


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## Jase71 (26/2/09)

jayse said:


> whats the difference between a AHB member and a chimpazee?



That would be *an* AHB member......


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## Cocko (26/2/09)

[Back to the jokes]

How many Wolf Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?


None, Black Sabbath already changed it!!


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## buttersd70 (26/2/09)

How many microbiologists does it ake to change a lightbulb?
2.
One to change the bulb, and another one to claim that it's impossible to change the bulb without a PhD. He will then go on to state that retailers are trying to 'rip you off' due to the price of the bulbs, and will attempt to organise a bulk buy.......


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## Supra-Jim (26/2/09)

One Monday morning a postman is riding through a Melbourne suburb delivering the mail. 
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. 
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. 
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. 
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. 
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, 
with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'


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## raven19 (26/2/09)

*Why men should NOT write advice columns...
*
Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV.. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I
walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am
32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says
he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very
much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

------ -----

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, Terry


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## Katherine (26/2/09)

How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to change a light bulb?​ ​ ]None. A light bulb contains the seed of its' own revolution​


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## Supra-Jim (26/2/09)

Does many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two


(think about it!)


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## jonocarroll (26/2/09)

Katie said:


> How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to change a light bulb?​ ​ None. A light bulb contains the seed of its' own revolution​



Appearing on a humorous t-shirt site that pretended to close down for publicity;


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## peas_and_corn (26/2/09)

buttersd70 said:


> How many microbiologists does it ake to change a lightbulb?
> 2.
> One to change the bulb, and another one to claim that it's impossible to change the bulb without a PhD. He will then go on to state that retailers are trying to 'rip you off' due to the price of the bulbs, and will attempt to organise a bulk buy.......



You're a subtle man, Butters.


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## jonocarroll (26/2/09)

_ Is it time for the bad jokes yet?_

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Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other "Christ it's hot in here" The other sausage says "Ahhh, a talking sausage!"

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So a rabbit walks into a bar, hops up to the barman. Barman asks the rabbit "What can I get for you?" and the rabbit sees it's lunchtime and orders a toasted cheese sandwich. He goes off to his table and enjoys his lunch, waves goodbye to the barman and hops off.

Next day at lunch the rabbit comes back, remembering how good the food was. Barman asks "Toasted cheese sandwich again?" but the rabbit says "I think today I'll have some ham on it, please". He gobbles down his cheese and ham toastie and hops off.

Next day he's back again, only instead of a cheese and ham today he orders cheese and pickle, gulps it down, waves goodbye and hops off.

At the end of the week the rabbit comes back again, and he's clearly in a bad way. His fur's falling out in clumps, he's mostly blind and he can barely hop up to the barstool he's so sick. "Holy s**t!", says the barman, "what the hell happened to you?" The rabbit looks at the barman with his glazed-over eyes and coughs. "I think I must have mixed my toasties..."

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_I don't care if it's not time for bad jokes, here's one anyway..._

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Peter gets shipwrecked.

When he wakes up, he's on a beach.

The sand is purple. He can't believe it.

The sky is purple.

He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.

He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"


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## Pollux (26/2/09)

Wooooah, these are getting really bad....

Common one at work..

Why do croupiers envy female toilet seats?


The seat only has to deal with one c*** and one asshole at a time.


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## bigholty (26/2/09)

A piece of rope walks into a bar (don't ask me how long it was, the rope I mean, not the bar). The bartender yells out "Oi, out ya get! We don't serve pieces of rope in here." So the piece of rope turns around and leaves. Once outside, he bends himself around into a bit of loop, feeds one end through and tightens up a bit, then untwists a heap of strands. When he's happy he heads back into the bar. Straight away the bartender is onto him - "Hey, you're that piece of rope I just kicked out of here aren't you?" The rope replies, "No, I'm afraid not........" 

(a _frayed knot_...........get it?)


----------



## muckey (28/2/09)

A duck is standing by the side of a busy road waiting to cross.

A chicken walks past and says " I wouldn't bother mate. You'll never hear the end of it!"


----------



## buttersd70 (1/3/09)

If you want an old one, heres a _real _old one....29 years old, as it happens........gotta love mad magazine....
Raven will (maybe, if he's old enough) see the humour in this....

The Reagan (with apologies to Edgar Alan Poe).....




Once upon a cold November, back in `80, you'll remember,

Came to pass a great election, with a wondrous change in store;

By a landslide, one was winning, promising a new beginning;

Tall and proud, he stood there, grinning, like so many times before;

Who was he, this cool one, grinning, like so many times before?

'Twas The Reagan, nothing more.



Once he was inaugurated, Reaganomics he created,

Promising a balanced budget, like we had in days of yore;

"Though," he said, "our debt is growing, and a bundle we are owing,

"I'll cut taxes, 'cause I'm knowing this will save us bucks galore;"

"Please explain," a newsman asked, "how will this save us bucks galore?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Less is more."



Pushing for defense, he pleaded, brand-new missiles would be needed:

"That's the only way," he said, "to keep the country out of war;"

"True," he said, "they're not required, and they're not meant to be fired;

"In five years they'll be retired--still we must build hundreds more;"

"Tell us why," a newsman asked, "we must be building hundreds more?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Jobs galore."



Was he real or from a movie? "Make my day" sure sounded groovy,

Standing up to Congress or the rebels in El Salvador;

Flicks like "Rambo" he promoted (sev'ral times, it should be noted);

Once John Wayne he even quoted, when Kaddafi threatened war;

"Does this mean," a newsman asked, "we're heading toward a Mid-East war?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Hit the shore."



During times he wasn't dozing, many plans he was proposing,

Dealing with the deficit, which he no longer could ignore;

"Cuts," he said, "I'm recommending, pending our ascending spending,

"With attending trends suspending, then extending as before."

"Does this mean," a newsman asked, "a balanced budget like before?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Nevermore!"







Political humour at it's best.....


----------



## peas_and_corn (1/3/09)

I read that with the voice that read The Raven in The Simpsons episode (best Halloween segment ever...)


----------



## Tony M (1/3/09)

Paddy applies for a job with the local farrier.
" Paddy, have you had any experience shoeing horses?"
"No" says Paddy, "but I once told a donkey to feck off!"


----------



## raven19 (2/3/09)

Butters - being 30 yrs of age I just snuck in, but I would not have appreciated it until 20 odd years later.... but I like it nonetheless.... (note to self - change signature to quothe the Reagan!), anyway, another joke....


A woman had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One is engaged however, the other is a mistress, and of course the first married for 10+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their
partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made
love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
word, but we had wild s ex all night.

Married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask
over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?"


----------



## hoppinmad (4/3/09)

okay will do my best


:icon_offtopic: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"


----------



## geoffd (4/3/09)

:icon_offtopic: 
A woman walks into a bar with a cat under her arm...the barman says "we dont serve dogs here", the woman replies "it's not a dog". Bartender "was i talking to you?"


----------



## Swinging Beef (4/3/09)

HoppinMad said:


> :icon_offtopic: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"


:icon_offtopic: Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, werent you just in here?"


----------



## warrenlw63 (4/3/09)

A grasshopper walks into a bar and plonks himself down on the barstool.

Barkeeper pipes up and says;

"Hey, we've got a drink named after you"

To which the grasshopper replies;

"What! A drink named Kevin?... Interesting!"

boom boom.

Warren -


----------



## microbe (4/3/09)

Fortune Cookie Say...

-- Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

-- Man who run in front of car get tired.

-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. 

Cheers,

microbe


----------



## AlphaOne (6/3/09)

microbe said:


> Fortune Cookie Say...
> 
> -- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.



That is an old Bertrand Russell quote

War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left.


----------



## nate2g (7/3/09)

Gotta have a Warnie joke...

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked.

However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."!!!!


----------



## nate2g (7/3/09)

A man had great tickets for the footy Grand Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

No", he says. "The seat is empty". 

"That is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final - the biggest sporting event, and not use it?" 

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married." 

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."


----------



## Spencer (7/3/09)

This is my favourite old rodney rude joke....

rodney was on his way home after a night on the drink. He's hungry so he stops off at a burger joint. He says "I'll have two hamburgers and a hot dog". The girl behind the counter starts making the hamburgers. When she's done the burgers she puts one under each armpit. Rodney says " why did you put my hamburgers under your armpits?". And the girl says "To keep them warm". And rodney says "well..........




>>>










Forget about the Hot-Dog!!"


----------



## Pollux (10/3/09)

This is not quite deserving of it's own thread, but it made me chuckle.....

I've been doing some research on 20L plastic jerry cans this morning, came across a few suppliers and thought I'd check to see where some of the stores were.....

Was a little confused about this one....(scroll down, you'll see it)


----------



## Katherine (10/3/09)

How do you make a kilo of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it! 

he he he


----------



## haysie (10/3/09)

BeerisBetterObama


----------



## Sully (16/3/09)

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco reel and 5-kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card,says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says,'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'


----------



## Sully (20/3/09)

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.


One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.


----------



## zabond (20/3/09)

A thief breaks into a house and is searching through the draws when he hears "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"he looks around,see's nothing and keeps searching,the voice repeats "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"he looks araoun again, then notices a parrot in a cage in the corner,goes over and say's to the parrot"you talking to me?"bird replies "yes",thief laugh's and askes" whats your name?"parrot replies"MOSSES"thief say's "what FWIT names their parrot"MOSSES?"parrot replies "the same FWIT that named his ROTTWEILLER JESUS!!"


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## Sully (21/3/09)

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.


You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


----------



## raven19 (23/3/09)

Zen Teachings...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 
2.Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart. 

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it. 

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen. 

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement


15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
then things just keep getting worse. 


20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


----------



## raven19 (25/3/09)

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS
Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally
alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation. 
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


----------



## pokolbinguy (26/3/09)

We can all aspire to having a six pack like Joe.




If only they were kegs


----------



## pokolbinguy (26/3/09)




----------



## peas_and_corn (26/3/09)

pokolbinguy said:


> View attachment 25679



"a real bum deal"? He's just making it worse, isn't he?

He started pretty badly with a surname of 'cummings', then it went downhill.


----------



## Mantis (27/3/09)

Paddy says to Mick. "Ahhh Mick, de ye know why scuber divers go out of the boat backwards?"

"Ahh thats an easy one Mick, if they went forwards they would fall into the boat"


----------



## peas_and_corn (27/3/09)

My wife was eaten by a crocodile while she was watching a film starring Russell Crowe.
Gladiator?
No of course not, theres blood and guts all over the sitting room.

Ive just got back from the far east. Been looking for gold.
Japan?
No, I used a new method called hydraulic sluice mining.

I made love all night to a girl from Surrey.
Leatherhead?
Yes it is a bit tender.

So, this girl came round and we played cards
Poker?
No, frigid bitch just wanted to play cards

My wifes gone to Bournemouth.
In Dorset?
Yes, she enjoyed it very much.

My wife had an accident while hiking on a mountain!
Krakatoa?
No, she broke her leg.

Ive been in Africa, playing cards with the natives.
Zulus?
No, won every game.


----------



## jonocarroll (27/3/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> "My wife was eaten by a crocodile while she was watching a film starring Russell Crowe."
> "Gladiator?"
> "No of course not, there's blood and guts all over the sitting room."


That's it - you are no longer allowed to roll your eyes at my bad jokes. Ever.

I can't believe you left out;

"I came home and found my wife in bed with another man"
"You bitter?"
"Yup. Bit him too."


----------



## white.grant (28/3/09)

or even

"I'm heading up north for the holidays"
"What route are you taking?"
"Just the missus"


----------



## raven19 (30/3/09)

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the
next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!',
desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The
woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her,
lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers
and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt. This
shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe
again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep
swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know
Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but
that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'


----------



## raven19 (30/3/09)

> TRUE LENT
> 
> Each Friday night after work, Boudreaux would fire up his
> outdoor grill and
> cook a venison steak. But, all of Boudreaux's
> neighbors were Catholic...
> and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat
> on Friday.
> 
> 
> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
> causing such a
> problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
> to their Priest.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that he
> become a
> Catholic. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux
> attended Mass,
> and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
> "You were born a
> Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a 
> Catholic."
> 
> 
> Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until
> Friday night arrived,
> and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
> neighborhood.
> 
> The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and,
> as he rushed into
> Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to
> scold him, he stopped
> and watched in amazement. There stood Boudreaux, clutching
> a small bottle
> of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the
> grilling meat and
> chanted:
> 
> 
> "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now
> you is a catfish."


----------



## jonocarroll (30/3/09)

An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. 

Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am?" 

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" 

The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?" 

The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." 

With that, the guy said "Good!", lifted up half the stack of exams and slid his exam somewhere in the middle, then left.


----------



## white.grant (31/3/09)

Q: What happens when two snails fight?
A: They slug it out.


----------



## raven19 (1/4/09)

GOT TO PEE 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. 
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however 
They had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi 
Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to 
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought 
She would take off her panties and use them. 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive 
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave 
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she 
Proceeded to wipe with that. 

The girls then proceeded home. 

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned 
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, 


so he phoned the other husband and said: 
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. 


My wife came home with no panties!!' 

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that 
Said.. 

*From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.*


----------



## raven19 (2/4/09)

BEER - THROUGH THE EYES OF SEVEN YEAR OLDS 

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. 


Some interesting responses. 

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' 
--Mellanie, 7 years old 

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old 

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' 
--Toby, 7 years old 

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old 

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old 

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' 
--Ethan, 7 years old 

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.

--Shirley, 7 years old 


AND THE BEST RESPONSE 


'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' 
--Jack, 7 years


----------



## Katherine (2/4/09)

classic... might ask my 7 year what she thinks.


----------



## Pollux (2/4/09)

My 2 year old can open the fridge and tell the difference between beer, wine and the Smirnoff RTD things my wife drinks...

If I walk into vintage cellars she normally announces "Daddy beer, Mummy wine" as I walk in.


----------



## Pennywise (2/4/09)

Ha Ha, kids are awesome like that. I can't even leave my beer on the table anymore cause my 2YO always wants to "sheers" me. He also says "" Daddy beer, Mummy Juice"


----------



## Sully (2/4/09)

ALL PUNS INTENDED.... 


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?' 

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 
'Is it common ?' 
'Well, It's Not Unusual.' 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. 
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' 
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh. 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). 
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. 
No pun in ten did.


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## Supra-Jim (3/4/09)

Homebrewer79 said:


> Ha Ha, kids are awesome like that. I can't even leave my beer on the table anymore cause my 2YO always wants to "sheers" me. He also says "" Daddy beer, Mummy Juice"



LOL, I've got an almost 2yo who does the same. Even better at a BBQ, she will go around picking up other peoples beers and when questioned respond 'Dadda's bink (drink)'

Now that i'm done boasting about my parenting skills, back to the funnies!!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. 
Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 

'Where have ye been all this time? 
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? 
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' 

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a 
prostitute...' 

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! 
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. 
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, 
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. 
For my little brother, this gold Rolex. 
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible 
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club......(takes a 
breath) 
............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve 
on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...' 

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. 

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' 

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! 
I thought ye said a Protestant. 
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'



:icon_cheers: SJ


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## raistlin_kell (3/4/09)

Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly crashed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, " F*ckin Arse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song "Good old Collingwood Forever

* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*


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## raven19 (6/4/09)

Tree Hugger 



A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass , OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


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## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (7/4/09)

Homebrewer79 said:


> Ha Ha, kids are awesome like that. I can't even leave my beer on the table anymore cause my 2YO always wants to "sheers" me. He also says "" Daddy beer, Mummy Juice"




What with all the Govt ads about our children watching our drinking, its not supposed to be funny, but when asked what he has in his spill proof cup, my 3 YO says, "It my beer!"


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## Snow (8/4/09)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> What with all the Govt ads about our children watching our drinking, its not supposed to be funny, but when asked what he has in his spill proof cup, my 3 YO says, "It my beer!"




I know what you mean - it's not supposed to be funny.... but.... my uncle was having a homebrew of mine the other day and my 10 year-old daughter walks in and asked if she could have a sip. Uncle patronisingly asks "and what do you think of daddy's homebrew?" to which she replied "well I don't mind his American amber ale but I prefer a Belgian wit or his robust porter". Uncle's jaw drops to the floor. I kid you not. <_< 

And Chris White would be impressed with her knowledge of beer yeast propogation!

- Snow


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## Pollux (8/4/09)

Snow, that is impressive.....


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## Supra-Jim (9/4/09)

Father of the Year nomination for Snow?

:icon_cheers: SJ


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## warra48 (9/4/09)

THE HORTH WHITHPERER 

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. 
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' 
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.' 
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? 
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. 

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?


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## Bribie G (9/4/09)

Extreme sheep herding:

got me going for a while there :lol:


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## jonocarroll (9/4/09)

BribieG said:


> Extreme sheep herding:
> 
> got me going for a while there :lol:



As seen in this thread.


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## microbe (10/4/09)

Three old ladies sitting at dinner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"


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## pokolbinguy (11/4/09)

Check out this wii for the girls


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## Tony M (12/4/09)

Since its Easter----- Jesus and Moses were strolling along the beach the other day and Jesus said to Moses " Do you think you can still part the ocean?"
Moses said he'd give it a try and held out his staff and sure enough, the ocean rolled aside leaving a dry sandy bed.
Moses said to Jesus "Do you think you can still walk on water?" and Jesus said he'd give it a try.
He took about a dozen steps out to sea then began to sink. He struggled back to shore, flopped down on the beach and said "Bugger it, I just haven't been able to manage that trick since I got those holes in my feet!!"


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## raven19 (14/4/09)

<H2 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!</H2>1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.

5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell..

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead



<H2 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.</H2>13. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."

15. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

18. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

19. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

21. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

23. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .."

24. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

AND THE WINNER IS....

28. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."


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## raven19 (14/4/09)




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## raven19 (24/4/09)

Priest's Retirement Dinner 

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. 
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. As the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral :  Never, Never, Never Be Late


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## raven19 (24/4/09)

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, .......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own f.ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .....................he farted. 

The End


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## raven19 (24/4/09)

Don't you wish that sometimes it was this simple...


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## Katherine (24/4/09)

This is my favourite joke... 

A man walks into a bar in London and asks the bartender for a Pint of Rat... The bar tender goes down to the cellar with a club and hits the rat over the head and puts him in a pint glass. The man takes a sip and say's "wow this is the best pint of rat I have ever had" So he returns night after night for his pint of rat.

One day the man comes running in, he is off to the theatre so he asks for a half... So the bar tender a little confused goes down to the cellar with a knife and puts half the rat in the glass. Takes it back to the man at the bar. The man takes a sip and spits it out all over the bar... The bartender asks him "you didnt like" The man replied "That was crap it had no head on it"

boom boom....


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## Zwickel (24/4/09)

before I was married, I didnt know what happiness is...
now its too late...


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## raven19 (28/4/09)

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. 

A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ??? 

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'


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## jonocarroll (28/4/09)

raven19 said:


> Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.


A man shows up to a fancy dress party completely naked, carrying a woman on his back.

The host asks - "what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a turtle."

"Well who's that on your back then?"

"... That's Michelle." (say it out loud).


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## raven19 (28/4/09)

QuantumBrewer said:


> A man shows up to a fancy dress party completely naked, carrying a woman on his back.



Two men show up to a 'dress up as an emotion' party completely naked except one has his penis in a pear, the other has his penis in a bowl of custard.

'And what are you two suppose to be?' enquires the host at the front door...

'Well,' says the first man 'Im f**kin disgusted', and the other say 'Im deep in dis-pair!'


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## antains (28/4/09)

raven19 said:


> ... a glass jar on his penis.






raven19 said:


> ... his penis in a pear, ... his penis in a bowl of custard.



Is it a big book of penis jokes you use?
Or do fancy dress jokes involve a lot of nudity?

Actually, come to think of it, Rodney Rude had a joke along those lines.

A bald bloke turns up at a fancy dress party wearing a pink skivvy.

"what are you supposed to be?" asks the host.

"A circumcision."


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## jonocarroll (28/4/09)

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy-dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy-dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head, so he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple."


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## jonocarroll (28/4/09)

Zwickel said:


> before I was married, I didnt know what happiness is...
> now its too late...


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks upfrom is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' "I remember that, too" she replied softly. 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today.


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## petesbrew (28/4/09)

QuantumBrewer said:


> A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy-dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy-dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
> 
> A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head, so he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
> 
> The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple."



i just choked on my lunch. :lol:


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## raven19 (30/4/09)

*PRESS RELEASE:*

*RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE*

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car,

The Clitaurus.


The car comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash.


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## antains (30/4/09)

raven19 said:


> *PRESS RELEASE:*
> 
> *RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE*
> 
> ...



Will I be able to find it in a car park? :lol:


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## raven19 (4/5/09)

Ponderisms



I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.



Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant..



The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.



Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.



There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.



Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?



Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.



All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"



Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?



Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


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## raven19 (4/5/09)

Political Correctness


*Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see
something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term:

This year's term was "Political Correctness."



The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret*


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## antains (4/5/09)

I just found out my 4-year-old niece has a gambling problem.


She's too young.


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## raven19 (5/5/09)

THE BATHTUB TEST
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to
empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


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## warra48 (5/5/09)

For those of us who are golf nuts:

I am writing the next book on golf.

Highlights include;

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever


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## raven19 (7/5/09)

Donald Duck and daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have s*x with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have s*x.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. 

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, I'll suffocate


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## bum (7/5/09)

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


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## raven19 (12/5/09)

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 



He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. 



In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' 

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 



'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 



'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 



'But, where did you get the tools?' 



'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired i t to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' 



The guy is stunned. 



'Let's row over to my place,' she says. 



After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. 



As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 



'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 



'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' 



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.' 



No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 



'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 



'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' 



She stares into his eyes ... 





He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... 





Dont tell me you've got Sky Sports?'


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (15/5/09)

Fact...

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!!


----------



## glaab (15/5/09)

Whats the difference between a BMW and a pile of half eaten dead babies?



V


V


V

There's no BMW in my garage!


----------



## raven19 (18/5/09)

*The Meaty Bites Diet
*
I've got 4 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly bitch... why else would I buy dog food??


----------



## pokolbinguy (18/5/09)

Only in China......

Below is a photo taken by a friend in China of a stone wall being built which when built is then rendered.....to look like stone.


----------



## antains (18/5/09)

raven19 said:


> *The Meaty Bites Diet
> *



Please, oh, please let that be a true story. :icon_cheers:


----------



## fraser_john (18/5/09)

antains said:


> Please, oh, please let that be a true story. :icon_cheers:



+1 please oh please, funny as


----------



## Adamt (18/5/09)

raven19 said:


> I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.



OH LAWD, that is pure gold.


----------



## raven19 (22/5/09)

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 

'OK old man, time for you to retire.' 
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle 
ALL of these chickens. 
Look what it has done to me 
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' 
The young rooster says, 
'Beat it: You are washed up 
And I am taking over.' 
The old rooster says, 
'I tell yo u what , young stud. 
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. 
So, just to be fair, 
I will give you a head start.' 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. 

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch 
When he sees the roosters running by. 
The Old Rooster is squawking 
And running as hard as he can. 
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - 
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 

Third gay rooster I bought this month.' 
Moral of this 
Story? 
Don't mess with the OLDER GENERATION 
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!


----------



## raven19 (22/5/09)

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left -phone a friend Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick.
'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.
'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!!!


----------



## raven19 (22/5/09)

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. 

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. 

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."


----------



## atkinsonr (22/5/09)




----------



## raven19 (25/5/09)

Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'


----------



## raven19 (25/5/09)

A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel in High River for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. 

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal"? 

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'


----------



## raven19 (26/5/09)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road- side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating

grass?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my

house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.







"The grass is almost a foot high"


----------



## raven19 (27/5/09)

Tarzan & Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his
life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,
"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the
crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."


----------



## warra48 (27/5/09)

antains said:


> Will I be able to find it in a car park? :lol:



Only if it's parked in the G spot.


----------



## antains (27/5/09)

warra48 said:


> Only if it's parked in the G spot.



It took a while, but that reply was worth the wait. :beer:


----------



## raven19 (5/6/09)

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Connor, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My mum told me this story about my Aunty Susan. Aunty Susan was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your mother tell you from that horrible story?' 
 
'Stay the f* ck away from Aunty Susan when she's been on the piss.


----------



## raven19 (5/6/09)

In the spirit of the swine flu...


 The Big Bad Wolf said Ill huff and Ill puff and Ill blow your house down 


The little pig says F*** off or Ill sneeze on you


----------



## raven19 (5/6/09)

Little Bruce 
Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin Arabs!..."


----------



## Snow (5/6/09)

This bear goes into a beef and burgundy bar, goes up to the bar, says to the bartender give me a beer. 

The bartender looks at the bear and says sorry, we dont serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar. 

The bear, fuming, wildly waves his big hairy arms around and biffs a bystander, turns back to the bartender and snarls to the bartender in a menacing tone I said give me a beer!. 

The bartender coolly responds Im sorry we dont serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar who biff bystanders. 

Now the bears really pissed off and he leans over the bar and bops the bartender on the top of his head and growls loudly give me a beer, right now, or else!. 

The bartender frowns, rubbing the top of his head and declares I am sorry, we do not serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar who biff bystanders, and bop the bartender. 

Now the bear freaks out. He goes nuts, roaring, saliva flying from his bared teeth, as he bends down and bites this big bit out of the bar. The bear spits it out, and roars you give me a goddamn beer right goddamn now!. 

The bartender slowly shakes his head and says Im sorry sir, we dont serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar who biff bystanders, bop bartenders and take drugs. 

The bear does a double take and, perplexed, says to the bartender what do you mean take drugs??. The bartender responds 



................




wait for it............




....................




what about that barbituate?.

:lol:


----------



## Zwickel (7/6/09)

Barry works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and fishes every Saturday.

His wife, Betty, thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bazz! How ya doin, mate?'

Betty is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Barry. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Barry if he'd like his usual and brings over a Merlot.

Betty is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Merlot ?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the Fishing Club.

I always have a Merlot when we get in from end of fishing, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Barry, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Baz. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Betty, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Barry follows and spots her getting into a cab...

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Barry tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Baz, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Barry's funeral will be on Friday.

No flowers. Donations to the Fishing Club please.


----------



## raven19 (9/6/09)

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'


----------



## glaab (9/6/09)

there once was a vampire called mabel,
whose periods were getting unstable,
when she saw a full moon, she got out a spoon,
and drunk herself under the table!


----------



## raven19 (10/6/09)

URGENT - check the symptoms for swine flu 

*list of the symptoms for swine flu..* : 


In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family
may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the
symptoms associated with this disease. 

1) Sore throat
2) Slight headache
3) Moderate to high temperature
4) Nausea or upset stomach
5) An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud


----------



## raven19 (12/6/09)

Wives...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same

thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous


----------



## Zwickel (16/6/09)

An Englishman wanted to become a New Zealander, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be a Kiwi and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

 :lol:


----------



## glaab (16/6/09)

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Bunnings Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th.

Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Cunno's has wallets on sale $2.99 each


----------



## raven19 (22/6/09)

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them . 

Mum said . YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your knickers

Susie said I know they do "that's why I hide them in my bag"!!


----------



## raven19 (22/6/09)

Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of Tooheys and sticks them into the trolley. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on special, only $30 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on Shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks It into the trolley. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says 

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF TOOHEYS AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'


----------



## raven19 (22/6/09)

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, 

 they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. 

 Grumpy leads the pack. 



 "Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" 



 Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf 

 nuns in Rome?" 



 The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment 

 and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." 



 In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. 



 Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. 



 Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all 

 of Europe?" 



 The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 

 "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe. 



 "This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. 



 Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry 

 glare.  



 Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns 

 anywhere in the world?" 



 The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my 

 son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." 



 The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, 

 pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin 

 chanting...... 

 "Grumpy shagged a penguin!" 

 "Grumpy shagged a penguin!"


----------



## brettprevans (23/6/09)

Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... 

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. 

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. 

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. 

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. 

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.' 

'My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' 

The little girl replied, 'I will if those ars*holes at Bunnings ever deliver the f*cking Gyprock...' 


Now substitute the construction workers for brewers and bunnings for a LHBS.
little girl replies: 'I will if those ars*holes at the LHBS ever deliver the f*cking grain and yeast'.


----------



## raven19 (24/6/09)

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'


----------



## warra48 (24/6/09)

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."


----------



## staggalee (25/6/09)

http://www.mp3.com.au/Track.asp?id=10231

stagga.


----------



## joshlangmaid (25/6/09)

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part 
of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring 
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and 
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's 
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried 
with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with 
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth 
in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first 
with both hands, th en an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between 
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open


----------



## Zwickel (27/6/09)

I try to translate....

a man said to hes wife: bet youre not able to make me happy and sad at the same time with only one sentence

immediately she responded: you have the biggest Willy within the whole neighborhood  :icon_chickcheers:


----------



## raven19 (1/7/09)

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college

graduation.



Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke

up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though

none of them can remember what they did the night before.



The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she

has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Trinity Bible College

and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the

innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately

fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.



The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words..

I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power

of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. They throw the switch

and again nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees,

beg for forgiveness and release her.



The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, Well, Im

from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical

Engineering, an Ill tell ya right now, yall aint gonna electrocute nobody if dont

plug this thing in.


----------



## raven19 (1/7/09)

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE 



Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. 



They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for a new 



zippy little car which is called the "Clitaurus". 



The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers. 



Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option. 





It's recommended as a woman's car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.


----------



## antains (2/7/09)

raven19 said:


> RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I approve of the improvements, but you told that one already <_<


----------



## raven19 (2/7/09)

Whoops! Good memory, I have posted a few on this thread... didnt mean to repeat it!


----------



## Snow (2/7/09)

antains said:


> I approve of the improvements, but you told that one already <_<



......I can't find it! :lol: 

Cheers - Snow


----------



## antains (2/7/09)

raven19 said:


> Whoops! Good memory, I have posted a few on this thread... didnt mean to repeat it!



It's good work that you do, too. :icon_cheers: My memory is my curse. 



Snow said:


> ......I can't find it! :lol:
> 
> Cheers - Snow



It exists, I assure you. I read about it.


----------



## Sully (5/7/09)

A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

So he stayed home............
.........and, they lived happily ever after.


----------



## warra48 (10/7/09)

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 
Love you, 
Vinnie


----------



## sudsmcduff (13/7/09)

A drunk man walks out of a pub and sees a nun at the end of the street, he walks up to her and punches her in the face and as she goes down he kicks her in the guts then leans down to her and sez not so tough now are we bat man. :icon_cheers:


----------



## sudsmcduff (13/7/09)

three mice siting around talking abought how tough they are. When one sez i can get the cheese out of the mouse trap without setting off the mouse trap, the other sez well i can get the cheese out of the fridge without opening the door, the last sez screw this im gonna go f**k the cat :lol:


----------



## Sully (13/7/09)

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked. 


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 


'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 


'Just watch' he said. 


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. 


His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. 


Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 


'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'


----------



## bum (13/7/09)

Did you make them up yourself, mactain?


----------



## sudsmcduff (14/7/09)

actualy my mum told me the mouse one and mate told me the nun one


----------



## petesbrew (14/7/09)

mactain said:


> actualy my mum told me the mouse one and mate told me the nun one


Actually the correct answer would've been "I heard em from ya mum, bum!" :icon_chickcheers:


----------



## Maple (17/7/09)

Not a bad video showing the good (if not great) effects of particular ingredients in beer has on... well just watch it - at home.
NSFW - without earphones


----------



## raven19 (20/7/09)

THE BEER AND ICE CREAM DIET (Also called Thermodynamics to the Rescue)
A little technical - but keep reading
===============================================


OK....here's the ultimate diet for you
Beer and Ice Cream fans


As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram
of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful
terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert
(generally consisting of water in large part), the
natural processes which raise the consumed dessert
to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally
sucks the calories out of the only available source:
your body fat.


For example, a dessert served and eaten at near
0 degrees C(32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be
raised to the normal body temperature of37 degrees C
(98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that
process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law,
6,216 calories(1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's
temperature is normalized.


Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert,
the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.


Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,
the better off you are and the faster you will lose
weight, if that is your goal.


This process works equally well when drinking very
cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer
contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories
(6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss
per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.


It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate
that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are
extracted from the body in the process of drinking
a can of beer.


Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more
beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them
(i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm
to further raise them to body temperature. The results
here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.


Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to
drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served
above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.


But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a
lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with
large bowls of ice cream.


----------



## Adamt (20/7/09)

Or the astute reader will realise that 1 Calorie (the unit used to quote for foods) is 1,000 calories. 1 Calorie is the energy required to heat 1kg of water by 1C. But I will chuckle along and keep the vibe of this thread going!


----------



## raven19 (20/7/09)

Brain of Britain Genuine Answers from quiz shows and radio phone-ins.

*UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)*​​Jeremy Paxman: 
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? 
Contestant: 
Homosexuals. 
Jeremy Paxman: 
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you 

*
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)*​Jamie Theakston: 
Where do you think Cambridge University is? 
Contestant: 
Geography isn't my strong point. 
Jamie Theakston: 
There's a clue in the title. 
Contestant: 
Leicester 

*
BBC NORFOLK*​Stewart White: 
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? 
Contestant: 
I don't know. 
Stewart White: 
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? 
Contestant: 
Arm 
Stewart White: 
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...? 
Contestant: 
Strong. 
Stewart White: 
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? 
Contestant: 
Louis 
Stewart White: 
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? 
Contestant: 
Frank Sinatra? 

*LATE SHOW (BBC **MIDLANDS**)*​Alex Trelinski: 
What is the capital of Italy ? 
Contestant: 
France. 
Trelinski: 
France is another country. Try again. 
Contestant: 
Oh, um, Benidorm. 
Trelinski: 
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? 
Contestant: 
Sorry, I don't know. 
Trelinski: 
Just guess a country then. 
Contestant: 
Paris. 

*THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)*​Anne Robinson: 
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? 
Contestant: 
The Conservative Party. 

*BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )*​DJ Mark : 
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? 
Ruth from Rowley Regis: 
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? 

*UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE*​Bamber Gascoyne: 
What was Gandhi's first name? 
Contestant: 
Goosey? 

*GWR FM ( Bristol )*​Presenter: 
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ? 
Contestant: 
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. 

*PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?* *MANCHESTER**)*​Phil: 
What's 11 squared? 
Contestant: 
I don't know. 
Phil: 
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. 
Contestant: 
Is it five? 

*RICHARD AND JUDY*​Richard: 
Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman? 
Contestant: 
Forrest Gump. 

*RICHARD AND JUDY*​Richard: 
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? 
Contestant: 
Er. .. .. 
Richard: 
He makes bread . . . 
Contestant: 
Er . .... 
Richard: 
He makes cakes . . . 
Contestant: 
Kipling Street? 

*LINCS FM PHONE-IN*​Presenter: 
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? 
Contestant: 
Barcelona. 
Presenter: 
I was really after the name of a country. 
Contestant: 
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain . 

*NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)*​Question: 
What is the world's largest continent? 
Contestant: 
The Pacific. 

*ROCK FM ( PRESTON )*​Presenter: 
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. 
Contestant: 
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 

*THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)*​Steve Le Fevre: 
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? 
Contestant: 
Magna Carta? 

*JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)*​James O'Brien: 
How many kings of England have been called Henry? 
Contestant: 
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three? 

*
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )*​Chris Searle: 
In which European country isMount Etna? 
Caller: 
Japan. 
Chris Searle: 
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. 
Caller: 
Er ...... Mexico ? 

*PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )*​Paul Wappat: 
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast? 
Contestant (long pause): 
Fourteen days. 

*DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)*​Daryl Denham: 
In which country would you spend shekels? 
Contestant: 
Holland? 
Daryl Denham: 
Try the next letter of the alphabet. 
Contestant: 
Iceland? Ireland ? 
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) 
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? 
Contestant: 
No. 

*PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)*​Phil Wood: 
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? 
Contestant: 
Er. ... .. 
Phil Wood: 
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . 
Contestant: 
Blimey? 
Phil Wood: 
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .. 
Contestant: 
(Silence) 
Phil Wood: 
OK, try it another way. Tod ay I run, yesterday I . .. . 
Contestant: 
Walked? 

*THE VAULT*​Melanie Sykes: 
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? 
Contestant: 
Nostalgia. 

*LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)*​Presenter: 
What religion was Guy Fawkes? 
Contestant: 
Jewish. 
Presenter: 
That's close enough. 

*STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)*​Wright: 
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? 
Contestant: 
Jesus.


----------



## raven19 (22/7/09)

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. 

Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. 



One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better 
and better to the lonely Kiwi. 
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. 
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her 
and he slowly nursed her back to health. 

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. 

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. 
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'


----------



## bum (22/7/09)

The quiz show one is good for a giggle.


----------



## raven19 (27/7/09)

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too'. Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. The guy eventually calms down and says: 'Make 'em all ugly again.'


----------



## raven19 (27/7/09)

*The l**3**sbians next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday. *
*Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me* *when I said I wanna watch.*


----------



## raven19 (27/7/09)

*These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words:
*
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


----------



## stillscottish (27/7/09)

Did you hear the one about four drunks and a broken garage door opener? h34r:


----------



## buttersd70 (27/7/09)

How does a woman hold her liquor?


By the ears. h34r:


----------



## Ivan Other One (29/7/09)

Q; Which food lowers a womans sex drive by about 90%?

A; Wedding cake.


----------



## Cocko (31/7/09)

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House.
It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ......"our investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".


----------



## jonocarroll (31/7/09)

Cocko said:


> The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".


I believe that's the joke that got Kochie in hot water, albeit with the names updated. I have a feeling that joke existed with Clinton's name also.

Slightly less funny without Therese's name I guess.


----------



## peas_and_corn (31/7/09)

Nothing Koshie has ever said has been funny.


...well actually, I think he once claimed to actually know something.


----------



## spog (31/7/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> Nothing Koshie has ever said has been funny.
> 
> 
> ...well actually, I think he once claimed to actually know something.



+1


----------



## jonocarroll (31/7/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> Nothing Koshie has ever said has been funny.
> 
> 
> ...well actually, I think he once claimed to actually know something.


I never claimed it was.

Actually, his on-air labelling of his co-host as an alcoholic day-in, day-out is rather funny, if for no other reason but the fact that the co-host has a plastered on smile 100% of the time, and has to sit still and take it.

(caveat: I haven't watched this show in years, perhaps he isn't as blatant as this anymore?)

On a lighter note:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A woman stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." 

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum ."


----------



## Phoney (1/8/09)

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Bunnings customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. 

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this next weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.


----------



## Ivan Other One (4/8/09)

Archiologists have discovered that there were gay and lesbien dinosours,,,

The Meggasorass and the Lickaloto'puss!!


----------



## mika (4/8/09)

Dinosours more bitter than your regular Dinosaurs ? :huh:


----------



## bum (4/8/09)

You'd be bitter too if your name was so blatantly homophobic.


----------



## Renegade (4/8/09)

....athough it should be noted that the earliest forms of proto-English language were likely an expansion of a Germanic 6th century language (or earlier, but not by much). Therefore the dinosaur age (200+ million years ago) would have observed no such personal complex as to the modern-English homosexual connotation.


----------



## bum (4/8/09)

Homophobia has nothing to do with homosexuals. Therefore my point stands (and I have bicycles on my feet).


----------



## Renegade (4/8/09)

Due for extinction, or just quietly circling the barren plain ?

I've never met a man with bicycles on his feet before.


----------



## raven19 (5/8/09)

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


----------



## raven19 (6/8/09)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 
____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 

forgot?

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. 

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it? 

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess. 

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you

like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? 

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, 

wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? 

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 

practicing law.


----------



## peas_and_corn (6/8/09)

Some of those answers are slightly different from other emails with those questions in them.


----------



## raven19 (6/8/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> Some of those answers are slightly different from other emails with those questions in them.



I just pass it on for others to enjoy, I take no responsibility... I just hope its not repeated by me or others from an earlier post?  

If so whoops again...


----------



## razz (7/8/09)

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura.'


----------



## Katherine (7/8/09)

What has 16 legs and 14 balls and whistles through the forrest?????





















Snow White and the 7 dwarfs


----------



## antains (7/8/09)

There are 10 types of people in the world. 


Those who understand binary and those who don't.


----------



## WarmBeer (7/8/09)

antains said:


> There are 10 types of people in the world.
> 
> 
> Those who understand binary and those who don't.


If we're going to get nerdy here, prepare to be out-nerded...


----------



## jonocarroll (7/8/09)

WarmBeer said:


> If we're going to get nerdy here, prepare to be out-nerded...


</restraint>

_An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.







_The Sex Life of an Electron

by Eddie Currents

One night when his charge was pretty high, Mirco-Farad decided to seek
out a cute little coil to help his discharge.

He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They
rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a Magnetic field with
flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.

Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had
her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minumum.
He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency, and
lowered her reluctance.

With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it
in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short
circuiting her resisitance shut while quickly raising her thermal
conductance level to mill-spec. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled
"OHM...OHM...OHM!"

With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating
with his currently flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her
shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly
discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.

They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets until his
magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.

After wards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids,
and, with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of
the evening reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.







... your move, WarmBeer.


----------



## WarmBeer (7/8/09)

QuantumBrewer said:


> </restraint>
> 
> [snip]
> 
> ... your move, WarmBeer.



Ummm, I believe your xml is not well-formed.

Boo-ya!!! Right back atcha


----------



## jonocarroll (7/8/09)

WarmBeer said:


> Ummm, I believe your xml is not well-formed.
> 
> Boo-ya!!! Right back atcha


yeah, but <restraint /> just implies lack of content, not the ending of my restraint.








:lol:


----------



## chappo1970 (7/8/09)

:lol: 

It's like watching a game of chess... POINTLESS!


----------



## antains (7/8/09)

In posting the binary joke, I knew I would draw one of the nerds. I didn't expect I would hook both!  

Funny, funny stuff.


----------



## WarmBeer (7/8/09)

You got me with the LOL Cats, awww they so cute! :lol: 

It's like the Chewbacca Defense, impossible to argue against, so I must graciously bow out of the one-up-nerdship.

Besides, it's just gone beer'o'clock, there's drinkin to be done.

So long, and thanks for all the laffs.


----------



## jonocarroll (7/8/09)

Chappo said:


> :lol:
> 
> It's like watching a game of chess... POINTLESS!


----------



## peas_and_corn (7/8/09)

Ahh yes, the comic that spurned a thousand theme park ejections.


----------



## jonocarroll (7/8/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> Ahh yes, the comic that spurned a thousand theme part ejections.


 :blink: 

Had to read that twice. Ahem. Typo.


----------



## peas_and_corn (7/8/09)

Cheerfully corrected.


----------



## jonocarroll (7/8/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> Ahh yes, the comic that spurned a thousand theme part ejections.


http://xkcd.com/chesscoaster/

Gotta love the Jenga one!


----------



## leiothrix (9/8/09)

antains said:


> There are 10 types of people in the world.
> 
> 
> Those who understand binary and those who don't.



There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that mistake it for binary h34r:


----------



## antains (9/8/09)

leiothrix said:


> There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that mistake it for binary h34r:



Damn you. Now I've learnt something.


----------



## Sully (9/8/09)

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pull a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"
Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."
Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"
Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little. 
Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and cookies. 
Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"
The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Laughing, Gramps replies: "HELL Yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The little boy replies: "Then go f--k yourself! Grandma made these for me!"


----------



## Sully (9/8/09)

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. 

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.. They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


----------



## antains (10/8/09)

[I thought about changing this for the Australian context, but I know we've got some international members.

Replace ASDA with whatever the latest cheap food chain is. Replace Celtic with Collingwood or whatever is the current bogan club. Replace Castlemilk with Moe, Frankston or whatever the crappiest 'burb is.]


A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?' 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the f**k would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?' 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been sh*gg*d twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'


----------



## petesbrew (10/8/09)

QuantumBrewer said:


>


Absolutely pissed myself over that one!


----------



## raven19 (12/8/09)

Thought for the day...

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


----------



## raven19 (12/8/09)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same

thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous


----------



## churchy (14/8/09)

Whats black and white and looks like a horse!!!!!!!




A zebra




A dwarf had his pockets picked, in the media release it said how could someone stoop so low.


----------



## Cocko (14/8/09)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. 

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." 

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" 

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. 

"Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece.

Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. 


And she doesn't even have a penis!"


----------



## lydiaraven (16/8/09)

Hiya, this seems rather fitting as a first post, so here ya go:

What's the definition of gross?

.... A guy waking up with a lump in his throat...... and it has a string attached....

Bwahahahahaha!

LydiaRaven :super:


----------



## Cocko (16/8/09)

lydiaraven said:


> Hiya, this seems rather fitting as a first post, so here ya go:
> 
> What's the definition of gross?
> 
> ...



Oh dear.. LR...

It would seem we will get along fine but Hmm..

HAHA.


----------



## lydiaraven (16/8/09)

Cocko said:


> Oh dear.. LR...
> 
> It would seem we will get along fine but Hmm..
> 
> HAHA.



Got to break the ice somehow!  hee hee


----------



## raven19 (20/8/09)

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. 

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?' 

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?' 

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine... 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?' 

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.' 

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! 

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?' 

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.' 

The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age?' 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..'


----------



## raven19 (24/8/09)

The Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t*ts like yours , she seems to appear out of nowhere."


----------



## brettprevans (25/8/09)

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
hold onto your nuts this is going to be one hell of a blow job!


----------



## brettprevans (25/8/09)




----------



## peas_and_corn (25/8/09)

Is that from the new sketch show? If so, then it's clearly as crap as I feared.


----------



## brettprevans (25/8/09)

peas_and_corn said:


> Is that from the new sketch show? If so, then it's clearly as crap as I feared.


no idea. got send the link. skit shows are dead. they are terrible now a days. ast funny skits was Chopper send ups. but then that got old also.


----------



## Ivan Other One (25/8/09)

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. 
I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."


----------



## raven19 (27/8/09)

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' 



The entire congregation rose to their feet and said, 'Amen'.


----------



## razz (27/8/09)

This ones dedicated to all the girls on AHB! (no offence)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'


----------



## Katherine (27/8/09)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## razz (27/8/09)

I thought that one would make you laugh Katie.


----------



## raven19 (28/8/09)

When men were really men...........and considerate too!!!!!!!!


----------



## QldKev (28/8/09)

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.


They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'


The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.


After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.



The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'


----------



## raven19 (31/8/09)

The Blondes Password

Ever wonder how blondes remember their passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the 
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 
characters long.


----------



## Ivan Other One (31/8/09)

The Maid 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Zimbabwean maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her 
about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Mary, why do you want a pay increase?
Mary: 'Well, Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Mary: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Mary: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Mary: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Mary: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Mary: 'No Madam,...the gardener did.'


Wife: 'So how much do you want?'


----------



## Maple (7/9/09)

Maybe not so much a joke, but funny stuff here and here


----------



## Sully (11/9/09)

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says 

'I've had enough of this'.

He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, 

'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'

Paddy says 

'I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !'


----------



## Katherine (18/9/09)

Oldie but still a goodie!! 





THE WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... 



It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. 



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' 



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. 



Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## pokolbinguy (18/9/09)

This is hilarious


----------



## raven19 (21/9/09)

> > LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
> >
> > A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger
> > turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if
> > you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'
> >
> > The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
> > the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
> >
> > 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
> > smiles..
> >
> > OK, 'she said.. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a
> > question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -,
> > yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
> > a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
> >
> > The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
> > about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
> >
> > To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
> > nuclear power when you don't know shit?
> >
> > She then opened her book.


----------



## porky (25/9/09)

This is how the fight started.......


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started....
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>
> And then the fight started......
>
>
> *****************************************
>
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds..'
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some
place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started


----------



## raven19 (26/9/09)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.


----------



## raven19 (26/9/09)

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' 

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'


----------



## Mitternacht Brauer (3/10/09)

Soooo Friendly :icon_drool2:


----------



## QldKev (6/10/09)

The trip to Bunnings 


I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of 
action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed 
a massive quantity of my patented Road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the 

point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you 

eat it, the next day both of Your butt cheeks WILL fall off. 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of 
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's 
Movement 2'. Despite Habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was 
unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder 
and lightning. 

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I 
bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to 
refinish the den. 


Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and 
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at 
the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. 

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm 
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong 
time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from 
the night before were staging a revolt. 

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small 
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in 
the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. 
The peppers fired a warning shot. 

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in 
a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to 
move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my 
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red 
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction 
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn 
in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of 
you at least will be able to relate. 

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he 
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that 
all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there 
blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry 
bees. 


This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. 
BIG Mistake!!!!! 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', 
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst 
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in 
other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing 
off a shotgun. 

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off 
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole 
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. 

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the 
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is 
burning SO BAD, purging. 


One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true 
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 
'Son of a gun!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly 
left. 

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart 
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 
'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some 
prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans 
on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' 

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape 
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, 
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning 
moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises 
and asked none too kindly not to return 

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat 
but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at 
Woolies. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole 
matter.


----------



## brettprevans (7/10/09)

QldKev said:


> The trip to Bunnings


im sitting at work pissing myself at this. why is it that blokes find farts etc so funny. great stuff


----------



## raven19 (9/10/09)

Doctor's Office Receptionist

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong 
and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. 

<H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. 
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said,
'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today? 
''There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 
The receptionist became irritated and said,'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' </H1>'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said?
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' 
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes? 
''There's something wrong with my ear', he stated. 
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 



'I can't piss out of it', he replied. 
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


----------



## mash head (12/10/09)

An Australian was in a bar and couldnt help over hearing a Frenchman and a Latino man discussing how they pleasure their partners in bed.

The Frenchman told how he would massage his lover with essential oils by candle light before making passoinate love to her for half an hour and when they were both sattisfied she would float 1 foot above the bed.

The latino man said this is nothing my friend. I pleasure my lover with my tounge until she can handle no more, then we make mad passinate love for an hour. When I am done she floats 2 foot above the bed.

The Australian just laughed and said thats nothin mates. I get home crack a beer jump the missus, 2 minutes later get off and wipe my dick on the curtains and she fucken hits the roof. :lol:


----------



## raven19 (13/10/09)

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Sydney he asked her, "What did you steal?" 
She replied, "A can of peaches." 

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. 
And my husband wont give me extra money. 
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. 
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a packet of hundred and thousands"


----------



## brettprevans (14/10/09)

pregnancy

when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say 'congratulations'....
but why dont any of them come over and rub your penis and say 'well done' ?


----------



## brettprevans (14/10/09)




----------



## QldKev (16/10/09)

citymorgue2 said:


> pregnancy
> 
> when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say 'congratulations'....
> but why dont any of them come over and rub your penis and say 'well done' ?




ROFLMAO :super: 

QldKev


----------



## raven19 (16/10/09)

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! 

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus! 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. 

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?" 

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!" 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. 

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" 

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! 

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! 

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. 

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. 

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. 

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy. 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. 

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on" 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. 

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?" 

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!" 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common? 

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not 

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 



Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like 

mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. 

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?" 

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!" 


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


----------



## bum (16/10/09)

I find that post very racialist.


----------



## raven19 (22/10/09)

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde
A golden retriever

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 
20 kgs. 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

Why do men want to marry virgins? 
They can't stand criticism. 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in grade 7. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? 
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?' 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.<

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' 
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'


----------



## raven19 (26/10/09)

Two chimps and a Blonde 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..' 
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.' 

*'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.*


----------



## raven19 (26/10/09)

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load
a sack full of cash.


On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor
in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was
plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand
and said, *"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."*


----------



## raven19 (2/11/09)

Why Parents Drink 



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' _Hello_ ? '


'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' _Yes_ ,' whispered the small voice. 

May I talk with him?' 

The child whispered, '_ No_ .'



Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' '_ Yes_ '



'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '_ No_ '


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 

'_ Yes_ , ' whispered the child, '_ a policeman_ . '


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 

'_ No, he's busy_ , ' whispered the child.


'Busy doing what?'

'_ Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman_ , ' came the whispered answer. 


Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'_ A helicopter_ ' answered the whispering voice.



'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 



' _The search team just landed a helicopter_ '


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 

'_ ME_ . '


----------



## raven19 (2/11/09)

Black Testicles 

A male patient is lying in bed 

in the hospital, 

wearing an oxygen mask over his 

mouth and nose, 

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure 

A young student nurse appears to give him a 

partial sponge bath. 

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my 

testicles black?' 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 

'I don't know,Sir. 

I'm only here to wash 

your upper body.' 

He struggles to ask again, 

'Nurse, are my 

testicles black?' 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, 

she overcomes her 

embarrassment and sheepishly 

pulls back the covers. 

She raises his gown, holds his 

penis in one hand and his 

testicles in the other, 

lifting and moving them 

around and around gently. 

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong 

with them, Sir !!' 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, 

smiles at her and 

says very slowly, 

'Thank you very much. That was 

wonderful, but listen 

very, very closely..... 

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'


----------



## raven19 (2/11/09)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. 

FOR EXAMPLE: 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' 

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.. 

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' 

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all 
Dear, let's go to the cashier.' 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' 

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.


----------



## raven19 (2/11/09)

Another funny story from the email... written by a woman.... (not me!)

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.


----------



## RobH (3/11/09)

We used to own a sausage dog, the poor thing, he had no legs. We named him "Cigarette" cos every night we would take him out for a drag.
:lol:


----------



## raven19 (3/11/09)

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a 
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For 
Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog 
is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador 
retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk 
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told 
the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to 
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no 
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But 
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting 
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at 
the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious 
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings 
and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of 
puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants 
for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him 
so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.


----------



## RobH (4/11/09)

Confucius say:

If you can't find the book you want,
You are probably shopping at the.....


----------



## Ivan Other One (5/11/09)

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called *Justin *and the other called *Kristian.*

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten'. 

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' 

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

He found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

'Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,And I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'...............

..*'I've found Cod. I'm a** Prawn again Kristian'*


----------



## raven19 (9/11/09)

Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.


----------



## raven19 (12/11/09)

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. Pants! Its a trap!

25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought .


----------



## raven19 (12/11/09)

> It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife 

> are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes 

> about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

> 

> News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his 

> wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be 

> distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!

> 

> She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has 

> happened, I'm really stumped"

> 

> "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she 

> will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk 

> out on a relationship like this"

> 

> After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever 

> consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if 

> we called her Heather.

> 

> It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to 

> the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, 

> and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have 

> a leg to stand on.

> 

> Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may 

> have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying 

> to get her leg over".

> 

> Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the 

> cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get 

> home at night and find her legless"

> 

> Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present 

> that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new 

> prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

> 

> A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate 

> "I'm stuffed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says 

> "try Paul McCartney"

> 

> Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

> 

> I lay upon a grassy bank

> My hands were all a quiver

> I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

> 

> 

> These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now 

> she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can 

> fill her shoe.

>


----------



## raven19 (12/11/09)

*Gotta love the Irish
*
Six retired Irishmen are playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500.00 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
The other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone
got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion Is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500.00, and is
Afraid to come Home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.


----------



## RobH (12/11/09)

*FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: *

*1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
Who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
Laugh. 

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
And who doesn't lie to you. 

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
And who likes to be with you. *
*
5. It's very, very important that these four women
Do not know each other.*


----------



## Ivan Other One (14/11/09)

So, this man was on his honeymoon and every day at 5am he got up and went fishing. He fished all day long on a charter boat and did not get home until well after dark.

One day the skipper was so ovecome with curiosity he asked the man, why on your honeymoon do you not stay in bed with your wife, why come fishing?

The man answered, well she has gonorrea!

The skipper said, oh, well, what about getting a head job?

The man said, I would but she has Pyroea!

The skipper said, ahh, I see, but hey, what about going the mud track and take her from behind?

The man said, she has diorreah, no way m8!

The skipper said, man, you have got me confused, why the heck did you marry her?


The man said, well, she has worms and I just LOVE fishing!!!




And how did she contract all this?????

She once went fishing with a whole bunch of blokes,
And came home with a red snapper!!!


----------



## raven19 (16/11/09)

I have seen this before with different names, so not sure its true, but worth a giggle.



THE BEST Put Down LINE EVER 




For those that don't know him, *Major General Peter Cosgrove *is an 'Australian treasure!' 

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. 


Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. 

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! 

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. 

It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. 



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



*The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.*


----------



## raven19 (16/11/09)

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) 
__________________________________________________ 



> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). 

> 

> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) 

> Aepends how much you've been drinking. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q:I want to walk from Perthto Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden) 

> 

> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? ( UK) 

> A: What did your last slave die of? 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
>  Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA ) 

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe... 
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not 
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA ) 

> 

> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
_________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK ) 
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do... 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q:Can you send me the ViennaBoys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) 

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is 
> Oh forget it. Sure, the ViennaBoys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK ) 
> A: You are a British politician, right? 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) 

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. 
> Milk is illegal. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Qlease send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) 

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. 
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA ) 

> 

> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. 
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) 

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 
__________________________________________________ 

> Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France ) 

> 

> A: Only at Christmas. 
__________________________________________________ 
> 
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) 

> 

> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


----------



## raven19 (16/11/09)

A man was sunbathing [email protected] at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. 
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."


He raised an eyebrow and replied, 
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."


----------



## raven19 (16/11/09)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. 

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." 

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." 

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


----------



## raven19 (18/11/09)

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: 


Dear Abby, 
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? 



 Dear Abby, 

 What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? 



Dear Abby, 
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. 




Dear Abby, 
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. 



Dear Abby, 
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. 




Dear Abby, 

 Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 


Dear Abby, 
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?




 Dear Abby, 

 My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. 



Dear Abby, 
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. 





Dear Abby, 

 My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause. 



Dear Abby, 

 You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?


----------



## QldKev (19/11/09)

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill her!!



The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.



Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



This gun is loaded with blanks she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.


----------



## raven19 (20/11/09)

*The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:
* 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. 

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this... 

Yep. I know you will...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."


----------



## roverfj1200 (20/11/09)

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
Pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red Wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it
on
Her bre*asts.
' Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have
white Wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.

Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me much Lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
her Muff.......

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
Furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!'


----------



## raven19 (25/11/09)

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. 

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'


----------



## zabond (26/11/09)

An american TV show called 'STUMP THE PROFFESOR'where if the prof couldnt give the meaning to a word you won a trip to disneyland
a young aussie got up and said"GARN" the prof thought then said spell it,G A R N said the young man
the prof said I dont know,but if you put it into a sentence you win
young man said "GARN GET F#@%ED"
The tv studio went into meltdown and went off the air
board meeting decided to cotinue with show but no smart young australian members in audience
next show an old man stands up and says "SMEE" prof says spell it-S M E E says the old man
prof again says "dont know but if you put it in a sentence you win
the old man jumps up pulls off a false wig and beard and says"its SMEE again GARN GET F#@%ED"


----------



## drireech (26/11/09)

> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and

> family values.

> Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

> Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

> 

> ---------------------------------------------------------

> A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my

> intelligence come from?'

> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,

> cause I still have mine.'

> 

> ---------------------------------------------------------

> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court

> Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

> 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

> then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

> 

> ---------------------------------------------------------

> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

> the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

> 'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

> 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

> 

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

> been living with for the last 40 years.

> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

> were used to put the curse on you.'

> The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

> 

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

> 1. The DNA all matches..

> 2. There are no dental records.

> 

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll

> take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

> The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

> 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

> 

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

> 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

> 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

> 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

> 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

> 

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

> Joe: 'Really?'

> Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

> 

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

> him how he is feeling..

> 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in

> surgery,' he answered.

> 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

> 'Oops!'

> 

> ------------------------------------------------------------

> 

> 

> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive

> clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied

> by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's

> there.'


----------



## raven19 (2/12/09)

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! 



Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! 



(For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the worlds top 10, Australia has 5. )



I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed my bottle of *Bundaberg rum* and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with *two* frogs in his mouth.


----------



## raven19 (16/12/09)

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Parramatta Immigration Offices in Macquarie Street . 



'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Sydney, Australia with your wife and seven children.' 


The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Somalia where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'


The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.


The refugee claimant now got bolder.



'I need a big house with a three car garage in Castle Hill with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here. 


PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling in ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. 



I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'


PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a greasy Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.


'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet ****- ALL like the rest of us.'

And she disappeared!


----------



## Zwickel (17/12/09)

A Bavarian was castaway on a small island in the Pacific. After a long time boring life there, a fairy appeared to him and said: I've been told to grant you two wishes, just tell me what youd like most.

The Bavarian didnt hesitate and answered: Id like to have a barrel of beer that never would run empty.

Bing, the man got a barrel of beer and henceforth he was happy drinking hes beer every day.

A couple of month later the fairy appeared again and said: man, you still have one wish left, what would you like to get right now.

The Bavarian scratched hes head and said: that barrel of beer that never runs empty was the best idea I ever had, please Id like to have one more of it. :icon_chickcheers:


----------



## bradsbrew (20/12/09)

During a recent audit by Internode, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney".

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to

contain at least 8 characters and one capital.


----------



## raven19 (22/12/09)

Read the text that goes with it.

(Safe to view at work).

http://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.htmlhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/150644902...lhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.htmlhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.html


----------



## petesbrew (23/12/09)

raven19 said:


> Read the text that goes with it.
> 
> (Safe to view at work).
> 
> http://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.htmlhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/150644902...lhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.htmlhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.html


 :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pollux (23/12/09)

I laughed my arse off at this....


Brother's Ultimate Revenge

Just be warned, adult themes and some naughty words, don't read in front of the kids...


----------



## bum (23/12/09)

"I ♥ facebook like you ♥ cock."

Gold.


----------



## raven19 (13/1/10)

What A Coincidence! 



 > A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and 

 ordered a glass of champagne... 

 > 

 > The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of 

 champagne, too!' 

 > 

 > 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... 

 I am celebrating' 

 > 

 > 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the 

 woman. 

 > 

 > 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man 

 asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 

 > 

 > 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my 

 gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 

 > 

 > 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years 

 all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized 

 eggs.' 

 > 

 > 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 

 > 

 > 'I used a different cock,' he replied. 

 > 

 > The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


----------



## raven19 (13/1/10)

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house: 
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy... 

New AIDS awareness slogan: 
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women. 

Why is sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again... 

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed. 

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME! 

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later 

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell! 

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!




Anagrams 
*PRESBYTERIAN*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
BEST IN PRAYER* 
*ASTRONOMER*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
MOON STARER* 
*DESPERATION*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
A ROPE ENDS IT* 
*THE EYES*: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE ​GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 
*
THE MORSE CODE*:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 
*DORMITORY*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
DIRTY ROOM* *

SLOT MACHINES*:
When you rearrange the letters: *
CASH LOST IN ME* 
*
ANIMOSITY*:
When you rearrange the letters:*
IS NO AMITY* 
*
ELECTION RESULTS*:
When you rearrange the letters: *
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT* 
*
SNOOZE ALARMS*: 
When you rearrange the letters: *
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S* 
*A DECIMAL POINT*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
I'M A DOT IN PLACE* 
*THE EARTHQUAKES*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
THAT QUEER SHAKE* 
*ELEVEN PLUS TWO*: 
When you rearrange the letters:*
TWELVE PLUS ONE* 
*
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:* *

MOTHER-IN-LAW*:
When you rearrange the letters: *
WOMAN HITLER*​


----------



## peas_and_corn (13/1/10)

raven19 said:


> Read the text that goes with it.
> 
> (Safe to view at work).
> 
> http://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.htmlhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/150644902...lhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.htmlhttp://albany.craigslist.org/ele/1506449023.html





Gold! Here's the text of the page-



> This posting has expired.
> (The title on the listings page will be removed in just a few minutes.)




...wait, what?


----------



## pokolbinguy (13/1/10)

peas_and_corn said:


> Gold! Here's the text of the page-
> 
> 
> ...wait, what?




From memory the gist of it was a guy was selling a big screen tv (lcd/plasma) for dirt cheap...like $20....because his mate who he had gotten to look after his house while away on holiday had played a nice little prank on him while he was away....knowing that images left on pause for an extended period of time would eventually "burn" into the screen he left an image of "Gay porn" on the screen....leaving behind a permanently burnt image of a mans penis on the screen.


----------



## peas_and_corn (13/1/10)

lol, nice!


----------



## Zwickel (13/1/10)

*Three Kick Rule'*

A city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


 :lol:


----------



## antains (13/1/10)

pokolbinguy said:


> From memory the gist of it was a guy was selling a big screen tv (lcd/plasma) for dirt cheap...like $20....because his mate who he had gotten to look after his house while away on holiday had played a nice little prank on him while he was away....knowing that images left on pause for an extended period of time would eventually "burn" into the screen he left an image of "Gay porn" on the screen....leaving behind a permanently burnt image of a mans penis on the screen.



Apparently, the story behind it was that the guy who owned the tv owed the other guy months of rent, so burn-in was considered a suitable revenge.


----------



## Pollux (13/1/10)

Here's another link to the same thing...


----------



## raven19 (14/1/10)

A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.



The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says

"Hey! We got a drink named after you!"



The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says, 



"You got a drink named Steve?"


----------



## raven19 (14/1/10)

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other:

'You man the guns, i'll drive'


----------



## raven19 (15/1/10)

Three Couples Camping 



Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" 

Peter woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." 

"How come?" 

"To have s*x! I just woke up with the biggest er*ction I've ever had in my life!" 

After a pause, Peter said, "Do you want me to come with you?" 

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" 

"Because that's my d*ck you're holding."


----------



## stew.w (17/1/10)

have a look at this idiot

http://www.epicfail.com/2010/01/08/deadlift-fail/

love how his mate laughs at him


----------



## Adamt (17/1/10)

Aaaaaaaahahaha someone forgot to breathe.


----------



## dans6401 (19/1/10)

Maybe not a joke a such but still funny-

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISH MAN
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in
Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset 
from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

> September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living 
in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun- 
worshipper.

> September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I
love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get 
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps 
the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

> October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% 
of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got 
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

> October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left 
for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after 
work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag 
and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and 
cat sh*t. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

> October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f*ckin' blow dryer. 
And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and 
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs 
to order parts from f*ckin' Perth.

> October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived 
for the f*ckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three 
nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why 
the hell did I ever come here?

> November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the 
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it 
feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.

> November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going 
to f*ckin' throttle him. F*ckin' heat! By the time I get to work, 
the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f*ckin' 
wet and I smell like baked cat!

> November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black 
leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin' arse 
was on fire.. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs 
of my legs and my f*ckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, 
fried arse and baked cat!

> November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a f*ckin' recording. Hot and 
sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f*ckin' sunny! It's been too hot to 
do anything for two f*ckin' months and the weatherman says it might 
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin'  
place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms 
might just dry up and blow into the f*ckin' pool. The only things 
that thrive in this hell-hole are the f*ckin' flies. You don't dare 
open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f*ckers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f*ckin' degrees today. Now the air 
conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and 
said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid 
f*cker. F*ckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented f*ckin' idiot 
would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are f*ckin' kidding!


----------



## Zwickel (20/1/10)

Exactly the same text as the story of "A Pom in Mt. Isa"


----------



## Leigh (20/1/10)

Zwickel said:


> Exactly the same text as the story of "A Pom in Mt. Isa"



...even down to the "got burnt YESTERDAy and missed 3 days of work"...oops

F***in' funny though!


----------



## Zwickel (22/1/10)

Leigh said:


> ...even down to the "got burnt YESTERDAy and missed 3 days of work"...oops
> 
> F***in' funny though!



hahahaha.....now I got it, didnt realized it at first :lol:


----------



## Steve (22/1/10)

An oldy but a goody:

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers
"your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
"give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word
of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord
and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from "give us
this
day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily coffee."
Please consider it."



And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Tip Top account."


Cheers
Steve


----------



## warra48 (22/1/10)

Japanese Hotel Service ...

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan. 
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.' 
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. 
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. 
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20'. 
Why not?' thought the salesman. 
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. 
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. 
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need when they are away from Their Wives ... 50 Cents.' 
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. 
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. 
Fifteen seconds later it shut off. 
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..


----------



## Steve (22/1/10)

:lol:


----------



## raven19 (22/1/10)

A bloke's on a short holiday, driving around the outback of Queensland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down old bush house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. Curious, he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog, "Ginger", is in the yard out the back.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees an unremarkable looking Blue Heeler sitting there.

'Can you talk, Ginger?' he asks, not expecting a response. 


'Yep,' the dog replies. 


After the bloke recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story, pooch?'. The Blue Heeler looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to contribute to public safety, so I told ASIO. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one reckoned a dog would be eavesdropping.' 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight straight years. But the jetting around really knackered me, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Cairns airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a load of medals.' 'I got married, had a heaps of puppies, and now I'm just retired and back home.' 

The bloke's astounded. He rushes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the owner replies.

'Ten dollars? Ginger's incredible! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that. 

................................................................................
...................................................... 



Weather Forecasting the Australian way. 


It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was an elder in modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. 

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' 

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold'. 

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter? 

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter'. 

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? He asked. 



'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 



'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. 



The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Abbos in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.' 

................................................................................
.................................................................................
............... 



*THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION*​




In the beginning God created day and night. 
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach . . .​



And BBQ's . . .​




He created night 
for going prawning . . . sleeping and . . . 

BBQ's 


and God saw that it was good.​




On the Second Day, God created water. . . 
for surfing 


swimming, 



and BBQ's on the beach, 

and God saw that it was good.​




On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants 
to provide malt and yeast for beer 
​



and wood for BBQs 
and God saw that it was good​



On the Fourth Day God created animals​





and crustaceans 

chops, sausages, steak 




and prawns for BBQ's 


and God saw that it was good.​




On the Fifth day God created a Bloke 

to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, 
drink the beer . . . 
and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's 

and God saw that it was good. ​



On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely 
and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat . . . 
and stand around the barbie with. 

So God created Mates, 


and God saw that they were good Blokes, 
and God saw that it was good.​




On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, 
heard the hiss of opening beer cans . . . 
and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. 
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns 

and God Saw that it was good ....​




. . . Well . . . 
Almost good​



He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up . . . 
and needed a rest.​



So God created Sheilas 


to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, 
to cook and to clean the Barbie, 
and sometimes . . . 

companionship 
(a root) 

. . . and *THEN* God saw that it was not just good . . .​




It was better than that, it was *Bloody Awesome*!​




*IT WAS AUSTRALIA* 
​


----------



## raven19 (27/1/10)

Roping A Deer------- ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! ) Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end wit h my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. My rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and th at deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is no t like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you c an't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying ther e crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.


----------



## Zwickel (29/1/10)

Two men were talking to eachother.

One said. "have you heard, there is a new pub in town, a really nice one. You may sit on the bar, drinking sparkling wine, have a nice talk to other customers, can get a meal, drinking more sparkling wine and so on. They even have rooms where you can make love to others and you dont need to pay anything, not at all. Everything is for free. You even can get a little money when you are leaving. Isnt that amazing?"

The other man replied: "wonderful, have you been there already?"

No, said the first one, me not, but my wife has been there


----------



## warra48 (29/1/10)

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS 

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from
Typing the wrong email address!!!! 



A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!


----------



## altstart (30/1/10)

Subject: Important Newsflash

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." 
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?" 
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, Essex, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".


----------



## Steve (2/2/10)

Two fat blokes sat in a pub. One finishes his pint and says: Your round. The other says so are you ya fat bastard!


----------



## raven19 (3/2/10)

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" 



"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" 

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: 

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." 







"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.."







"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had s*x. You have to take care of that problem." 







The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" 



"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." 



As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the [email protected] tequila?!" 



He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!



Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! 



Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


----------



## antains (3/2/10)

For some reason, I forgot I was reading the jokes thread and thought it was legitimate brain-teaser. I just wasn't sure how he was going to get the dog to have s*x with the old lady.


----------



## Stove (3/2/10)

My 2 all-time favourite jokes:

q: What's green and eats meat?
a: Syphilis


Little Red Riding Hood is carrying her little basket of goodies, and skipping through the forest on the way to Granny's House, when out from behind the trees jumps the Big Bad Wolf.
"Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, pull down your red britches, I'm going to f**k you!" he menaces.

Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a 357 Magnum, cocks it and points it at the Big bad Wolf and says:
"No you don't, you bastard, you're going to eat me just like the story says."



Oldies but goodies (in a sick sort of way )


----------



## mccuaigm (3/2/10)

Robbo & Stevo are at the bar havin' a few

Robbo turns to Stevo & asks: How's the new missus?

Stevo replies: Not too sure, haven't spoken to her for a coupla months

Robbo: Oh, why's that mate?

Stevo: Didn't want to interrupt her


----------



## superdave (5/2/10)

Hopefully this one hasn't been covered before (guess I should include the site I stole it from link

Locally Produced, Foreign Label Beer
A Crown Lager used to be enough to make the bogan look sophisticated. The golden microphone was in the right hand whenever a birthday speech, awards speech, or other special occasion occurred. Crown was first released to the Australian public to commemorate the Queens visit in 1954, allowing the bogans ancestors to seem more classy for Her Highness. But globalisation (and, perhaps, republicanism) has meant that the new bogan needs more. It now wants to communicate its national sophistication by drinking beers from other countries.

Initially, the two main local brewers (Fosters and Lion Nathan) were fearful. If the new bogan didnt want to drink local beers as much, how would they make money? After much hand-wringing and whiteboard scribbling, an answer appeared. The approach was made: Dear European brewery, can we please get permission to make beer in Australia, pay you so we can put your label on it, and sell it to our bogans? If the price was right, the answer was often Yes. Or Ja!, as it were.

And so it happened. Soon the shelves of the local bottle shop were seeing more Carlsberg, Becks, Stella Artois, and Heineken than ever before. And cheaper than it previously was, too. Now the new bogan could get his hands on a slab of European beer for under $45, and gain all of the credibility that a slender green bottle could confer. New bogan males wanted to be him, bogan females wanted to be with him. One night he was trying to pick up at a backpackers bar, and his international style caught the eye of a German girl. He bought her a stylish beer, which she spat out on the first sip, exclaiming Zis is not Becks! Correct analysis, Gretchen, the primary thing it has in common with the original product is the logo. The bogan looked at Gretchen quizzically, wondering whether she was having trouble reading the English alphabet.

Meanwhile, Fosters and Lion Nathan were laughing all the way to the bank. European beers were generally sold in 330ml bottles instead of the Aussie standard 375ml. This effectively meant that theyd moved from selling 375ml slabs of locally made beer for $35, to selling 330ml slabs of locally made beer for $45. The licence fees only took up a small slice of this massive bogan windfall. But the new bogan is blissfully happy. He is now a man of the world, even when not wearing his Bintang singlet.


----------



## Sully (5/2/10)

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. 
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.


----------



## raven19 (5/2/10)

<H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">*Cemetary Quotes...
*
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York : </H1><H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.</H1>=============================

<H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:</H1>Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no 
place to go. 
============================= 
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in 
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia : 
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.. Only The 
Good Die Young.. 
============================= 
In a London , England cemetery: 
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid 
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 
============================= 
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery: 
Anna Wallace 
The children of Israel wanted bread, And 
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace 
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. 
=============================== 
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery: 
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him 
for not rising.. 
=============================== 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery: 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. 
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. 
============================== 
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery: 
Here lays The Kid. 
We planted him raw. 
He was quick on the trigger 
But slow on the draw. 
================================ 
A lawyer's epitaph in England : 
Sir John Strange. 
Here lies an honest lawyer, 
and that is Strange. 
================================= 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, 
England , cemetery: 
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, 
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. 
================================== 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England : 
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went 
out of tune. 
================================== 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , 
Vermont : 



Here lies the body of our Anna, 
Done to death by a banana. 
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, 
But the skin of the thing that made her go. 
================================== 
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , 
Massachusetts : 
Under the sod and under the trees, 
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. 
He is not here, there's only the pod. 
Pease shelled out and went to God. 
================================== 
In a cemetery in England : 
Remember man, as you walk by, 
As you are now, so once was I 
As I am now, so shall you be.. 
Remember this and follow me. 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 
To follow you I'll not consent. 
Until I know which way you went


----------



## warra48 (6/2/10)

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ..... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex


----------



## raven19 (9/2/10)

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken


----------



## raven19 (9/2/10)

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out 

a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she 
wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very 
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.


----------



## Steve (18/2/10)

raven19 said:


> Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out
> 
> a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
> 
> ...



:lol:


----------



## raven19 (19/2/10)

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. 

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". 

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. 

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. 

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods, 

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven" 

Tiger: "Why is that?" 

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary" 

Tiger: "You're a day late."


----------



## Ivan Other One (21/2/10)

*A bloke is 73 years old and loves to fish.*
*He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'*​*He looked around and couldn't see any one.. *
*He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'*​*He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.*​*The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'*​*The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.*
*I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'*​*The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.*​*The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'*​*He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'*​
*With age comes wisdom.*​__________________


----------



## raven19 (22/2/10)

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. 

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. 


As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' 



The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. 
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' 

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.



The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. 
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. 
Just then, her pager began to emit a

beep, beep, beep. 
The little boy yells out, 

'Run for your life, she's backing up!!


----------



## raven19 (22/2/10)

Dracula and the Nuns...

> Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
> Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
> 
> "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" 
> 
> "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. 
> Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
> 
> "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
> 
> "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .
> 
> Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
> Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
> 
> "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
> 
> "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. 
> 
> "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
> 
> She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the windshield! "


----------



## raven19 (22/2/10)

The Milky Bar kid grown up...???


----------



## peas_and_corn (22/2/10)

I like how they're using an actor to play the Milky Bar Kid now.


----------



## antains (22/2/10)

raven19 said:


> Dracula and the Nuns...
> 
> > Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
> > Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
> ...


I don't know if it's because it's one of the few jokes I can retell, but this is one of my favourite jokes of all time.


----------



## goomboogo (23/2/10)

raven19 said:


> The Milky Bar kid grown up...???
> 
> 
> View attachment 35903



One's all artificial ingredients. The other one is mainly dairy products.


----------



## Maple (4/3/10)

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following
Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"


----------



## brettprevans (4/3/10)

warning - bad joke disclaimer.


I got fired on the first day of my job working in a soup kitchen for the homeless, but I cant understadn why.
at the end of the day the people were taking so long and I really wanted to go. all i said is that they could hurry up as a some of us have homes to go to.....


4 blokes in a prison cell. a guy into beastiality, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a gay
the beastilality guys says "if there was a cat in here I'd f*k the shit out of it"
the sadist says "once your done id torture it to death"
the necrophiliac sighs" oh and once your done, i'd f*k it until i passed out"
the gay guys in the corner very softly says "meow"


----------



## raven19 (4/3/10)

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?" 

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, 

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down 

'why'? The worker yelled back, 


"Cos his wife's here with his lunch" ​


----------



## raven19 (5/3/10)

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...



Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

 she told her husband that she had slept over at a

 friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

 friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

 told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

 house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

 Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


----------



## raven19 (26/3/10)

POOR KID

An Arab's royal son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a
letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like
it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive at school in my Mercedes SLR McLaren,
when all my teachers travel by train." 

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar
cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too !"


----------



## warra48 (29/3/10)

Gidday dingos, Kia Ora you fullahs!
Three Aussies and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis. "Watch and learn, mate," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, the Kiwis buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.

"Watch and learn, mate." answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. 
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."


----------



## raven19 (6/4/10)

*The Shredder*

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. 

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

 "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. 

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." 

* Lesson: *
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.


----------



## Zwickel (10/4/10)

An American in Aussieland:

An Aussie bloke was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when the American, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "of course, mate!"

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia ."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Aussie replied, "yeah mate, of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said "Why of course we do." The Aussie leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"'We throw them away, of course!" said the American.

Now it was the Aussie's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"


----------



## Maple (13/4/10)

NSFW - almost though.


----------



## Ivan Other One (22/4/10)

There was a very drunk bloke staggering home. He took a short cut through a chicken farm and fell into the feed trough, and was pecked almost to death.
He thought he was ten foot tall and poulet proof!


----------



## raven19 (22/4/10)

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

​An elderly gentleman.... 

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' 

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 

​Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' 

​An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 




​ 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 

​Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure..' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?' 

​A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!' 

​Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' 

​Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

​One more. . ...! 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## Adamt (22/4/10)

A couple of weeks ago, Carl Williams' Dad dropped in to see his son.

After a brief chat, Mr Williams told Carl: "Jeez you're getting fatter and fatter!"

...

"An exercise bike wouldn't kill ya."


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## JestersDarts (23/4/10)

Q. Whats the difference between a normal themometer and a rectal thermometer?

A. The taste


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## raven19 (23/4/10)

Melbourne Storm... so it begins 

Q. What's the difference between the Storm and a triangle?
A. A triangle has three points 


Q. What has twenty-six legs but can't climb a ladder? 
A. Melbourne Storm! 

For sale: 1 x Storm outfit - boots, shorts, shirt. Doesnt include a cap! 

Have you heard of the newest Melbourne Storm Masterchef challenge?... how to cook the books... 

"Mum used to give me my lunch in a brown paper bag, so I didn't think it was an issue when I got my salary in one?" Billy Slater.


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## raven19 (29/4/10)

SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT DURING THE STORM



Q. What's the difference between Melbourne Storm and a toothpick?

A. A toothpick has 2 points



"Forecast for NRL Season. Fine and Sunny with no chance of Storm."



A Melbourne supporter phones the Storm Head Office. " What merchandise have you got?" 

Salesperson says, "We've got jerseys, shirts, shorts and scarfs but we havn't had a Cap for 5 years."



"Just bought a Melbourne Storm Dinner Set and it's missing two cups."



Cam Smith, "Craig, how the hell are we supposed to go out and play competively each week knowing we won't get the two points." 

Craig Bellamy, "I don't know, I'll speak to Ricky Stuart and Ivan Henjak."



Q. What's the difference between Melbourne Storm and Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain? 

A. No difference - they've both been fkd up the **** by a Ledger.



Former Storm CEO and now sacked Melbourne Rebels Rugby Union boss, Wally Waldron will make a guest appearance on Masterchef next week to cook the books.



David Gallop hit the Storm harder than Greg Inglis hit his girlfriend.



Channel Nine have just announced their next crime series. Underbellamy - the tale of two books.


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## raven19 (6/5/10)

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN 


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki 

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you 

Might have. Could you tell us what it is?" 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." 

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" 

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"


----------



## Ivan Other One (10/5/10)

Q; What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
A; You can drop her off wherever you like.


----------



## raven19 (12/5/10)

Okay all you English grammar teachers time to groan!

For lovers of words (Lexophiles)

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

17. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

20. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

24. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

25. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

26. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

27. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

28. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

29. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

30. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

31. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

32. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

33. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

34. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

35. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

36. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

37. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

38. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

39. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

40. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.


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## raven19 (14/5/10)

The Polite way to Pee



 During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

 Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

 The teacher responded by saying, that would be rude and impolite.



What about you Sherman, how would you say it? 

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'



 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.



Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'



'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'





The teacher fainted.


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## raven19 (14/5/10)

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices. 


'My good man,' the fairy said, 

'I've been told by Kevin Rudd to grant you three wishes, since youve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.' 



The man told the fairy: 
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' 

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and 
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'. 



The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder. 

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here. 

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music. 

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. 

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.' 



PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Wheres my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said 
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, 
you're entitled to 
sweet FA like the rest of us. 

And she disappeared.


----------



## raven19 (19/5/10)

Only an Aussie

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

 This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

 Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

 The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."


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## raven19 (20/5/10)

The Power of Alcohol.


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. 

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink  for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" 

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out. 

The bar goes wild. The father crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" 
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. 

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. 

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. 

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,




*





* 



" He should've quit while he was a head!"


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## MarkBastard (20/5/10)

HAhahahahahaha thats gold


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## petesbrew (21/5/10)

I just love scrolling down for the punchline.
It just makes the joke so much more awesome.


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## JestersDarts (21/5/10)

petesbrew said:


> I just love scrolling down for the punchline.
> It just makes the joke so much more awesome.



Like when after the punchlines of jokes, there is something along the lines of

"the husband returns from hospital next week"
"The husband gets his stitches out in a month"
"She remained speechless for 10 minutes"
"the husband fainted"

*cringe*


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## petesbrew (21/5/10)

JestersDarts said:


> Like when after the punchlines of jokes, there is something along the lines of
> 
> "the husband returns from hospital next week"
> "The husband gets his stitches out in a month"
> ...


or

"and he died/got shot"
It just explains it all.


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## JestersDarts (21/5/10)

petesbrew said:


> or
> 
> "and he died/got shot"
> It just explains it all.



All i can say - if someones fainting at the end - its a terrible joke to start with..


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## antains (22/5/10)

I can tolerate the scroll. For me, when someone writes before the punchline, "wait for it," or, "this is gold," I want to block the sender.


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## DKS (22/5/10)

antains said:


> I can tolerate the scroll. For me, when someone writes before the punchline, "wait for it," or, "this is gold," I want to block the sender.



I agree antains but it can can be so.. not funny that its funny thinking of the bloke who thought it was funny. (WTF) :blink: 

Anyway I love ravens jokes I look forward to them all the time. Keep em coming Raven
Daz


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## antains (22/5/10)

+1 for raven's jokes. Don't wish to be criticising that awesome effort. 

I don't think he's a perpetrator of the "wait for it" approach anyway.


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## needbeer (24/5/10)

Talking about Ravens ... Here is a poster explaining why it is important to be the boss.


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## JestersDarts (25/5/10)

antains said:


> I can tolerate the scroll. For me, when someone writes before the punchline, "wait for it," or, "this is gold," I want to block the sender.



Hallelujah!! I thought I was the only one that this didn't sit right with.. have been thinking that the rest of the world was becoming that lame.. Good to k now there's others out there haha


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

Glad you like the jokes, I just cut and paste from emails I get from various mates.

Granted some are racist, crude and/or rude, but no offense is intended from my part.

More to post shortly...


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. 

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. 

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. 

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" 

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, 

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." 

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44." 

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. 

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way 

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted. 

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?" 



"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

You Know You're in a Redneck Church ............


1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10 You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

Hardly politically correct, but ............



Holistic Medicine 

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. 

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.' 

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. 

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' 

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! 

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda 

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! 
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! 
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! 

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! 

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! 

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! 

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! 

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig? 

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. 

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! 
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! 
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! 
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in the1980's or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

THREE BLONDES (NATURAL) DIED AND FOUND THEMSELVES STANDING BEFORE ST.PETER.
HE TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE THEY COULD ENTER THE KINGDOM, THEY HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT EASTER WAS.
THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS A HOLIDAY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG FEAST AND WE GIVE THANKS AND EAT TURKEY."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.
THE SECOND BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' BIRTH AND EXCHANGE GIFTS."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.
THE THIRD BLONDE SAID, SHE KNEW WHAT EASTER IS, AND ST. PETER SAID, SO, TELL ME."
SHE SAID, "EASTER IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY THAT COINCIDES WITH THE JEWISH FESTIVAL OF PASSOVER. JESUS WAS HAVING PASSOVER FEAST WITH HIS DISCIPLES WHEN HE WAS BETRAYED BY JUDAS, AND THE
ROMANS ARRESTED HIM. THE ROMANS HUNG HIM ON THE CROSS AND EVENTUALLY HE DIED. THEN THEY BURIED HIM IN A TOMB BEHIND A VERY LARGE BOULDER ..
ST. PETER SAID, "VERRRRRRY GOOD."
THEN THE BLONDE CONTINUED, "NOW EVERY YEAR THE JEWS ROLL AWAY THE BOULDER AND JESUS COMES OUT. IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW, WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL."

ST. PETER FAINTED


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

GPS
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends. 

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions? 

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override. 

Friend #1: What's a GPS override? 

Friend #2: My wife.


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## raven19 (25/5/10)

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... What happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


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## raven19 (26/5/10)

Story of girlfriends ... and ageing

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.


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## petesbrew (26/5/10)

raven19 said:


> ST. PETER FAINTED



Argh, there' you go again Raven. <_< 

Just taking the piss. Keep those jokes coming. :lol:


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## Hazy (31/5/10)

I went to the Doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.
I asked "why" and he said
"because I'd like to examine you"


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## antains (31/5/10)

hazy said:


> I went to the Doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.
> I asked "why" and he said
> "because I'd like to examine you"




I thought, cool, a Tommy Cooper gag.
Then the punchline hit.
Oh no, I thought, that's not Tommy Cooper at all.
:lol:


----------



## Hazy (2/6/10)

Is a brazillian heaps more than a billion ?


----------



## antains (2/6/10)

Tommy Cooper Jokes

-

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that 
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night


----------



## raven19 (3/6/10)

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "THE" seven dwarfs they get ushered in to see the Pope. 

Dopey leads the pack. 

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, 

"What can I do for you?" 

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" 

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 

"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." 

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. 

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. 

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" 

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 

"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." 

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare. 

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 

"Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" 

The Pope answers, 

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." 

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks and all begin chanting: 

"Dopey shagged a penguin!
Dopey shagged a penguin!"


----------



## petesbrew (3/6/10)

The Pope Fainted.

Badoom Psht!!!


----------



## petesbrew (3/6/10)

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

-------------

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a 
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!" 

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable 
word?" 

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate". 

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!". 

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".


----------



## raven19 (4/6/10)

Political Correctness

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 

"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote: 

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." 

(This guy has nailed it.)


----------



## raven19 (4/6/10)

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***


FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition....200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!


----------



## raven19 (4/6/10)

So, I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point.

The last question was where do most women have curly hair?

... Apparently ... the correct answer is Africa!


----------



## warra48 (4/6/10)

* Stimulus Payments*

Sometime this year, we Aussie taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment thanks to Ruddy Corp 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: 


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. 


Q.. Where will the government get this money ? 

A. From taxpayers. 


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? 

A. Only a smidgen of it. 


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-Definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. 


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? 

A. Shut up. 


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by Spending your stimulus cheque wisely: 


* If you spend the stimulus money at K Mart, the money will Go to China or Sri Lanka . 


* If you spend it on Petrol, your money will go to the Arabs. 


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China . 



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to New Zealand, Fiji and Indonesia .. 



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . 




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . 



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 


Instead, keep the money in Australia by: 


1) Spending it at Garage sales, or 

2) Going to Football games, or 

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 

4) Beer or 

5) Tattoos. 


(These are the only Australian businesses still operating ) 



Conclusion: 

Go to a Football game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a Garage sale and drink beer all day ! 


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.


----------



## Hazy (4/6/10)

If someone finds it offensive that you are materbating in front of them, do yo

A.Stop and aplogise

B.Think bugger it, and keep going

or C. Move to another seat on the bus


----------



## michael_aussie (4/6/10)

*THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE 


A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" 


"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and
gets off at the next stop. 


The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: *

*"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" 


"Yeah?", says the hippie. 


"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." 


The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. 


"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. * *"Have sex with me." 


The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 


'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. 


"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" 


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!*


----------



## brettprevans (10/6/10)

Management Course

*Lesson 1: *

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. 
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. 
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' 

Moral of the story: 
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure 


*Lesson 2: *
A priest offered a Nun a lift. 
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 
The priest nearly had an accident. 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. 
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 



*Lesson 3: *

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 
They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 
Puff! She's gone. 
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' 
Puff! He's gone. 
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say. 

*Lesson 4 *
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' 
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 


Lesson 5 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: 
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. 


*Lesson 6 *

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 
The dung was actually thawing him out! 
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your 
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep 
your mouth shut! 


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


----------



## raven19 (10/6/10)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.



As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'



Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric, the little bastard


----------



## raven19 (10/6/10)

RUDDS SUPER MINING TAX EXPLAINED VIA THE "BEER ECONOMY" FOR THE AVERAGE JOE....

Have a read...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to
reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is
how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.


----------



## Ivan Other One (10/6/10)

Where does Jessica Watson sail to, to have a gang bang????????
To the nearest pylon,,,,,,,,,


----------



## michael_aussie (10/6/10)

Ivan Other One said:


> Where does Jessica Watson sail to, to have a gang bang????????
> To the nearest pylon,,,,,,,,,


I don't get it????


----------



## Ivan Other One (14/6/10)

michael_aussie said:


> I don't get it????




Pylon,,,,,,,pile on,,,,


----------



## raven19 (17/6/10)

Priceless moments...

*1. The Cape Times (Cape Town)*

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment.
We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."*

2. The Star (Johannesburg):*

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."*

3. The Standard (Kenya):*

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin. "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."*

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:*

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus Driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.


----------



## haysie (17/6/10)

Stunning woman walks up to the bar and signals the barman to bring his face close to hers.

Running her fingers through his hair, she says softly "are you the manager?" No he replies.

"Can you give him a message?" she asks whilst stroking his face and allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth and moving them seductively across his teeth and tongue.












"Tell him there is NO ******* TOILET PAPER LEFT!!


----------



## QSR (17/6/10)

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart 


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. 

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest! 


The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest! 



























Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...


----------



## Zwickel (19/6/10)

There was an invitation to bid for doing some work.

First offer came from a Polish bidder: will doing the work for 300
Next one was a German, offered doing the work for 600
Last one was a Greek, offered to do the work for 1200

The seller asked the German why hes charging double the price than the Pole is doing.
See, said the German, we have to pay a lot of tax, 300 for me and 300 for our government.
Okay, and why the heck you are charging 4 times more than the Pole is doing? he asks the Greek bidder.

Okay, said the Greek, 300 for you, 300 for me, 300 for our government and 300 for the Pole who is doing the work.

:icon_cheers:


----------



## antains (21/6/10)

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..


To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. 


However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.


After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.


When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"


----------



## raven19 (22/6/10)

*What part of your Body Goes to Heaven First!*

 
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 
'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'



 Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' 

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said. 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' 

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' 

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh! God, I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.' 


The Nun fainted.


----------



## michael_aussie (23/6/10)

Ivan Other One said:


> Pylon,,,,,,,pile on,,,,



oh..... ty ...


----------



## michael_aussie (23/6/10)

raven19 said:


> Only an Aussie
> 
> Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
> 
> ...


Who could tell the difference if you pissed in VB???


----------



## raven19 (23/6/10)

Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as ARL 5.0, AFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.



Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Ive tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?



Signed,
Desperate House Wife



Dear Desperate House Wife,



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: I Thought You Loved Me.exe and try to download Tears 6.2 and dont forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the ensuing applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5



But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.



Good Luck,
Tech Support


----------



## Hazy (24/6/10)

Whats the difference between blue and purple ?


The grip


----------



## Ivan Other One (24/6/10)

What's the difference between lust and love?

Spit and swallow,,,,,,,,,,


----------



## Maple (2/7/10)

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?" 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.

When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. 
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


----------



## mkstalen (2/7/10)

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!


----------



## brett mccluskey (4/7/10)

a man walks into a bar and says "Ouch"!


----------



## brett mccluskey (4/7/10)

a woman walks into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the barman gave her one.


----------



## spog (4/7/10)

a seal walks into a club :huh:


toper1 said:


> a man walks into a bar and says "Ouch"!


----------



## Hazy (4/7/10)

Q. What did they call Whinny the Poo when he died.


A. A Dead Shit


----------



## Tony M (6/7/10)

Alert:!!
This has come to me from a Queensland friend, so please go easy, and read
slower than usual......
Cheers!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------

Subject: Bloody Queenslander. A genuine joke from Queensland..

It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I

can say is truly a Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general
managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys
(New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South
Australia) found themselves sitting at
the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said
without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of
Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on
the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order:
"I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then
neither will I."


----------



## spog (6/7/10)

apparently we have a new prime minister.
who has red hair,poor taste in fashion and big shoes to fill,.......


........**** me its ronald mcdonald..........


----------



## Pennywise (7/7/10)

spog said:


> apparently we have a new prime minister.
> who has red hair,poor taste in fashion and big shoes to fill,.......
> 
> 
> ........**** me its ronald mcdonald..........




:lol: :lol: Gold


----------



## raven19 (9/7/10)

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning before work, but after a short time I ran out
of worms. I was looking through my tackle box trying to find something I
could use as bait when I saw a cottonmouth on the bank about 6 feet away
with a frog in his mouth. I know frogs are good bass bait and knowing the
snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right
behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now my dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with
two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.


----------



## raven19 (12/7/10)

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"



To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f*ckin boat."


----------



## raven19 (14/7/10)

Octopussy at the World Cup!


----------



## mwd (19/7/10)

Was walking down the street and standing outside the pub was a tramp ( bum, hobo, homeless person etc etc ). So hey he says to me "Have you got 50 cents for a pint mate?" 
I gave him a dollar and said get me one too.


----------



## michael_aussie (19/7/10)

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes..' They were seated immediately.


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' 

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' 

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' 

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord...'God, what does a million years mean to you?' 
The Lord replies, 'A minute.' 
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------



A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?' 
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------



John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said. 
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. 
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'



------------ --------- --------- --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' 
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' 
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' 
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' 
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' 
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'


----------



## spog (20/7/10)

my wife asked me where i would like to be buried.......



apparently balls deep in her sister was not the correct answer........cheers,.....spog....


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (22/7/10)

I noticed a couple of women at McDonalds in Grey and black, full head coverings, ordering a meal.

I left an went to Hungry Jacks where there were also two women in full head gear only theirs were very colourful and patterned.

Then it struck me......The Buquas ARE better at Hungry Jacks.


----------



## raven19 (22/7/10)

The stranded Irishman 


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!" 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" 



With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!


----------



## petesbrew (22/7/10)

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck my
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all
day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold
Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two
chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take
these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over so now we're going to SeaWorld.'


----------



## Katherine (22/7/10)

petesbrew said:


> A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was
> flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
> The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
> 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
> ...



love it


----------



## petesbrew (22/7/10)

Katie said:


> love it


Forwarded to me from my blonde wife


----------



## mwd (28/7/10)

Typical!​​​​​​​​

*WOMAN'S DIARY* 

*16 May 2010 Sunday*


*Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. *

*I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. *

*The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.* 

*He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.* 

*All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,*
*I just knew that something was wrong.* 

*He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,*
*He hesitated but followed.* 

*I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.* 

*After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,*
*He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.* 

*He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we*
*made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.*

*I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. *



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
*MAN'S DIARY:*



*Sunday 16 May*


*Australia lost the cricket.*

*Gutted.*
​* Got a root though.


Cut and paste job  
*


----------



## zabond (28/7/10)

A bloke rings up his best mate and says"I've got a terible problem and need your advise","for a while I've suspected the missus of having an affair,you know going out of a night"with the girls"phone rings and when I answer they hang up so the other night I decided to hide behind the boat in the backyard and watch her come home,sure enough gets out of a strange car,hair all messed up and as she's walking down the drive pulls her undies out of her handbag,as I ducked down lower I noticed a hairline crack in the outboardmotor mount,now do you think I should get it MIG welded or buy a new one!!


----------



## drew9242 (28/7/10)

ZABOND said:


> A bloke rings up his best mate and says"I've got a terible problem and need your advise","for a while I've suspected the missus of having an affair,you know going out of a night"with the girls"phone rings and when I answer they hang up so the other night I decided to hide behind the boat in the backyard and watch her come home,sure enough gets out of a strange car,hair all messed up and as she's walking down the drive pulls her undies out of her handbag,as I ducked down lower I noticed a hairline crack in the outboardmotor mount,now do you think I should get it MIG welded or buy a new one!!




I love it, made me lunch break.


----------



## Ivan Other One (28/7/10)

Why did the cowbow have shit on his moustache???

Because, "He was lookin' for love in all the wrong places"


----------



## Ivan Other One (28/7/10)

Tonight I'm Going to KFC to try the new Julia Gillard meal,,,,,,

2 small breasts,

2 large thighs,

And a big red box.


----------



## Newbiebrewer (8/8/10)

I don't know if this one has been in here before.
*These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.* 







ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 
WITNESS: We both do. 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 
WITNESS: We do. 
ATTORNEY: You do? 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. 
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. 
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Getting laid 
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male. 
_____ ________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
______________________________________

*And the best for last: *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATT ORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## raven19 (9/8/10)

Police Raid in Elizabeth 

Police in Elizabeth just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 
2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 
anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, $50 
million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked Filipino prostitutes 
all in a Housing Trust house behind the Public Library in Elizabeth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We didn't know we had a Library!!"


----------



## raven19 (10/8/10)

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for fathers day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday............ It was around then the fight started......


----------



## Greg Lawrence (10/8/10)




----------



## raven19 (12/8/10)

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. 
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to 
the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our 
fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a 
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?" 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"


----------



## JestersDarts (12/8/10)

:lol:


----------



## michael_aussie (14/8/10)

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE 
ARE ALL TRUE STORIES 
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww..... 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. 
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, 
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. 
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. 
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.


----------



## michael_aussie (14/8/10)

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE 
ARE ALL TRUE STORIES 
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww..... 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. 
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, 
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. 
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!) 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. 
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.


----------



## raven19 (17/8/10)

Taliban and Arizona's Immigration Law 

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if Arizona's Immigration Law is not repealed, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 & Super 8 Managers. And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States! Folks, it's gonna get ugly!!


----------



## raven19 (17/8/10)

Dick had been in Fire Service for 25 years. Finally sick of the 
stress, he 
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska - as far from 
humanity as 
possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise 
it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on 
his 
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is 
standing 
there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a 
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at 
about 
5:00....'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet 
some 
local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Dick. 'After 25 years in the Fire Service, I can 
drink 
with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely 
gonna be 
some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.
Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 
'I've been 
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what 
should 
I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'


----------



## JestersDarts (17/8/10)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## raven19 (17/8/10)

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in 

a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, 

nude model danced before them.....


Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that 

anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be 

ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. 



She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until 

she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began 

to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in 

nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.




He bent over to pick it up........and all the other bells started to ring..


----------



## raven19 (18/8/10)

THERE IS SOMEBODY UNDER MY BED!

 EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV. 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem. I drink to that.


----------



## Katherine (19/8/10)

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.

The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!

Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!











































Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.

The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!

Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!



























Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.

The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!

Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!


----------



## JestersDarts (19/8/10)

:huh:


----------



## Pennywise (20/8/10)

:lol: :lol: Nice one JD


----------



## Ivan Other One (23/8/10)

Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. 
"Follow me, son." The father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" 
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"


----------



## petesbrew (23/8/10)

Pennywise said:


> :lol: :lol: Nice one JD


+1. The response was as good as the joke.


----------



## raven19 (23/8/10)

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. 



Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

 Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero. 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . . The moral of the story - Pay your f*cking bills.


----------



## srcossens (23/8/10)

This is a new Heineken beer ad over here in the UK. I don't know whether you are getting it over there back in Oz. Very amusing!!


----------



## Pollux (24/8/10)

Got told this random one at work today when I asked someone "What's news?" 

"Making headlines: Corduroy Pillows"

for some reason I was laughing for 10minutes plus while trying to deal......


----------



## warra48 (24/8/10)

ScottC said:


> This is a new Heineken beer ad over here in the UK. I don't know whether you are getting it over there back in Oz. Very amusing!!




And the translation for those of you who do not speak Dutch:

Now, this is just the living room.
And then we come here to the bedroom, with...............
Shrieking AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh etc etc


----------



## raven19 (25/8/10)

A friend of mine just started his own business, he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. 

It's doing well. He says "the Prophets are going through the roof."


----------



## raven19 (27/8/10)

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. 

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. 



The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the Shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. 

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen teen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' 

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This Time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


----------



## raven19 (30/8/10)

*1* . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

*2*. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

*3*. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 

*4*. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

*5*. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.' 

*6*. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 

*7* . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 

*8*. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle. 

*9.* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

*10.* Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

*11*. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 

*12*. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.' 

*13.* A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.' 

*15.* Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 

*16*. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

*17*. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

*18.* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 

*19.* Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 

*20*. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 

*21.* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 

*22*. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore' *and
23.* Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


----------



## DKS (31/8/10)

I did like no* 18 :lol: 
Keep em coming Raven. :icon_cheers: 
Daz


----------



## raven19 (2/9/10)

*I Fixed my Computer for Good*
After going through a virus attack,

Losing a hard drive,

Fighting off hackers,

Upgrading all my software,

Installing fire-walls,

Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, And a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...

And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to !!!





Edit (title added)


----------



## Newbiebrewer (2/9/10)

can you get kegs the correct size to fit a computer case


----------



## Pennywise (3/9/10)

I'm sure you could work out some sort of garden sprayer keg thingo. Awesome idea


----------



## warra48 (3/9/10)

Some old men can still think fast.


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. 
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' 
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' 

Some old men can still think fast.


----------



## Newbiebrewer (3/9/10)

Pennywise said:


> I'm sure you could work out some sort of garden sprayer keg thingo. Awesome idea



Would the plastic be made of food grade material though? 

(Sorry for the OT)


----------



## DennisKing (12/9/10)

Had to go and see an ex girlfriend today and guess what, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it but the the policeman said I should have just identified the body.


----------



## raven19 (13/9/10)

*Day one of democracy's new dawn: Oakeshott gets lunch*

Political staffer: "Hey Rob I'm just going to the parliamentary canteen, did you want the pasta or the salad roll?"

Rob Oakeshott: "Well, look. I mean, yikes. I'm not pretending this is easy.

It's been line ball, a points decision, six to one half a dozen the other, it really could go either way, in fact it's going right down to the wire. I mean, I like pasta. I like it a lot. Over the years I have eaten a lot of pasta, it's, you know, it's a carbohydrate, and you can have it with a variety of sauces.

But then I really like salad rolls. I've eaten a lot of salad rolls in my time too. And weighing it up on balance I have to say that I'm kind of torn. The question I have been asking myself is what is the pasta going to provide? I want more than just sustenance, I don't just want to eat for the sake of eating, I think what we really need at this point of time, that is, lunch time, is a whole new way of eating.

So if it's going to be the pasta then the question has to be asked, is it just going to be the same sort of pasta that we've seen in the past, or a whole new pasta paradigm? And I find myself wondering if whether it's the salad roll after all that can provide that not just the usual ham cheese lettuce and tomato combo but something which also involves some grated carrot, alfalfa, maybe some Jarlsberg instead of the plain old Kraft single, some beetroot a roll that's more inclusive, that says a bit more about who we are and what we can be, a roll that

Political staffer: Sorry, Rob.

Rob Oakeshott: A roll that involves everybody, a roll that breaks down the presumptions and rewrite the rules governing the

Political staffer: Rob

Rob Oakeshott: A roll for tomorrow! A roll that's beautiful in its ugliness

Political staffer: ROB!!!

Rob Oakeshott: Sorry, yes?

Political staffer: Lunch is over. They've got the dinner menu on now. Do you want the chicken or the veal?

Rob Oakeshott: Well, look. I mean, yikes. I'm not pretending this is easy


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (14/9/10)

DennisKing said:


> Had to go and see an ex girlfriend today and guess what, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it but the the policeman said I should have just identified the body.




Sorry Dennis. That is just soooo not funny. 

Not Clever, Not funny.

I vote it is removed.


----------



## argon (16/9/10)

Man tries to save money and yet again gets in trouble.... 



Husband Down 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. 
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies. 
'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart. 
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


----------



## AlphaOne (16/9/10)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> Sorry Dennis. That is just soooo not funny.
> 
> Not Clever, Not funny.
> 
> I vote it is removed.



I had a chuckle.


----------



## zabond (19/9/10)

A bloke goes to his mates farm to see him,when he gets there he hears this loud music coming from the machinery shed,as he opens the door he sees his mate doing a striptease in front of the tractor,when he finally whips off his jocks and starts gyrating against the grill he yells out "what the hell are ya doing"the mate turns round and said'well I went to the docs yesterday and told him I was having trouble getting the missus excited,so he sugested that I should do somthing sexy to atractor


----------



## michael_aussie (19/9/10)

DennisKing said:


> Had to go and see an ex girlfriend today and guess what, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it but the the policeman said I should have just identified the body.




I love to hear totally inappropriate, yet funny jokes.


----------



## raven19 (21/9/10)

HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE GONNA MATCH THIS NAME & ADDRESS





This could only be in UK !



In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertsfordshire 

lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes

She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.



Her mail is addressed:



Linda Lykes

The Cock Inn

ERBUM

Tillet, Herts.


----------



## JestersDarts (21/9/10)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Ivan Other One (22/9/10)

A 3 year old boy was in the bath and grabs his testicles and asks his mother, "Are these my brains?"

His mother replied, "Not yet son"


----------



## raven19 (23/9/10)

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE 
IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! 
WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM. 

Dear Australian Labourites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. 

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement: 
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the labour judges and the CFMEU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers and Kerry O'Brien. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you ABC and Bollywood. 

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. 

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. 

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. 

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World". 

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. 
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. 

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an Australian

P.S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Peter Garrett and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. P. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.


----------



## bum (23/9/10)

Why has it been changed to an Australian author but most of the US references remain untouched?

I refuse to become enraged by such lazy trolling.


----------



## white.grant (23/9/10)

bum said:


> Why has it been changed to an Australian author but most of the US references remain untouched?
> 
> I refuse to become enraged by such lazy trolling.



Yes, this used to be such a good thread and now its conservative!


----------



## antains (23/9/10)

Grantw said:


> Yes, this used to be such a good thread and now its conservative!



Raven cuts and pastes jokes - he repeatedly admits as such. Hell, he even repeats jokes!

But, if the 16-year-old girl pile-on joke (Jessica Watson) gets by without a comment, then there's no leg to stand on in questioning anything else.


----------



## bum (23/9/10)

antains said:


> Raven cuts and pastes jokes - he repeatedly admits as such. Hell, he even repeats jokes!


Didn't mean to suggest the fault was with Raven - I hope he sees that.


----------



## raven19 (30/9/10)

4 Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead 

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. 

So the Minister asked the congregation - 

What did you learn from this demonstration??? 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms! 


That pretty much ended the service


----------



## raven19 (30/9/10)

antains said:


> Raven cuts and pastes jokes - he repeatedly admits as such. Hell, he even repeats jokes!
> 
> But, if the 16-year-old girl pile-on joke (Jessica Watson) gets by without a comment, then there's no leg to stand on in questioning anything else.





bum said:


> Didn't mean to suggest the fault was with Raven - I hope he sees that.



Yes indeed, cutty and pasty here. Just sharing the love.

I need lots of laughs of work, and I figure if I can pass a few funnies on to the good people on AHB then I can provide some smiles to others also.

I am certain none of the jokes I have added to this thread are mine. I only have dodgy Dad Jokes, and I aint even a Dad yet!

(I try not to repeat them - sorry about those rare instances!)


----------



## raven19 (30/9/10)

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you
always remember me." 



"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about
you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" 



"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. 

You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and 

maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and 

maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you
gonna do then......, 



Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up'?"


----------



## raven19 (30/9/10)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank ~~~ our prayers have been answered!'


----------



## ben_sa (3/10/10)

Lame... but gave me a giggle


----------



## raven19 (4/10/10)

Julia Gillard met with the Queen of England. 
She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to
surround yourself with intelligent people."


Gillard frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know
the people around me are really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just
ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen
pushed a button on her intercom. "Please sendDavid Cameron in here, would you?"


David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, my
Queen?"


The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,
David, your mother and father have a child. It is not
your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"


Without pausing for a moment, David Cameronanswered,
"That would be me."


"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Gillard went back home to ask Wayne Swan, her deputy the same question. "Wayne, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"


"I'm not sure," said Swan. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Gough Whitlam's shoes in the next stall.


Swan asked Whitlam, "Gough, can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it's notyour brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Gough Whitlam yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"


Swan smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back
to speak with Gillard. "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Gough Whitlam" 


Julia Gillard got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled
into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"


AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR GOVERNMENT.


----------



## michael_aussie (7/10/10)

raven19 said:


> Something to offend everybody:
> 
> 
> * Can you spare just *R2.00*? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just R2.00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.
> ...


Obviously the South African version.
The USA one has Blacks and Mexicians in the cells.


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## drew9242 (7/10/10)

Fasty73


----------



## raven19 (7/10/10)

(Possibly a repeat... an oldie). 
*Baptist Cowboy*

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." 
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


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## smilinggilroy (7/10/10)

Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM 
You have 2 cows. 
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM 
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk. 

FASCISM 
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk. 

NAZISM 
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you. 

BUREAUCRATISM 
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away... 

SURREALISM 
You have two giraffes. 
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons . 


A FRENCH CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. 
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. 

A GERMAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. 
You decide to have lunch. 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. 
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. 

A SWISS CORPORATION 
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them. 

A CHINESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. 
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
You worship them. 

A BRITISH CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
Both are mad. 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION 
You have no cows.
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. 
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive. 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate


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## jyo (9/10/10)




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## white.grant (12/10/10)

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"


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## Jaissy (12/10/10)

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. 

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. 

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. 

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 

"Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers." :super:


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## petesbrew (13/10/10)

Jaissy said:


> Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
> 
> He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.
> 
> ...


 :lol:


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## Williams (14/10/10)

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."


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## Newbiebrewer (14/10/10)

Grantw said:


> A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"



Ahh reminds me of the fun times in physics class at high school :lol: 

Here's mine (might have been said before)

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, Would you care for a drink?

Descartes replied, I think not. and disappears.
​I never get sick of that joke


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## leiothrix (17/10/10)

Grantw said:


> A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"




A hydrogen atom walks in to a bar looking miserable. The bartender says "Why so sad?" The hydrogen atom replies "I've lost an electron!" The bartender asks "Are you sure?" And the hydrogen atom replies "I'm positive".


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## michael_aussie (18/10/10)

Hughezy said:


> Ahh reminds me of the fun times in physics class at high school :lol:
> 
> Here's mine (might have been said before)
> 
> ...



Does that "Descartes joke" make sense?? I'm not sure it does....... 

anyway.......

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He lifts the dog up and swings him around over his head by the tail. The bartender says "Hey, man! What are you doing?" He says, "Oh, I'm just looking around." 
-- Prairie Home Companion, Pretty Good Joke Book 

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place." 

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. 

A definite integral walks and orders 10 shots of whiskey. "You sure about that, buddy?" "Yeah, I know my limits. 

A bar walks into a commutative algebraist.

A cosine wave walks into a bar, and orders a pint. The barman says sorry, we dont cater for functions.

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "Hey," the bartender says, "what's his name?" "Tiny," the man replys. "Why call him that?," the bartender says. "Because he's my newt."

[Heard on WPLJ radio - New York City- 4/21/97] A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice. The bartender says, "Oh that...that's the nuts -- they're complimentary." 

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, "how can you prove it?" The man, says "come with me." They go inside the bar. The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another. As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I dont think you should be drinking those so fast." "You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11. "Well, what is it you have?" The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents." 

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but it's uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch." 

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals."....The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us." 

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie? The pirate replies, Aye! Its driving me nuts! 

A man walks into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar....The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay, you can come in... but just don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig out of here!" yelled the bartender. "That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!" "I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!" 

A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator." 

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand." 

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor." 

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?" 

A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow. 

A string walks into a pub and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the barman. "What? That's discrimination," says the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar and again attempts to order a drink. "Aren't you that string I just refused to serve?" asks the barman. "No. I'm a frayed knot." 

A Number 12 walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. 'Sorry I can't serve you' states the barman. 'Why not' asks the number 12. 'You're under 18' replies the barman.

A mushroom walks into a bar and starts buying drinks for everyone. Big party, everyone is happy. Eventually, someone leans over and says to the mushroom, "your a fungi to have around." [Heard on Prairie Home Companion, April 17, 2004]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra. 

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"

A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. "Hey," the policeman says, "your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary's?" "Well," the man says, "your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"


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## raven19 (18/10/10)

SCHOOL 1960 vs. 2010



Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up friends.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs. Mark accused of being a racist



Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Master. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.



Scenario :

Mark has a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1960 - Mark gets glass of water from his teacher to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. His house is searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Bonfire Night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.

1960 - Ants die.

2010- Police Force, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1960 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.



How stupid have we as a society become!


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## raven19 (25/10/10)

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. 

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several steps and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." 

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. "

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.



Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. 

"Yes", answered the Instructor. 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" 

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.


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## raven19 (28/10/10)

(Brilliant!)

Hot or Cold...?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

*Bonus Question:* Is *Hell* *exothermic* (gives off heat) or *endothermic* (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

*THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.*


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## michael_aussie (4/11/10)

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...........



Because he said ....





My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.



It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!



Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.



A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!



A hooker once told me she had a headache.



I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.



If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.



I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'



I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.



I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.



My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.



I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.



The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'



My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.



I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.



My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.



My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago
last night.



MY FAVORITE:



My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.


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## raven19 (4/11/10)

Darwin Awards
_Not quite sure these are all new ones, but good for a chuckle._

And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. "The Darwins"are 
awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest 
manner,thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. 


Here is the official 2010 list. Notice the interesting spin for thisyear's 
first place award which comes to us... from -- of all 
places, Arkansas. How surprising is that? This year's nominees are: 

Nominee No. 1: (San Jose Mercury News): 
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break 
a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when 
the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. 

Nominee No. 2: (Kalamazoo Gazette): James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, 
MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police 
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on 
a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a 
troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other 
man found Burns "wrapped around the drive shaft." 

Nominee No. 3: 
(Hickory Daily Record): Ken Charles Barger, 47, 
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. 
Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he 
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 
Special,which discharged when he drew it to his ear. 

Nominee No. 4: 
(UPI, Toronto): Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown 
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his 
death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into thecourtyard of 
the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining 
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy 
previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to 
police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm 
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto 
Sun 
newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (ed note:????) 
members of the 200-man association. 

Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird): Michael Anderson Godwin made 
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting 
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his 
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet 
in his cell attempting to fix his small TVset, he bit into a wire and was 
electrocuted. 

Nominee No. 6 A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay Countryman, 
using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, 
was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs 
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' 
rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor 
was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing 
properly.He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when 
the gunpowder ignited. 

Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario): A man cleaning a 
bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto 
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, 
was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector 
Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair 
moved, and he went over the balcony, " Honer said. 

Finally, 
THE WINNER!!!: 
(Arkansas Democrat Gazette): 
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a 
tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early 
Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after 
midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little 
Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On 
an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights 
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the 
older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not 
available, Wallis noticed that the 22-caliber bullets from his pistol fit 
perfectlyinto the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. 
Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate 
properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River 
Bridge . After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing 
the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck 
Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, 
exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor 
cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to 
repair the damage to his testicles, which will never again operate as 
intended.Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and 
released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot 
his nuts off, or we might both be dead, " stated Wallis. "I've 
been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first 
for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how 
thisaccident happened, " said Snyder. Upon being notified of the 
wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had 
caught and did anyone get them from the truck.Priorities, after all!! 
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure 
as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be 
argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the 
gene pool.


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## michael_aussie (4/11/10)

I love Darwin Awards.

also motivationals.....


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## Newbiebrewer (5/11/10)

people like that remind me that some people shouldn't be allowed to breed


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## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (8/11/10)

One of my all time favourite Darwin Awards was the ex-marine (Russian I think) walking his Alsatian and got into an argument with some passerby's.

As they walked away rom him he lobbed a grenade at them.

Hi Alsatian promptly retrieved it and blew up himself and his angry owner.


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## warb (9/11/10)

i got this mate, top bloke.. he has epilepsy.. i bought him a strobe light for christmas, he will have a fit when he sees it..


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## mccuaigm (9/11/10)

Why Men aren't allowed to take messages...


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## jonocarroll (9/11/10)

goldy said:


> Why Men aren't allowed to take messages...


Could be worse...


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## bum (10/11/10)

Whoa. That fridge is _tiny_.


----------



## raven19 (10/11/10)

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses". 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" 

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. 

It mean... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!


----------



## MarkBastard (10/11/10)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> Sorry Dennis. That is just soooo not funny.
> 
> Not Clever, Not funny.
> 
> I vote it is removed.



I vote all wowsers are removed


----------



## raven19 (11/11/10)

A magician worked on a cruise ship. 

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning almost all who were on board. 
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... 

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?


----------



## JestersDarts (11/11/10)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## petesbrew (11/11/10)

Haven't heard that one in yonks. Brilliant!


----------



## raven19 (11/11/10)

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' 

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' 

God Bless Arizona


----------



## Yob (13/11/10)

a man walks into the doctors office wearing only a gladwrap nappie... Doctor takes one look and says "Clearly I can see your nuts"

a man walks into the doctors office with a bit of lettuce poking out of his arse... Doctor takes one look and says "Its just the tip of the iceberg"


----------



## michael_aussie (13/11/10)

Mohammed entered his classroom. 
"What is your name?" asked the teacher. 
"Mohammed".... Answered the kid. 
"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher. 

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. 
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. 
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." 

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him. 

Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely. 
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?" 

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f**kin Arabs!..."


----------



## Newbiebrewer (13/11/10)

:lol: :lol: excellent


----------



## white.grant (13/11/10)

Julia Gillard and the Pope were on stage at a mass gathering of about 100,000 of the faithfull.

The Pope nudges Julia and says, "You know, I can take all of these fine Aussies to everlasting happiness with just a wave of my hand."

"Really?" say Julia

"Yep." says the pope "and I'm not just talking about a fleeting moment of joy here, I'm talking eternal bliss. Everlasting happiness that will never die. One wave of my hand, that's all!"

"You should do that then" Says Julia , "Go ahead!"

So he slapped her.


----------



## Ivan Other One (14/11/10)

Groaners. <_< 


Two backpackers met at the campgrounds and fell in love,,,,

Their sex was intence,,,


Two nymphomaniac backpackers met a the campgrounds,,,

Their sex was intence,,, also on the grass, the picnic table, the swimming hole etc etc etc,,,


----------



## stew.w (14/11/10)

watch this:


then this:


that guys ridiculous anyway but the remix is even funnier.


----------



## michael_aussie (15/11/10)

Stew.W said:


> watch this:
> 
> 
> then this:
> ...



love it ... ty stew


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## Weatherby (15/11/10)

This one is funny too, but it is a bit weird that they are both in Huntsville, something suss there.


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## raven19 (15/11/10)

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon 
An Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar
But less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first 
Aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured
Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
Highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw 
Each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled 
To him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got 
what he Deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left 
Wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.' 
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, 
Mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard! '

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, 
when a bloody truck hit us!


----------



## raven19 (15/11/10)

A Young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body! 
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me papa?
Yes my son? 

Then, why the f#ck are we living in Melbourne???


----------



## QldKev (17/11/10)

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. 

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. 

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. 

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. 

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. 

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. 


Dear Maggie, 

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). 

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. 

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. 

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. 

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. 

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. 

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. 

All my love, Chris 

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


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## raven19 (17/11/10)

A drunken man walks into a 
biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men 
sitting at a corner table. He gets 
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the 
face and says:


'I went by your grandma's 
house today, and I saw her in the 
hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking 
woman!'


The biker looks at him and 
doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, 
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table 
again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma 
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are 
starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table 
one more time and says, 'I'll tell 
you 
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands 
up,takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says 
...


Grandpa .......... Go home!


----------



## spog (18/11/10)

a chilean miner in bed with his wife after being rescued from the mine collapse.
his wife says "make love too me my brave miner"
he replies "can i take you from behind", anything my brave miner,replies his wife,"anything you want"
"in that case " says her hubby "can i call you pedro"


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## michael_aussie (19/11/10)

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well! 
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods, He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? 
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' 
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"


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## peaky (21/11/10)

I went to see a nurse the other day and she said, "You're going to have to stop masturbating"


I said, "Why?"


She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


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## michael_aussie (22/11/10)

I saw an old girl friend yesterday. I ended up having sex with her again for old times sake.
The police said I should have just identified her.


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## michael_aussie (23/11/10)

I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General: 

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview... 

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. 

Eating Out: 

1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. 

Entertaining at Home: 

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.. 

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. 

Personal Hygiene: 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. 

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette: 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 

Weddings: 

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. 

Driving Etiquette: 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


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## J Grimmer (25/11/10)

A bra and jumper lead walk into a bar. After a few moments the Bra orders 2 drinks, to which the bar tender says 

"No, cause your off your tits and mate looks like he's about to start something".


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## michael_aussie (26/11/10)

Little Known Facts
>1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
>2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
>4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
>5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,
>you're heart stops for a mili-second.
>6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
>reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand
>(or attempted to do so).
>7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
>8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
>9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti
>Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of
>little pasta swastikas.
>10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at
> Primary school.
>11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and
>spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
>12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
>received a telephone call.
>13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
>14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
> toughest tongue twister in the English language.
>15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
>suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
>and die.
>16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have
>over a million descendants.
>17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
>your ear by 700 times.
>18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
>14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on
>July16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
>extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
>19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
>20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
>are already married.
>22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
>23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people
>sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
>24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat
>70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
>25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
>26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
>27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
>28. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.


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## J Grimmer (28/11/10)

Real Man's Letter to Helpline







Serious mens stuff

Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been
cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and
she's going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat,
when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then
she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that
moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the
outboard mounting bracket...
Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?


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## raven19 (28/11/10)

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, Im Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you wont have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you wont have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life as a matter of fact, you wont have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

THEN POOF! she was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. Fred, where are you?

Fred yells back, Im over here, in the pussywillows.

Dave yells back
DONT SWING FRED!!! For Gods sake, DONT SWING!!


----------



## raven19 (28/11/10)

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' 
The nun agreed. 
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.' 

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.


----------



## raven19 (28/11/10)

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


----------



## rotten (28/11/10)

What's the difference between a clitoris, and a pub?

9 out of ten males know where to find the pub.


----------



## rotten (28/11/10)

How do you tell when an australians feeling better?

He tries to blow the froth of his medicine.


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## raven19 (30/11/10)

Haiku Error Messages



In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.



Your file was so big. 

It might be very useful. 

But now it is gone. 



The Web site you seek 

Cannot be located, but 

Countless more exist. 



Chaos reigns within. 

Reflect, repent, and reboot. 

Order shall return. 


Program aborting: 

Close all that you have worked on. 

You ask far too much. 



Windows NT crashed. 

I am the Blue Screen of Death. 

No one hears your screams. 



Yesterday it worked. 

Today it is not working. 

Windows is like that.


----------



## jonocarroll (30/11/10)

*POLITICS EXPLAINED:*

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


----------



## michael_aussie (2/12/10)

GOLFING TERMS

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't. 

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another. 

A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand. 

A ' John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water. 

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed. 

An 'O.J.'- got away with one. 

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver. 

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver. 

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good. 

A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole. 

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right. 

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds. 

A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read. 

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out. 

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist. 

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees. 

A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole. 

A "Al Gore" -- earth first 

A `TIGER WOODS' - Wrong Hole.


----------



## Eater (3/12/10)

Very damn funny MA
ill rip them out on the course next week


----------



## Airgead (3/12/10)

michael_aussie said:


> GOLFING TERMS



A colleague of mine who was a golfing fanatic introduced me to the Marradona - a nasty little 4 footer


----------



## Ivan Other One (4/12/10)

*A Miracle*

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers ... "Not me mate, I'm on Workers Comp".


----------



## michael_aussie (4/12/10)

Ivan Other One said:


> *A Miracle*
> 
> The Irishman .........a pint of Guinness from me.
> 
> ...


If I was Jesus I'd be disapointed at that cat's piss after those two great beers.


----------



## raven19 (7/12/10)

First-year students at a Texas Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving an animal's body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. 

Life is tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."


----------



## Ivan Other One (10/12/10)

A bloke in a bub walks over to a big fat chick seated at the bar and asks, "Excuse me, but do you have a pen?"

"Yes" she replies and as she reaches into her handbag he says,

"Well don't you think you should get back to it before the farmer finds out you're missing?"


----------



## raven19 (10/12/10)

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power' 


 Top tip; if youre camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex............ Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseur today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean What I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait' I said 'don't worry fatty , you're bound to lose it eventually'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


----------



## raven19 (10/12/10)

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

 While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"


----------



## spog (10/12/10)

there once was a girl named alice,
who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus,
they found her vagina in north carolina,and half of her anus in dallas.

.......he he he ....cheers....spog....


----------



## michael_aussie (10/12/10)

wrong jokes are the best......


----------



## michael_aussie (13/12/10)

A duck walks into a bar.
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman If you ask that again, Im going to nail your beak to the bar
Duck Do you have any nails?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?


----------



## petesbrew (13/12/10)

spog said:


> there once was a girl named alice,
> who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus,
> they found her vagina in north carolina,and half of her anus in dallas.
> 
> .......he he he ....cheers....spog....


 :lol:


----------



## michael_aussie (16/12/10)

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!" 
. . . . . . . . . . . . .. 

My wife told me last night that she is fed up with me pushing her around and
talking behind her back ... She's in a f**king wheel chair for goodness sake !! 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . 
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and
got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were
welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure inspiration........
....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 ! 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . 
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction! 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . 
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on
the sofa... 
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake! 
. . . . . . . . . . . . 
Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other
half. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the
bus home. 
. . . . . . . . .. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . 
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are
going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!


----------



## raven19 (17/12/10)

The Balloonist 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' 

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' 

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.' 

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'But how did you know?' 

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in 
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.' 

Touch!


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## Steve (17/12/10)

raven19 said:


> The Balloonist
> 
> A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'
> 
> ...




nice one


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## raven19 (17/12/10)

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
Swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
Go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
Ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
Breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
And ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ******* Coco Pops'


----------



## raven19 (17/12/10)

Subject: The Proper King's English


The Proper King's English

You English majors and wordsmiths will appreciate this old and fading art of
writing:

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text message and email
have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this
category, please take note of the following statement below:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

I cannot stress enough that proper use of grammar can be most important!


----------



## Ivan Other One (18/12/10)

Nativity Scene for National Capital [Canberra]



The High Court has handed down a judgement. 




"There will not be a Nativity Scene in the
Australian Capital this Christmas season."



In a judgement of significance it was stated that this was not for any religious reason.


The key issue was that they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra.


However the search for a Virgin continues.


The High Court did note that there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.


----------



## michael_aussie (18/12/10)

~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"


----------



## Weatherby (20/12/10)




----------



## petesbrew (22/12/10)

raven19 said:


> A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
> 
> 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
> Swearing.'
> ...


----------



## michael_aussie (22/12/10)

------LAWYERS AND FARMERS

The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at
university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his
money on the high city life.

He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will
teach a dog how to talk.'

'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the
program?'

'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo
says, 'I'll get him into the course..'

So father sends down the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to
know.

'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe
this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the
reading class!'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart.
Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'

'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'

As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.

At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem...When he
goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can
neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I
just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading
the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So,
is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that bastard before
he blabs to your Mother!'

'I already did, Dad!'

'Good boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


----------



## michael_aussie (23/12/10)

A Scotsman's Chilli.



A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."


----------



## spog (24/12/10)

i braked as hard as i could but still hit the car in front of me.
a gorgeous young blonde gets out and shouts at meR
"RAM ME UP THE ARSE AS HARD AS YOU CAN WHY DONT YA"

and that,your honour is where all the confusion started

....cheers.......spog.........


----------



## raven19 (27/12/10)

Three Holy Men & a Bear 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. 

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. 

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. 

He was in really bad shape. 

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way for me to start with the bear.


----------



## michael_aussie (2/1/11)

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes. 
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. 
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? 
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? 
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!


----------



## michael_aussie (4/1/11)

I just got off the phone with a friend in Maine 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist 
high and is still falling. 

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is 
increasing. 

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. 

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in


----------



## Ivan Other One (9/1/11)

Two women, a brunette and a blonde, step out of a hairdressers to see a man with very bad dandruff walk by.

"Gee, he could really use some 'Head and Shoulders' Said the brunette to her Friend.

The blonde asks,"How do you give shoulders?"


----------



## michael_aussie (12/1/11)

APPARENTLY THE VIDEO IS AN AD FOR WASHING MACHINES.

I DIDNT NOTICE.






Fleggaard Holding A/S, through its subsidiaries, markets electronic appliances. The company specializes in selling televisions and radio sets. 

Fleggaard Holding is based in Krusaa , Denmark . Just across Germany 's northern-most border with Denmark youll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard. There, you can buy everything you need tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap at prices 30% cheaper than youll find in Denmark It is Denmark 's Costco, packaged as a German loophole. 

Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made. 


http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf


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## peas_and_corn (12/1/11)

b00000000bs


----------



## michael_aussie (13/1/11)

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! 

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. 

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS..

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS . 

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT
CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 


19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.


22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


----------



## raven19 (20/1/11)

CRICKET HUMOUR?


1. What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube? - A laughing stock. 
 2. The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. - They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast! 
 3. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director? - A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes. 
 4. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? - The woman who irons their cricket whites. 
 5. What's the height of optimism? - An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. 
 6. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball? - He forgot it was chained to his foot. 
 7. What is the main function of the Australia coach? - To transport the team from the hotel to the ground. 
 8. On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle. - His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!" 
 9. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? - Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both. 
 10. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? - The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. 
 11. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? - Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. 
 12. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? - The entire Australian innings. 
 13. What's the Australian version of LBW? - Lost, Beaten, Walloped. 
 14. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? - Because he can get out without even trying. 
 15. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? - A bat. 
 16. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? - A vacant lot. 
 17. Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX? - Because they can't spell beer. 
 18. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? - They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. 
 19. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? - At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.


----------



## raven19 (20/1/11)

Stay off your bicycle 

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


----------



## michael_aussie (22/1/11)

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.



He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?""No, what?" asks the man



"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball."



The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.



Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.



He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your Monkey did now?"



"No, what?" replied the man.



"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,



"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

.


----------



## michael_aussie (22/1/11)

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


Bitch!


----------



## michael_aussie (22/1/11)

A REAL WOMAN
A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...

No wait... sorry. I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit. Never mind

.


----------



## michael_aussie (23/1/11)

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. 

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captains of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." 

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. 

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (23/1/11)

Is a woman or your dog your best friend



You can easly tell by locking them in the boot of your car for a day, and seeing which one is happy to see you when you open it


----------



## raven19 (24/1/11)

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. 
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. 
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. 
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. 
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? 
And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either. 
I also saw you kick the cow, so you are not getting any milk for a week .'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. 


Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'


----------



## raven19 (25/1/11)

> Subject: Fwd: The Difference If you Marry An Aussie Girl
> 
> 
> THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY An Aussie GIRL
> 
> Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
> 
> The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the 
> dishes and house cleaning. 
> It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a 
> clean house and dishes washed and put away.
> 
> The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to 
> do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 
> The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was 
> better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were 
> done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
> 
> The third man married a girl from Australia . He ordered her to keep the 
> house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals 
> on the table for every meal.
> He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't 
> see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down 
> and he could see 
> a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could 
> fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. 
> He still has some difficulty when he pees.
>


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## michael_aussie (26/1/11)




----------



## raven19 (28/1/11)

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic



Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic



Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous



Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada



Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders



Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson



Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google



Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985



Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton



Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind



Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods



Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed



Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary


----------



## needbeer (28/1/11)

*Lecture About Alcohol Abuse...*

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. He is asked where he is going, wandering the streets at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."


----------



## raven19 (31/1/11)

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.. 

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' 

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


----------



## raven19 (2/2/11)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."


----------



## Pennywise (2/2/11)

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks. 

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. 

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, 
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" 

So, she does. 

After she's finished, the biker says, 
"Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"


----------



## michael_aussie (2/2/11)

> > There was a knock on the door this morning
> > 
> > I opened it and there was a young man standing there
> who said:
> > 
> > "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
> > 
> > I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to
> talk about"?
> > 
> > He said, " Fucked if I know I've never got this far
> before"


----------



## raven19 (3/2/11)

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.


As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.


Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'


The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.


----------



## raven19 (3/2/11)

The Christmas Dolly



This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find

out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize!





As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. 

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. 

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. 

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. 
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. 

I kept my mouth shut. 

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. 

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.


----------



## Amber Fluid (3/2/11)

Never Question A Drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

* A half litre of milk

* A dozen eggs

* A bottle of orange juice

* A head of lettuce

* A 500g jar of coffee

* A package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'


----------



## michael_aussie (3/2/11)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. 

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.. 

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. 
.....
....
...
...
...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy 

'That little skinny O'Connor?,' says Sean, 'How could he do that to you? He must have had something in his hand.' 

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it.' 

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself ta same. Didn't you have something in your hand?' 

That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.' 

...
...
...
...
...


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. 

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.' 
...
...
...
...



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' 

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' 

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?' 

She says, 'That he did, Father.' 

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' 

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

...
...
...
....


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.


----------



## raven19 (4/2/11)

_Not very PC at all this one folks...
_



Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate
of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. 


The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. They start reminiscing. 


''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully. 


"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. 


"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other. 


''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' 


''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair
when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly. 


''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other. 


''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

"He would have been 18'', she whispers. 


"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school'' 


''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. 


After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"


----------



## raven19 (4/2/11)

Elton John was changing the nappy on his new son and he turned to his husband and said, He reminds me so much of you David. 

David says why, is it his cheeky little smile ? 

No says Elton. 

David asks is it his cute little nose ? 

No its not that says Elton. 

David says Then it must be the colour of his eyes.

No says Elton hes got shit on his dick.


----------



## raven19 (4/2/11)

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN 

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' 

The teacher sat down and cried


----------



## JestersDarts (6/2/11)

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his homemade wine under the stairs. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle and poured it too down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.


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## raven19 (9/2/11)

More Paddy Gold...

Paddy comes across a mass baptism at a river. He walks into the river n stands next to the preacher "R u ready to find Jesus my son?".. Paddy says "I am sir" 

Preacher puts him under the water then says "Hav u found Jesus?".. "No sir".. He puts him under for longer.. "Hav u found Jesus?".. "No sir"..

He

puts him under for 2 minutes!! "Hav u found Jesus?".. Paddy says "R U fuckin sure this is where he fell in?!!!!


----------



## raven19 (9/2/11)

*A young ventriloquist is doing the New Jersey night club scene. *


*With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb, blonde jokes.*

*Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"*

*The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the beautiful blonde yells:*

*"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"*


----------



## raven19 (9/2/11)

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think 

I should do?"

He scribbles back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid".


----------



## michael_aussie (9/2/11)

MY FAV JOKE


Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. 


Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. 



He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.



'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'




'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.' 



As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'



'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.



Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.


'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'



'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..


I'll be there. Thanks again.'



'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 



'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?' 






'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.


----------



## raven19 (14/2/11)

ENGINEERING JOKE



Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.



Pascal is nowhere to be seen.



Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.



Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"



Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. 

You've found Pascal!"


----------



## michael_aussie (14/2/11)

Read the first 2 posts.

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f11/96-jeep...inions-1149721/

The guy who repled is a champ!!!


----------



## Leigh (15/2/11)

michael_aussie said:


> Read the first 2 posts.
> 
> http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f11/96-jeep...inions-1149721/
> 
> The guy who repled is a champ!!!



lmao...just sent it to the gf lol


----------



## raven19 (15/2/11)

Better than a Flu Shot! 



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. 



She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. 



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. 



She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. 



As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, 



the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. 



The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! 



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. 



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 




'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 




'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'


----------



## raven19 (15/2/11)

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! 


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner. 
'Good morning,' he says. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 
'Go away!' I said.'I haven't got any dough! 'I'm broke!' and 
proceeded to close the door. 
Quick as a flash the young bloke wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 
'Don't be too hasty!' he says. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto my hallway carpet. 
'If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' 
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite mate because they cut off my electricity this morning......What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'


----------



## michael_aussie (15/2/11)

Marriage (Part I ) 
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and 
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time 
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. 
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless 
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. 
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing 
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you 
give me a hard time about it 
Those are my rules. Any comments?' 

His new bride said: 
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex 
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.' 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* 

Marriage (Part II) 


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! 

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!' 

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!' 


************ ********* ********* ********* ** 
Marriage (Part III) 


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. 

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no 
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. 

After some time he realizes he was nasty and 
decides to make amends and rings her up. 

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' 

She says, 'I was in bed.' 

'In bed this early, doing what?' 

'Getting a second opinion!' 



************ ********* ********* ********* ** 

Marriage (Part IV) 


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. 

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his 
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. 
The man decides that it IS time to go home and 
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. 
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?' 

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, 
shout s right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' 


************ ********* ********* ********* ** 

THE SILENT TREATMENT 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment 

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife 
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece 
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 A M.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. 

Furious, he was abou! t to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


----------



## schooey (15/2/11)

raven19 said:


> ENGINEERING JOKE
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hahahahahahaha....

It's an Engineers thing I guess


----------



## raven19 (17/2/11)

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER" 



Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me, 

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. 



Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea, 

Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee. 



First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last! 

My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.  



Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way; 

He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day ! 



And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap. 

If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap ! 



Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;  

He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length. 



So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree. 

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. 



And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease ! 

He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease. 



The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes. 

When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes.. 



And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two; 

When he arrives at the crease then only six will do. 



Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about; 

And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out !  



We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock, 

He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock. 



So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me: 

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. 



And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;  

And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash. 



If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score; 

Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before ! 



The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke, 

He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke. 



Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup; 

You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up ! 



So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me: 

!!!! NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE !!!!!


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (17/2/11)

The difference between a mining company and the priesthood

one puts miners in a shaft, the other puts shafts in minors


----------



## michael_aussie (18/2/11)

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. 
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. 
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" 
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? 

a) Sparrow 
B) Thrush, 
c) Magpie, 
d) Cuckoo?" 

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ." 
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. 
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?" 
"I'm fookin sure." 
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." 
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. 
"Dat it is." 
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" 
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"


----------



## googe (20/2/11)

Theres 2 snakes slithering through the grass, one says to the other; are we poisonous? i dunno says his mate why? I just bit my tounge.


----------



## raven19 (20/2/11)

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to aXmas fancy dress party.He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his woodenleg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain hisproblem. A few days later he receives a parcel with anote:
Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spottedhandkerchief will cover your bald head and with your woodenleg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man isoffended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so hewrites a letter of complaint.. A week passes and hereceives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed amonk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg andwith your bald head you will really look the part. The manis really incandescent with rage now, because the companyhas gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawingattention to his bald head. So he writes a really strongletter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very smallparcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your baldhead, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arseand go as a toffee apple.


----------



## raven19 (20/2/11)

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum! 
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'

'I do not understand,' said the other. 
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street , and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out. 
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish...' 

I said, 'No shit?!


----------



## raven19 (20/2/11)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway 
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....
It reads: 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES 

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and 
drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS 
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are 
for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into 
the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell . The 
door is answered by a nun in a long black 
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway 
and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led 
through many winding passages and is soon quite 
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells 
the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding 
a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please 
place $100 in the cup then go through the large 
wooden door at the end of the hallway.' 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall 
and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the 
parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. 
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE 
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. 
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


----------



## raven19 (21/2/11)

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.  Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. 
Usually she slept through the class.. 
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil & jabbed her in the rear. 
 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. 
The Nun said, 'Very good' & continued teaching her class. 
 A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord & Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. 
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue & stuck her in the butt. 
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. 
& the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' & Susie fell back asleep. 
 The Nun asked her a 3rd question...
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?' 
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. 
This time Susie jumped up & shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more time, I'll break it in half!' 

The nun fainted.............


----------



## raven19 (21/2/11)

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today..' 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 

'So bust him,' says the Chief. 

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. 

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. 

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.' 

Chief: ' A senator?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.' 

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.' 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' 

Cop: 'I think it's God!' 

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' 

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'


----------



## raven19 (21/2/11)

Today's word is................. Fluctuations 

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke. 

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"


----------



## antains (21/2/11)

raven19 said:


> ENGINEERING JOKE
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Now I learned two bits of science just so I could get that joke...


----------



## michael_aussie (21/2/11)




----------



## raven19 (22/2/11)

_The Department of Labor

_The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. 

_Department of Labor employee:_ I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

_Farmer:_ Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, 
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

_Department of Labor employee:_ That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one.

_Farmer:_ That would be me.


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## raven19 (22/2/11)

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they
had been married.



She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking
Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.



The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'



Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.


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## antains (22/2/11)

raven19 said:


> After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
> 
> 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
> 
> ...




I think this is one of my favourite jokes that I've seen on here. Happy to see it reposted... :icon_cheers:


----------



## sandjeep457 (23/2/11)

Earthquake

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS PORT ADELAIDE:

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of yesterday morning, with the epicentre in Port Adelaide, SA.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Port Adelaide Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. one resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Home Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Port Power jerseys,
jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.

Items most needed include: baseball caps, flannelette shirts, thongs and tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Yiros' , McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of Woodstock Bourbon or Bacardi Breezers.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered fish, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas


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## raven19 (24/2/11)

Ole & Lena

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked

if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them
a nice meal at noontime.

After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You were so kind to
us; we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter."

"What's the bad news?" asked Ole.

"Well, your farm is right on the state line," the surveyors said, "and
after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in
Minnesota. It's actually in Iowa."

"That's the best news I've had in a long time," said Ole. "I was just
telling Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter
In Minnesota!"


----------



## brett mccluskey (26/2/11)

A husband finishes reading a book called"Be the MAN of your house".He says to his wife"From now on ,my word is LAW !".Tonight you will cook me a magnificent meal,followed by a sumptuous dessert.After that,we will have sex the way I want,then you will draw me a hot bath.I will bathe,you will wash me.You will then dry me and put my bathrobe on me ,and then i will relax on my favourite recliner where you will massage my feet and neck.And tomorrow morning.....guess who's going to dress me and brush my hair?"The wife looks at him and says..."******* funeral director would be my first guess!"


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## raven19 (2/3/11)

Bath Night



A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire...... 

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. 

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... 

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: 
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.." 

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: 

"Do you shave?" 

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?" 

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless. 

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: 

"Did you see it?" 

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." 

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!


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## raven19 (3/3/11)

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


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## ben_sa (8/3/11)

A study found the average aussie walks 900 miles a year another study found we also drink on average 22 gallons of beer a year that means the average aussie gets about 41 miles per gallon how ******* good is that!!


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## Maple (8/3/11)

ben_sa said:


> A study found the average aussie walks 900 miles a year another study found we also drink on average 22 gallons of beer a year that means the average aussie gets about 41 miles per gallon how ******* good is that!!


22 gallons a year... crap, that must put me in the heavy-duty range. I figure taking the assumption i would walk the 900 miles, and added in my average 'fuel refills' and I come in way under at 7.2mpg.... sounds way better than 3.06 km/l or 1.72 cornies per 100km.

better get brewin'


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## ben_sa (8/3/11)

thats like smart-car average..

Me, Im more like a 56 chev with a stinking big block...


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## raven19 (10/3/11)

A Washington DC 'travel agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' the USA is in 
trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an 
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the 
window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard 
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. 
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport 
information, and then he interrupted me with,''I'm not trying to make 
you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod 
is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click.

3.. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about 
a Florida package we did. 
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's 
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a 
very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is 
it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.'' 
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and 
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . 
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in 
Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas 
was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to 
save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She 
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. 
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she 
couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do 
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose 
luggage belongs to whom?'' 
I said, 'No, why do you ask?' 
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag 
on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very 
rude!'' 
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was 
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , 
CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a 
destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a 
trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to 
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright 
from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my 
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to 
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer 
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. 
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about 
the documents she needed in order to fly to China
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she 
needed a visa. 
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have 
one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. 
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times 
and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, 
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York. 
''I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the 
name of the town?'' 
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. 
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked 
up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." 
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' 
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You 
don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED


----------



## raven19 (10/3/11)

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.


A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.


Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. 


The man couldn't stand the curiosity.


He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this".
"Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"


The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."


A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."


----------



## Eater (10/3/11)

Dude, now your reposting same jokes that appear on the same page  

raven19
Mar 3 2011, 02:22 PM
"Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as.........."

Although your standard and quality of other jokes is great, keep em coming.


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## raven19 (10/3/11)

Oh fark! Whoops, I usually delete them from the email once I have posted them here. My bad! (just deleted the repeat post)

----

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped, the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one. The left pront tyre is bald. The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

 "God man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied........."I fell out off the pucken ting about half an hour ago!"


----------



## dcx3 (10/3/11)

No doubt youve heard this one 

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?

Enough to kill two and a half men! Boom Boom


----------



## JestersDarts (10/3/11)

raven19 said:


> Bath Night
> 
> 
> 
> ...




LOL!!

Darts.

Classic.


----------



## haysie (11/3/11)

COLLINGWOOD FLOOD VICTIMS NEED ASSISTANCE - PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY. 
> 
> Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.
> 
> Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.
> 
> Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.
> 
> Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
> 
> The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Yarra Blvd. 
> 
> One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'
> 
> Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
> 
> The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.
> 
> HOW CAN YOU HELP?
> 
> This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
> 
> Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
> 
> Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
> 
> Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


its all in fun n taking the piss out of collingwood.


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## michael_aussie (11/3/11)

http://www.break.com/index/funny-beer-comm...ist-ending.html


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## marksfish (11/3/11)

haysie said:


> COLLINGWOOD FLOOD VICTIMS NEED ASSISTANCE - PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
> >
> > Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.
> >
> ...




i will donate some used dentures


----------



## bconnery (11/3/11)

haysie said:


> COLLINGWOOD FLOOD VICTIMS NEED ASSISTANCE - PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
> >
> > Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.
> >
> ...



Who cares as long as our premeriership cup is alright. 
Go Pies!

Didn't I see this email recently in relation to Port Adelaide or somewhere similar? Bogans are everywhere I guess


----------



## shaunbrew (13/3/11)

GUTS OR BALLS.........
There is a medical distinction. we have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do youreally kn ow the difference between them???
in an effort to keep you informed the definitions are listed below:

GUTS~ is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife holding a broom, and having the guts to ask" are you still cleaning, or are you flying away somewhere??"

BALLS~ is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar :beerbang: :beerbang: , slapping your wife on the ass and saying "YOUR NEXT FATTY."


----------



## raven19 (13/3/11)

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging 
about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always 
fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be 
in the bloody boat.


----------



## raven19 (13/3/11)

(not) My Daughter

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my stereo, phone, makeup and jewellery to Vinnies. Take my front door key and throw me out of the house". 

Well she didn't actually put it like that... she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."


----------



## raven19 (18/3/11)

> A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
> 
> The first little boy says, "Alligator."
> "Very good, that's a big word."
> 
> The second boy says, "Predator."
> "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
> 
> Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
> After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
> "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
> "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!


----------



## raven19 (18/3/11)

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


----------



## warra48 (18/3/11)

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace sit listening to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?"


----------



## raven19 (21/3/11)

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and Welcome the new guy to the region. 
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running Around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. 
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to Knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man Urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and Then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
And says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? 
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around The yard after hens The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you
have Your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says,
'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian,
I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.'


----------



## raven19 (21/3/11)

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.


She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'


----------



## raven19 (21/3/11)

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.


After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.



'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.


They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.



'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog. 



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. 

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.



She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you can f%ck off !!


----------



## raven19 (22/3/11)

from Jimmy Fallon...referring to Prince William's bachelor party: 


"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's g-string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (22/3/11)

Confucious Says:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets 
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS NO SAY. . .

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood.


----------



## argon (23/3/11)

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."


----------



## raven19 (25/3/11)

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. 
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father. 
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in
favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him. 
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
had experienced none. 
She and her husband were ecstatic. 

When they got home they found the postman unconscious on the porch.


----------



## raven19 (25/3/11)

Man said to wife "All right you sexy thing, bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."



He said, "No, seriously, the footys about to start, piss off!


----------



## Yob (27/3/11)

he had me interested till the music and misty fade out with him eye raping the system.. :unsure:


----------



## raven19 (30/3/11)




----------



## raven19 (30/3/11)

Public Feeding

A man was riding the bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby. The
baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ...I'll
give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she
said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. 
Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


----------



## QldKev (30/3/11)

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and true. 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
- Why the early bird gets the worm; 
- Life isn't always fair; 
- and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 
I Know My Rights 
I Want It Now 
Someone Else Is To Blame 
I'm A Victim 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


----------



## michael_aussie (31/3/11)

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary 



Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year. Mick said, Lets hope its not the 13th then. 



My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak 



Ive been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. 



The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer....
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"


My wife told me last night that she is fed up with me pushing her around and talking behind her back... She's in a b****dy wheel chair for goodness sake !!


Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure inspiration............McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 ! 



Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?" 
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?" 
Because he was watching through the window!. 



Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa... Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake! 


Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home. 



The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind..
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!


----------



## Fodder (1/4/11)

michael_aussie said:


> The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
> "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
> "Yes it is" I replied.
> "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer....
> "I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"




Thats Gold! ROLFMAO :lol:


----------



## Eater (4/4/11)

Thanks MA, made the offices day


----------



## warra48 (9/4/11)

Very amusing.


----------



## peas_and_corn (9/4/11)

That was fantastic.


----------



## raven19 (13/4/11)

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady 
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her 
that her hair smells nice. 

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her 
complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and 
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: 
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you 
that your hair smells nice?" 

The woman replies, "It's Keith... The midget."


----------



## raven19 (13/4/11)

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Port Macquarie , Australia . 
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini..
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.
Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please..' 
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. 
Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'


----------



## raven19 (13/4/11)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.


----------



## raven19 (13/4/11)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) 
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? 
Contestant: Homosexuals. 
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you 








BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) 
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? 
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. 
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. 
Contestant: Leicester 









BBC NORFOLK 
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? 
Contestant: I don't know. 
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? 
Contestant: Arm 
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...? 
Contestant: Strong. 
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? 
Contestant: Louis 
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? 
Contestant: Frank Sinatra? 






LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS ) 
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? 
Contestant: France 
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. 
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. 
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? 
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. 
Trelinski: Just guess a country then. 
Contestant: Paris 






THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) 
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? 
Contestant: The Conservative Party. 






BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) 
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? 
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? 






UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE 
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? 
Contestant: Goosey? 






GWR FM ( Bristol ) 
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ? 
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. 






PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER ) 
Phil: What's 11 squared? 
Contestant: I don't know. 
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. 
Contestant: Is it five? 






RICHARD AND JUDY 
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? 
Contestant: Forrest Gump. 






RICHARD AND JUDY 
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? 
Contestant: Er. .. ... 
Richard: He makes bread . . .. 
Contestant: Er . ..... 
Richard: He makes cakes . . .. 
Contestant: Kipling Street ? 






LINCS FM PHONE-IN 
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? 
Contestant: Barcelona 
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. 
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain 






NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) 
Question: What is the world's largest continent? 
Contestant: The Pacific. 






ROCK FM ( PRESTON ) 
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. 
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 






THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) 
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? 
Contestant: Magna Carta? 






JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) 
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? 
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three? 









CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) 
Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna? 
Caller: Japan 
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. 
Caller: Er ..... Mexico ? 






PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) 
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast? 
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. 






DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) 
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? 
Contestant: Holland ? 
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. 
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ? 
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? 
Contestant: No. 






PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) 
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? 
Contestant: Er. ... ... 
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . . 
Contestant: Blimey? 
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .... 
Contestant: (Silence) 
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .. 
Contestant: Walked? 






THE VAULT 
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? 
Contestant: Nostalgia. 






LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) 
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? 
Contestant: Jewish. 
Presenter: That's close enough. 






STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) 
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? 
Contestant: Jesus.


----------



## raven19 (13/4/11)

> A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
>
> Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
>
> Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
>
> After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
>
> "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
>
> The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
>
> "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.
>>
> "My Rolex!"


----------



## michael_aussie (14/4/11)

The good old days.
















and two others


----------



## peaky (15/4/11)

warra48 said:


> Very amusing.




Bahahaha! That reminds me of all the English comedy I used to watch. I so much prefer it to the American 'humor'.


----------



## peaky (15/4/11)

Anyways, I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger in my arse.


Do you think I should change dentists?


----------



## raven19 (18/4/11)

Your Duck is Dead



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.



After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."



The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"



"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..



"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.



The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."



The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 150!" she cried, 

150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"



The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 150."


----------



## michael_aussie (18/4/11)

While we're on ducks.......................

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. 
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! 
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. 
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. 
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' 

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.. 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. 

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... 








(scroll down) 











NO, The duck didn't say THAT 







... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said.... 






'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!!! !


----------



## Zizzle (19/4/11)




----------



## jyo (29/4/11)

I know, these are old ones, but I got a chuckle.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. 
They charged one and let the other one off.


A man walked into the pshychiatric clinic wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The Psych said, "Well, I can clearly see your're nuts".


----------



## raven19 (2/5/11)

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't F**^%*' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . ..


----------



## Pennywise (2/5/11)

:lol: Quite funny, I could see that red neck on tele (60mins?) the other night saying that


----------



## Crusty (2/5/11)

From facebook:

Elton John has been asked to play at Osama's funeral,
Sandals in the bin


----------



## spog (2/5/11)

rotflmao top shelf....cheers......spog.......


Crusty said:


> From facebook:
> 
> Elton John has been asked to play at Osama's funeral,
> Sandals in the bin


----------



## Zizzle (3/5/11)




----------



## unrealeous (3/5/11)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Samoan, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist , a Malaysian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


----------



## michael_aussie (6/5/11)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qi...08073805AAPpdDu


a dumb question and a clever reply


----------



## michael_aussie (6/5/11)

cool gizmos


----------



## michael_aussie (6/5/11)

crazy fish


----------



## michael_aussie (6/5/11)

some tits, some arses and an upskirt..... the world is sweet.


----------



## Ivan Other One (9/5/11)

The death of Osama and his son has brought a whole new meaning to,,,,

Taking the Bins out.


----------



## raven19 (9/5/11)

*Scottish Soldier(s) ... Who says Scots are tight?*

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.



Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, carefully he unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.



The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.



"How much to repair it?" the Scot seriously asks the chemist.



"Six pence", says the chemist casually.



"How much for a new one?"



"Ten pence", says the chemist.



The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.



A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater roar of voices.



The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.



"The regiment has taken a vote", he says.



"We'll have a new one."


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (12/5/11)

michael_aussie said:


> cool gizmos





Sooooooooooooooooooooo cool!!!


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (12/5/11)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> Sooooooooooooooooooooo cool!!!





........................................But probably in the wrong thread.


----------



## AlwayzLoozeCount (13/5/11)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> ........................................But probably in the wrong thread.



When I read your name it's always in a scotish accent in my own head. Not sure why.


----------



## michael_aussie (15/5/11)

Apologies to the politically correct, but here are some funnies ...... and they are GOLD





I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.



Treasure Wayne Swan announced this week he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.



I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.

They're called knee-grows



A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. 

They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. 

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" 

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" Husband says "That's not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"



A young Arab asks his father: -

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Footscray?



My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. 

I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.

A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.



Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"

Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."

Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."



I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!

She hasn't forgotten my beer, my dinner or sex once since the first beating.



Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.



A farmer gets a phone call from his son. 

"Dad"! I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive... shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call... done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike.





Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.. said it was a mortar attack.





Fernando Torres was famous but not as famous as his brother Clit





An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Dandenong. 

The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!





Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"





A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? 

The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!





The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .

They said they were delicious!



My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, with my roger out, that I realised all she wanted was to rent her spare room out!!


----------



## spog (16/5/11)

went to a seafood restuarant for tea tonight,asked for the crab and bugger me dead when the waitress presented the dish to me,the crab had a tattoo on it's arm that said,


i ate osama...............cheers.....spog.


----------



## peas_and_corn (17/5/11)

Wait, the crab was called spog?


----------



## spog (17/5/11)

ummmm well no errr .....cheers.......spog...


----------



## michael_aussie (17/5/11)

spog said:


> went to a seafood restuarant for tea tonight,asked for the crab and bugger me dead when the waitress presented the dish to me,the crab had a tattoo on it's arm that said,
> 
> 
> i ate osama...............cheers.....spog.


i don't get it....


----------



## peas_and_corn (17/5/11)

Crabs get tattoos when they eat.


----------



## Cog's (17/5/11)

About time we had a bad one

A grass hopper walks in to a bar
the bar tender says, Hey we got a drink named after you.
The grass hopper says, What Gerald?


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (18/5/11)

AlwayzLoozeCount said:


> When I read your name it's always in a scotish accent in my own head. Not sure why.



Mmmmmm..................Now I have to admit that is a wee bit........unusual!


----------



## michael_aussie (18/5/11)

peas_and_corn said:


> Crabs get tattoos when they eat.


i'm still no closer


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (20/5/11)

Osamaś body was dumped at sea.... The crabs ate his body..


Now do you get it :icon_cheers:


----------



## raven19 (20/5/11)

Best Aussie Yarn

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.

This was the winner: 

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. 

One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?" 

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." 

"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"


----------



## michael_aussie (20/5/11)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Osamaś body was dumped at sea.... The crabs ate his body..
> 
> 
> Now do you get it :icon_cheers:




lol .... well ... kinda......

but if that is it ... never mind.....


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (23/5/11)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Osamaś body was dumped at sea.... The crabs ate his body..
> 
> 
> Now do you get it :icon_cheers:


 :blink: ....and.......Crabs get tattooed when they eat........................ :blink:


----------



## raven19 (25/5/11)

3 Great Kings

Teacher: 

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have

brought happiness and peace into people's lives? 


Little Johnny answered: 

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.


----------



## bradsbrew (25/5/11)

NSW have a rugby league team :lol: . If that aint a continuing joke I dont know what is.


----------



## michael_aussie (29/5/11)

3 things you shouldn't say in a gay bar, f**k me dead its hot in here, can i bum a fag, may i push your stool in.





A blonde is out by the pool with a friend and the friend notices that she has a tattoo on the inside of her thigh. She inquires about it and the blonde replies "It's a seashell - and if you hold your ear to it, you can smell the ocean!"...


----------



## bowie in space (30/5/11)

michael_aussie said:


> 3 things you shouldn't say in a gay bar, f**k me dead its hot in here, can i bum a fag, may i push your stool in.
> 
> 
> Probably shouldn't toss anyone for the next round either


----------



## raven19 (30/5/11)

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 75!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 66 ..... so it's not far to walk!

...


Subject: Italian Gentleman
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''


----------



## raven19 (31/5/11)

*Irish Mirror*

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed and, every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it. 

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror ................................................................................
..........

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'


----------



## raven19 (31/5/11)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." 


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, 


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. 


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. 


He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. 


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.." 


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. 
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. 


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results . 


The computer prints the following: 


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer. 
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! 

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


----------



## michael_aussie (31/5/11)

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes 
across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, 
although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. 

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 



'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. 

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 

'No problem,' he says. And in they go. 


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. 


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. 

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. 


No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. 


Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. 



His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. 

He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. 


So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. 



Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence. 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. 

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... 

Suddenly the father shouted.... 
'I'll do the ******* dishes!!!


----------



## raven19 (1/6/11)

Communication problems?


It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.


He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.


Maria said, "Screw her."


Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?


----------



## QldKev (6/6/11)

Baked Beans 

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. 

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. 

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went 
to answer the call. 

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. 

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. 

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. 
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" 

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## petesbrew (8/6/11)

Be careful about buying anything on E-Bay.

I just spent 50-bucks on E-Bay, for a Penis Enlarger. 

Those bastards simply sent me a magnifying glass. The Instructions said, "Don't use in the sun."


----------



## raven19 (8/6/11)

> A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
> Officer: Why not?
>
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
> Officer: You what?
>
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you 
> want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and 
> calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A 
> senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! T he 
> woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car 
> and murdered the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> The officer is quite stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving 
> license.
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands 
> it to the officer.
>
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't 
> have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and 
> hacked up the owner..
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


----------



## petesbrew (8/6/11)

raven19 said:


> > A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> >
> > Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> >
> ...


Hey you know, I'm gonna try that...


----------



## peas_and_corn (8/6/11)

It's a crime to lie to a police officer. Their story will always be believed in a 'my story verses his story' case.


----------



## petesbrew (8/6/11)

peas_and_corn said:


> It's a crime to lie to a police officer. Their story will always be believed in a 'my story verses his story' case.


Come on, P&C. You're 500 posts ahead of me, in a joke thread and you respond with that?


----------



## peas_and_corn (8/6/11)

I have a post count? I really don't care.


----------



## RobH (9/6/11)

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station 
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with 
little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the 
middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to 
a dog and a cat.

The fireman walks over to take a closer look, 'That's a lovely
fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one
of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's
testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fireman, 'I don't want to tell 
you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, 
I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the 
dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says, 
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*%#*@% siren, would I?'


----------



## kocken42 (17/6/11)

My friend went to the doctor's the other day,

While waiting patiently in the waiting room, he noticed a little girl playing with a Ken doll and Barbie doll,

My friend smirked when he saw that she was rubbing them together in a sex-like motion,

He went over to the little girl and said, "You know, your Barbie might get pregnant if you keep doing that."

The little girl stops and looks at my friend and replies "No she won't! He's f*%king her up the ar$e!"


----------



## spog (17/6/11)

a little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider.
"what do want a glass of cider for?"asked her mum.
"ive got a cut on my hand from a thorn" explains the girl. "
"so why the cider"
"well i overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand,she feels a lot better when it's in cider"


..........cheers..........spog.......


----------



## ben_sa (18/6/11)

Went down the pub with my girlfriend last night, All the locals were shouting out "pedo" and other names... Just because she is 21 and im 48...

It completely spoiled our 10 year anniversary...


----------



## ben_sa (18/6/11)

Ive just tied the knot and Im so happy...

Now ive just got to kick the chair she's standing on and Im a free man!


----------



## raven19 (20/6/11)

LITTLE RALPHY


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 
She calls on little Ralphy. 


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' 


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' 


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. 


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: 


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. 
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. 


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. 
Which one is married?' 


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' 


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' 



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2) 


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 


'Why?' asks the father? 

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 


'But that's right!' says his dad. 


'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 


'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father. 


'That's what I said!' 



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH 


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' 


RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..' 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' 


Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.' 



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) 


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. 


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 


'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' 


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'' 



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER 


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. 
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' 


Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' 


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' 
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.


----------



## raven19 (22/6/11)

Bud Light

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ... Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


----------



## michael_aussie (23/6/11)

raven19 said:


> Bud Light
> 
> A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ... Doctor: "What happened?"
> Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
> ...


many a true word in that joke....


----------



## michael_aussie (25/6/11)

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."


----------



## raven19 (27/6/11)

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer
and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."


----------



## michael_aussie (27/6/11)

AGING GIRLFRIENDS

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner.

Finally they agreed they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because
the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine
selection was excellent.

Ten years on at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View Restaurant because there they could eat in peace and quiet and the
restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the
Ocean View Restaurant because the Restaurant was wheel chair accessible
and even had an elevator.

Ten years on at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean 
View Restaurant because they had never been there before.


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (27/6/11)

Russell, the poofta homosexual, goes into the doctor's office
and has some tests run. 

The doctor comes back and says,
' Russell , I'm not going to beat around the bush. 
You have AIDS.' 

Russell is devastated.. 'Doc, what can I do? 

Eat 1 curry sausage, 
1 head of Cabbage, 
20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 
10 Jalapeno Peppers, 
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 
1/2 box Of All Bran, 
And top it off with a litre of prune juice..' 

Russell asks bewildered, 
' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, 
but it should leave you
with a better understanding 
of what your ARSE is for.


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (27/6/11)

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and

prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

He then decided to write a letter to God requesting

the $100.When the postal authorities received the

letter addressed to God, Australia they decided to

send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary

to send the little boy a $5 note. She thought this would

appear to be a lot of moneyto a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down

to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money .. 

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it 
through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch
took $95 in taxes


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (27/6/11)

Aussie Bush Etiquette‏:


In General: 

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview... 

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 

4.  If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral. 

Eating Out: 

1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. 

Entertaining at Home: 

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.. 

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. 

Personal Hygiene: 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. 

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. 

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette: 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 

Weddings: 

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. 

Driving Etiquette: 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


----------



## michael_aussie (27/6/11)

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the heck is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"


----------



## raven19 (28/6/11)

A man goes into Angus & Robertson's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, 
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title." 

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." 

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."


----------



## raven19 (30/6/11)

THE TAXMAN COMETH 

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'


'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!'


----------



## raven19 (30/6/11)

Some news ones in here, mainly old ones though...


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.


----------



## raven19 (4/7/11)

The Indian With One Testicle 

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. 

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me that again I will kill them!' 

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. 

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die! 


Why ??? 






Everyone knows... 




You can't kill Two Birds 




with OneStone!!!


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (4/7/11)

I think this thread has evolved over time.

It started out being the thread for all thos little jokes you hear that dont need a thread of their own.

Then for a while it morphed into the "Humour & Jokes thread" within the "Humour & Jokes thread"

Slowly it has morphed again and now its the "Raven19 - Humour and jokes warehouse" thread.

 

"Everything must goooo!"


----------



## DKS (4/7/11)

More jokes! more jokes!
Whilst there have been ups and downs and some less than appropriate jokes along the way this thread has been great. Even reading the really old clangers and groaners. I say keep em comin Raven and anyone else who has a few.

I just wish I could remember a few to tell from time to time.(Should give up the drink I spose.............. nah, bad idea.)
Daz


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (4/7/11)

DKS said:


> More jokes! more jokes!
> Whilst there have been ups and downs and some less than appropriate jokes along the way this thread has been great. Even reading the really old clangers and groaners. I say keep em comin Raven and anyone else who has a few.
> 
> I just wish I could remember a few to tell from time to time.(Should give up the drink I spose.............. nah, bad idea.)
> Daz



I check this thread every day. As you say some clangers, some groaners but also some beauties.

A few of my favourite jokes I roll out at every party came from this thread.

Just saying, Raven would have to be the top supplier for the warehouse


----------



## raven19 (5/7/11)

(read with an irish accent)


Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' 


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. 



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. 



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. 



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..' 



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. 



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. 



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' 



THERE'S MORE... 





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. 



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. 



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. 



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. 



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. 



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body. 



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' 





IT IS NOT OVER YET... 





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears. 



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. 



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. 



Once more Paddy shakes his head. 



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'


----------



## raven19 (5/7/11)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> ...Just saying, Raven would have to be the top supplier for the warehouse



I just post up what others send me on the emails! I hope some people get a grin from them, and yes many of them are shockers!


----------



## RobH (5/7/11)

the jokes that I send others on email more than often come from this thread


----------



## petesbrew (6/7/11)

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .. One took a window seat
and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get
up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it
for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good.. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine
obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This
hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


----------



## raven19 (10/7/11)

One Night in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and wake up in jail... only to find they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. The jailers all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

The jailers throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from TEXAS A&M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering. I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.


----------



## Ivan Other One (10/7/11)

The funny thing about that is that relates to a true story about a friend who worked the night shift at at two shift business up here.

Mate, (to protect his innocenence) used to buy a two litre bottle of coke at the start of his night shift. Maybe drink half and leave the rest in the fridge at work.

Started to notice that some coke was missing at the start of his next shift.
After a week of this he thought ,RIGHT, near the end of the night shift he showed a mate the level of coke in the bottle, went into the duuny and topped it up a bit.
at the end of each night shift he would top it up and for the next week he noticed someone had been 'sampling his coke' Word had spread arround through all the night shift crew as well as most of the day shift crew except for the day shift foreman and his son.

Said foreman was then told about this by my mate and spat the dummy.

Mate simply laughed in his face stating that what he does to his own property is his own business.


Great for workplace moral that one. :lol:


----------



## michael_aussie (11/7/11)

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said: 
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


----------



## Ivan Other One (12/7/11)

Was talking to a girl at the pub last night when I said to her,

"You remind me of my Little toe"


She asked "Is that because I'm small and cute?'

I said "No, it's 'coz I'll probably end up banging you on the coffe table."......


----------



## michael_aussie (14/7/11)

Ivan Other One said:


> Was talking to a girl at the pub last night when I said to her,
> 
> "You remind me of my Little toe"
> 
> ...


that is funny








While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime minister. 

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Turtle." 

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, "What's a Post Turtle?" 

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post Turtle." 

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 

"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put her up there in the first place."


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (15/7/11)

Noni Hazelhurst read Go the **** to sleep


----------



## michael_aussie (15/7/11)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Noni Hazelhurst read Go the **** to sleep



all parents can identify with this one...


----------



## michael_aussie (16/7/11)

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken 
> off their car videos: 
> 
> 
> 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went 
> through." 
> 
> 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch 
> after you wear them a while." 
> 
> 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a 
> worthless document." (My Favorite) 
> 
> 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 
> 
> 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed 
> of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 
> 
> 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write 
> anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 
> 
> 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it 
> will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 
> 
> 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again 
> or I'll give you another ticket." 
> 
> 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk 
> or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 
> 
> 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to 
> ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs".
> 
> 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster 
> oven." 
> 
> 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime 
> Information Center ) 
> 
> 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 
> 
> 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're 
> allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 
> 
> 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of 
> yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." 
> 
> AND THE WINNER IS.... 
> 
> 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we 
> don't. Sign here."


----------



## michael_aussie (18/7/11)

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Fiji.





One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer





I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.





A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lakeland, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets





A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"





Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!





Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.





The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my garden hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.





You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly in school zones


----------



## raven19 (22/7/11)

Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day, he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months, he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night, the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and, as they dance, he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight ?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luiggi. I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know ?"

Luiggi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them ?"

Next, he asks Rosa to dance and, after a few minutes, he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight ?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luiggi. I do, but how do you know that ?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them ?"

Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance, his face turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight.

Please, please, tella me this true !!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Luiggi. Ia wear no panties tonight !!"

Luiggi gasps, "Thanka God ...I thoughta I had a CRACK ina my $300 Armani leather shoes !!"


----------



## michael_aussie (23/7/11)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me, and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."


----------



## michael_aussie (23/7/11)

Overcoming Depression:
After both suffering from severe depression, 
my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday.
Strangely enough
, after she killed herself, 
I started to feel a lot better and thought................
**** it, I'll try to make a go of it!!!


----------



## DennisKing (23/7/11)

Found a hole in my trainer yesterday that I could get my finger in. Trouble is she complained so they have kicked my out of the gym.


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (27/7/11)




----------



## Ivan Other One (29/7/11)

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about the missing items from her washing line.

I nearly shit in her pants.


----------



## Leigh (29/7/11)

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with trembling
hands, read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've
been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you
would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight
Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the
meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can
get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm
sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,

Your son, Joshua

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on the kitchen table. Call me when it is safe for me to come
home.


----------



## Amber Fluid (29/7/11)

Ivan Other One said:


> My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about the missing items from her washing line.
> 
> I nearly shit in her pants.




LMFAO ahahahaaa that's a ripper!!! :super: 

====================================

*DO you fart in bed?
*THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S 
HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. 

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. 

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. 

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. 

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. 

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. 

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN


----------



## spog (29/7/11)

thanks for a good friday arvo laugh.....cheers.....spog.......


Ivan Other One said:


> My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about the missing items from her washing line.
> 
> I nearly shit in her pants.


----------



## Mantis (29/7/11)

Mum and her young kids were driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo jumped out of the truck and hit the car windscreen. 
Mum, thinking quickly and to hide her embarrassment said "my that was a big insect"
The young son replies "With a cock that big, I am surprised the fucken thing could fly"


----------



## AlwayzLoozeCount (30/7/11)

My mate asked me what ring tone I had...........
I said i'd never looked but probably light brown.


----------



## spog (31/7/11)

gunna use that one for sure....good one......cheers......spog........


AlwayzLoozeCount said:


> My mate asked me what ring tone I had...........
> I said i'd never looked but probably light brown.


----------



## Ivan Other One (1/8/11)

AlwayzLoozeCount said:


> My mate asked me what ring tone I had...........
> I said i'd never looked but probably light brown.




LMAO,,,, Beauty.


----------



## raven19 (4/8/11)

THE BROTHEL

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.

There were four men ...

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill..

What were the nationalities of the four men?



* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish

.
.
.
.



* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!


----------



## raven19 (9/8/11)

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch
drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. 
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed."


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (11/8/11)

Definition of ecstacy



An Emo in a knife shop


----------



## petesbrew (16/8/11)

Amber Fluid said:


> *DO you fart in bed?
> *THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
> HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
> 
> ...



Got tears in my eyes from this one! Brilliant!


----------



## michael_aussie (22/8/11)

Be thankful!


The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or
putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts
from the forms... Be sure to check out number 11. It takes 1st prize and
#3 is runner up.

1. Regarding. The identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being 
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and! see if 
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time . Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe ! it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night was a blur. The only thing I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, I might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support the
above winners.


----------



## michael_aussie (22/8/11)

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, WA ...
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She 
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to 
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl 
that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to 
the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told 
him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the 
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then 
told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could 
help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry 
woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, 
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the 
Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove 
old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment 
facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies 
they turned me down!!"


----------



## Mikedub (23/8/11)

Wiremu, a New Zealander, lived in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the 
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"


----------



## michael_aussie (24/8/11)

Chili at Medicine Bow 


A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming . 
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded 
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young 
cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind If I do?' 
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in 
his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' 
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his 
place and starts spooning it in with delight. 
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. 
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back 
into the bowl. 
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'


----------



## Malted (25/8/11)

*Dead cow lecture at Veterinary School:*

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. 

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". 

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."


----------



## michael_aussie (28/8/11)

An elderly man was staggering down the street and stopped by a police officer who asked, "Just where are you going at 1:30 in the morning?"

The man said, "To an alcohol lecture."

The cop asked, "Where is it and who is giving it?"

The man said, "It's at my house, and my wife is giving it."


----------



## raven19 (6/9/11)

THE WEDDING NIGHT



Paul and Mary get married

but couldn't afford a honeymoon -

so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. 



In the morning

Johnny - Paul's little brother -

gets up and has his breakfast. 



As he is going out of the door

to go to school - he asks his mom

if Paul and Mary are up yet. 



She replies - No. 



Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?



His mom replies - I don't want to hear

what you think !





Just go to school.



Johnny comes home for lunch

and asks his mom -

Are Paul and Mary up yet ?



She replies - No.



Johnny says - Do you know what I think ? 



His mom replies - Never mind what you think !



Eat your lunch and go back to school ...



After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?



His mom says - No... 



He asks - Do you know what I think ? 



His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think



He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..



I gave him my super glue instead.


----------



## raven19 (8/9/11)

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . .....

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233.


----------



## raven19 (12/9/11)

Julia Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says "_Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me_"?

Cashier: "_It would be my pleasure Ma'am. Could you please show me your ID_"? 

Gillard: "_Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia_!!!!" 

Cashier: _"Yes Ma'am, I know who you look like, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"_ 

Gillard: _"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am" 
_
Cashier: _"I am sorry but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."_ 

Gillard: "_I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque"_ 

Cashier: "_Look, this is what we can do: One day a man looking like Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque. Another time, a man looking like Pat Cash came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, are the Prime Minister of Australia?"_ 

Gillard stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "_Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
_

Cashier: "_Will that be large or small bills, Prime Minister_?"


----------



## raven19 (23/9/11)

The Divorced Barbie Doll 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' 
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? 

We have: 
Work Out Barbie for $19.95, 
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, 
Beach Barbie for $19.95, 
Disco Barbie for $19.95, 
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, 
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, 
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and 
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., 
Divorced Barbie comes with: 

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.


----------



## raven19 (23/9/11)

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."



The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replied, "That would be my wife."


----------



## Ivan Other One (26/9/11)

I just put a deposit down on a new Porshe, and mentioned it on Facebook.

I wrote, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive."

Next thing I know, 4000 muslims had added me as a friend.


Bloke walks into a bar and asks for a pint of anything but VB.
Barman asks whats wrong with VB?
Bloke says I had 12 pints last night and when I came round I was fuckin Skint.
Barman- 12 pints of anything costs about the same
Bloke- Yeah, but Skint's my dog.


----------



## Malted (26/9/11)

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
> 'You talk?' he asks.
> 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
> After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
> The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
> In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
> 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
> But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
> 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
> 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
> 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
> 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'


----------



## raven19 (28/9/11)

Eddie McGuire is walking down the stairs of the Westpac Centre with Nathan and Tania Buckley. All of a sudden Tania slips and her head gets caught between the rails. While she is there Nathan takes the opportunity to give her a good rogering. After he finishes Nathan looks at Eddie and says, "Your turn Ed". Ed looks at him and tears start to roll down his face. Nathan asks, "What's up Ed?", to which Eddie replies, "I don't think my head will fit between the rails"


----------



## raven19 (29/9/11)

Church Fart

An older couple is attending church services.

About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!


----------



## raven19 (29/9/11)

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill. 

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse. 

'Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!'


----------



## raven19 (6/10/11)

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. 

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. 

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.. 

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"


----------



## raven19 (7/10/11)

*A good Catholic Joke 

* The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" 
Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded the bitch!


----------



## michael_aussie (9/10/11)

A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he 
noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price 
tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.



He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"



"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said 
the shop owner.



The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the>rat; and I won't 
be bringing it back." 



As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a 
few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began 
following him down the street. This was a

bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster.

Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew

to over a hundred, and they began squealing. 



He started to trot towards the Harbour. He took a look around and saw that 
the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions and they were all 
squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.



Terrified he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far 
out into the Harbour as he could.



Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were 
drowned.



The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner,

you're bringing it back! 



"Actually no" said the man. "I came back to see how much you 

want for that little bronze Muslim over there?"


----------



## warra48 (10/10/11)

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (10/10/11)

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The
cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"


To which she replied, "I'm late for work."


Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"


I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.


The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."


"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


----------



## Pennywise (11/10/11)

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'


----------



## bowie in space (14/10/11)

Paddy walks into a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness, sits down at a table on his own and sips all three until they are finished. The curious barman comes over to him and asks why he ordered three pints.

"Well you see, my two brothers have gone to live overseas, one in America and one in Australia and in honour of each other we all drink three pints whenever we go to the pub".

Next week Paddy comes in and orders only two pints of Guinness, sits down at the same table and sips at both of them. The barman feeling sorry for him approaches the table and consoles Paddy. 

"I'm very sorry for the loss of one of your brothers, Paddy", says the barman.

Paddy replies "Oh no, my two brothers are doing just fine, but I've decided to give up drinking"!


----------



## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (14/10/11)




----------



## michael_aussie (15/10/11)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


HOW ENGLISH IS BEING SPOKEN AROUND THE WORLD

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. 

Cocktail lounge , Norway : 
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome : 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. 

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: 
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS A RE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.. 

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. 

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.. 

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


----------



## DennisKing (19/10/11)

On Paul Mc cartney's recent wedding night his new wife asked him to rub her feet. Out of habit he got out the sandpaper.


----------



## raven19 (21/10/11)

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF ! 

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"


----------



## raven19 (21/10/11)

Two Aussies, Frank and Steve, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Frank stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed
the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Frank blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Fosters (insert good beer type here) !"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea
turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances. Steve looked disgustedly at Frank whose
wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Steve said, "Nice going Frank! Now we're
going to have to piss in the boat."


----------



## raven19 (21/10/11)

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi 

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' 

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' 

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) 

Dog: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' 

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' 

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' 

Horse: 'Cool' 

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) 

Horse: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.' 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' 

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar'


----------



## spog (22/10/11)

the labour party today announced it is going to replace the aussie emblem from an emu and kangaroo to a condom.
this is because it reflects the Labour party's political stance more accurately.
a condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks,and gives you a false sense of security while you're actually being [email protected]#%^d....


----------



## raven19 (24/10/11)

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, 
God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; 
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"


----------



## raven19 (24/10/11)

Doctors at work

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to 
have her baby in the taxi'. 
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and 
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I 
noticed that there were several taxis - 
- - and I was in the wrong one. 
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow. 


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly 
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 
'Big breaths,'. I instructed. 
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.. 
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath. 


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her 
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five 
minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of 
the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' 
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. 


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he 
was having trouble with one of his medications. 
'Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and 
now I'm running out of places to put it!' 
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. 
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! 
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying 
a new one. 
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk General. 




5. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair 
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and 
wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the 
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate 
operation. 
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff 
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was 
a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass' 
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the 
patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . .. . had to mow the lawn.' 
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London 
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.


----------



## raven19 (25/10/11)

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. 

My name is Billy. Whats yours? asked the first boy. 

Tommy, replied the second. 

My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living? asked Billy. 

Tommy replied, My Daddys a lawyer. 

Honest? asked Billy. 

No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.


----------



## raven19 (1/11/11)

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was 
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, 
she asked him how he had sex? 

'Tarzan not know sex,' he replied. 

Jane explained to him what sex was. 

Tarzan said, ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' 

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but 
I will show you how to do it properly.' 

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 

'Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it 
in here.' 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable 
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! 

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. 

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 
'What did you do that for?' 

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'


----------



## raven19 (4/11/11)

QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."


----------



## raven19 (4/11/11)

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. 

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. 
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie
. 
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".


----------



## raven19 (7/11/11)

My wife and I went to the Royal Adelaide Agricultural Show and one of the 
first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. 

We went up to the first pen 
and there was a sign attached that said, 

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, he mated 
50 times last year, that's almost once a week. 

We walked to the second pen which 
had a sign attached that said, 
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 
WOW! That's more than twice a week! 
You could learn a lot from him. 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign 
attached that said, in capital letters, 

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

I looked at her and said, 
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow!"



.

.

.


My condition has been upgraded from critical 
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


----------



## raven19 (11/11/11)

Apologies if this is repeated earlier in this thread...

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."


----------



## michael_aussie (16/11/11)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.


----------



## raven19 (17/11/11)

The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with their leader. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew or Ladino, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."


----------



## michael_aussie (18/11/11)

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA



Quick Assembly



* Lesbian Beds *

No nuts or screws involved.

It's all tongue and groove!!


----------



## raven19 (21/11/11)

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. ...

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"


----------



## raven19 (21/11/11)

When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?


Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when 
suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'


Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast 
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you 
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.


Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, 
you're disgusting!'


Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says, 
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only 
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one 
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry 
sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'


His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'


'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'


----------



## Maple (24/11/11)

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. 
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: 
COLD BEER : $2.00? 
HAMBURGER : $2.25? 
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50? 
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50? 
HAND JOB : $50.00 
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. 
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. 
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" 
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" 

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am". 
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."


----------



## raven19 (28/11/11)

Its 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland "he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder, "Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and
in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it
under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."


----------



## raven19 (28/11/11)

(Hopefully not repeated from earlier in this thread)

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE
Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you
will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go
upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."


----------



## raven19 (29/11/11)

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for 
calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil 
informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs 
him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, 
so it's a local call."


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## raven19 (30/11/11)

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. 

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. 

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.. 

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. 

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."


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## raven19 (5/12/11)

Scottish Sheep Farmer
 
A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. 

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. 

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. 

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant. 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. 

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed. 

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. 

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. 

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. 

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 

"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."


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## raven19 (5/12/11)

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl." The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name; maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name 'Denise.'"

What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."


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## warra48 (5/12/11)

Greek Economics 

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. 

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The tavern owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.



And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.


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## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (6/12/11)

warra48 said:


> Greek Economics
> 
> It is a slow day in a little Greek Village............
> 
> .................And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.


 Absolutely Brilliant. Love it!!!


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## raven19 (7/12/11)

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2 

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers #4 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers #5 

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers #6 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



Understanding Engineers #8 

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


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## Ducatiboy stu (8/12/11)

Santa received an email from CASA ( Civil Aviation Safety Authority ) informing him that he is up for a flight safety audit and licence test.

So Santa got the slay ready, assembled the reindeer and got his flight log book.

The inspector from CASA turned up and performed some routine pre-flight checks

He check the slays landing gear, cargo tie down points, flight plan and Rudolphs navigation light

When he had finished and signed everything off, he informed Santa that it was time for his flying test.

Santa climbed on the slay and waited for the inspector.

After a few minutes the inspector climbed on the slay, buckled his seat belt and pulled out a shot gun..

A rather stunned Santa asked him as to why he had a shot gun

To which the inspector replied " Well you are up for testing of your emergency skills....we are going to see how you handle loosing a few engines mid flight.."


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## raven19 (9/12/11)

IRISH DIESEL FITTER

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto 
ladies' knickers and thongs..' 

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified
as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 a week unemployment pay. 

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' 

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 
160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out
why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. 


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'


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## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (11/12/11)

Three old Aussie country boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The mechanic from Mudgee fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 

The logger from Gunnedah reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Narrabri farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Cocky replied, 'These are Carols.'


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## raven19 (12/12/11)

A Scottish couple took in a very attractive 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a large tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"


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## raven19 (13/12/11)

First Time at the Spa


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## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (16/12/11)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.' 'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'


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## raven19 (16/12/11)




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## raven19 (23/12/11)

Don't Fart In Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet 
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' 
and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around, 
her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. 
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', 
she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - 
you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"


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## Ivan Other One (2/1/12)

The biggest joke from 2011



Julia Gillard :angry: 



"Nuff said!!!


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## raven19 (3/1/12)

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.' 
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains. 

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!' 

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,





'Had him circumcised..'


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## raven19 (11/1/12)

Sensitive Aussie Blokes.

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower Mongrel, Coot and Bluey . 
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,
'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, Mongrel comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.


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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Barley Belly (11/1/12)




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## Matty061 (13/1/12)

A Cuban, a Russian, a Aussie and a Chinese man are all sitting in a highrise bar.The Cuban asked the barman for the most expensive Cuban cigar he hasTakes one drag and throws it out the window!
The Aussie asks why did you do that for too which the cuban replys " in my country we have plenty Of this".
Then the Russian asked the barman for his most expensive vodka takes a swigAnd also throws it out the window.
the Aussie asks why did you do that for too which the Russian replys " in Russia we have plenty of this".
So the Aussie picks up the Chinese man and throws him out the window and says " in my country we have plenty of this"!!!


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## raven19 (16/1/12)

The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. 
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gasmask on is suffocating me"! 
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill. 
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". 
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, 
"WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"! 
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"


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## raven19 (16/1/12)

Little Johnny

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? 
Johnny: Six. 
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! 
A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f**kin' cat at home!!!


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## michael_aussie (22/1/12)

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 








Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 






Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. 

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' 

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' 

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 



Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? 








Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 

'It is!' 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 

'I can!' 
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 

'I do!' 

'Is he a member of your congregation?' 

'He is!' 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 

'He will.' 






Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!' 






Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 




Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' 






Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! ' 






Marriage Humour 

Wife: 'What are you doing?' 

Husband: Nothing. 

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' 

------------------------------- 
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' 
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' 

Wife: 'Yes or no.' 

-------------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

------------------------------ 
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 

________________________________ 
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 

------------------------------------------------------------ 
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' 



Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'


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## mosto (24/1/12)

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship off the coast of Italy and the presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance at the wife......

......and that's when the fight started!


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## Ivan Other One (24/1/12)

When I was fourteen, my dad caught me smoking, so he made me smoke the whole pack.


In hindsight, I'd wished he caught me shaggin' that girl guide......


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## DUANNE (24/1/12)

Barley Belly said:


>



cant help but think of monty pythons special olympics!


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## freezkat (1/2/12)

A religious newly married couple on their honeymoon evening. One minute after climbing into bed.

groom: My love, I think what we are doing is wrong.

bride: Why my love? We have been joined together in Holy matrimony.

groom: I just seems wrong.

bride: Why is that?

groom: I have received a sign from God.

bride: Really!?!?

groom: Yes He made my pee curdle.


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## yardy (1/2/12)

how do you make an old lady say '**** !'


get another one to say 'Bingo !'


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## bradsbrew (1/2/12)

yardy said:


> how do you make an old lady say '**** !'
> 
> 
> get another one to say 'Bingo !'



Ha ha , I will use that tommorrow.


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## spog (2/2/12)

you're a shiela and you play bingo? :blink: ......cheers.....spog.......


bradsbrew said:


> Ha ha , I will use that tommorrow.


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## freezkat (5/2/12)

A prostitute answers her front door. On the welcome mat lies a man with no arms and no legs.

She says,"What do you want?"

The man replies," I rang the bell. Didn't I?"


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## DennisKing (13/2/12)

Whitney Houston's last film - The bodybag


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## Malted (13/2/12)

DennisKing said:


> Whitney Houston's last film - The bodybag



...tried listening to Whitney Houstons greatest hits but a bag of heroin and a rock of crack don't make much sound.


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## raven19 (14/2/12)

>A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian 
Coast

>He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible 
night

>wondering what could have happened to her.

>Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

>couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

>The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

>really bad news, but, some good news,
and maybe some more good news'.

>'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

>The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

>Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little

>cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but

>she was dead.'

>The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a 
turn.

>But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the

>good news is.

>The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

>really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,

>so we've brought you your share.'

>He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or

>five crabs in it.

>'Geez thanks.
They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and 
all that...

>So what's the other possible good news?

>'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill

>here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over

>there and pull her up again


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

AN ACTUAL AD IN AN AMERICAN NEWS PAPER


AN ACTUAL PERSONALS AD


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.


Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].


After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.


Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target .


The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).


;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky .Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,

Alex


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

* The Darwins Awards are out!!!! 
*
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for
their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year
I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you
going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick
says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet
mine."


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

Blonde Mortician.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. 

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. 

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. 

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ... 

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' 

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 

'There's no charge,' she says. 

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . .. . . . ... 

.
.
.

So I just switched the heads.'


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

Screams of Passion
The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Irishman said: That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Irishman replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains."


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

More Blonde Humour

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"


----------



## raven19 (14/2/12)

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. 
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. 
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. 
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? 
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.


----------



## raven19 (20/2/12)

ANOTHER BLOND ONE....... 

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold
to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under
that shady tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't
hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)



The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always
wanted a police dog.'


----------



## freezkat (20/2/12)

There is a famous couple of Scandinavian decent from Starbuck Minnesota. If you run into a Yank ask him about Ole and Lina. Ole and Lina have friends named Sven and Tina. They are included often as well.


Ole and Lina are on a drive to go see the Sports Show (fishing, camping, boats, hunting expo) at the Minneapolis Convention Center. They stopped in a town just northeast of downtown to get gas. Amazingly they still had *Full Service* gas. Ole pulled in and the gas attendant approached. Ole rolls down the window...

Attendant: (leans to the open window) Fill 'er up Sir?

Linashe doesn't hear that well) Vhat he say?!

Ole: (turns to Lina and says loudly..) He said Fill 'er up (then turns back) Ja sure fill'er up.

Attendant: Sounds like you've been traveling a while. Where you folks from?

Lina: Vhat he say?!

Ole: (to Lina) He wants to know where we're comin' from.(to the attendant) Ja we're down from Starbuck. Goin' to da Sport Show. 

Attendant: Starbuck,,,huh? I met a gal with the stinkiest crotch in the world from Starbuck

Lina: Vhat he say?!

Ole: He says he thinks he knows ja.


----------



## michael_aussie (20/2/12)

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing says:

"Have you got a tight, unshaven **** ?"

Woman: "Yes, he's watching telly - who shall I say is calling?"


----------



## michael_aussie (22/2/12)

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. 

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, 

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." 

"Do you think that will work?" she asked. 

"It just worked for me," he replied.


----------



## Ivan Other One (24/2/12)

They named him Dick!


----------



## jyo (29/2/12)

This made me actually LOL. 
Worst Album Covers


----------



## raven19 (1/3/12)

Shave and a Haircut 

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."


----------



## raven19 (1/3/12)

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to
use 'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'




Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and
said:
"Winnie the SHIT"


----------



## raven19 (1/3/12)

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? 

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?' 

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' 

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said. 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' 

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' 

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. 
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying: 

'Oh God! I'm coming!' 

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her." 

The nun had to leave the room.


----------



## michael_aussie (2/3/12)

I was listening to the local FM station this morning,
when the host invited callers to reveal
the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the chap who called his wife
Harvey Norman . . . "No interest for 18 months" . . .


----------



## michael_aussie (2/3/12)

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" 

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


----------



## freezkat (3/3/12)

A young lad asked his father to teach him to pee like a "big boy".

The father proudly brought his son to the pot and said, 

One, you step up to the pot
Two, you lift the seat
Three, you pull out your Johnson and do your thing
Four, you push your Johnson back in
Five, you put the seat down, you don't want your mum mad at you.
Six, you zip up, wash your hands

You got it?

Yes I got it dad, thanks, said the boy.

Later that day the father heard his son rush into the WC. Concerned he listened...

three
four
three
four
three
four
three
four
three
four
three
four
three
four
three
four


----------



## michael_aussie (7/3/12)

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'







Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work



today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs



hurt, I no come work.'



The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really



need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my



wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything



better and I go to work. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You



say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got really



nice house'


----------



## michael_aussie (7/3/12)

a fav of mine .......

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. 
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" 

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." 
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. 

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" 

"Yeah?", says the hippie. 

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." 

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. 

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face. 
"Have sex with me." 

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. 

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" 

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!


----------



## Snow (8/3/12)

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. 

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 
'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 
'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . . the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s..t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s..t, We're scr.wed again!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, "All Blacks vs France, RWC Quarter Final, 2007.."


----------



## freezkat (9/3/12)

Newly married Stella and Stosh were have a discussion during a passionate embrace

Stosh (muffled): Did you know Stella that the Sperm Whale is the largest mammal on the planet?

Stella (stifled): No, That's very interesting.

Stosh (muffled): Did you know there are underwater pyramids in Japan older than those in Egypt?

Stella (stifled): No, I didn't. How is it you know all these facts?

Stosh: (muffled) I'm reading the National Geographic stuck to your arse.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When telling this joke live. While playing the role of Stosh, smush your nose and lips with the palms of your hands.

When playing the role of Stella, slide 2 or 3 fingers in and out of your mouth. 

Feel free to allow spit fly if you think it is needed.


----------



## michael_aussie (11/3/12)

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!


Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.


----------



## gazeboar (11/3/12)

Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic with insomnia? He spent three nights awake, wondering if there really _is _a dog.


----------



## Ivan Other One (13/3/12)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.


----------



## Cocko (13/3/12)

Ivan Other One said:


> Did you hear about the pubescent level whippersnipper?




Gold!


----------



## Ivan Other One (13/3/12)

Cocko said:


> Gold!




Damn these hackers!!!! LMAO


----------



## raven19 (15/3/12)

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 

9. Bad decisions make good stories. 

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again. 

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. 

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option. 

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. 

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent some b----ard from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year? 

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. 

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!


----------



## michael_aussie (19/3/12)

Happy St. Paddys Day to you............................


Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. 


It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthdayOn that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So, when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick,
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy,stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and hisfather before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and yewere born in August, ya fookin idiot!"


----------



## peaky (21/3/12)

What did Stevie Wonder say when he got a cheese grater for Christmas?



That's the most violent book I've ever read.


----------



## manticle (25/3/12)

Three Oxford university professors are sitting, after dinner with port and cigars.

Across the road, visible through the window, are various ladies of the night gathered about and looking for custom.

The professors, being in a slightly merry state, decide it would be fun to try and categorise or classify the group of prostitutes.

Professor 1 in his most drunken and uppercrust voice declares: 'I would think that a 'Jam of tarts' would describe them adequately'

All 3 guffaw and give gentle applause to the wit generated from one of their own.

Professor 2: 'Ah no no I......I.......I..........I........... I would call them a 'school of trollops''.

Much guffawing and back slapping as the port decanter gets further emptied.

Silence for a few minutes, then Professor 3 pipes up: 'Actually I myself would class them as an anthology of English Prose'.


----------



## raven19 (26/3/12)

A guy goes to a pub and sees two fat girls sitting at the bar.

They both have strong accents so, to make polite conversation, he says "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them gives him a dirty look and said, "It's Wales, you bloody moron"

So he apologises and says "I'm so sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?


----------



## raven19 (26/3/12)

ENOUGH TO BRING TEARS . . . 

A TALE OF TWO VASECTOMIES. 

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. 
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. 
The man obeys. 
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. 
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. 
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker. 
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. 
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"? 
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Private Health Care and they have Medicare ......"


----------



## freezkat (27/3/12)

Cocko said:


> Did you hear about the pubescent level whippersnipper?
> 
> Gold!


Is this a grooming reference?


----------



## Amber Fluid (27/3/12)

Got to love this Doctor:

*Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
*A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

*Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?* 
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

*Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
*A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

*Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
*A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! 

*Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?* 
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

*Q* : *Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
*A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

*Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
*A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

*Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
*A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

*Q: 
Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
*A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 
*Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"* 


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than 
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans... 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: *Eat and drink what you like.* *Speaking English is apparently what kills you.*


----------



## Baulko Brewer (29/3/12)

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 


"And that's how you wave a towel , you ******* idiot!!"


----------



## Bribie G (29/3/12)

To the Woods to the Woods (did the round in the 1960s)

Low lecherous voice alternating with high nervous voice:

To the woods to the woods
I'll tell the Vicar
I am the Vicar
To the woods to the woods


To the woods to the woods
Not the woods, not the woods, anything but the woods
Anything?
To the woods to the woods

To the woods to the woods
But I'm only 13
I'm not superstitious
To the woods to the woods

To the woods to the woods
My mother wouldn't like it
Your mother's not getting it
To the woods to the woods

To the woods to the woods
I'll tell the vicar
I am the vicar
I'll tell the bishop
He's behind that bush
To the woods to the woods


----------



## Amber Fluid (2/4/12)

*COPPER WIRE​​*​
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". 

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely stuff all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian doesn't it?​


----------



## Malted (5/4/12)

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing the ball point pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.


----------



## Ivan Other One (11/4/12)

Confucious Say, "70 minus one, = Dinner for Two"


----------



## raven19 (17/4/12)

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'' 
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. 
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. 
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. 
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend. 
''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.


----------



## Zizzle (18/4/12)

Malted said:


> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing the ball point pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
> 
> When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.



Except that tiny fragments of conductive graphite in zero-G do not mix well with the electronics keeping you alive.


----------



## Airgead (18/4/12)

Zizzle said:


> Except that tiny fragments of conductive graphite in zero-G do not mix well with the electronics keeping you alive.



Actually, both NASA and the soviets used pencils to start with. 

A company called Fisher had already taken it upon themselves to develop a space pen for NASA. It took less than a year (delivered in 1965) and both NASA and the soviets switched to that pen when it was available. They cost NASA a grand total of $2.95 each. 

After the Apollo 1 fire which killed 3 astronauts, NASA decided that they needed a writing implement that would not burn in a 100% oxygen atmosphere. Graphite in fine powder is prone to self ignite under those conditions (though that wasn't the cause of the fire). So they switched exclusively to the Fisher space pen after that. The Soviets did as well (1968 actually). They have been used on every space flight since then.

Yes.. spot the space buff here...

More info here - http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp


----------



## needbeer (18/4/12)

Women dropping out of the NASA program


----------



## michael_aussie (18/4/12)

Airgead said:


> Actually, both NASA and the soviets used pencils to start with.
> 
> A company called Fisher had already taken it upon themselves to develop a space pen for NASA. It took less than a year (delivered in 1965) and both NASA and the soviets switched to that pen when it was available. They cost NASA a grand total of $2.95 each.
> 
> ...


ty Airgead ... i love the nerdy details


----------



## Ivan Other One (27/4/12)

A recent survey was conducted into why men like blowjobs,

10% like the feeling,

12% like the dominance.


The other 78% like the Freakin silence.


----------



## Tony M (28/4/12)

The last time I logged on, this thread was up to page 26. It's a great thread to read as it doesn't degenerate into stupid inane bickering by about the tenth post.
Keep up the good work jokers.


----------



## mikec (29/4/12)

Tony M said:


> The last time I logged on, this thread was up to page 26. It's a great thread to read as it doesn't degenerate into stupid inane bickering by about the tenth post.
> Keep up the good work jokers.



I don't get it.


----------



## punkin (4/5/12)

I was sitting on the train this morning across from this really pretty Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself "Please don't get an erection." "Please don't get an erection!"



But she did.


----------



## raven19 (18/5/12)

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... 

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. 

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' 

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' 

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts..... 

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. 

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 500 membership fee.' 

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' 

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, and I fart 35 times a day!!'


----------



## Maple (1/6/12)

still.... laughing...


----------



## winkle (1/6/12)

Maple said:


> still.... laughing...


Thats Toronto for you...
Classic headline


----------



## punkin (4/6/12)




----------



## dougsbrew (8/6/12)

*John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep". 

*


----------



## mikec (9/6/12)

Maple said:


> still.... laughing...



Ok, where do I join the line?


----------



## emnpaul (29/6/12)

How many flavours of chapstick does Elton John own?

One. Chaps dicks only come in man seed.


----------



## warra48 (15/7/12)

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this! 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. 


Yours Sincerely, 

The Dog


----------



## spog (15/7/12)

I lost my job as a bingo caller.
apparently dinner for two with a hairy view,is not the way to call the number 69.



cheers.......spog.........


----------



## Ivan Other One (31/7/12)

What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses?

The sunglasses sit higher up on your face.


----------



## Ivan Other One (13/8/12)

Not so much a joke but to say the least,,, rather amusing.


----------



## manticle (13/8/12)

Ivan Other One said:


> Not so much a joke but to say the least,,, rather amusing.


----------



## Liam_snorkel (13/8/12)

Shin to the face, brutal.


----------



## raven19 (20/8/12)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? 
You look terrible." 

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." 

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" 

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. 
I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
.
.
.
.
"It was my first day with the hook."


----------



## raven19 (20/8/12)

The wife left a note on the fridge.... 

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Mums!!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold... 

F#*k knows what she was on about!!


----------



## spog (21/8/12)

the other night my wife asked me how many women i had slept with.
i told her "only you.All the others kept me awake shagging all night!"
My missus packed my bags for me ,and as i was walking out the front door she screamed....
I hope you die a slow and painful death you bastard!
"Oh" i replied "so now you want me to stay" 

cheers.......spog.................


----------



## Ivan Other One (27/8/12)

Sperm #1 "God I'm getting tired, How long till we reach the fallopian tubes?

Sperm #2 "Stilla long way to go, We've only just passed the tonsils.


----------



## Cocko (31/8/12)

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, 
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the p peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'


----------



## Ivan Other One (7/9/12)

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"


----------



## WarmBeer (13/9/12)

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


----------



## Amber Fluid (19/9/12)

This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that VB or Hahn?"

I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".

==============================

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day

a woman was born just by feeling their tits, "Really" she said.

"Go on then...try"

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said,' yesterday".

============================

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,

you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

============================

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table,

I said to her, "Nice legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".

======================

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The Pool Supervisor shouted at me so loudly that I nearly fell in.


----------



## Ivan Other One (5/10/12)

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?'' The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.'' The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''


----------



## Dave70 (12/10/12)

Not often I hear a joke that cold be told in mixed company that makes me laugh, but this one did.

This lady came up to me in a bar and asked if I'd like to buy her a drink, slim, attractive but easily in her 50's.
We got talking and one thing led to another.
She asked me if I'd like to come back to her place and have some fun.
I hesitated, she was a little older than I was use to.
'Oh, I wont be the _only_ lady there who likes a bit of fun' she said as she winked seductively.
Sounds good to me, I thought, so off we went.

As soon as we were through her front door she grabbed me and pushed me onto the lounge. 
She jumped on top of me, ripped here blouse open and started kissing my neck.
'So', I said, 'Wheres this other lady who likes a bit of fun?'
'Oops, almost forgot' she said.
'Mum, we're ready, you can come in now'..


----------



## WarmBeer (12/10/12)

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?


A: A brick.


----------



## Dave70 (12/10/12)

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick.


----------



## WarmBeer (12/10/12)

Q: What's brown and runny?

A: Usain Bolt.


----------



## raven19 (30/10/12)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming
for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy,William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Grandad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William,
relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay
cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,
you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .. .. .
the little bastard's name is Kevin."


----------



## Helles (31/10/12)

Found this post onBrew Board Anyone one else had this Problem

Link might work Link works






No joke! My wife had a pissy diaper on on the top shelf (have no idea why!!) ??? 

And It fell in when I was reaching for the Lid! I quick got it out, and ran up stairs to see if it was a used, or unused diaper..... 
IT WAS USED!!!

It was a Hefewizen!!!

Now what! Should I throw this out or not :crazy: 

NEED HELP


----------



## Kiwimike (2/11/12)

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.


----------



## Malted (5/11/12)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 



When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... 



We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."



"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"



"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


----------



## Ivan Other One (6/11/12)

Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table 
...in front of her kids.


----------



## m3taL (8/11/12)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles. 
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies. 
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 
Her husband retorts: 
'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'


----------



## petesbrew (11/11/12)

Had to post this under the humour thread

https://www.1stchoice.com.au/mattskinner/enter%20competition

Win a $3000 personal shopping experience at 1st Choice with Matt Skinner
In 25 Words or less tell us why a shopping experience with Matt Skinner would change your life

Beside's entries like Stock up on lifetime supply of goon bags, Completely **** up my liver, make me a bigger alco than I am now, etc. I'm truly lost for words for a serious answer.


----------



## Ivan Other One (19/11/12)

A lame joke,
A cod and a perch decided to rob a sand bank, They were caught by the carps,,,,,,

Appologies in advance,,,


----------



## mikec (19/11/12)

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. 
It was tense.


----------



## AngelTearsOnMyTongue (21/11/12)

Ivan Other One said:


> A lame joke,
> A cod and a perch decided to rob a sand bank, They were caught by the carps,,,,,,
> 
> Appologies in advance,,,



Following an intense grilling they went up before the Squid beak.........


----------



## AlwayzLoozeCount (22/11/12)

Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off.


----------



## sydneyhappyhour (30/11/12)

Whats does McDonalds and Australia have in common?

Both have a red headed clown as their figure head.


----------



## spog (1/12/12)

sydneyhappyhour said:


> Whats does McDonalds and Australia have in common?
> 
> Both have a red headed clown as their figure head.


----------



## Ivan Other One (18/12/12)

I was driving through town today when I saw a woman driving while using her mobile phone.

This made me so angry that I threw my beer at her,,,,


----------



## sponge (19/12/12)

Ivan Other One said:


> I was driving through town today when I saw a woman driving while using her mobile phone.
> 
> This made me so angry that I threw my beer at her,,,,



Slightly off topic as it is a story rather than a joke, but this reminded me of a story my danish relative was telling me as he was driving back to my parents place from in town last week. 

In Denmark, they are allowed to drink beer whilst driving, as long as they are still under the blood alcohol limit (which I am pretty sure is still 0.05)

He ended up getting an RBT on his way back, and when the officer asked if he had had a drink in the last 15min, he replied 'yes, I am drinking one right now' and showed her his beer in the cup holder.

He ended up being under the limit and was told that he can't drink whilst driving, which he accepted.

I found it a slightly amusing story none the less.

Now, back to the jokes!


----------



## WarmBeer (19/12/12)

Q. Why did Princess Di cross the road?


A. Conservation of Momentum.


----------



## Amber Fluid (20/12/12)

Why is Santa's sack so big?





'cause he only comes once a year!!


----------



## Ivan Other One (22/12/12)

Q; What's black and red and sits in a tree?

A; A crow with a fat.


----------



## DennisKing (23/12/12)

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Gag


----------



## warra48 (28/12/12)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.


----------



## warra48 (9/1/13)

Dear Family & Friends and Forum Members,

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest family, friends, and forum members about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had three of four pints of ale, two cocktails, and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police RBT road block but, since it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.


----------



## drew9242 (9/1/13)

warra48 said:


> Dear Family & Friends and Forum Members,
> 
> I would like to share a personal experience with my closest family, friends, and forum members about drinking and driving.
> 
> ...



Keep it for future use


----------



## warra48 (12/1/13)

These workmen are installing cast-iron bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast . 

They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

If you can spot why they're not going home you are smarter than they are


----------



## drew9242 (12/1/13)

Haha reminds of a bloke I knew. He was cutting some wood , problem was he was standing on the side he was cutting off. Hmmm took a bit of a fall.


----------



## KingKong (14/1/13)

Thieves have stolen 50 crates of red bull from the local shop. 

I just don't know how the bastards can sleep at night.


----------



## Ivan Other One (16/1/13)

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?


----------



## warra48 (17/1/13)

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?


----------



## Liam_snorkel (18/1/13)

Q. why did the chicken cross the road?

A. to get to the other side.


----------



## peas_and_corn (18/1/13)

It's funny because it means death


----------



## marksfish (18/1/13)

warra48 said:


> I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
> It puzzles me!!!
> They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
> I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
> ...


a few hundred thousand public servants.


----------



## GuyQLD (19/1/13)

warra48 said:


> I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
> It puzzles me!!!
> They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
> I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
> ...


I love the smell of misinformation in the morning.




marksfish said:


> a few hundred thousand public servants.


This too.


----------



## Ivan Other One (19/1/13)

2 priests are at the vatican pisstrough,
1 looks at the others cock and notices a Nicobate patch.
You are supposed to put that onyour arm, not your dick.
The other relplies,
It's working fine, I'm down to 2 butts a day,,,,,,


----------



## DU99 (20/1/13)

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Sh#t Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes ! 
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. 

And then she said, "Do whatever you want." 

So . . . . here I am !


----------



## Malted (21/1/13)

Waitress in Tescos just asked me what I'd like on my burger? I said a Fiver each way!

5 people taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers were said to be in a ...stable condition.

Just checked the Tesco burgers in the freezer and.....they're off!


----------



## Liam_snorkel (22/1/13)

GuyQLD said:


> warra48 said:
> 
> 
> > I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
> ...



It's actually funny now, knowing that Warra48 is a pensioner.


----------



## Malted (22/1/13)

Farkin cyclists in their farkin spandex! So the Tour Down Under is in January; why do they need to get about in spandex in say October - are they trying to get a head start?
Everybody hates cyclists; ever noticed that the bike lane is in the parking lane area?
Do you know what the fine is for opening your door when they ride past? Nothing!
I park there all day waiting for them to come past so I can open my door.
You have to get your timing right though because 'objects in the mirror are closer than they appear'.

_Adapted from Montreal Comedy Festival I saw on TV the other night. _


----------



## white.grant (22/1/13)

Not funny Malted.


----------



## Cocko (22/1/13)

Twas a funny skit.


----------



## peas_and_corn (23/1/13)

It isn't October.


----------



## warra48 (23/1/13)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He chugs it down quickly and orders another. Same thing... he chugs it down quickly and orders another.

"Geez, mate... what's your hurry?," asks the barmaid.

"Well," replies the guy, "If you only had what I have you'd drink fast, too!"

"What do you have?", asks the barmaid.

"About 75 cents."


----------



## Mzungu (24/1/13)

haha, gold mate


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (25/1/13)

Went and ordered a pizza for lunch, young bloke asked if i wanted it cut into 4 or 8 pieces. I said just 4 thanks, I am not hungry enough to eat 8


----------



## Toper (27/1/13)

OLD BUT STILL GOOD..



A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to
her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it..

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


----------



## chunckious (27/1/13)

peas_and_corn said:


> It's funny because it means death


Funny how you can miss the basic of things.....anyone else not know this or just me? :unsure:


----------



## black_labb (30/1/13)

Chunkious said:


> Funny how you can miss the basic of things.....anyone else not know this or just me? :unsure:


Not the only one, it took me going back and rereading things a few times to see what you were talking about before I realised I was finally getting one of the most common jokes in the english language!


----------



## freezkat (18/2/13)

2 old friends see each other at a school reunion. They haven't seen each other for years.

Jerry its been forever. You look amazing. How did you lose all your weight?

I'm on the Titleist diet.

The Titleist diet? Whats that?

I invented it. I got the idea from seeing the Gastric Balloon on the internet. It fills up the stomach so you don't feel so hungry.
So I shoved a couple sleeves of golf balls down my throat.

Wow, That sounds brutal. It obviously worked... but your so fit. Do you work out?

I do a lot of swimming. I can't seem to stay out of the water now


----------



## capsicum (21/2/13)

How much do ya reckon it costs a pirate to get an earring?

About a buck an ear.


----------



## jyo (21/2/13)

True story-

Was as my local shopping centre and being a bloody hot day, all and sundry felt the need to be shirtless. Anyway, a bloke aged about 45 sporting quite a respectable beer gut walked towards be and on his stomach were 6 cans of VB tattooed! Imagine just the top view of a six pack with the VB symbol in each circle.


----------



## dougsbrew (22/2/13)

haha, what a treat, body by VB..
i had a apprentice sparky working with me for a while, had a big vb logo tattoed on his arm,
and was a mad afl fanatic, tryed talking afl with me and had to say dont, i dont follow it.
what are you gay he says...haha, im not the one spending my weekends drinking vb and
watching oiled up fit young men running around on a feild chasing a ball..hmm fram.


----------



## Cocko (22/2/13)

A mother tucks in her blind son for bed one night and says. "Now honey, if you say your prayers to god tonight, and you ask him for your eyesight, and you truly believe God can heal you, in the morning when you wake, you'll be able to see."

"O.k. mom." the son says, and proceeds to pray for a full hour asking for God to give him sight, before he drifts off to sleep.

In the morning mom comes into the room and says... "Now Billie, before you open your eyes, did you pray last night?" "Yes Mommy." "And did you truly believe God can give you sight?"..."Yes Mommy." "O.K. Billie open you eyes."...

"Mommy, Mommy, I still can't see!"

"I know Billie............April Fools."


----------



## jammer (22/2/13)

Why are pirates called pirates ?

Coz they arrrrrrrr


----------



## jammer (22/2/13)

Grantw said:


> But was saved by dog


Then went to a rave, and took an 'm'


----------



## Dave70 (22/2/13)

A muslim, a sikh and a mormon walk into a bar.


----------



## warra48 (22/2/13)

Dave70 said:


> A muslim, a sikh and a mormon walk into a bar.


And order a raspberry lemonade ??


----------



## carniebrew (25/2/13)

The other day my best mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers. 



Probably worse that she was still wearing them at the time. 




Made the rest of her funeral bloody awkward.


----------



## Camo6 (25/2/13)

The kids had all returned to school after summer holidays and were excited to talk about their time off.
Mrs Hanson told the children that for show and tell they could talk about what they did on their break.
Little Johnny got up and said "Me an me mate Kevo went down the creek, caught a heap of frogs and stuck lit crackers in their asses!"
"Rectum, Johnny rectum." said the teacher.
"Fark oath it did." said Johnny.


----------



## woody0055 (25/2/13)

2 pregnant irish girls were knitting jumpers for there babies. One says "i hope i have a girl as i only have pink wool", the other says "i hope i have a spastic, cos i just fucked up the sleeves"

A bloke is back infront of the judge for bashing his wife. The judge says why do you keep beating your wife? He replies, "its because i have a height and weight advantage and a much better reach"


----------



## freezkat (27/2/13)

Dave70 said:


> A muslim, a sikh and a mormon walk into a bar.


brilliant


----------



## DennisKing (2/3/13)

Why men don't write advice columns in magazines or newspapers,


Dear John

While driving home from work the car spluttered to a halt. Tried to phone the breakdown company and the phone was dead so I walked to my best friends house round the corner. As I got near the house I could hear some noise so I looked through the window only to see my husband naked on the floor while my so called best friend, dressed in very sexy underwear was giving him oral sex.Please John what's gone wrong,

Suzy.


Dear Suzy

I think it's probably dirt in the carburettor, as for the phone just make sure it's charged before you go out.

John.


----------



## warra48 (5/3/13)

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet. 



“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." I guess Tesco just listened.









Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?






Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.






Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!






Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...I still have a bit between my teeth.






A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.






Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn






"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer, AND... THEY'RE OFF....."






Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.






Said to the missus, “These Tesco burgers have given me the trots”.






“To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.”






A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, “Why the long face?” Cow says, “Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!”






I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.






These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit, talk about flogging a dead horse!


----------



## Ivan Other One (20/3/13)

Last night I had a wet dream about my ex-wife,,,,
Dreamt that I'd drowned the bitch in a lake,,,


----------



## punkin (20/3/13)

I read the South Sydney Supporters Club just got back from a trip to an orphanage in Zimbabwe.

The statement in the newspaper read;

" It was a great opportunity to meet such underprivelidged people with so little hope, and to possible bring some happiness into their lives" Said Alfred Mgombo aged six.


----------



## bigandhairy (22/3/13)

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.


----------



## white.grant (27/3/13)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at 
him. She says"Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids..'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful 
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party 
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching 
while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


----------



## brettprevans (6/4/13)

You can’t beat logic!
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around three 6-packs - starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, in 15 years you have spent roughly $162,000, Correct?

Man: Correct

Lady Interviewer: Did it every occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your fuckin Ferrari?


----------



## white.grant (10/4/13)

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring
it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his
last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him
across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked
slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The
big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The
same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time Frank was knee'd in the groin
and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the cockroach left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in
a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his
doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I
do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."


----------



## djar007 (15/4/13)

http://brookstonbeerbulletin.com/what-kind-of-beer-drinker-are-you/


----------



## Camo6 (15/4/13)

One day Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden when suddenly God appeared above him.

"Adam, my child, how are enjoying the world I have created for you?" said The Lord.

"Oh its just swell." said Adam. "You've done an outstanding job milord, but... it can be a bit lonely."

When God heard this He knew what was required and He took from Adam a part of his ribs and created Eve.

"My gift to you, my child, to ease your loneliness and give you the gift of Love." the Lord said as he withdrew to leave the pair to get to know one another.

A few days passed when the Lord reappeared in the sky before Adam, who was resting in the long grass after another extended bout of lovemaking.

"Adam, my child, how are you enjoying your new partner?"

"My God she's fantastic!" exclaimed Adam. "We haven't stopped lovemaking since you created her."

"And where is Eve now my child?" enquired the Lord.

"Oh, she's done by the river washing herself." said Adam.

Suddenly the sky turned black. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed. The wind howled and the ground shook. God's face grew dark and a look of omnipotent anger crossed his features.

Adam flung himself to the ground, shaking in fear. He looked up at the Lord and pleaded "My Lord, what's wrong?!"

"Wrong? WRONG?!" boomed the Lord. "HOW WILL I GET THE SMELL OUT OF THE FISH NOW?"


----------



## white.grant (19/4/13)

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
...
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…


----------



## philmud (28/5/13)

The "to starter or not to starter" thread reminded me of this one:

An octogenarian visited his GP, who asked how he was;
"I'm great Doc, never felt better - I married a 20 year old model last month and this week we found out she's going to have my baby"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says;
"Let me tell you a story: a man went out hunting one day, but absent mindedly took his umbrella instead of his rifle. Walking along a creek he spotted a beaver on the bank. He raised his umbrella and went to pull the trigger and at that exact moment there was a gunshot and the beaver fell down dead. What do you make of that?"
The old man thinks for a moment and says,
"Well Doc, I think someone else must've shot that beaver".
"That" replies the Doctor "is my point exactly"


----------



## WarmBeer (30/5/13)

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and orders a Double Entendre.

So the bartender gives her one.


----------



## WarmBeer (30/5/13)

Q: What's the dumbest animal in the forest?








A: The polar bear.


----------



## petesbrew (3/6/13)

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter: a duck. One day the farmer is sittin? down paying off last month?s heating bill when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So the boy started off to town.

He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The ******* begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex.

An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he **** her again because it was the best ******* of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.

Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boy?s hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and appologizes for the boy?s duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.

Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boy?s reply was this:

"I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."


----------



## punkin (18/8/13)

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.






An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained:

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ******* Frenchmen to show it to."






My job is so ******* unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the ******* stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ******* dog to work.
Every ******* day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single ******* day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.


----------



## Camo6 (26/8/13)

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were sitting at the bar having a drink and complaining about the price of a pint.

The Englishman said " You know in my local, when you sit down at the bar you get the first pint for free."

The Scotsman scoffed and said "Aye, that's nuthin laddie. In my old pub you'd get a wee heavy and a single malt just for walkin in the door."

The Irishman laughed and said " Yer boys are gettin ripped. In my local inn ya get free piss all night and when ya carnt drink no more they drag ya upstairs and shag yer brains out."

The others looked at him in disbelief and the Scotsman said "Did this happen to you Paddy?"

"No" said Paddy, "but it happened to mah sister."


----------



## Camo6 (30/8/13)

A new inmate is placed in his cell and confronted by a hulking brute of a man. Six foot four and one hundred and forty kilos of shaven headed, tattooed muscle.

There is an uncomfortable silence between them before the brute says "We're gonna play mummies and daddies. You wanna be mummy, or daddy?"

The inmate thinks about this before gulping and whispering "I think I'd like to play daddy."

"THEN GET OVER HERE AND SUCK MUMMY'S COCK!"


----------



## eungaibitter1 (2/9/13)

A new publican has just taken over a small town pub out west. His predecessor gives him an excersize book full of credit purchases. "good luck getting any of it though mate, like blood from a stone around here."

A couple of hours later, his first customer arrives. He asks for a carton of beer and a bottle of plonk. The publican goes and gets the goods and puts them on the bar."put 'em down in the book under simmo, thanks mate."
"sorry simmo," the publican replies, "I won't be keeping a book."
"well, just write it up on yer blackboard there then."
"sorry mate, I won't be doing that either."
simmo grabs the grog off the bar and heads for the door. He looks back at the publican and says, " I hope you got a fucken good memory then."


----------



## Droopy Brew (3/9/13)

Old Clancy is chasing some rabbits on his farm but when he climbs over the fence he accidentally discharges the rifle into his groin.

When he wakes up the doctor is standing next to his bed in the hospital. He says 'Hello Clancy do you know why you are here?'
Clancy recalls the accident.
"Ok, well I have some good news and some bad news, the bad news is you have shot your pecker off. The good news is your insurance will pay out $7000.'

The doc continued- "Now we can fit you up with a reconstructed dick for $1000 per inch. But this is an important decision that you should talk to your wife about. You might want to spend the 7k and get a regular 7 inch version or your wife might like something bigger like a 9 incher but you will need to find the additional money. However, if she is petite she may prefer a 5 or 6 inch and hang onto 1 or 2 K.'

' Your wife is coming in now- discuss it with her as the sooner we perform the surgery the better the chances of success.'

Clancy has some eranest discussions with his wife and then the doc comes in.
"So have we made a decision yet? What are you getting?'



"Yes' said a forlorn Clancy, ' we are getting new granite bench tops.'


----------



## wide eyed and legless (17/9/13)

Last birthday my wife bought me a pair of slippers and a packet of flavoured condoms, I said we'll give these a go tonight , that night the wife disappears under the bed clothes and promptly comes back up again. Yuk I didn't think they would have a cheese and onion flavour, I said hold your horses I haven't got one on yet.


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## wide eyed and legless (18/9/13)

2 old guys sitting out side a retirement home, both with a touch of Alzheimer's, its a warm day and one says to the other, "I think I will walk to the shop and get an ice-cream". 2nd man says, "Yes good idea I will have one too, but write it down". 1 st man says, "I am going to get some nuts sprinkled on the top of mine" and the 2nd man says, "Yes I will have that too but please write it down". The first man says, "Its al-right the shops 20 meters away I won't forget".
1st man returns from the shop and says to the second man, "Here's your pie" 2nd man says, You silly bugger I told you that you would forget, where's the sauce!


----------



## punkin (13/11/13)

http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/


----------



## Weizguy (10/2/14)

[SIZE=medium]Ok, so it's a Dad joke, but I like it.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=medium]Q: What’s long and green and hangs from the trees in the jungle?[/SIZE]





[SIZE=medium]A: Elephant snot[/SIZE]


----------



## DU99 (11/3/14)

During a ladies medical examination, the British doctor says,

"your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble"

The lady starts to take off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! leave your knickers on...................................... just stick out your tongue"


----------



## DU99 (22/3/14)

_A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven`t got the energy."_
_"Well, why don`t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They`re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree._
_The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree._
_Moral of the story: Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won`t keep you there!_


----------



## wereprawn (26/3/14)

_Why did Cavemen drag their women around by the hair ?_

_Dragging them by the legs made em fill up with dirt._


----------



## Kak (26/3/14)

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside a abortion clinic?

Going inside and asking for a coat hanger


----------



## Kak (26/3/14)

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

Their interpretation of the word facial!

Haha


----------



## DU99 (20/4/14)

*Italian Pregnancy*
*An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' *

*The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.*
*A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably* *dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.*

*He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.*

*Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..*

*If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.*

*If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..*

*However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'*

*At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!" *


----------



## DU99 (20/4/14)

*DIVORCE SETTLEMENT*

*On the first day, sadly, he packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he got the house removers to come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table; by candle-light he put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centres of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the former wife came back with her new boyfriend, and, at first, all was bliss.

Then, slowly at first, the house began to smell...

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, scrubbing and airing-out the place.

Under the floor boards, the attic and vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 'Exterminators' were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked! Unsurprisingly, people stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the sickening stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their asking price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a rotten, stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to enter their property or return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they just had to get out and had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the stench really was, she quickly agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...but only, she insisted, if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the gullible ex-husband, gleefully they even took the curtain rods !!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...*


----------



## DU99 (20/4/14)

*Kiwis*


A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.





The barman says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”





The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada ..”





The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada ?”





The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”





The bartender says, “A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?”





“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”





The bartender grins and yells,












“He’s okay boys. He's one of us.”


----------



## wide eyed and legless (21/4/14)

Never tell a Scot a Scottish joke as I did recently in a pub full of wall to wall piss artists:- A guy walks into a Scottish bakers and asks, ' Is that a Custard or a Meringue' the baker replies 'Nay, your nay rang it's a Custard'. Sorry its a verbal joke but not to Scots


----------



## bob51 (26/4/14)

Aussies

A bloke walks into a bar in Seedney and orders a shandy. All the Aussies sitting around the bar looked up, grinning.

The barman says, "you aint from round here, are ya ?"

The guy says, " no, I'm from canada."

The bartender says," what do you do in canada?"

The guy says," i'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says," a taxidermist? What the hell does a taxidermist do?"

The guy says" I mount animals"

Bartender thinks for a bit , then says," Yer awright mate, but over here we call them boundary riders." :lol:


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (26/4/14)

Well..if you waz a kiwi...


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (26/4/14)

And drove a Taxi...


----------



## wide eyed and legless (27/4/14)

Why are hurricanes named after women ? They are warm wet and wild when they come, when they go they take your house and car with them :unsure:


----------



## pk.sax (27/4/14)

Actually since the international women's year cyclones have started being called male names too, alternatively. Like cyclone Larry.


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (27/4/14)

Cyclone Abbott...


----------



## Lord Raja Goomba I (13/5/14)

Owing to a "you can't have a personality if you're an accountant" quip (I get it all the time), I thought I'd tell an accountant joke.

An accountant, an artist and a lawyer are discussing women. The topic moves onto mistresses and wives and which is better.

The artist says "Oh, a mistress for sure. Excitement, it keeps life interesting, you can always have fun and not worry about the commitment".

The accountant and lawyer say "Hmmm, interesting, I can see your point".

The lawyer says "Oh, a wife, easily. No nasty surprises, you know where you stand legally and everything is done above board."

The artist and the account say "Understandable, it makes perfect sense".

Then the accountant says "Both!"

"Both?!" asked the artist and lawyer.

"Sure, so each of them thinks I'm with the other, so I can go to the office and get some work done".


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (13/5/14)

Bit like the computer geek walking by a pond and hears a frog calling him over.

So he goes over and picks up the talking frog.

The frog says " Kiss me and I will become the most beautifull fathfull woman to you..."

The geek thinks....then .."Nah....i wont kiss you.."

The frog responds..." But I will be your perfect all loving faithfull woman.."

Geek responds "Look..im a geek...my freinds a geeks...I dont go out..I live under my parents house....I only play computer games & chess....A talking frog is about the coolest thing I could have.."


----------



## TheWiggman (13/5/14)

A father drives past a paddock holding some cattle. 
Dad: "Look kids, a flock of cows"
Kids: "HERD of cows dad!"
Dad: "... why yes I have, there's a flock of them right over there"


----------



## Lincoln2 (13/5/14)

TheWiggman said:


> A father drives past a paddock holding some cattle.
> Dad: "Look kids, a flock of cows"
> Kids: "HERD of cows dad!"
> Dad: "... why yes I have, there's a flock of them right over there"


I'm going to steal use that one.


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (13/5/14)

Pretty sure sure he saw a herd of nuns and mistook them for a flock of Friesians...


----------



## wide eyed and legless (18/6/14)

In a small village in Russia just 200 kilometres from Minsk the village cow had dried up, so with no milk for the village the men went to seek the advice of the Wise Man of the Woods. On explaining their predicament to the wise man he told them they had to go and get a new cow for the village. The men returned to the village and discussed buying a new cow, every 3 rd Friday of the month a cattle market was held in Minsk so it was decided that one of the men would have to go and purchase a milking cow.
On the return with the cow the men held another meeting and decided to go and seek the advice of the Wise Man of the Woods to discuss with him the ways to prevent such a predicament happening again. The wise man advised that the men should borrow the fine bull which was owned by the next village and get the bull to service their cow, the men did as advised and try as they might the cow would not let the bull service her.
In desperation they again went to seek the advice of the Wise Man of the Woods, they explained that when they tried to approach the bull from the rear the cow would turn around and the same thin happened when approaching from the left or the right side of the cow the cow would turn and face the bull. The wise man gave it some thought and raised his head to look at the men and asked,'Did you buy the cow from Minsk'? The men were astounded and said to the wise man,' Yes but how could you possibly know that'. The wise man replied sadly, 'My wife comes from Minsk'.


----------



## surly (3/7/14)




----------



## Ducatiboy stu (3/7/14)

Ill take a pallet.


----------



## i-a-n (14/7/14)

I was in the pub last night chatting to a woman, she said "if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut you'd look ok" 
I said "if I did those things I'd be over there talking to your good looking friends over there, not you"


----------



## i-a-n (17/7/14)

I'm organising a charity do for blokes who can't orgasm. 
Everyone is invited. 
Let me know if you can't come.


----------



## Dan2 (17/7/14)

i-a-n said:


> I'm organising a charity do for blokes who can't orgasm.
> Everyone is invited.
> Let me know if you can't come.


I'm glad everyone is invited - not exclusive to those with the condition.
Else those who can't come can come, but those who can come can't come :huh:


----------



## i-a-n (17/7/14)

How do you change a dishwasher into a leaf blower? 
Just give her a yard broom


----------



## wide eyed and legless (17/7/14)

i-a-n have you been opening the left over Christmas Crackers


----------



## surly (18/7/14)

wide eyed and legless said:


> i-a-n have you been opening the left over Christmas Crackers


I am thinking that politically incorrect christmas crackers are a damn good idea...


----------



## i-a-n (19/7/14)

It's the Xmas in July thing..... Paper hat anyone?


----------



## i-a-n (21/7/14)

I was stalked by a zombie last night, I think he'd been a keen home brewer, all he kept repeating was "grains, grains"


----------



## i-a-n (26/7/14)

Paul Hogan's divorce is final....... "wife? That's not a wife"


----------



## malt and barley blues (28/7/14)

Heard outside the Olympic Games athletes village an interviewer asked a track and field competitor, Are you a pole vaulter,
to which the competitor replied, No I am German but how did you know my name was Walter.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (31/7/14)

Not a joke excerpts from a book Disorder in the American courts.

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread733024/pg1


----------



## wereprawn (31/7/14)

A yacht starts taking on water off the coast of Germany and the crew radio the coast guard.

Yacht :- Mayday! Mayday! We are sinking!

Coast Guard:- ( with a puzzled look on his face ) Ya Ya . Vot seems to be zee problem?

Yacht:- I repeat. Mayday! Mayday! We are SINKING!

Coast Guard:- ( Now with an even more puzzled look) Ya. But Vot are you sinking about?


----------



## i-a-n (2/8/14)

I just rolled over in bed and asked the wife if she realised it's National Orgasm Day. She said it's such a pity, right at the start of National Headache Week.


----------



## Droopy Brew (6/8/14)

*Q*
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

*A*
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Julia or Tony aren't
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again


----------



## i-a-n (6/8/14)

Bloke sitting on his own in a pub and a couple of blokes notice him and start talking to him they get around to "do you fancy a game of darts"? He says he's never played before but if they tell him the rules, yes please. Off they go and he plays a perfect game. 
They ask him if he's sure he's never played before, so he tells them where he lives in the Bush there's millions of flies and he's got some old darts that he throws at them for fun to pin them to the wall. The blokes are amazed and ask if all the fly guts don't leave nasty marks. He says "no, I only pin them by a back leg"


----------



## i-a-n (13/8/14)

If you could choose between world peace or having as much cash as Bill Gates......... 


What colour Lamborghini would you buy?


----------



## TheWiggman (14/8/14)

Droopy Brew said:


> *Q*
> How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
> 
> *A*
> ...


Left out the "14 forum posters to support rehydrating the lightbulb, 1 to challenge it"


----------



## TheWiggman (14/8/14)

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-_Pal_, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (15/8/14)

A woman believes her dog is hard of hearing on account of all the hair in its ears, so she goes to the chemist for some hair removal cream, before she has chance to explain to the chemist what it was for the chemist explained to her if you are going to use it on your legs leave it on for 3 minutes then wash it off as it is caustic, if you are going to use it under your arms same thing but less time, if you are going to use it on your face, no more than 30 seconds before washing it off. The woman said to him actually its for my Schnauzer, to which the chemist replied, in that case refrain from riding a bicycle for a fortnight.


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## Blind Dog (17/8/14)

It's late at night. The law firm's office are empty apart from Jonny the new intern. The lights go out. How many lawyers does it take to change the lightbulb?

Six (it is a reputable firm after all)


----------



## Blind Dog (17/8/14)

Duck walks into a bar.

'Got any bread' asks the duck
'No' comes the response. 'We have beer on tap, beer in bottles, wine, a selection of spirits and pickled onions, but no bread'
'Oh' said the duck. 'Got any bread?'
'No' came the slightly bemused response 
'Oh' said the duck. 'Got any bread?'
'No' came the terse response
'Oh' said the duck, lost in thought. 'Got any bread?'
'No. We don't have any bread!!' Shouted the irate batman
'Oh' said the duck taken aback. 'Got any bread?'
'No, we don't gave any ******* bread! We have beer on rap, beer in bottles, wine, a selection of spirits and pickled onions, but no ******* bread and if you ask me for bread one more time I'll bail your ******* beak to the bar!!!'
'Oh' said the duck thoughtfully. 'Got any nails'
'Of course I don't have any nails. This is a ******* bar not ******* bunnings!!!'
'Oh' said the duck. 'Got any bread?'


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## Mardoo (18/8/14)

TheWiggman said:


> Left out the "14 forum posters to support rehydrating the lightbulb, 1 to challenge it"


Not to mention one to start the lightbulb build thread...


----------



## warra48 (18/8/14)




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## Mardoo (18/8/14)

HA! A friend of mine used to say, "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."


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## manticle (18/8/14)

TheWiggman said:


> There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
> Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
> "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
> "Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
> ...


I hope you typed all that, preferably using a mobile device.


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## wereprawn (19/8/14)

The past, present and future walk into a bar . It was tense.


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## wereprawn (19/8/14)

Have you heard the one about the Irish hypochondriac? 

He refused to have sex until the swelling went down.


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## Droopy Brew (19/8/14)

Dad joke time then I see.


Whats brown and runny?









Usain Bolt


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## Ducatiboy stu (19/8/14)

manticle said:


> I hope you typed all that, preferably using a mobile device.


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## i-a-n (20/8/14)

Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe 
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on 
the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It must be miracle.
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. 
I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. 
He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
Quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. 
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No Miracle' 

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side


----------



## Camo6 (20/8/14)

Mrs Thompson was teaching the children about animals. She asked the kids if they could run through the alphabet and name an animal that started with the letter.

When she asked who could name an animal starting with A, little Johnny's arm shot straight up. Knowing he'd just use a colourful expletive she chose another child who answered aardvark. 
When she got to B up went Johnny's arm again. 'Not a chance' the teacher thought. The same went for C and D and so forth. Every time Johnny's arm was straight up and waving madly. Finally the teacher got to R and couldn't think of a swear word that started with it.
"Ok Johnny, can you name an animal starting with R?" She asked apprehensively.
"Rats." Said Johnny as the teacher breathed a sigh of relief.
"Huge fuckin rats with twelve inch cocks!"


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## Weizguy (28/8/14)

The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and off he goes! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The police officer walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute.
He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope DRIVING for him!


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## Weizguy (28/8/14)

I've got an old mate, Donny, who lives way out in the hills of New Guinea. Oh, and he makes homebrew.
Anyway, it's been a while since we caught up, and I recently received an old-fashioned letter from him, asking if I could take some time to come visit, along with some directions, starting with grabbing a cab from Port Moresby.

OK, so I get to the airport, and speak to the cabbie, and we go on a wild, rough ride out into the hills, taking about an hour an a half.
Cabbie stops in the middle of what might have once been a road, gets his fare money and in barely understandable Pidgin, tells me that where I'm going is about 2 hours walk in 'that' direction, must of it uphill, through wild jungle, and to follow the track.

I thank the cabbie, and set off down this bush track, with my hat on my head to fend off the hot sun and my backpack on my back.

Eventually, I reach the top of the ridge and I can see a shack at the top of the next crest, about a kilometre away, so I descend into the valley, and up the other side.

OK, so when I get there, and the house (not really a house, but a colossal bush mansion, handbuilt and with expansive verandahs, with hand-carved tables and chairs, set on the ridge overlooking the jungle vista) is in sight, just up the hill, my old mate charges down the hill to greet me with a cave-man hug. He grabs my backpack, and grabs me and throws me over his shoulder and literally carries me up to the house, such is his joy to see another human being.

This guy has been seriously lonely. He starts jabbering at me a mile a minute, and then slows down, apologises, remembers his manners and yells "Beer", and offers a sun-scorched smile.
He scampers into the house, leaving me out on the verandah, seated at the large table wondering what he puts into his beer, what with difficulty hauling in heavy ingredients and such.
Next thing, he's back out, with a silver service tray, a long bottle (apparently of local origin and obviously refilled and recapped by a homebrewer), as well as two large pilsner glasses.
He cracks the lid and pours the beer, and it looks marvellous, bright gold and a large thick white persistent head.
Donny raises his glass and I guzzle a huge mouthful, while he hesitates, glass in hand. Then the reaction: I cough, hack, shake and squirm. My tastebuds recoil in disgust from the vile concoction. It's bitter and disgusting and I don't want any more. I just worked out why he did not raise the glass to his lips. Filthy!

Next thing Donny is holding an old pistol to my head, and tells me to "Scull up". He looks deadly serious and fires a shot out into the jungle to allay any fears that he's only joking. So I hold my nose and quaff the rest of it, repeating the shocking initial experience, and a bonus, minor convulsion along with it.
Donny smiles again. Then he hands me the gun and says; "Your turn. Now you hold the gun on me".


----------



## dave81 (9/9/14)

What kind of bees make milk













Boobees


----------



## Weizguy (10/9/14)

A country boy from the Tassie bush moves to Arkansas to start his working life, both to get away from home and because he enjoys the sound of banjos. Let’s call him Donny. He secures a job as a bus conductor.
He is not very successful in his new role and often upsets patrons. On one occasion, Donny has had enough of one old drunk guy who was belittling and humiliating him and his Tassie accent and his choice of career, and Donny unleashes a mighty punch to the old guy’s dome, killing him on impact.
I won’t carry on about the summary trial, where Donny pleads guilty and is sentenced, suffice it to say that this is Arkansas and they have capital punishment and the death penalty is ultimately imposed on him.
Donny spends a little while on Death Row, and is advised that the lethal injection drugs are not available, so he will be given death by electrocution. As is traditional and accepted, Donny is offered his last meal. He knows exactly what he wants, and eschews the traditional Filet Mignon, and asks for a case of Tasmanian apples from a specific orchard, in the Tamar valley. This request takes another week to be fulfilled but the apples are procured and provided to Donny on the evening before his sentence is to be carried out.
Donny thanks the warder, and opens the box of apples as the warder walks away.
Next morning, in each tray in the box, there is but an apple stem where each apple sat previously.
The guard arrives and Donny is escorted down to the execution chamber, where his head is shaved and oiled, and he is strapped into the electric chair, left wrist, right wrist, left ankle, then right ankle and headpiece. Last rites are provided by a nervous-looking clergyman of indeterminate affiliation, with a sincere offer of absolution.
The executioner takes his cue from the end of the ceremony, and allows the charge to build up by pulling the primary lever, with some fizzling and crackling of electrons.
He offers Donny the opportunity of any last words, and he flicks the switch to empower the last lever, for final discharge of the electricity to Donny’s awaiting body.
Donny has no comments and no regrets and tells the executioner to go ahead. Failing any further response from Donny, bar a nod of the head; upon which signal, the anonymous hooded heavy-set man pulls the ultimate lever.
Nothing! No electricity, no discharge, no execution.
Donny is, in time, unstrapped, and summarily escorted back to his cell, where he is left to his thoughts, and where he is later advised that the execution equipment will be checked and tested, before his execution will be completed.
A week later, exhaustive testing cannot find a fault and all subsequent tests have shown the equipment to work.
Donny is offered another last meal. The prison Head Warder is surprised that Donny again shuns the traditional big steak dinner with all the trimmings, and again asks for the same apples from the specific boutique orchard in the Tamar Valley in Tasmania.
The usual expected wait occurs before the apples are provided to Donny. The next morning again each individual tray in the apple box has a single stem placed in it when the warder arrives to take Donny for his last walk.
In the execution chamber, Donny is ushered to his seat and prepared, by having his head shaved and oiled, then being strapped into the chair, left wrist, right wrist, left ankle, then right ankle and headpiece.
Donny has seen all this before and is not fazed in the least. Last rites are provided by another anonymous clergyman who offers him the gift of salvation and eternal life. Donny has no need for these things. Then, a pull of the lever arms the device, the lever to activate the discharge mechanism is next to be engaged, the final offer of “any last words?”, all the while an intense hissing and buzzing of electricity and near-overloaded equipment.
Then, the big hooded ghoul throws the final lever to send the killing charge into Donny’s soon-to-be lifeless body… and NOTHING! No discharge, no frying scalp, no searing pain and… you get the idea.
Donny yawns and is again freed from his bonds and escorted back to his cell by a prison guard who cannot believe this Aussie’s luck.
Another round of intensive equipment testing is carried out, and the same as the previous occasion, there is no fault to be discovered and the equipment passes 3 weeks of testing and the execution is again given the green light to proceed.
On this occasion, there are some drugs available for a lethal injection, making Donny a little nervous, but a final audit shows insufficient quantities available, so the fall-back plan is again the electric chair.
Donny is advised of this eventuality, and is offered a final final meal. Donny, on this occasion chooses apples again, from his specified orchard in the Tamar valley in his old home state of Tasmania. However, this time, the apples are already in stock at the prison’s preferred vendor, as they somehow expected there might be a need, and the apples are supplied to Donny within 24 hours of his request.
The next morning, a number of prison guards arrive to see all the apples have been eaten and they inspect the trays with the individually-allocated apple stems.
Donny is marched down the corridor to the familiar chamber, and the laborious process ensues. Sit down, head shaved and oiled, strapped into the chair, left wrist, right wrist, left ankle, then right ankle and headpiece. Last rites blah, blah, blah. Throw the lever now, please.
In quick succession, the hooded behemoth throws the two initial levers and allows the charge to accumulate in the apparatus.
“Anything to say?”, he grunts, and before Donny can reply, the final lever is thrown, allowing the gargantuan voltage to send a mass flow of electrons…nowhere.
Donny is released from the equipment, and advised that “they” usually set you free if three acts of God deny you a just and fair execution.
In good time, Donny is given his pardon, and released from prison, and allowed to depart the United States to head home to Tassie, where he lives out his many remaining years, and propagates many children and grand-children.


Oh, you’re wondering about the apples?



Early on, I told you that Donny was a bad conductor…


----------



## Blind Dog (10/9/14)

I hope you typed that

On a phone


----------



## Weizguy (10/9/14)

Not on a phone, but all typed out on a keyboard, as best I could replicate the original.


----------



## spryzie (10/9/14)

What happened to the wooden car with the wooden wheels and wooden engine? 


It wooden go!


----------



## Bribie G (11/9/14)

I picked up a lady hitch hiker yesterday.

She told me she was a witch.

Bullshit, I said, prove it.

So she put her hand on my knee and I turned into a rest area.


----------



## mr_wibble (14/9/14)

Bribie G said:


> I picked up a lady hitch hiker yesterday.
> 
> She told me she was a witch.
> 
> ...


She must have had that Witch itch.


----------



## Weizguy (15/9/14)

I got a sweater for my birthday.

Not bad, but I would have preferred a squealer, a grunter or a moaner (in order of preference).


----------



## manticle (15/9/14)

I got a squirter for christmas.


----------



## jyo (15/9/14)

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?











He worked it out with a pencil.


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (15/9/14)

The 7 Dwarves decided that after Snow White got married and kicked them out of the house that they would go on a holiday in Europe
Upon arriving in Italy they decided to go visit the Vatican & the Pope, who decided to give them an audience.
After a brief blessing and prayer, Dopey goes up to the Pope and asks " Are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican"
"Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns in the vatican" replied the Pope
After a bit of a chuckle from the other dwarves, Dopey asks " Are there any dwarf nuns in Italy"
"No, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy"
After some more chuckling, Dopey asks " Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe"
"No, I dont think there are any dwarf nuns in Europe"
By then the chuckling started to become soft laughing, and Dopey asked " Are there any dwarf nuns any where in the world"
"No, I dont believe there are dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"
By then the other dwarves where in full laughter, which the Pope noticed and asked Dopey why he wanted to know about dwarf nuns
To which Dopey replied " Well it looks like Grumpy fucked a penguin"


----------



## Camo6 (16/9/14)

A man standing next to a woman at a bar leans over and says "Can I smell your pussy?"
"No you most certainly cannot!" exclaimed the woman in disgust.
"Oh well then." replied the man. "It must be your feet."


----------



## Weizguy (16/9/14)

Come on Stu, I call recycling old jokes from here


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## Weizguy (17/9/14)

manticle said:


> I got a squirter for christmas.


Serious, Manticle? That's just crude.


Anyway, I already have one of those... :icon_drool2:


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (17/9/14)

Les the Weizguy said:


> Come on Stu, I call recycling old jokes from here


That was in 2009...and as I changed some of the wording I claim it as a new joke.


----------



## manticle (17/9/14)

Les the Weizguy said:


> Serious, Manticle? That's just crude.
> 
> 
> Anyway, I already have one of those... :icon_drool2:


Water pistols are crude?


----------



## Weizguy (17/9/14)

manticle said:


> Water pistols are crude?


Yep, and messy, if you do it right.


----------



## Florian (17/9/14)

Blind Dog said:


> Duck walks into a bar.
> 
> 'Got any bread' asks the duck
> 'No' comes the response. 'We have beer on tap, beer in bottles, wine, a selection of spirits and pickled onions, but no bread'
> ...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFPf7wrLWxg


----------



## Snow (23/9/14)

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bison :lol:


----------



## Kiwimike (23/9/14)

*[SIZE=18pt]A MAN (GARDENER) TAKES A LADY OUT TO DINNER FOR THE FIRST TIME.[/SIZE]*

[SIZE=18pt]Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said ‘I LOOKED UP BEAUTIFUL CLIMBING ROSE IN THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA LAST NIGHT AND IT SAID:[/SIZE]







[SIZE=18pt]BEST SUITED FOR ROOTING AGAINST A BRICK WALL OR FENCE. NO GOOD IN AN OPEN BED!’.[/SIZE]


----------



## Ivan Other One (16/10/14)

Last night I fingered a Gypsy on her period,




She read my palm.


----------



## wereprawn (16/10/14)

Three men have been called up to join the war effort and are waiting to take their medicals.
The first man to take the test is a Pohm. A short time later he emerges from the doctors office with a big smile. "So how'd you go ?"ask the other two. "Great" replies the Pohm. " I have FF and don't have to go to war".
"Great. But what is FF?" ask he two.
"Flat feet" replies the Pohm.

Bloke two is a Scot. He has his medical and comes back clicking his heals together with joy." I don't have to fight either. I have FA."
"And what is FA" ask the other two.
"Fallen arches". Replies the Scot.

Now man three is an Irishman and extremely nervous. He slowly walks in for his exam with head held low. A short time later the Irishman returns with a look of sheer relief, giggling to himself. "Well?" ask the others. "No war for me" says the Irishman, nearly overwhelmed with happiness.
. "I've got FC".
"So whats FC?" ask the Pohm and the Scot.
"******* Cancer"


----------



## jyo (19/10/14)

My 6 year old was telling some jokes earlier. The same old goodies came "Why did the jelly bean go to school? Cause he wanted to be a smartie" etc.

She made this one up off the cuff-

"Why did the beer go to super hero school? He wanted to become a super beero"!

I'm such a great dad!


----------



## Mardoo (19/10/14)

Future conedienne! Give her "Raw" for Christmas!


----------



## Lincoln2 (20/10/14)

Mardoo said:


> Future conedienne! Give her "Raw" for Christmas!


That post made me Delirious.


----------



## Mardoo (23/10/14)

OK, just got this one from Reddit and I must share here:

A young cowboy goes into a bar. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."


----------



## wide eyed and legless (23/10/14)

Very funny mardoo made my evening 
Another old cowboy joke, a young cowboy full of himself was drinking in a saloon, upon leaving he is astonished to find someone had painted his horse green. He strode back into the bar furious and demanded, "Who's painted my horse green". No one moved or spoke, once again he demanded,"Who has painted my ******* horse green". A chair scraped back and a big mean looking cowboy stood up and said."It was me, I painted your ******* horse green" To which the young cowboy replied meekly, "Well can I borrow your paint brush you missed a bit behind its ears".


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## wide eyed and legless (24/10/14)

Yet another cowboy joke, A cowboy ventriloquist rode onto a ranch and the rancher and his dog approached him, he leant over to pat the dog, and asked the dog how he was, the dog said fine I am looked after really well, good food and lots of exercise.
The rancher was astonished, the cowboy went over to the ranchers horse and asked how he was, the horse said real good lots of oats and stabled every night and the rancher is really good to me. The rancher was absolutely gob-smacked, the cowboy spotted some sheep and said to the rancher lets go over and talk to the sheep, the rancher said, "No way them there sheep aint nothin but danged liars.


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## Eagleburger (29/10/14)

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply. 'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to have a warming drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.


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## DU99 (26/11/14)

*A** millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died." *

**************************************************************************************************


*A man received the following text from his neighbor:*

*I am so sorry mate. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, night and day when your not around, in fact more than you.*

*I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.*

*I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope that you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.*

*The man anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without uttering a word shot his wife and killed her.*

*A few moments later a second text came in:*

*Bloody auto spell! I meant "Wifi, not Wife"*

***************************************************************************************

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


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## DU99 (26/11/14)

*Why Did Man Invent BEER*​​


----------



## GrumpyPaul (26/11/14)

DU99 said:


> *Why Did Man Invent BEER*​


Funniest thing about that joke is me try ing to look at it with the auto rotate on the stupid phone.


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## brewermp (27/11/14)

GrumpyPaul said:


> Funniest thing about that joke is me try ing to look at it with the auto rotate on the stupid phone.


Haha I was going to do the same then realised rotate would stuff me.


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## Eagleburger (4/12/14)

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


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## spog (4/12/14)

Showed this to my wife ( a bean counter) she loved it and has sent it on to her work.
The wife says thanks for the laugh.
Cheers...spog...


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## Eagleburger (5/12/14)

Not often an old joke with a new twist, makes me laugh as hard as I did, when I read that one.


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## DU99 (12/12/14)

*Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: 

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! **The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure,** we can't tell anybody."* 


*The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy (Electricity supplier in India ) because the electricity bill has not been paid. * 


*“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?” * 


*"Yes... speaking" * 


*Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" * 


*"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. * 


*"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.* 


*"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????" * 


*“Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue”* 


*“GOD!!!!!!... ........ This is too much........ .." * 


*"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" * 


*"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight..... He will speak to your company tomorrow” * 


*That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Reliance office the next day morning. * 


*"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. * 


*"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." * 


*"PAY you? And if I refuse?" * 


*"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." * 


*"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. * 

*"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." !!!!!!!!!*


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## DU99 (12/12/14)

*[SIZE=16pt]Farmer talk about computers...[/SIZE]*​*[SIZE=16pt]* Log On - Makin' the wood stove hotter.
* Log Off - Don't add no more wood.
* Monitor - Keep an eye on th' wood stove.
* Download - Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
* Mega Hertz - When ya ain't careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).
* Floppy Disk - Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
* Disk Operating System - Equipment Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.
* RAM - The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work.
* Hard Drive - Gettin' home in mud season.
* Prompt - What you wish the mail was in mud season.
* Windows - What to shut when it's 30 below.
* Screen - What you need for bug season.
* Byte - What bugs do.
* Chip - What to munch on.
* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
* Infrared - Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
* Modem - What you did to the hay fields.
* Dot Matrix - John Matrix's wife.
* Printer - Someone who can't write in cursive.
* Lap Top - Where little kids feel comfy.
* Keyboard - Where you hang your keys.
* Software - Them plastic eatin' utensils.
* 486 - One of them fancy imported cars.
* Mouse - What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
* Main Frame - The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
* Port - Hole on top a th' silo
* Enter - C'mon in!
* Random Access Memory - When you suddenly can't remember how much that antique tractor costs when your wife asks.
* Digital - Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
* Apple - If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
* Program - What's on the TV when there's reception.[/SIZE]*


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## wide eyed and legless (15/12/14)

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost, he spots a man in the field below and brings his balloon down lower and asks the man,'Do you know where I am'? The man replies,'You're approximately 30 foot in the air above this field'.
The man in the balloon replied,'You must be an engineer'. 'I am,how do you know' replied the man. The man in the balloon replied,'Well everything you have told me is technically correct, but it is no use to anyone'.
'You must be in management' replied the man on the ground. 'I am, how do you know' said the man in the balloon.
The man on the ground replied,'Well you don't know where you are or which way to go, but you expect me to help, you are in the same position as you were before we met but now it's my fault.


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## Brew Forky (23/12/14)

At knock off time tonight the boys were talking about an ape drinking a beer at a bar and I thought of this old lame joke, but decided not to hold them up with 5 days off coming up. So I'll get it off my chest here.

An ape walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says "We don't serve apes here." Ape angrily says "GIMME A BEER". Bartender says "Nope, Sorry mate." Ape goes nuts and bites a chunk off the bar and spits it on the ground and screames "GIMME A FUCKIN BEER!!" Bartender says "Nope, we don't serve drug addicts here." Ape looks confused and asks what he means. Bartender points at the floor and says "Look at that bar-bit-you-ate".


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## DU99 (24/12/14)

*Office Xmas Party*

*[SIZE=11pt]FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]TO: All Employees[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]DATE: October 01, 2014[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]RE: Christmas Party[/SIZE]*

[SIZE=11pt]I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time![/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]Merry Christmas to you and your family.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]Patty[/SIZE]


*[SIZE=11pt]FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]TO: All Employees[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]DATE: October 02, 2014[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]RE: Holiday Party[/SIZE]*

[SIZE=11pt]In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]Happy now?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]Happy Holidays to you and your family.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]Patty[/SIZE]


*[SIZE=11pt]FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]To: All Employees[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]DATE: October 04, 2014[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]RE: Holiday Party[/SIZE]*

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
[SIZE=11pt]Did I miss anything?!?!?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]Patty[/SIZE]


*[SIZE=11pt]FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]TO: All F***ing Employees[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]DATE: October 05, 2014[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]RE: The F***ing Holiday Party[/SIZE]*

[SIZE=11pt]Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]The B*tch from HELL!!!!!!!![/SIZE]


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
*[SIZE=11pt]DATE: October 06, 2014[/SIZE]*
*[SIZE=11pt]RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party[/SIZE]*

[SIZE=11pt]I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=11pt]Happy Holidays![/SIZE]


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## wide eyed and legless (30/12/14)

A man holidaying on the isle of Corfu comes across a quaint tiny fishing village, he stops in the local tavern for a drink, while inside he spots an old man sitting in the corner, alone and miserable. The holiday maker bought a bottle of the local wine asked for 2 glasses and went to sit with the sad looking man, they had a few drinks together and the holiday maker asks the sad old man what his problem was.
The old man turned to look at him with his sad eyes and said,"The cobbled street you walked up,I laid those cobblestones, but do they call me Theo the cobblestone layer, no. The sails on the fishing boats you saw in the harbour,I made those sails, but do they call me Theo the sail maker,no. The terracotta tiles on the roofs of the houses, I made those tiles but do they call me Theo the tile maker, no. But **** one goat".


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## pk.sax (30/12/14)

I saw Santa root a reindeer after hours.




















Maybe he was drunk.


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## Snow (6/1/15)

Brew Forky said:


> At knock off time tonight the boys were talking about an ape drinking a beer at a bar and I thought of this old lame joke, but decided not to hold them up with 5 days off coming up. So I'll get it off my chest here.
> 
> An ape walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says "We don't serve apes here." Ape angrily says "GIMME A BEER". Bartender says "Nope, Sorry mate." Ape goes nuts and bites a chunk off the bar and spits it on the ground and screames "GIMME A FUCKIN BEER!!" Bartender says "Nope, we don't serve drug addicts here." Ape looks confused and asks what he means. Bartender points at the floor and says "Look at that bar-bit-you-ate".


Or... there's my expanded version here: http://aussiehomebrewer.com/topic/30163-continuing-jokes-thread/?p=472792


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## Camo6 (9/1/15)

A married couple, Tom and Mary, were away on a cruise trying to reinvigorate their marriage when they became friends with another couple, Jo and Sue, trying to do the same.

One afternoon, the two husbands were having a few drinks when Joe suggested to Tom that they try a partner swap for the night. Tom, knowing his wife had her monthly visitor, happily agreed and suggested that, to make things interesting, the following morning at breakfast they should tap on the table as to how many times each had copulated with the other's wife.

After some discussion with their partners they convinced them this was what their marriages needed and they retired to their cabins for the night.

The next morning at the breakfast table, Tom, smirking at his cleverness, rapped on the butter dish three times with his spoon. Joe, with a large grin, picked up his knife and tapped once on the jam and five times on the vegemite.


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## Mardoo (9/1/15)

That's filthy! 

Here's one not in the jokes thread:

http://www.aussiehomebrewer.com/index.php?/topic/84572-The-magician-and-the-Parrot


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## wynnum1 (17/1/15)

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."


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## DU99 (31/1/15)

*[SIZE=24pt]Sex after surgery![/SIZE]*​*[SIZE=18pt]A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, [/SIZE]**[SIZE=18pt]he lost all interest in sex. [/SIZE]*​​*[SIZE=18pt]A hospital spokesman replied:[/SIZE]**[SIZE=18pt]"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight[/SIZE]* *[SIZE=18pt].“[/SIZE]*​


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## DU99 (31/1/15)

*You Know It's Hot In Australia When!*







1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)
22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You
25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate
26) Share with ya mates so they can laugh too


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## PrepH (31/1/15)

They call me the tear jerker.

Cos I cry when I masturbate


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## Bribie G (2/2/15)




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## Ivan Other One (3/2/15)

Mohammad told his wife that he was going to go on a suicide bombing mission.
All she could say was ,,,,,,"Baaaaaaah"

Q:-What do you call a Muslim with more than one wife?
A;-A Shepherd.


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## DU99 (8/2/15)

*HERE'S ONE FOR THE LADIES*












A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


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## DU99 (8/2/15)

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a nice little older lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

*'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'*


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## Ivan Other One (14/2/15)

Tony Abbott's 5th anniversary rolled around and he asks his wife;
"Lets try something different tonight dear. How about we give Anal sex a try?
'I'm good at that" Marge replied, "After all, for the past 5 years I've been having sex with an arsehole!!!"


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## DU99 (8/3/15)

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes to the gate house and phones up God saying "I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?"

God says "we are over our quota on gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let just a dozen in"

Two minutes later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

"They've gone" he tells God.

"What?" says God "All 40 of them?"




......................................................................


"NO, the gates!!"


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## DU99 (22/3/15)

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


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## DU99 (22/3/15)

[SIZE=18pt]On safari with the mother in law . . [/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. [/SIZE]

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. 

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. 

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion. 

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. 

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”


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## Droopy Brew (7/4/15)

A man walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 dollar coins to play with to keep him occupied.

 Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. He must have swallowed all three. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter,gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the dollar to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with The Australian Taxation Office'


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## H0U5ECAT (7/4/15)

Heard the one about a guy who walks into a bar?

Knocked himself out.


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## H0U5ECAT (7/4/15)

Heard the other one about a guy who walks into a bar?
Knocked himself out too. You would have thought he would have seen the other bloke do it first.


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## wide eyed and legless (8/4/15)

Bloke walks into the doctors with a parrot on his head the doctor says, 'What the hell have you got there' 
The parrot says, 'Fucked if I know, it started of as a wart on me arse.'


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## Camo6 (8/4/15)

Man goes to the doctors and says:

"You gotta help me Doc. Sometimes I think I'm a teepee, other times a wigwam."

"You're too tense." replied the Doctor.


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## QldKev (9/4/15)

I purchased a penis enlargement kit from ebay, they sent me a magnifying glass and tweezers


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## TheWiggman (9/4/15)

Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just passing through."

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.

I'll be here all week folks...


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## spog (9/4/15)

TheWiggman said:


> Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"[/size]
> 
> A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."[/size]
> 
> ...


Noooooo.


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## Airgead (11/4/15)

I'd tell you a hydrogen and sodium pun... but NaH


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## wynnum1 (12/4/15)

Potentially Vs. Realistically








A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.

Can you help me?” The father thought for a moment, then answered. “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... But Realistically... We’re living with two sluts and a gay guy.


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## Red Baron (13/4/15)




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## mr_wibble (14/4/15)

Red Baron said:


> German.jpg


A uni student from Frankfurt gets a summer job doing night-shift at a lighthouse on the North Sea.
It's a few weeks into the job, and huge storm has blown up. The winds are howling, and the sea is furious.

Suddeny the radio crackles into life ~

"HELP! HELP! WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!"

He picks up the radio hand set, and tentatively pushes the button ~

"Ah yah..."
"But vhat are you sinking about?"


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## Ditchnbeer (15/4/15)

To continue the German theme:

A young German man is thinking about having a holiday and can't decide on a destination.
His Grandfather says "You must take your best friends with you to Paris!"
The young German asks why.
Grandfather replies "Its is an unbelievable city - you can do whatever you want! Last time I was there my friends and I were at a cafe, and I took fancy to the waitress, so I grabbed her, smashed the table clear and had my way with the waitress right there in front of everyone!"
The young German is suitably impressed with that, and subsequently organises a trip to Paris.
Weeks later, the Grandfather gets a phone call to tell him that his grandson is in hospital, and in a bad way.
The Grandfather visits his grandson in hospital and asks what happened.
The grandson says "I did go to Paris as you suggested. But when I decided to have my way with a waitress at a cafe, all the other diners weren't happy and set upon me, badly beating me unconscious."
Grandfather replies "It is important that you took your best friends - who did you go with?"
Grandson replies "My best 3 friends - Hans, Ernst and Marco. Why, who did you go with Grandfather?"
Grandfather replies "The Gestapo!"


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## wide eyed and legless (15/4/15)

The European Commission


The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt


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## Trevandjo (22/4/15)




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## DU99 (22/4/15)

*[SIZE=14pt]A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around
the block?'Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does
that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage' .
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on
the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep
Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block' .The
little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'





The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.'[/SIZE]*


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## DU99 (22/4/15)

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs
and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
should make a full recovery.


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## wide eyed and legless (27/4/15)

At The Antiques Roadshow a punter shows an item to one of the resident experts, saying,'It were in t'attic when me father were a lad, and it were in t'attic when me grandfather were a lad, so I've brought it along here to find out what it is'.
Resident expert replies,'Its your ******* immersion heater'.


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## DU99 (29/4/15)

Right at the end of a Radio 4 program recently, there was a discussion about the
obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 & £100 per game
is not uncommon.

A senior citizen being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the
turnstiles (probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?!" the old gent said "I could get a woman for that!"

The guy on the turnstile retorted . . . . .
"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"


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## DU99 (29/4/15)

_The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."_


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## DU99 (7/5/15)

*An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."*

*A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.*

*Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."*
*Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."*
*Doctor: "This is petrol!"*
*Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."*

*The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.*

*Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."*

*Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."*
*Doctor: "But that is petrol!"*
*Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."*

*The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."*
*Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.*
*Here, take this $1,000."*
*Doctor: "But this is only $500..."*

*Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."*


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## malt and barley blues (8/5/15)

Frank Ifield today launched his comeback as a recording artist with a new single which was penned by Johnny Rotten, its called, I remember you, you bastard.


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## DU99 (16/5/15)

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.


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## DU99 (16/5/15)

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he stayed in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

He replied sheepishly, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears." He asked, "Sergeant Major, how did you know I wear contacts?"

"Well, sir," the soldier replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no effing ears".


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## wide eyed and legless (17/5/15)

Another Superman joke: Superman was flying around bored to tears, nothing on the crime front so he decides to look around for his super power friends, he gathers a bit of height and its not long before he spots Wonder Woman lying on top of a roof naked with her legs wide apart. He decides he's going to fly down faster than a speeding bullet and give her a large portion and be gone before she knows whats hit her, he carries out his deed and Wonder Woman sits up and says,'What the hell was that.'
The invisible man says, 'I don't know but it didn't half hurt my arse'


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## butisitart (23/5/15)

a girl walks into the bar and says 'bartender, i'd like a double entendre'.
so he gives her one.

this irishman walks out of a bar....


paddy has a terrible fall - run over by a truck while pedalling around. still unconcious, the family is informed that he'll be ok, but the neurosurgeon has to remove 10% of his brain. he'll be fine, it's part of the right coxial membranic apse not active in human activity.
'we want our paddy, so we need done what needs to be done', they chorused.
after a six hour operation, paddy gets wheeled out from surgery and regains conciousness with the chief of medical staff waiting.
'We're so sorry paddy. We're so sorry. the surgeon mis-read the surgery sheet and only left 10% of your brain. We're so so sorry.'
'awww... she'll be right mate.'


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## DU99 (26/5/15)

Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town searched high and low, and when he eventually found one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch.

In an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed that he wasn't actually saying anything.

As the minutes passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying nothing into the receiver.

After a quarter of an hour, the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone. Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool. Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the phone from the other man's hand.

"Do you mind!" said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!"


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## Goose (6/6/15)

_*The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.*_













_*Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"*_










_*She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , *_


_*who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.*_










_*"Very good! *_





_*Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"*_










_*Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."*_










_*"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –*_













_*Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"*_










_*Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."*_










_*The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, *_


_*Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."*_













_*She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."*_










_*"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.*_










_*Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."*_













_*At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'*_










_*The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"*_










_*Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."*_













_*Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"*_










_*Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"*_













_*Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"*_










_*Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."*_













_*The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"*_










_*Little Akio said quietly, "The South African people, when Zuma was elected, May 2009."* _


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## Bribie G (7/6/15)

Three Southern ladies discussing the nicknames they give their lovers.

I call mine Bluey cos he has red hair
I call mine Shorty cos he's six foot five

I call mine Drambuie

Ain't that some kinda fancy likka?

You betcha


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## DU99 (20/6/15)

An elderly woman walked into a bank one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the manager because, she said, she had a lot of money. After a lengthy discussions the elderly woman was taken to the manager's office.

The bank manager asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000". The manager was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The manager was surprised and asked "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square". The manager started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the manager and said "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly" replied the manager. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square". "Done" the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness". "No problem" said the bank manager confidently.

That night, the manager became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the manager's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the manager's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The manager was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the manager if she could touch them. "Of course" he said. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure".

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the manager noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that at 10 o'clock in the morning I would have the bank managers balls in my hand!"


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## DU99 (20/6/15)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better".

Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time...

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"


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## DU99 (20/6/15)

A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a sniffer dog. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".

The plane took off, and once it had levelled out, the Policeman said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "Search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said "Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police".

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to "Search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

He asked the Policeman "What's going on?"

The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb".


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## wide eyed and legless (21/6/15)

Two guys sitting quietly on a veranda, when one asks the other, 'Do you like women with a fat arse and short fat legs' , His mate replies, 'No I don't'. 'With a fat stomach, and long sagging tits'. His mate replies, 'NO I don't'. 'With rotten teeth and lank greasy hair'. His mate replies, 'NO I ******* DON'T'. The other says, 'Well why are you ******* my wife then?'


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## Camo6 (21/6/15)

Two philosophers were sitting on the verandah at a nudist colony. The first asked: "Have you read Marx?"
"Yes" replied the second, "it's the wicker chairs."


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## Camo6 (21/6/15)

A fisheries officer stopped a young man walking up from the beach with a bag of crayfish. "Let's see your fishing licence, son" he said.
"I don't have one sir, these are my pets." he replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" exclaimed the officer.
"It's true sir, every evening I take them for a walk to the beach and let them swim for five minutes, then I whistle and they all jump back in the bag and we go home again."
"You think I came down in the last shower son? Well, come on." he chuckled. "Show me."
So the young man and the fisheries officer walked down to the waters edge and the young man whispered gently to the crayfish as he carefully placed them in the water.
Then they stood back and waited. After five minutes the officer turned to the man and said with a triumphant smile: "Ha! Times up, me boy, where are these crayfish of yours?"
"What crayfish?" Replied the young man.


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## Ducatiboy stu (4/7/15)

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts


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## DU99 (27/7/15)

[SIZE=12pt]Air Force one arrives at London Heathrow, out steps President Obama who strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the outskirts of London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage pulled by 6 white horses. They continue into London to the cheers of the crowds.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Suddenly, the rear right horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]The Queen turns to the President "Mr President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand that there are something's even a Queen cannot control".[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential' replied "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses...[/SIZE]


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## DU99 (27/7/15)

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. 

The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" 

The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."

The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?

"Turns out we watch different movies."


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## DU99 (27/7/15)

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".


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## DU99 (27/7/15)

[SIZE=12pt]A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]The doctor says "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]George replies "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off".[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]"Wow, that's incredible" the doctor says.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel" he says "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]"Oh sh1t!" exclaims Ethel. "He's pi55ing in the refrigerator again!"[/SIZE]


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## Mardoo (27/7/15)

Alaskan Bob has waited his whole life to bag a bear, but his permit just never seemed to come up. Then finally, one day the heavens open and Bob gets his bear tag. He is SOOOOOO stoked. Totally stoked!!!! He can't wait and starts planning his trip, packing his F150, just getting totally ******* ready to go.

The big day arrives and he heads out to black bear territory, pack on, rifle in hand with his sweet new sight. Bob investigates the area, finds some fresh bear sign and sets up his blind. He settles down for a long, patient wait. A few hours and a few nips from his flask later a nice size blackie walks into view. Not championship, but Bob isn't picky at this point and he sets his stance, shoulders his weapon and BLAM!!!! One black bear falls down dead. Bob jumps out of his blind whooping and he can't believe his luck. Fuckin' hell he's waited years for this! Suddenly there's a tap on his shoulder. Bob turns around and sees the biggest grizzly he's ever seen standing RIGHT behind him. After Bob wets his pants in fear the big grizzly grabs Bob, yanks down his pants and fucks Bob in the ass like no one's ever been fucked in the ass before. The grizzly says, "Don't shoot ******* bears you asshole," and walks away, leaving Bob in a world of pain.

While Bob is in the hospital and the doctors laugh at him behind his back, Bob plans his revenge. No tag, no permit, no waiting. A year later he's all set up and walking pretty much normal again. Bob and his F150 head out again. He's gonna find that grizzly and make him pay. Bob gets a bush pilot to do flyovers so he can scout the area and work out where that grizzly lives. Finally, after much setup (ba-doom pish!) Bob is ready and heads out to what he thinks is the grizzly's home ground. He goes through the same routine again, hike, scout, blind, wait, nips and his sweet revenge is finally in his sights. There's that same damn grizzly. Bob knows for sure because his ass hurts just looking at the bear. He lets loose his round and again the heavens open for Bob as the grizzly drops to the ground. "**** you bear! ****! YOU!" Bob shouts as he jumps for joy. Suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder. "No Bob. **** you," and the most ginormous polar bear Bob has ever seen gives him the ass ******* of three lifetimes. Bob lays back and thinks of England.

After a few months of reconstructive surgery and recovery, after a few months reassuring himself he's still a man, after another six months of preparation, Bob hits the road again. The polar bear must die. Reconnaissance, hiking, tracking, setup. Sweet, deadly revenge is in Bob's grasp. He's waiting. Waiting. Waiting. No bear. Where's the ******* bear? He waits some more. Finally a polar bear walks into his sights. It's not the same one though! But dammit, it's time for Bob to reclaim his manhood from these ******* bears. He raises his rifle, breathes out slowly, and feels a tap on his shoulder. There, behind him, is the same polar bear from last year. Bob clenches his teeth, closes his eyes and tries to man up for the inevitable when he hears the bear say, "Bob, here you are again. Let's be honest, this isn't about the hunting, is it?"

Edit: And yes, for wankers like me, their territories do overlap.


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## DU99 (1/8/15)

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. 
The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." 

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. 
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."


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## DU99 (1/8/15)

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children, then Ted died.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, looking down at Judy, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said: "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend "Margaret, do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her *legs*, Ethel!"


----------



## DU99 (7/8/15)

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his pen1s erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his pen1s were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's pen1s.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his pen1s sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll, then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can... but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse".


----------



## DU99 (9/8/15)

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.


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## DU99 (25/8/15)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'


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## DU99 (25/8/15)

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, "Do it but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The B*stard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f**king!"


JOK#E No2



"Nope can't have gas" Stanley told the dentist.
"It makes me vomit".

"OK we'll have to give you a Cocaine Injection instead" said
the dentist.

"Can't have Cocaine, it brings me out in large blue coloured spots, and
my tongue swells up" replied Stanley.

"No problem you can have 200 mm of Viagra" said the dentist.

"Didn't know Viagra is an anesthetic for a pain killer" Stanley said rather surprised.

"It isn't said the dentist • BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO
WHEN I PULL THAT WISDOM TOOTH OUT.


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## RobW (25/8/15)

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady) 



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams





"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers



Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips



" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns


----------



## DU99 (26/8/15)

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. 

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 

“Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,

“That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” 

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” 

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”


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## flave_7 (26/8/15)

Paddy and Murphy waking along the river and they see two blokes with a huge pile of fish.

Paddy asks how they caught so much.

"Simple" said one of the men "you just get your friend to hang you over the bridge and you can just snatch them out the water."

"I wouldn't use this bridge here though, we've got all of the fish here"

So Paddy and Murphy walk further down and find a bridge. Paddy dangles Murphy over the bridge. After an hour he shouts down.

"Anything yet Murphy?"

Murphy shouts back
"Nothing yet but pull me up, there's a fecking train coming!!!"


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## DU99 (28/8/15)

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop".

The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops".

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"


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## Brew Forky (29/8/15)

She must take after her Mother.

2017 Australian Ford.





2017 Australian Holden.


----------



## flave_7 (29/8/15)

Touched a nerve @DU99 #awkward


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## DU99 (12/9/15)

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven".

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.

St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter sceptically and said "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son" St. Peter said "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''


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## DU99 (12/9/15)

Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.

As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice.

The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run.

Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man, a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, was determined to follow suit.

As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"


----------



## H0U5ECAT (12/9/15)

"Our top story today: Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack."


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## flave_7 (12/9/15)

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman get lost in the jungle and get captured by a tribe! They are brought before the chief and told to go out into the jungle and pick 100 of their favourite fruit. 

Not much of a punishment they think. The Englishman is back first with 100 grapes.
"Now" says the chief "we will insert these grapes into your bum one by one!"
The Englishman is bent over and 100 grapes are pushing into his bum.

Te Scotsman is next back with 100 plums. He faces the same fate. With only 5 plums left to be inserted he begins to laugh uncontrollably.

The chief confused bellows "What is funny?! You want another hundred plums?!"

The Scotsman says through tears of laughter "No chief, it's just I've seen Paddy coming back with 100 pineapples!"


----------



## SBOB (12/9/15)

I went to the zoo today. There was only one animal, a dog... It was a shitzu


----------



## Brew Forky (12/9/15)

I went to the zoo today and saw a sign that said "Beware, this Llama spits"... And I was.


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## DU99 (21/9/15)

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. 
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. 
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" 

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." 


"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?"



and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .


----------



## DU99 (21/9/15)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.


----------



## DU99 (21/9/15)

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer.

And at the appropriate point in the process,
She told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
He would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P... E... N... I... S

His wife fell off her chair laughing
When the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH


----------



## wynnum1 (22/9/15)

DU99 said:


> A woman was helping her husband set up his computer.
> 
> And at the appropriate point in the process,
> She told him that he would now need to enter a password.
> ...


And weak.


----------



## DU99 (2/10/15)

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Do not worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you".

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest".

"Do not worry, Maria" says the mother "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you".

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Do not worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you".

So up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta" says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


----------



## DU99 (2/10/15)

Outbound from Dublin, the flight was airborne approximately thirty minutes when the flight attendant nervously made the following, painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take-off, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passangers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience".

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued: "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight".

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later. "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!"


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## Ducatiboy stu (2/10/15)

For non Australians...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/listen-ya-bunch-of-drongos?utm_term=.jhVjRQwVnd#.tsLzm3PXjO


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## DU99 (10/10/15)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the outback.

She wanted a pair of genuine crocodile shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the sellers, the blonde shouted; "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an crocodile.

Later in the day, the seller is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot crocodile swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in total amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the crocodile on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out; "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


----------



## DU99 (10/10/15)

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Hawthorn fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Hawthorn fans too.

Not really knowing what a Hawthorn fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Hawthorn fan" she retorts.

"Then" asks her teacher "What are you?"

"I'm a proud West Coast Eagles fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is an Eagles fan.

"Well, my dad and mum are Eagles fans, so I'm a Eagles fan too" she responds.

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would you be then?"

"Oh" says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be a Hawthorn fan".


----------



## DU99 (25/10/15)

On the first day, sadly, he packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he got the house removers to come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table; by candle-light he put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centres of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the former wife came back with her new boyfriend, and, at first, all was bliss.

Then, slowly at first, the house began to smell...

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, scrubbing and airing-out the place.

Under the floor boards, the attic and vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 'Exterminators' were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. 

Nothing worked! Unsurprisingly, people stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the sickening stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their asking price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a rotten, stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to enter their property or return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they just had to get out and had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the stench really was, she quickly agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...but only, she insisted, if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.


A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the gullible ex-husband, gleefully they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?


----------



## Camo6 (29/10/15)

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “business, I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of Australia Convention in Brisbane."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are they?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina are the Australians.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Cobber".


----------



## seamad (30/10/15)

Finally……..the story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders ……
“Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn’t the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.
“The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
“Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.
“Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
“By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
“As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:
“Sack my cook”
“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.”


----------



## DU99 (8/11/15)

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes.” replied the officer
“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.
“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”
“What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”


----------



## Bribie G (12/11/15)

*Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip in the countryside.*
*They wake at 1 am and above them is the majesty of the night sky and the Milky Way. *

Holmes: And what do you see, Watson?

Watson: I see the glories of the Milky Way and the Universe.

Holmes: And what does this suggest to you, Watson?

Watson: That there are billions of stars and billions of universes, each with their own billions of stars. Around many of those stars are undoubtedly planets, and there surely must be many alien beings staring into the night sky, wondering exactly the same as we are tonight. 
And what does it suggest to you, Holmes?

Holmes: It suggests to me that someone has stolen the ******* tent.


----------



## Ducatiboy stu (12/11/15)

missychloemon asked:
Do you have any facts about Australia? I have to a school project on their school systems but Im not getting graded on it.









facts-i-just-made-up answered:
Australia and its school systems:
Australia was founded in 1901 by Jimmy “Crocodile” Austral, a deportee of England who was banished for cannibalism, having eaten 32 members of the House of Lords. In accordance with English colonial law, this entitled him to an entire already-inhabited continent.
Austral brought with him his pet rabbit, which was pregnant. Within three years, Australia was completely overrun by rabbits, which lead to Austral building a rabbit proof fence across the country, dividing it into West Australia and New South Wales, the directions North and East were only invented in 1909 and not introduced to Australia in 1921. Most of the rabbits west of the fence evolved into kangaroos, a species which contributed to the invention of the pocket. Most pockets in modern pants are harvested from live kangaroos to this day.
Austral’s son, Dundee Kidman Austral, founded the school system in 1924 as a means to separate native Australians from their children, so they could be more easily abused. About 70,000 hunter gatherers were collected and shipped to “Social Centers for Harrowing Offensive Outrageous Lugubriosity“ or “S.C.H.O.O.L.” where they were viciously broken down and tormented into acting like their insane English overlords. The practice proved so effective at beating children down that it soon caught on in England, then in the rest of Europe, and finally even in America, where schools exist to this day as centers where parents can dump their progeny to be abused in the most nauseating and insulting manners.
Having evolved since those days, presumably with the help of Darwin city, Australia is now a more peaceful land where only 87% of the wildlife is deadly, only 92% of native descendants are subjected to atrocious non-stop abuse, and a mere 99.8% of the English descended population are still cannibals. The school system has also changed over the years to feature more Catholicism.
Australia’s national anthem is “Waltzing Matilda,” a traditional ballad about a homeless man drowning in a puddle. It is currently ruled by Reichskanzler Abbott, a descendant of the Austral family who like his ancestors, lives on a strict diet of human flesh and whole raw onions.
Australia is divided into eight districts:

The Capitol
New South Wales
Tasmanian South Wales
Queen’s South Wales
South South Wales
North South Wales
Victorian South Wales
The West





Australia today thrives on its tourist industry, its pocket industry, and on funds siphoned from “New Zealand,” a set of subsidiary islands to its east where Hobbits are farmed for food and pets. Australia is best known across the world for its didgeridoos, which go like “Oowowowoeowoowowoeow.”
Good luck with your project!











lostchildrenoftheinternet

“The West” 





intimatetronnor

As an Australian I can declare that all of this is 100% true. “The West” does actually take up that much space.







Source: facts-i-just-made-up


4,101 notes


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## DU99 (18/11/15)

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there"... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari LaFerrari, Tesla Model S, Mercedes AMG, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back".


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## DU99 (18/11/15)

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie "Do you have a size 28 AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.

Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?"


The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Err... Have you tried Clearasil?"


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## Dave70 (26/11/15)

Q: What are Obama and Putin having for Christmas dinner.

A: Turkey.


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## DU99 (27/11/15)

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


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## DU99 (27/11/15)

The Blond Pilot








_This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack
and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk
you through this and get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: . . 
. 
*"Our Father....Who art in Heaven......._


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## RobW (27/11/15)

Grandpa of the year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, bickies, all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin."


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## Coodgee (27/11/15)

Bob hawke tells an awesome joke. What a bloody legend.https://youtu.be/GesFxg1R4K0


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## wynnum1 (29/11/15)

Head building contracter on the egyptian pharaohs new pyramid is showing his son the building site and they come upon a raised bench with the workers sitting and there testicles hanging down and another worker under neath holding two bricks .The son asks whats going on and his father answers that these workers are being punished they take two bricks and give them a good solid whack the son says that must realy hurt and the father answers if you get finger or thumb caught between the bricks you quickly learn to be more carefull .


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## RobW (30/11/15)

wynnum1 said:


> Head building contracter on the egyptian pharaohs new pyramid is showing his son the building site and they come upon a raised bench with the workers sitting and there testicles hanging down and another worker under neath holding two bricks .The son asks whats going on and his father answers that these workers are being punished they take two bricks and give them a good solid whack the son says that must realy hurt and the father answers if you get finger or thumb caught between the bricks you quickly learn to be more carefull .


AKA - How to start a camel

:lol:


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## DU99 (2/12/15)

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed".

The clerk winked "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it"


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## Airgead (2/12/15)

I was going to tell a joke about a sodium atom and a hydrogen atom. But then I thought... NaH.


----------



## Mardoo (2/12/15)

Two entangled quarks walk into a bar. They order the same drink.


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## Dave70 (2/12/15)

Some U-235 walks into a bar and bumps into some free neutrons on their way out at a velocity of 8 meters per millisecond. 
As a result, 50,000 people are instantly vaporized and hundreds of thousands more eventually succumb to radiation sickness.


----------



## Kumamoto_Ken (2/12/15)

Gentleman walks into a bookshop and goes up to the counter, "I believe a new book has been published with hints and advice for men with very small penises, I'm interested in buying a copy".
The lady behind the counter is a bit taken aback, "ummm, I don't think it's in yet.."
"That's the one!" says the gent.


----------



## GrumpyPaul (2/12/15)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson have solved another case. Afterwards, they celebrate with a few brandies at their Baker St. residence. Holmes, feeling the brandy, reaches over and puts his hand on Watson's knee.

"Watson, for some time I've wanted to tell you that I quite fancy you."
With a sense of relief Dr. Watson replies, "And I you, my good Holmes. I've simply never felt comfortable expressing my feelings without knowing where you stood on the matter."
"Right", says Holmes, "Let us retire to the bedroom then."
Watson rushes to the bedroom and strips to his shorts. Holmes pulls down Watson's underwear, bends him over the desk then tells him to hold that pose. Complying, Watson watches as Holmes leaves the bedroom and returns with a lemon meringue pie. He smears the pie across Watson's ass and proceeds to bugger him. Later they're lying in bed making small talk. Watson says, "That was fantastic Holmes, but I have to ask; what was all that with the pie?"
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson, lemon-entry."


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## Airgead (2/12/15)

Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.


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## WarmerBeer (2/12/15)

The bartender asks "What can I get you?". A tachyon walks into a bar.


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## Airgead (2/12/15)

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


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## michaeld16 (2/12/15)

A photon checks into a hotel, the bellboy asks if he can help with the luggage, the photon replies "I don't have any I'm traveling light. "


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## Airgead (2/12/15)

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.


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## Ducatiboy stu (2/12/15)

Is Russell's Teapot

If a tree feel in a forest ( and killed the imaginary invisible pink unicorn ) and know one was there, would it of happened ?


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## Dave70 (3/12/15)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Is Russell's Teapot
> 
> If a tree feel in a forest ( and killed the imaginary invisible pink unicorn ) and know one was there, would it of happened ?


I believe it did happen because it gives me a seance of inner peace and kinship with my fellow sentient beings, this in turn shapes my entire worldview.
And if you don't agree or mock the unicorn or say there are other unicorns that died in other forests I'll kill you.


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## Airgead (3/12/15)

I'm reading a great book about anti gravity. I can't put it down.


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## Airgead (3/12/15)

Hey.. Do you know Pavlov? 

Hummmmmm... Name rings a bell.


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## mr_wibble (3/12/15)

Dave70 said:


> I believe it did happen because it gives me a seance of inner peace and kinship with my fellow sentient beings, this in turn shapes my entire worldview.


It gives you a seance of inner peace?

Ouija that I could belive you.


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## Dave70 (3/12/15)

Mr Wibble said:


> It gives you a seance of inner peace?
> 
> Ouija that I could belive you.


Creepy..
Is spell check trying to tell me something?


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## Ducatiboy stu (3/12/15)

Dave70 said:


> I believe it did happen because it gives me a seance of inner peace and kinship with my fellow sentient beings, this in turn shapes my entire worldview.
> And if you don't agree or mock the unicorn or say there are other unicorns that died in other forests I'll kill you.


So your a believer then....







And hopefully not a belieber,,,,,


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## Dave70 (4/12/15)

Even a delusional homicidal maniac has standards you know.


----------



## Trevandjo (5/12/15)

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."
The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat." The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up !!


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## flave_7 (5/12/15)

I was going to tell a chemistry joke but was afraid it wouldn't get a reaction!


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## flave_7 (5/12/15)

Walked up to a girl the other day, gave her a tonic water and asked her out.

She said yes. I guessed I Schwepped her off her feet!


----------



## Airgead (6/12/15)

A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”


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## Coodgee (6/12/15)

Trevandjo said:


> A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."
> The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."
> The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat." The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up !!


That's the best one I've read for a while


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## DU99 (14/12/15)

A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride.

At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently but one day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex.

The old farmer shrugged it off as moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.

After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play and that maybe his wife was fooling around.

So one day he left the tractors engine running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.

While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room.

The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life.

The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn.

The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceeded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vice.

The farmer then welded the vice screw so it could not be loosened.

The farmer pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.

The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut of his manhood.

The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off...I'm just gonna set the barn on fire..."


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## DU99 (14/12/15)

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.

We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times".

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish".

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"


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## Feldon (18/12/15)

...


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## sponge (18/12/15)

DU99 said:


> A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride.
> 
> At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently but one day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex.
> 
> ...


Sounds like James Wan in a previous life.


----------



## DU99 (20/12/15)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 25 pounds"

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you, I will help you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and; gasped:














"They won't let me in without a F#!*@#g tie!"


----------



## DU99 (20/12/15)

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


----------



## DU99 (26/12/15)

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey, she said "you received a very strange post card today".

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later" he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce


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## DU99 (26/12/15)

*Why a Christmas tree is better than a man?*

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


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## DU99 (4/1/16)

It was Christmas time and the Postman's favourite time of the year.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who wished him a 'Merry Christmas' and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks, and the folks at the fourth and fifth houses had clubbed together to present him a fishing rod.

At the sixth house he was met by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind (amongst other things) with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice - the works.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night I asked my husband what we should give the postman for Christmas. He said 'F**k him, give him a dollar!' "Breakfast was my idea.."


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## DU99 (4/1/16)

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.

Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride.

Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off!"


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## DU99 (15/1/16)

*One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.*

*He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"*


*The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?" *





*We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".*





*The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"*





*The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:** "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and *
*​one*
* of Ken's testicles."*


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## DU99 (15/1/16)

Why did the English wear red coats in battle?

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.

They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.


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## wide eyed and legless (18/1/16)

Got rid of my vacuum cleaner today, it was just collecting dust.


----------



## spog (18/1/16)

Bloody door knockers collecting for obscure charities shit me,had a Sheila collecting for a sperm bank, jeez did I give her a mouthfull.


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## seamad (18/1/16)

Q: What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?
A: A Hird.


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## TheWiggman (18/1/16)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.


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## malt and barley blues (19/1/16)

My wife sent her picture to the Lonely Hearts Club, they sent it back saying the weren't that lonely.


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## Blind Dog (19/1/16)

malt & barley blues said:


> My wife sent her my picture to the Lonely Hearts Club, they sent it back saying the weren't that lonely.


FTFY


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## technobabble66 (20/1/16)

Blind Dog said:


> FTFY


Not really :lol:


----------



## wide eyed and legless (22/1/16)

Started learning the Hokey Pokey today, don't want to learn all of it, just the 'ins and outs'


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## wide eyed and legless (2/2/16)

I've been diagnosed with kleptomania if it gets to bad I take something for it.


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## Mardoo (2/2/16)

Wait, is that a TPP joke tying this thread to the Toohey's syrup thread? :huh:


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## DU99 (3/2/16)

An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full grown emu.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, A hamburger, chips and a beer please, and turns to his pal. Ill have the same, says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. Thatll be $9.40 please. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day they return and the truckie orders a hamburger, chips and a beer, and the emu says, Ill have the same. Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. The usual? asks the waitress. No, its Friday night, so Ill have a steak, baked potato, salad and a martini, says the man. Same, says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, That will be $32.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.

Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

Well love, a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed when I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.

Thats brilliant! says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there.

The waitress asks him, So whats with the bloody emu?

The truckie sighs, pauses and answers, My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.


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## wynnum1 (5/2/16)

Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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## Dave70 (16/2/16)

The joke that keeps on giving.

http://www.wisdomofchopra.com/


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## wynnum1 (17/2/16)




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## Mardoo (17/2/16)

That was actually a sculpture installed on the street in a city I can't remember. Totally effed up many morning commutes. Except those so inclined, of course.


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## Ducatiboy stu (17/2/16)

Dave70 said:


> The joke that keeps on giving.
> 
> http://www.wisdomofchopra.com/


I am so much wiser now


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## DU99 (20/2/16)

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old c*nt?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation


----------



## DU99 (20/2/16)

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia". Horrified the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!" The Chief shrugs and replies "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."


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## wide eyed and legless (1/3/16)

When I first met my wife I knew she was a keeper, could have been something to do with the big gloves she was wearing at the time.


----------



## Camo6 (1/3/16)

wide eyed and legless said:


> When I first met my wife I knew she was a keeper, could have been something to do with the big gloves she was wearing at the time.


Good thing you didn't know she was a proctologist.


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## Ducatiboy stu (1/3/16)

Old mate went into the Doctor for a checkup one day only to find that his normal doctor was on holidays
The receptionist told him that there was a female doctor covering for him whilst he was away
He decided that he would let the female doctor see him and sat in the waiting room
After about 15min this gorgeous hot blonde doctor comes out and calls his name
He followed her into the doctors room and took a seat
She then Asked " So what can I help you with "
To which he replied " Well, my wife reckons my penis tastes funny, so I am after a second opinion "


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## wide eyed and legless (2/3/16)

Camo6 said:


> Good thing you didn't know she was a proctologist.


What I didn't know was she is an expert at Yoga, a lithe and supple double jointed body comes in handy when playing hide the sausage, though I must admit I'm never sure where its been hiding but it always come back.


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## spog (2/3/16)

Pell


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## DU99 (16/3/16)

A six-year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandfather's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "when my mommy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" says her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mommy says that as soon as you croak we're all going to Disney World!"


----------



## RobW (16/3/16)

Available now on iTunes:


----------



## RobW (16/3/16)

*Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.*

*Here are the winners:*


1.*Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2.* Ignoranus*: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3.* Intaxicaton*: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4.* Reintarnation*: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5.* Bozone* (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6.* Foreploy*: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.* Giraffiti*: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8.* Sarchasm*: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9.* Inoculatte*: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10.* Osteopornosis*: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11.* Karmageddon*: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.* Decafalon* (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.* Glibido*: All talk and no action.

14.* Dopeler Effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.* Arachnoleptic Fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.* Beelzebug* (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.* Caterpallor* ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.




*Previously, the Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners were:*

1.* Coffee*, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2.* Flabbergasted*, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.* Abdicate*, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.*esplanade*, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.* Willy-nilly*, adj. Impotent.

6.* Negligent*, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.* Lymph*, v. To walk with a lisp.

8.* Gargoyle*, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9.* Flatulence*, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10.* Balderdash*, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11.* Testicle*, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12.* Rectitude*, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.* Pokemon*, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.* Oyster*, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.* Frisbeetarianism*, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16.* Circumvent*, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (16/3/16)

A group of Irishmen went out on a Mystery Tour, before they started off they decided to have a sweep to see who could guess where they would be going.

The bus driver won.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (16/3/16)

You can never loose a homing pigeon.If your homing pigeon doesn't come back then all you've lost is a pigeon.

Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.


----------



## DU99 (22/4/16)

[SIZE=16pt]Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine,
you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words,
Sister Mary Katherine.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You
may say two words today.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done fudge all but moan since you've been here.'[/SIZE]


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## DU99 (22/4/16)




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## flave_7 (7/5/16)

View attachment 88460


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## Mardoo (7/5/16)

Williamswarn Personal Brewery


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## Ducatiboy stu (7/5/16)

Mardoo said:


> Williamswarn Personal Brewery


Are they mashturbators....


----------



## Bridges (7/5/16)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Are they mashturbators....


May 7th International masturbation day! Celebrate however you want...


----------



## jimmyj (5/6/16)

Breaking news......

Family Court Ruling from Queensland Australia:

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales state of origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


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## MastersBrewery (5/6/16)

Mardoo said:


> Not to mention one to start the lightbulb build thread...


and another to start a 15 page BB thread where again pros and cons are debated resulting in 3 thread cleans by mods 5 posters being awarded warning points and 2 internet troll being banned for life.


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## Ducatiboy stu (5/6/16)

I wasnt part of that...


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## klangers (7/6/16)

Not an original, but I enjoyed nontheless:

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.


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## DU99 (9/6/16)

This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up.

After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it.
He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, beat the sh1t out of him, then threw him back out of the cage.

After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing everything I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me". "Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "Pulling your eyelid down means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man, not quite satisfied.

He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!"

At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.


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## DU99 (9/6/16)

*[SIZE=18pt]BIOLOGY EXAM:[/SIZE]*
[SIZE=18pt]This is straight from Ireland.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Students in an advanced Biology class[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]advantages of Mother's Milk.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]wrote:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]He got an A.[/SIZE]


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## DU99 (30/6/16)

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after its been eaten................it's called wedding cake!


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## Lethaldog (30/6/16)

Tasmanian guy takes his daughter to the doctors to have her put on the pill..

Doctor: is she sexually active 

Father: nah she just Fucken lies there like her mother!
[emoji2][emoji2]


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## DU99 (14/7/16)

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"


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## wide eyed and legless (18/7/16)

Two circus performers (man and wife) wanted to adopt a child after much correspondence they finally were called in for an interview, the interviewer looked over the file and asked the couple about accommodation. That's no problem, answered the husband, we have a $380,000 State of the Art motor home. The interviewer then asked about education. The wife answered we had thought about that and are willing to pay for a private tutor. And what sex of the child would you like, asked the interviewer. That makes absolutely no difference to us answered the wife. So said the interviewer what sort of age of the child you would like to adopt.The husband replied the age doesn't matter, as long as it can fit into the cannon.


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## DU99 (24/7/16)

An Arkansas Farmer got in his pick-up and drove to a neighbouring farm
and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened thedoor.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here, neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'd have to talk to Pa
about that. If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the
bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for
Howard."


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## DU99 (30/7/16)

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If your are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If your are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."


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## Weizguy (9/9/16)

I got a sweater for Father's Day.
A bit disappointed.
Would have preferred a screamer or a moaner. Even a grunter would be OK.


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## wide eyed and legless (10/9/16)

Cracking joke Les, got some mileage out of it yesterday, can't wait to get among the nurses with that one.

Winning one liner from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

My father encouraged me to become an organ donor, he's a man after my own heart.


----------



## wynnum1 (10/9/16)

Got any bread?

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?


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## Weizguy (11/9/16)

Wynnum, I love that old classic.
Are you Shane Bourne?


----------



## DU99 (12/9/16)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? '

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.'

'Onions'?

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration only.'


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## wide eyed and legless (16/9/16)

My first realisation I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga Party dressed as a goat, that was after I had joined a Satanic group where I thought they were worshiping Santa.


----------



## sp0rk (16/9/16)

I lost my watch at a party the other night, I found it about ten minutes later, but some guy was standing on it.
As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a poor young woman.
So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face, knocking him to the floor.
Nobody does that to a woman. Not on MY watch.


----------



## DU99 (22/10/16)




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## DU99 (22/10/16)

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford
Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a
large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the
shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry,
but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to
the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would
startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's
entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving
a hearse for 25 years."


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## DU99 (22/10/16)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: €5.00
+Broiled Missionary: €10.00
+Fried Explorer: €15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: €100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh***t, it takes all morning."


----------



## WarmerBeer (22/10/16)

What's loud & sounds like apples? 








APPLES!


----------



## spog (2/11/16)

Two dyslexic balaclava clad robbers run into a bank and shout,
Air in the hands mother stickers this is a **** up !


----------



## Stouter (3/11/16)

I've already posted this on the Coopers Forum, but here it is again -
I was watching a documentary yesterday, ‘The Irish Pub’. Well worth the watch for the history. Here's my favourite story told deadpan by one barman as if it happen yesterday.

An American tourist came in and she says, “Sir I'd like to make a complaint. There is no lock on your toilet door.”
“Well ma'am, I says. My grandfather opened this pub in 1910, and ran it for almost 40 years. My father took over and he ran it for another 4 decades. Now ma'am, I've been running this place for 25 years myself. And you know what missus, in all that time nobody has stolen a sh#t yet”.


----------



## DU99 (11/11/16)

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. 
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 
7. A dog's parents never visit. 
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk or e-mail. 
11. Dogs seldom outlive you. 
12. Dogs can't talk. 
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public. 
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day. 
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 
16. Dogs like to go hunting. 
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you. 
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?" 
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free. 
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting. 
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or stereo. 
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. 
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus. 
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.


----------



## spog (11/11/16)

Doris is 95 years old ,her husband of 70 years Derek dies, heart broken Doris decides she can't live without Derek and decides to end her life.
Doris rings the local medical centre and asks the nurse as to exactly where is the heart located, the nurse replies " just under the left breast" .
Doris hangs up the phone goes into Derek's study ,takes out his old service revolver places the barrel where the nurse said,pulls the trigger and promptly blows her left knee cap off.


----------



## Mardoo (11/11/16)

Actually I saw a stripper at a bucks, about 80 years old. She took off her top. No tits. She dropped her pants. Whaddaya know! Hip ticklers!


----------



## DU99 (24/11/16)

*Guts vs Balls*
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls to do something. There is a big difference between one the having guts or the balls to do something. Here are examples showing the distinction between the two concepts.

GUTS – Arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bottom, and having the balls to say: “You’re next, chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the use of the two words. Generally speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both will result in sure death


----------



## wide eyed and legless (28/11/16)

A wife says to her husband, 'You only want sex when your drunk. Husband says, 'Thats not true, sometimes I want a kebab'


----------



## DU99 (1/12/16)

“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”


----------



## wide eyed and legless (4/12/16)

Robbie Williams, Elton John and Kylie Minogue went out on the town, returning to their hotel Kylie stumbles and gets her head caught in some railings, quick as a flash Robbie ups her skirt and downs her knickers, gives her a good rogering and turns to Elton John and asks if he would like a turn, Elton says, 'I would, but I don't think my head would fit through the railings'


----------



## aamcle (7/12/16)

How to bath a cat!

You will require 1 assistant, 1 standard British lavatory with seat and lid combo, 1 cup of pet shampoo, 1 first aid kit and 1 cat (soiled unless simply testing, in which case the shampoo may be omitted)

1. Thoroughly dry the toilet pan removing any residual water using a sponge or cloth so that the pan is completely devoid of dampness (optional but safer).

2. Ensure both toilet lids are lifted and that they close quickly without sticking. Test lid to ensure it will bear your weight and that the surface is non-slip. Tie a 4 foot piece of strong twine to the front of the toilet seat using a reef knot and coil neatly on top of the cistern.

3. Obtain the cat and feed him while soothing him gently. Once he has finished eating, lift and carry him gently towards the bathroom making happy noises to allay suspicion.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat headfirst into the toilet pan. This manoeuvre ensures a delay of about .00064 of a nanosecond while the cat attempts to engage reverse. During this delay you should swiftly withdraw your hands and close both lids. Quickly mount the toilet seat, standing on the lid and grasp the twine you previously attached. The cat will now be unable to escape but may attempt to tunnel through the pan. This is normal - ignore.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will, by now, be reaching out for anything they can find to slash. Being within range at this point will be tantamount to changing a bandsaw blade whilst it is running and is not recommended. The proceedings will be accompanied by fiendish noises and flecks of foam. This is normal - ignore all.

5. Ensuring the toilet lids are FIRMLY and irrevocably shut, add 1 cupful of shampoo to the cistern and replace the lid. Checking your balance on the toilet lid(s) quickly flush the toilet. If you have correctly carried out the procedures so far you will notice 2 things. (1) Bubbles will have started to appear around the edge of the toilet rim and (2) Somebody has started the engine of an Kawasaki Z750 inside the toilet pan. This is normal – ignore. (You may also notice an increase in volume from the cat - also ignore).

6. Wait for approximately 15 seconds or until the cistern has refilled and then flush the toilet once more. Repeat three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" ably assisted by the violent circumnavigations of the toilet bowl by the (now) slightly damp cat. This has been demonstrated to be remarkably effective at removing dirt and grime from the pets coat while, coincidentally, leaving the toilet bowl with a mirror-like shine. Ignore the sound effects which will have almost certainly have increased still further; it is quite normal. You may, however, wish to reassure any neighbours that you are not in the process of killing a pig, barbecuing a small child or signalling an imminent bombing raid by the Luftwaffe.

7. Have your assistant open both the toilet door and the door to the outside ensuring that there are no people or breakable objects occupying the shortest trajectory between the toilet pan and the outside and, standing behind the toilet as far as you can, pull quickly on the twine, lifting both lids simultaneously.

8. The now-clean cat will cleverly leave the toilet of his own volition, and go outside where he will dry himself. You may not actually SEE the cat, but he WILL leave the toilet. The passage of the (now clean) cat may be verified by asking the assistant to remain in the hallway prior to the egress phase of the operation, when evidence of blood and torn tissue will bear witness to the cat's passing.

NOTE: It is recommended that you do not repeat this procedure more than once a year as, should the cat realise what is about to happen before you manage to incarcerate him inside the toilet, you may suffer severe lacerations and plumbing damage.

Yours Sincerely,
Fido


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## DU99 (15/12/16)

*Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping*
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.


After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.


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## mofox1 (15/12/16)

Had Indian for lunch today today. Asked for bread, but they had naan left.


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## SBOB (15/12/16)

Yesterday I went to Coles to buy cabbage, but there's a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well..
.
.
.
It's called Coles Law.


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## Lethaldog (15/12/16)

SBOB said:


> Yesterday I went to Coles to buy cabbage, but there's a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well..
> .
> .
> .
> It's called Coles Law.


**** me I just choked on that one[emoji23][emoji23]


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## good4whatAlesU (23/12/16)

How did Darth Vader know what Luke bought him for Christmas?

... He felt his presents.


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## wide eyed and legless (20/1/17)

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy I hear you say.


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## wynnum1 (21/1/17)

_One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.”_
_The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door._
_Then a politician came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, .”_“I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The P_olitician_ was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen P_oliticians _ lined up waiting for a free haircut.


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## DU99 (24/1/17)

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie. Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching Kung Fu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom


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## DU99 (25/1/17)

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a *small two-seater Cessna *plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


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## Droopy Brew (27/1/17)

[SIZE=11pt]My wife asked me if I’ve ever pissed in the shower.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]I said “Yes, but accidentally”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]She asked “What do you mean accidentally?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]I said “Well these things happen when you’re having a shit!” [/SIZE]


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## good4whatAlesU (28/1/17)

.


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## Camo6 (28/1/17)

Droopy Brew said:


> My wife asked me if I’ve ever pissed in the shower.
> I said “Yes, but accidentally”
> She asked “What do you mean accidentally?”
> I said “Well these things happen when you’re having a shit!”


Haha! The old waffle stomp.


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## peteru (8/2/17)

John Cleese: Letter to the United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

_Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Sir Lancelot of Camelot,Torquay, Devon, England_


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## daveHQ (10/2/17)




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## DU99 (22/2/17)

[SIZE=12pt]A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]"Why all the attention?" the friend asked "You look fine to me".[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".[/SIZE]


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## DU99 (26/2/17)

The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville unhappy with his answer to one of the questions.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants,​1.1 million crackheads, ​4.4 million unemployable scroungers, ​80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons ​plus 450 idiots in Parliament, ​thousands of 'retired politicians' ​and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'

The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".

The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"​


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## DU99 (27/2/17)

*Prostate check-up...*

*An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, **'99'.*

*The old guy obeys and says,"99".*​​*The doctor says, "Great".* *Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".*​​*Again, the old guy says, '99'."*

*The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, **'99'.*
* 
The old guy begins, "One ..... Two .... Three" ...*​


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## DU99 (27/2/17)

During the medical examination of a female patient,​the British doctor says,​​"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.​Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."​​The lady starts taking off her undies,​but is interrupted by the doctor.​​​" No! No! ... Just stick out your tongue !"​


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## BradG (27/2/17)

DU99 said:


> *Prostate check-up...*
> 
> 
> *An old guy goes to his doctor ......**'99'.*
> ...


Sorry, hate to ask but is it finished? I didn't understand.[emoji45][emoji17].


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## DU99 (2/3/17)

On the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, a wife found the negligee she'd worn on her wedding night & put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired digger, & asked; " Honey, do you remember this? "
He looked up from his newspaper & said; " Yes dear, you wore that same negligee the night we were married. "
She then said; " Yes that's right, do you remember what you said to me that night? ".
He nodded & said yes dear, I said; ' Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those breasts & screw your brains out. "
She giggled & said; " That's exactly what you said, so now it's 50 years later & I'm wearing the same negligee, what do you have to say tonight? "
He looked here up & down & said;
" Mission Accomplished. "


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## DU99 (5/3/17)

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing. He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman. "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar" the clerk replied. Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced "SECRET SERVICE!!!"


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## DU99 (7/3/17)

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to Pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I Pee like a Horse and at 8 a.m. I Crap like a Cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."


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## DU99 (12/3/17)

*Howard entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." *

*The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"*


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## wide eyed and legless (18/3/17)

And here is a photo of me with REM, that's me in the corner.


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## Mardoo (18/3/17)

Wait, YOU had religion at one point?!?


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## wide eyed and legless (19/3/17)

Oh no I've said too much.


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## SBOB (19/3/17)

wide eyed and legless said:


> Oh no I've said too much.


true, but you did set it up..


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## DU99 (26/3/17)

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."

A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie
bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

Ya see......all in the wording !


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## wynnum1 (26/3/17)

DU99 said:


> In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
> 
> A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie
> bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
> ...


"Oh I wheelie bin in jail,


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## DU99 (15/5/17)

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."


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## GregMeady (29/5/17)

Confused


I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service' 

Postal 'Service' 

Telephone 'Service' 

Cable / TV 'Service' 

Civil 'Service' 

City, County & State Public 'Service' 

Customer 'Service' 

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. 

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. 

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing. 

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.


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## GregMeady (31/5/17)

*Best Salesman in the World*

A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day."

"That will have to change and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"


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## GregMeady (8/6/17)

*An olde tale*
*
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.*

*But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.*

*No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched would melt.*

*Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.*

*The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?*

*He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,*

*'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'*

*The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.*

*THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.*

*The first brought a sword of the finest steel. 
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly*

*The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.*

*The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! *

*The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.*

*And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.*

*Question: What was in the Prince's pants?*

*Scroll Down…*








*M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking?*


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## Woong (11/6/17)

Having a beer last night. The barman calls out "does anyone know cpr". I said "I know the whole fuken alphabet". We laughed and laughed and laughed. Well, all except one bloke.


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## GregMeady (21/6/17)

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.


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## DU99 (21/6/17)

ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 50yr old. Then I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle and then she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's Double?" "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said. "Oh, well I haven't had that pleasure... yet" I said as my mind quickly embraced the idea. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink "Tonight is your lucky night". I went back to her place. We walked in. She switched on the hall light and shouted upstairs" WE GOT ONE, MUM! YOU STILL AWAKE!?"


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## GregMeady (23/6/17)

*"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.*

*"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.*

*"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?"*

*"He saws people in half."*

*"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"*

*"One half brother and two half sisters."*


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## GregMeady (25/6/17)

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? 
Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!


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## wynnum1 (25/6/17)

Coach Michael Cheika still believes _Australia can_ end their 14-year _Bledisloe Cup drought . _


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## GregMeady (26/6/17)

A nun is having a shower when she hears the door bell ring.

Rushing to the door she realises that she has forgotten the towel and water is dripping everywhere. Not wanting to hold the person up she shouts "who is it."

The reply is "it's the blind man from the village."

The nun quickly opens the door and lets him in.


He responds "nice tits, where do you want the blinds."


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## Woong (30/6/17)

I'll never forget my grandfathers last words. 
"Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard!".


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## GregMeady (30/6/17)

^^^
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep.

Wish I could say the same about the passengers in the car he was driving.


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## ein stein (30/6/17)

How much beer can Stuart Diver drink?


Just under a slab.

(19 years and 11 months since the thredbo landslide today)


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## GregMeady (30/6/17)

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician..

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes. "


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## DU99 (1/7/17)

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please". the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down those stairs.

After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily. "No" croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch!"


----------



## DU99 (1/7/17)

Four friends meet 30 years after school.

One goes to the toilet while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons have become.

The first guy says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Second guy says his son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

Third guy says his son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich he built his best friend a castle.

The fourth guy came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons had become and ask him about his own son.

He said his son was transsexual and a stripper at a gay bar.

The other three men said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no!" said the man "he is doing great! Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends!"


----------



## wynnum1 (1/7/17)

_I'll never forget_ the _terrifying moment_ I _saw my first grey pubic hair_ ... It was on a _kebab_


----------



## Woong (2/7/17)

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she

just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million

to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

The art collector replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.

Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."


----------



## ein stein (2/7/17)

This isn't a beer gut - it's a solar panel for a sex machine.


----------



## ein stein (2/7/17)

A kiwi farmer counting his sheep: "202, 203, 204, hey babe, 206, 207.."


----------



## ein stein (2/7/17)

What sort of animal has a c**t half way up its back?


A police horse.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (2/7/17)

Are you opening Christmas Crackers ein stein?


----------



## ein stein (2/7/17)

dusted off an old aussie jokes book. what sort of debauched bon-bons are you buying?


----------



## GregMeady (3/7/17)

*"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.*

*In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." 

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, ...At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."*

*"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, *

*the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, *

*all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, *

*they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" *

*The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" *

*"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."*


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## Batz (3/7/17)

Could be my problem.


----------



## GregMeady (5/7/17)

*Irish Fire Insurance*


*A man and his wife moved back home to Dublin, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Dublin, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says…

"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00."*


----------



## Woong (14/7/17)

Irony : Getting pregnant on a pull-out bed.


----------



## GregMeady (18/7/17)

*Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. 

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, 

wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. 

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. 

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. 

She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1*


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## DU99 (24/7/17)

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. 

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes" St. Peter replies "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band it really breaks the tranquillity, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy".

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen! St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

The woman responds "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck"


----------



## Mardoo (24/7/17)

i might be able to live with that...


----------



## Woong (25/7/17)

Went to the doctor the other week. Bastard gave me 2 weeks to live. So I shot him. 
Judge gave me 30 years.


----------



## technobabble66 (30/7/17)

Have you heard about an evil group of men that control the world's cheese industry?

...





The Hallouminati.


----------



## ein stein (5/8/17)

why is drinking carlton like screwing in a boat?




they're both f**king close to water!


----------



## Camo6 (5/8/17)

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.

"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.

"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.

BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!

"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Christ's sake David!! You've shit the bed again!!!"


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## Mardoo (5/8/17)

Clearly you need to get down to the Foragers Drop for a drink.


----------



## Woong (9/8/17)

The wife asked me to toast some bread.
I raised my glass and said "Here's to bread"!


----------



## GregMeady (9/8/17)

A penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. 
Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. 
Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. 
Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."


----------



## GregMeady (9/8/17)

It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. 

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. 

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says. "That's cool." 

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. 

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie. 

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" 

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw; 

why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" 

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt

with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. 

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 

"Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house,

slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 

"Dammit, Daddy! The Twist!!! It's called The Twist!"


----------



## DU99 (13/8/17)

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by".

"No" he said "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar" she responded.

"I mean" he continued "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents".

He said "Do you have a real grudge?" "No" she replied "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one".

"Please" he tried again "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes" she responded "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do".

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce" she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


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## GregMeady (4/9/17)

A woman gets pulled over for speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your driver’s license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: Can’t do that either.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars roar up to the site. A senior officer slowly steps out of his car and approaches the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.

Woman: Kidnapped the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license. The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a license and hands it to the officer, who examines it. He looks puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
Woman: I bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too


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## Danscraftbeer (13/9/17)

Why won't Heterosexuals vote?
Because they couldn't be buggered.


edit: apostrophe


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## DU99 (15/9/17)

I've never really taken notice, on how much alike some Aussies and the 'Southern 'good old boys' are. Husband and wife...brother and sister ?

Judge for yourself.







*You Might Be A Aussie Redneck, If: *



. . . you've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature....and found out it was you.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid, the dog, the wife...or the body in the casket.

. . . your mama saves aluminum foil......for hats.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed, but your pet spider survives, and you're still happy.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, Say No To Crack, reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you've got more than one other brother named 'Darryl'.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch, and around the wheels.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the 'Barbie'.

. . . your child's first words were, 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Liberals, except little Mary. She got to readin'.

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.

. . . you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. (ask graywun)

. . . you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company

.. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

. . . you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

. . . you've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

. . . you've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

. . . your kids favorite bedtime story is 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.'

. . . you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.

. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. Easier to remember that way.

. . . you think Paprika is a Third World country, but you can't figure out how they got them all on that one shelf at the dollar store.


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## manticle (15/9/17)

I think American redneck as opposed to Aussie might be more appropriate, considering references to jell-o, thanksgiving, baseball, bud light, etc


----------



## Danscraftbeer (15/9/17)

I dont even understand why redneck can be a term given to any Australian. Its an American term.
Its offensive. I'm offended! that the term be given to any Australian.


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## GregMeady (23/9/17)

A little boy was attending his first wedding in church. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 

"Sixteen," the boy responded. 

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up; like the bishop said...
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


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## ein stein (23/9/17)

.. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.(89 ford laser)

. . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.(5c and 10c)


i did all these when I was a uni student.. I dont think I am a redneck though.


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## wynnum1 (24/9/17)

You take your aluminum beer cans to the scrap metal dealer to buy another carton of beer.


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## DU99 (1/10/17)

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate."
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."


----------



## DU99 (1/10/17)

Was recently holidaying in Thailand when 2 girls approached me and asked if I wanted to sleep with them, they said it'd be like winning the lottery..

.

To my horror they were right, we had 6 matching balls..


----------



## GregMeady (2/10/17)

Adultery: We have fallen


There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, 'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!'

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, 'I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.'

Amen!


----------



## wereprawn (2/10/17)

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Get an an alter boy to shit in her vagina.


----------



## Gregos (2/10/17)

What's Black & Tan and looks good on a burgler?...............My German Shepard


----------



## DU99 (7/10/17)

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. When he finished, he headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"


----------



## DU99 (7/10/17)

angel and a friend went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, angel, in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the fellow in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

angel, in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."


----------



## Bridges (9/10/17)

DU99 said:


> A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
> "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
> The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
> The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
> ...



Reminds me of this, from the funniest movie of all time.


----------



## GregMeady (17/10/17)

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. 

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"

where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. 

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. 

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."


----------



## wide eyed and legless (18/10/17)

Some great one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
https://inews.co.uk/essentials/50-best-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2017/


----------



## justatad (18/10/17)

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been
riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the
courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I
cannot
live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse.
The temptation was just too great.

I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my
sincerest apologies, and forgive me.

It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.


NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed. grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor
dead.

He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Fred then took out his phone where he saw a second message from his
neighbor, Alan:

SECOND MESSAGE

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned
Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife."

That's today's technology for you, hey!

Regards, Alan


----------



## GregMeady (24/10/17)

*Wife:* I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

*Husband:* Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

*Wife:* But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

*Husband:* Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

Husband is recovering from a head injury now


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## GregMeady (24/10/17)

*A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful *
*much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. *

*The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, *
*“No, I'd like to see something more special." *

*At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. *

*"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. *

*The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. *

*The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." *

*The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, *
*"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, *
*so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." *

*On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir...There's no money in that account." *

*"I know,’” said the old man…"But let me tell you about my weekend." *

*Not All Seniors Are Senile...*


----------



## Woong (2/11/17)

My Grandad was a terrible gambler. In fact his last words to Grandma were "I bet that thing's not even loaded".


----------



## Garfield (2/11/17)

A young white missionary spends his days teaching the way of the Lord to an African tribe. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....

"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"

"Mmm yes".

"See they are all white, but that one black one?"

"Mmm yes".

"Does that help you to understand?"

"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."


----------



## DU99 (6/11/17)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,
upon returning to her car, found four males
in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded
to load her shopping bags into the back of the
car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered
why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her own car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake.

The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,
and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...
make it memorable!


----------



## DU99 (6/11/17)

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub.

As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered

what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair,

and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two lasses walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself.

He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I dinna know where y'been laddie...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"


----------



## GregMeady (17/11/17)

A rabbi, a swami, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The swami said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the swami standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."

The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.

The swami and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."

The politician said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the swami were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.


----------



## GregMeady (26/11/17)

*Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.*


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'


----------



## Mardoo (26/11/17)

GregMeady said:


> A rabbi, a swami, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
> 
> They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
> 
> ...


Brilliant!


----------



## DU99 (29/11/17)




----------



## DU99 (30/11/17)

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. ”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good? “, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ”

.

.

.

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ”


----------



## GregMeady (2/12/17)

*IRISH TALKING CLOCK 

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


”What's that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock.” the drunk replied. 

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“YUP, it is” replied the drunk.

“How's it work?” the friend asked; squinting at it.

“Watch” the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: 

“You ASSHOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!”*


----------



## karrathabrewer (10/12/17)

Adamt said:


> Name this comic.
> 
> 
> Three blokes walk into a pub. Well, I say three... could be four or five. Or ten, doesn't matter. Fifteen? Twenty? Fifty... let's round it up to a hundred. What about two-fifty? Double or nothing... five hundred. A thousand... madness! Five thousand... A small town in Hertfordshire walks into a pub! Fifteen thousand! Alright... the population of Rotterdam. The Hague. The whole of Northern Holland. No, mainland UK. Let's go all the way; Europe, alright? The whole of Europe goes into a pub... I say Europe, could be Eurasia... Alright, continents... North America! Plus South America. Plus Antarctica, but that's just eight blokes in a weather station... not a good example. Alright, let's make it simple. All the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? The first bloke goes up to the bar and says, "I'll get the first round."
> ...


Bill Bailey right?


----------



## Woong (23/12/17)

From a 10 year old kid on the ABC radio kids joke contest :

What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees


----------



## Woong (23/12/17)

Woong said:


> From a 10 year old kid on the ABC radio kids joke contest :
> 
> What kind of bees give milk?
> 
> Boo-bees




And: 

Why was Cinderella no good at soccer? 


Coz her coach was a pumpkin, and she always ran away from the ball.


Haha. Christmas cracker jokes!


----------



## ein stein (23/12/17)

Why is Santa's sack so big?


He only comes once a year...


----------



## DU99 (28/12/17)

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’

.

.


The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.


----------



## DU99 (28/12/17)

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and six children. Five of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the sixth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife" the husband whispers "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father". The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other five".


----------



## DU99 (28/12/17)

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says in a dreamy voice, “but I feel much luckier naked…” and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. “Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!”

The roulette wheel stops on 13. “I won I WON!!!” Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: “Did she bet on 13?”

“I don’t know,” said the other dealer. “I thought you were looking…”


*Conclusions*:
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men – are always MEN!


----------



## Zorco (12/1/18)

I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years.....

I don't have 2020 vision.


----------



## Zorco (12/1/18)

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.

If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.


----------



## Garfield (17/1/18)

Zorco said:


> I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years.....
> 
> I don't have 2020 vision.



Oh Zorco... It's such a shame you'll only be able to tell that joke until the end of next year


----------



## Zorco (17/1/18)

building my flux capacitor in the shed my donky fearing friend.[emoji38]


----------



## DU99 (19/1/18)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?


----------



## DU99 (19/1/18)

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”


----------



## DU99 (19/1/18)

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why do we feel blue? And what colour does a smurf feel when they are down?

What does OK actually mean?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

Why are things typed up but written down?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?


----------



## Feldon (19/1/18)

And why isn't the word phonetic spelled like it sounds?


----------



## Airgead (19/1/18)

Some of those actually have answers! 



DU99 said:


> If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
> 
> If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
> 
> ...



The answers are - 

The future
It depends on your frame of reference
Because books are made up of stack of folded blocks called quires and they always have an even number of pages. They are also all the same size for a particular book. So if your book finishes on an odd page, or doesn't quite fill the last quire you will have blank pages
No


----------



## Garfield (19/1/18)

DU99 said:


> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



A darn good question!


----------



## Snow (23/1/18)

DU99 said:


> What does OK actually mean?



There's a pretty good article on the etymology of OK in Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OK

Cheers - Snow


----------



## wide eyed and legless (23/1/18)

A Colonel has been to a regimental dinner, had to much to eat and drink and on his way back to his quarters he is sick all down the front of his dress uniform. When he gets back to his quarters he is embarrassed and says to the batman, "A drunken squaddie bumped into me and spewed down the front of my uniform, get it cleaned up and remind me in the morning to give him 28 days jankers" 
The next morning the batman is getting the Colonel dressed, he reminds the Colonel of what he said,
"You told me sir to remind you to give the squaddie who spewed down the front of your uniform 28 days jankers, but sir if you don't mind me saying I would be giving him 56 days jankers." The Colonel asks the batman, "Why is that" The batman replied, " Because he went and shit in your pants as well"


----------



## Barry Black (28/1/18)

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side!


----------



## DU99 (30/1/18)

A mathematician is interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a while and replies "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities".

The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks "And what if the building is not on fire?"

After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence "I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"


----------



## DU99 (2/2/18)

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”


----------



## DU99 (25/2/18)

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”


----------



## DU99 (3/3/18)

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.


----------



## awfulknauful (6/3/18)

Why are Kiwi horses so fast, they have seen what happens to the sheep.


----------



## GregMeady (13/3/18)

*Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.*

*The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, 
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.*


----------



## DU99 (23/3/18)

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says

"Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes"

Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"


----------



## DU99 (23/3/18)

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”


----------



## wide eyed and legless (23/3/18)

Went to a gig to see The Pretenders, turned out to be a cover band.


----------



## f00b4r (24/3/18)

Customer: "Have you got that new book about small penises?"
Librarian: "I don't think it's in yet."
Customer: "That's the one!"


----------



## DU99 (22/4/18)

A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question.

One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.

A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.”

In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”

In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”


----------



## DU99 (22/4/18)

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


----------



## Aksarben (23/4/18)

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks "Is this stool taken?"


----------



## Aksarben (23/4/18)

Two radios with broken antenna were married. Their wedding was great, but the reception was lousy.


----------



## Aksarben (23/4/18)

I had a dream last night I was part of my car's muffler system. I woke up totally exhausted.


----------



## Aksarben (23/4/18)

Texan walks into a put in Ireland and shouts" I hear you call yourselves drinkers! I've got $1000 for anyone who can down 20 pints of Guinness back to back!" No one in the bar says anything and one guy gets up and leaves. So the Texan orders up a beer. A short time later the man that left the bar comes back and says "Hey mister, are you still offering the $1000 for the 20 pints of Guinness?" "Sure am" says the Texan "Line him up" and the Irishman downs all 20 pints back to back. The Texan gives hime the $1000 and ask.. " Say, just curious, but a little while ago, after my announcement, you got up and left. Where did you go?" Irishman says, "Oh, I went to the pub across the street just to make sure I could do it."


----------



## Aksarben (23/4/18)

I'm not addicted to brake fluid. I can stop whenever I want.


----------



## Aksarben (23/4/18)

Have you heard of a new band, "The Megabytes"? They're bummed they haven't gotten one Gig yet.


----------



## Drewgong (23/4/18)

A big angry biker standing 6"9 140kg angrily walks into a bar looking for a fight. The biker yells " EVERYONE ONE THIS SIDE OF THE BAR IS A COCKSUCKER AND EVERYONE ON THIS SIDE OF THE BAR IS A MUTHER FUCKER ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? An old man from the right side of the bar gets up and starts walking toward the biker. "YOU GOT A PROBLEM OLD MAN" yelled the biker, no replied the old man "I'm just on the wrong side of the room.


----------



## jackgym (23/4/18)

Paddy and Mick decided to go to London to donate sperm.
The trip was a complete disaster.
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.


----------



## Woong (26/4/18)

Never employ a one armed Butler. 
They can take it, but they can't dish it out!


----------



## DU99 (13/5/18)

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**


----------



## DU99 (13/5/18)

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear.

Other patrons decide to be Good Samaritans and take him home.
They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.
On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times.

Mission accomplished, they prop him against the doorjamb and ring the doorbell.
Here's your husband! they exclaim proudly.
*Where's his wheelchair?* asks the puzzled wife.


----------



## Chods1 (14/5/18)

AngelTearsOnMyTongue said:


> Whats Black and White and eats like a horse.....................
> 
> 
> V
> ...


A Ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of rum. The barman says sorry we don't serve Spirits here!


----------



## Grmblz (14/5/18)

A good oldie!





A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man. 
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'






The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.


----------



## DU99 (1/7/18)

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you". The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die". The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"


----------



## Chods1 (1/7/18)

What deep things retired men think. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.


----------



## Chods1 (1/7/18)

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. 

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”


----------



## Chods1 (1/7/18)

A woman goes to the Doctor in
Glasgow, worried about her husband’s
temper and threatening manner. The
Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor
Cameron, I dinnae know what to do.
Every time ma auld man comes home
drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well.... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." 
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was a brilliant! Evrae time ma auld man came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an'
swished, and he didnae touch me even
once! Tell me Doc....wha's the secret?
How's the water do that?" The Doctor
says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big
secret. The water does nothin’… it's
keeping your mouth shut that does the
trick...."


----------



## Quokka42 (1/7/18)

buttersd70 said:


> no, you're both wrong......
> 
> A baby seal walked into a bar, and asked for a Canadian Club on the rocks......


The Canadian Club is one of the oldest brothels in Melbourne...


----------



## Ronwales (2/7/18)

Heard this one at wrk the other day hope you enjoy as much as i did lol!

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?"

I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE."

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH."


----------



## DU99 (10/7/18)

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."


----------



## Tricky Dicky (11/7/18)

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? 







Wi jammin.


----------



## Tricky Dicky (11/7/18)

A guy goes to the pet shop to buy 10 Bees which he takes home in a jar. 
When he gets home he counts the bees and realises he has 11 not 10 bees. So he rings the guy at the pet shop and says "You've given me 11 bees and I only paid for 10?" The pet shop guy replies "That's OK sir that's your freebee"


----------



## Tricky Dicky (11/7/18)

Well you guys should know that with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the life and death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part, for his family, was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


----------



## Ronwales (21/7/18)

What did sushi roll (a) say to sushi roll (b)?
"Wasabi"


----------



## Ronwales (21/7/18)

Did u here about the cross eyed teacher? 
She couldn't control her pupils....


----------



## jackgym (22/7/18)

I bumped into my ex wife earlier, and she said, “I haven’t seen you for years, how are you?” I said, “Not bad. I’ve got a lovely flat…” She interrupted, “A ******* flat? I have a three bedroom house with a garden and a garage. You’re still a loser”. I said, “Like I was saying”, I smiled, “I’ve got a lovely, flat stomached, sexy blonde who shared my Lotto winnings with me to go home to, so I haven’t got time to catch up with you, you fat bitch.”


----------



## Tricky Dicky (22/7/18)

I used to be heavily addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey but after some prolonged therapy I've managed to turn myself around and that's what it's all about.


----------



## Ronwales (22/7/18)

Tricky Dicky said:


> I used to be heavily addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey but after some prolonged therapy I've managed to turn myself around and that's what it's all about.


Went to the perth zoo the other day and too my surprise there was not a animal insight!
Just one dog, that's it....
It was a shih-tzu!


----------



## justatad (22/7/18)

*Possums Theory in Church.....*


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (24/7/18)

Tricky Dicky said:


> I used to be heavily addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey but after some prolonged therapy I've managed to turn myself around and that's what it's all about.





Ronwales said:


> Went to the perth zoo the other day and too my surprise there was not a animal insight!
> Just one dog, that's it....
> It was a shih-tzu!





Ronwales said:


> Did u here about the cross eyed teacher?
> She couldn't control her pupils....





Ronwales said:


> What did sushi roll (a) say to sushi roll (b)?
> "Wasabi"





Tricky Dicky said:


> How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
> Wi jammin.



I can see a lot of crackers have been opened for Christmas in July.


----------



## Grmblz (25/7/18)

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A ****," Paddy replies.
*
*

A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." 

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. 

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."


----------



## Woong (2/8/18)

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.


----------



## DU99 (25/8/18)

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap.'


----------



## wide eyed and legless (25/8/18)

I saw that coming.


----------



## DU99 (27/8/18)

A crusty old biker from out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie"


----------



## Ronwales (27/8/18)

Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are in the toilet using the same urinal, Bill turns to Tiger and says "Hey tiger how in the hell do you get your penis so swollen , that things huge!" Tiger responds "will every night before I make love I take of my pants and I hit my penis on the bed post 5 times as hard as possible!" Bill says "wow Tiger I'm going to have to try that". That night he goes home to Hilary, removes his trousers and smashes his penis against the bed post 5 times boom,boom,boom,boom and boom!
Hilary rolls over and says "Tiger is that you?"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (27/8/18)

A sailor on watch during a particular stormy evening, noticed the captain come out of his cabin and start having a chunder over the port side, the captains night shirt blew up in the breeze and the watchman couldn't contain himself after being at sea for three months. He dashed across the deck and entered the captain, saying, "Sorry sir, it must have been the roll of the ship" to which the captain replied, "******* hell, I thought it was a roll of lino"


----------



## david196520 (27/9/18)

Joke:
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Hahahahahahaha


----------



## jackgym (28/9/18)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year old next 
door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. 
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? 
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ 
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error? 
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’ 
Jaden said. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’ 
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T


----------



## Peterbrew (28/9/18)

My dog used to chase everyone on bikes. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.


----------



## Tony Spalding (28/9/18)

Two blondes walked into the bar. You'd think the second one would notice.


----------



## Chods1 (29/9/18)

Tony Spalding said:


> Two blondes walked into the bar. You'd think the second one would notice.


I don't get it!


----------



## philrob (29/9/18)

Chods1 said:


> I don't get it!



I'm guessing you're a blond yourself.


----------



## Chods1 (29/9/18)

No. 


philrob said:


> I'm guessing you're a blond yourself.


No. Grey: used to be mousy.


----------



## DU99 (7/10/18)

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
.
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
.
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play
.
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!


----------



## Danscraftbeer (7/10/18)

You gotta be farkin kidding me!
There has to be better than saved Christmas cracker jokes. 
Do you guys actually save Christmas Cracker jokes? 
That is a funny joke in itself. 
but kinda sad and depressing too.


----------



## Frothy Boi (11/10/18)

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car


----------



## Redreuben (24/10/18)

"Nurse, Nurse ! " the patient cried, " I've got a problem with my penis" The nurse came over with a cynical look on her face and said "well you'd better show it to me then"

So the guy drops his pyjamas to reveal a penis the size of a AAA battery, the nurse just cracks up laughing but quickly regains her composure and says " I'm sorry that was very unprofessional of me, what seems to be the problem sir ?"
"It's swollen"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (12/11/18)

Wilbur and Zeke go hunting the Shiras Moose in the Rocky mountains, they hire a plane and land close to the hunting site. Zeke instructs the pilot to be back to pick them up in 3 days, the pilot returns 3 days later and Wilbur and Zeke are waiting with a kill of 4 moose. The pilot says there is no way he can load 4 moose onto the plane as he was worried about the weight, Zeke says the pilot we had last year loaded the 4 moose on the plane without any argument. The pilot relents against his better judgement and they load the plane with the 4 moose, one hour into the flight the plane crash lands, Zeke asks Wilbur where he thinks they are to which Wilbur replies, 'Goddammit, we're at about the same place we crashed last year'


----------



## Woong (6/12/18)

Q: How do you milk sheep? 

A: Launch a new I phone and charge $1300 for it


----------



## wide eyed and legless (10/12/18)

A young guy gets sentenced to prison for 6 months, as he is being taken away he is dreading the thought of what could happen to him. He is shown to his cell which he is sharing with a huge guy. He is lying on the bottom bunk with the blanket pulled up below his chin, when a pair of well muscled legs swing over from the top bunk. A deep voice says, "Right new starter, do you want to be Mummy, or do you want to be Daddy" The young guy says a silent prayer for the reprieve, he says, "I'll be Daddy"
The deep voice says, "Great, climb up here and suck Mummy's cock"


----------



## DU99 (12/12/18)

Fahrenheit was born on this day in 1686. He was an annoying man.
It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that
he discovered the rectal thermometer.


----------



## DU99 (12/12/18)

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again!


The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The bishop was buried the next day.


----------



## DU99 (12/12/18)

A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!

No questions asked! *DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!" *


The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.


A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.


The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your *BADGE!!*"


----------



## Bushbear (15/12/18)

For those who believe in horoscopes this is serious!

During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor,

"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke 

in your arse."


----------



## justatad (24/12/18)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......


----------



## DU99 (24/12/18)

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft.

The lawyer tells the crusty old judge "Your Honour, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem". "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex". "Cybersex?" says the judge "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM". "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes, your Honour, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related? Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling" comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days".

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is". "That's the one with the silicone boobs and real hair" replies the judge.


----------



## DU99 (24/12/18)

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink..?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink..!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina..?"

The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (24/12/18)

The worlds first tongue twister champion has recently been arrested, it appears he could be facing a really tough sentence.

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia with telepathy, I hear you ask.

A cowboy walks into a saloon, he demands to know who painted his horse green. A larger meaner looking cowboy said, 'I painted your horse green' The first cowboy said, 'Well can I borrow your paintbrush, you missed a bit behind the ears'.


----------



## Woong (25/12/18)

Waitress approaches a table and says to the man, "are you ready to order sir? ".
"Well my wife's just gone to the toilet actually" he replies. 
"Oh that's ok. Do you know what she's having?" she asks. 
"Well" said the man, "she's been gone 10 minute's so my guess is a crap! "


----------



## Chods1 (25/12/18)

DU99 said:


> A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
> 
> She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
> 
> ...


HAHAHAHA. Love it


----------



## DU99 (8/1/19)

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says "GOOD... get your own damn blanket!!!


----------



## DU99 (8/1/19)

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".


----------



## Woong (1/2/19)




----------



## awfulknauful (1/2/19)

A guy walks into a bar with a six shooter, brandishing it above his head he asks, Who in here has been sleeping with my wife. A voice from the back says, Have you got enough ammo?


----------



## Woong (17/2/19)

A chicken walks into a bar. 
Barman says "sorry, we don't serve your kind in here. But the bar across the road does".


----------



## wide eyed and legless (17/2/19)

Woong said:


> A chicken walks into a bar.
> Barman says "sorry, we don't serve your kind in here. But the bar across the road does".


So, now we know.

I was watching the London Marathon, I saw one guy dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought now this could be interesting.


----------



## DU99 (18/2/19)

A man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

"What colour?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".

'Expensive, but okay' he thought.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No" he said "nothing like that". "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles". He thought long and hard and then looked up and said "Eggs, fried, on a plate”


----------



## DU99 (18/2/19)

A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here". The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest" replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here!!"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (18/2/19)

My wife told me sex is better while on holiday. I hate it when she sends me postcards like that.


----------



## Chods1 (19/2/19)

DU99 said:


> A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
> 
> "Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.
> 
> ...


HAHA


----------



## razz (19/2/19)

wide eyed and legless said:


> My wife told me sex is better while on holiday. I hate it when she sends me postcards like that.



That reminds me of.
“How do you piss the wife off during sex?”
“Ring her up!”


----------



## wide eyed and legless (19/2/19)

razz said:


> That reminds me of.
> “How do you piss the wife off during sex?”
> “Ring her up!”


Yeah, if it doesn't put her off it might put the guy off.


----------



## Feldon (20/2/19)

razz said:


> That reminds me of.
> “How do you piss the wife off during sex?”
> “Ring her up!”



Or try the rodeo method.

During sex whisper in her ear, "You're not as tight as your sister."

Then see if you can stay on for seven seconds.


----------



## DU99 (12/3/19)

What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story

At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed

At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story

At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?


----------



## Woong (26/3/19)




----------



## Woong (31/3/19)




----------



## Luchadore Brewer (1/4/19)

A bloke walks into a bar and sees his mate sipping his beer through a straw. He had a split lip, a black eye, arm in a sling, and crutches under each arm, but the biggest eye catcher was the shiny red lump on his forehead that would put a cricket ball to shame. Bloke slides a beer to his mate and asks him "What the bloody hell happened to you?!"
"Maaate, you wouldn't believe it." he recounts with a single tear in his good eye. "A couple of hours ago I arrived here just as a blind guy and his guide dog was leaving the bar. Before he left, his bastard dishlicker left a throbbin great turd on the floor just over there." he indicated to the squashed stain in the carpet. "So I'm walking in as soon as they're going out of the pub. I didn't see it, but the barmaid says I stepped on the shit, skidded across the floor, and crashed head-on into the bar. That's where I got this." pointing to the almost toffee apple-like red lump on his head.
"Shit, mate." said the bloke as he listened to the story, trying not to stare at the Christmas bauble hanging off his mate's head. "That explains the lump, what about the rest of you?" he asked.
"Yeah, that" his mate sighed and took a sip from his beer, "I'd already finished my first beer and into the bar stomps the 150kg bikie. Well, before the barmaid could warn him he plants his boot on the wrong spot, and he's skidding across the floor and slams into the bar. I swear even the lights shook when he stopped. And when he got up he had a lump on his forehead just as big as mine. "WHO DID THAT?!" he roars. And well, me not thinkin' stands up and says "I did!"


----------



## Luchadore Brewer (1/4/19)

The Aussie Army was experiencing huge (Darryl Eastlake type Huge) budget cuts due to "The recession Australia had to have" (and apparently never ended)…
Anyway, a government representative and a General are inspecting the field medical facilities in the Middle East with a renowned military doctor. 
"As you can see" explained the doctor, "We've aimed to keep our spending down, and being a field hospital we've had to improvise a lot of our treatments. But I can safely say that we are within our budget. The soldiers are so motivated by the medical treatments here on offer they'll do anything to avoid injury in the field."
"Amazing." said the government rep as he poured over the financial figures, "According to this, not only is your unit under budget, but you're the only unit in this territory that's actually in surplus. I have to know how you do it!"
"Right this way, gentlemen." said the doctor ushering them down a hall of tents. The stop at a bay of tents, and the doctor introduces them to one of his patients.
"This man seems fit and ready for active service, what's he doing here?" asked the General.
"Jekins, sir. Major" answered the patient, " I was admitted with a prolonged case of constipation."
"Which resulted in the worst case of piles I've ever seen in 20 years of medicine. But thanks to our treatment, he's on the mend." added the doctor.
"I see, and how are you treating this, doctor?" asked the General.
"A wire brush, and dettol, sir" answered the doctor.
The General asked the soldier "Jenkins, what are your goals?"
"To return to active service, sir" he answered

The doctor leads them to the next tent where another soldier in seemingly good health is in his bunk.
"What's your ailment, Major...?" asked the General.
"Russell, sir. I had accumulated a lot of leave and I spent it the only way I knew how. I must have visited every brothel, cathouse, bordello, and back alley in the territory." answered the patient
"Major Russell seems to have caught serious cases of almost every STI there is. Herpes. Gonorrhoea. Chlamydia. And those are just the ones we know about." explained the doctor as he handed the General a large list of Major Russell's infections.
"How are we treating this?" asked the General.
"A wire brush and dettol, sir" answered the doctor.
The General asked the soldier "Russell, what are your goals?"
"To return to active service, sir" he answered.

The doctor then leads them to a third tent where a soldier is laying in his bunk with a pained expression.
"Ah, let me guess." said the government rep "This soldier has already been treated with the wire brush and dettol?"
"Lieutenant Gordon?" said the doctor, "Oh my, no. Gordon here has a case of severe tonsillitis that's so extreme he had to be admitted."
"How are we treating this?" asked the General.
"A wire brush and dettol, sir" answered the doctor.
"What are your goals, Lieutenant Gordon?"
Gordon reaches for a pen and paper, scribbles a note, points to the other two tents and hands it to the General.
The General reads aloud "To get the wire brush and dettol before those dirty bastards!"


----------



## Woong (16/4/19)

On a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.
I have a meeting at the bank shortly, and if I'm successful, I'll be out of debt and own everything I have now!
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.....


----------



## Milhouse (17/4/19)

A lonely traveller is exploring Los Angeles whilst on a layover. As it becomes dark he finds himself in an affluent but secluded suburb. As it is away from the tourist traps he sees no hotels or taxis, only mansions. He walks up to the door of a four story dwelling that looked indistinguishable from the surrounding houses and knocks on the door. A wizened old Chinese man answers the door. The traveller pleads, “Please sir I am lost and need a place to stay. Could you possibly give me a bed for the night? I am happy to pay for your inconvenience.” He proceeds to explain how he ended up in the predicament.



After several seconds of careful thought the old man says, “I would be happy to let you stay tonight, in fact I don't expect any payment. However you must promise not to touch my daughter. If you do I will subject you to the worst Chinese tortures known to man.” The traveler hastily agrees. “Great, we are about to have dinner please join us.” said the old man.



As the traveller sits down at the table the old man’s daughter enters. The traveller immediately is stunned by her appearance and the two proceed to eye each other off all through dinner. Afterwards he is shown up to his room on the top floor, across the hall from the daughters room. After an hour or so he sneaks into the daughters room and they proceed to engage in nocturnal activities.



The traveller then sneaks back to his room, comfortable with the thought he had managed to not wake the old man. He woke several hours later, and prior to opening his eyes could feel an incredible weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and it soon became apparent why, there was a large boulder on his chest. It had a note attached reading “Chinese torture no. ! - Big arse rock on chest.



“**** this.” He thought as he heaved it out the window not far from him. He immediately noticed a rope tied to the boulder coming back in the window with a note attached that read “Chinese torture no. 2 – left testicle tied to rock.” “Shit, a few broken bones isn't as bad as having my nut ripped off” he thought as he jumped out the window, only to see another rope leading back up with a note, “Chinese torture no. 3 – Right testicle tied to bedpost.


----------



## Woong (10/5/19)

My girlfriend is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.


----------



## Woong (16/5/19)

The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected!


----------



## DU99 (16/5/19)

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the US prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said that in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


----------



## Woong (26/6/19)

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer " by The Monkees coz it annoyed her. 
At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face..........


----------



## awfulknauful (30/6/19)




----------



## Woong (10/7/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (17/7/19)

Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the bar tender says "not U2 again"


----------



## Paddy Melon (18/7/19)

*Sound logic*






A man was walking down the street , when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.


The man took out his wallet , extracted ten dollars and asked : "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"


"No , I had to stop drinking years ago ," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food ?" the man asked

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well ," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead , I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? 

The man replied : "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."


----------



## Woong (30/7/19)

The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers
and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.


So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be
installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs
the most poles gets the job."


Both teams headed right out.


At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked
them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but
they'd put in twelve.


Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came
back in, totally exhausted.


"Well, how many poles did you guys
install?" said the boss


Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and
me, we got three in. "

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish
blokes put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Mick, "but did ya see how much
they left sticking out of the ground.”


----------



## Grmblz (31/7/19)

I thought my vasectomy would prevent my wife getting pregnant.
Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby.


----------



## Woong (1/8/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (1/8/19)

I heard that corduroy pillows are making headlines.


----------



## Woong (3/8/19)

To the person who stole my anti depression tablets, I hope you're happy


----------



## wide eyed and legless (5/8/19)




----------



## Grmblz (5/8/19)

Just love "The Far Side" Gary Larson was a genius (I have every book)


----------



## wide eyed and legless (6/8/19)

Grmblz said:


> Just love "The Far Side" Gary Larson was a genius (I have every book)


I don't think I have every book but I have quite a few, he was thought of being to far from the norm when he first started and people complained about him, it really isn't like the run of the mill American humour.


----------



## Woong (7/8/19)




----------



## Grmblz (12/8/19)

Local paedophile found dead with 27 bullets in his head, police reckon it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen.


----------



## Woong (14/8/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (19/8/19)

There was good reason the lifeguard couldn't save the hippy. 

He was just too far out.


----------



## Woong (20/8/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (30/8/19)

I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it...


----------



## peteru (30/8/19)

How do you express the opposite of "like"?

You know, the "un-like", "that's shite" or "could do better" kind of response?


----------



## Woong (4/9/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (9/9/19)

Two Cannibals were eating a clown. 

One said to the other: "Does he taste funny to you?"


----------



## Bushbear (11/9/19)

“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied


----------



## Brew Bama (11/9/19)

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.


----------



## Brewer Tom (13/10/19)

Love this one with the kids in the car . . .

'Reversing . . . Ahh, this takes me back'


----------



## wide eyed and legless (17/10/19)

Brewer Tom said:


> Love this one with the kids in the car . . .
> 
> 'Reversing . . . Ahh, this takes me back'


Another one for the car.
I going to try something in a minute, Iv'e seen it done in a cartoon but I think I can do it.


----------



## Woong (26/10/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (8/11/19)

another funny


----------



## Brewer Tom (22/11/19)

Waitress: Sees that dad hasn't eaten all his food 'Do you want a box for that?'

Dad: 'No, but I'll wrestle ya for it!'"


----------



## Brewer Tom (22/11/19)

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships... 

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer!


----------



## Grmblz (7/12/19)

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (7/12/19)

'Still Game' top comedy show from Scotland well worth watching, sadly ended now.


----------



## Barge (9/12/19)

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face.


----------



## Woong (10/12/19)




----------



## Brewer Tom (13/12/19)

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. 
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. 
The difference is staggering.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (13/12/19)

Bushbear said:


> “We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
> “Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
> “That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied


I've had some mileage out of this joke.


----------



## krz (13/12/19)

wide eyed and legless said:


> 'Still Game' top comedy show from Scotland well worth watching, sadly ended now.



I know that one brilliant


----------



## Woong (15/12/19)

Beer


----------



## Chods1 (16/12/19)

Woong said:


> Beer
> View attachment 117079


Reminds me of me!


----------



## Grmblz (19/12/19)

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a night club and says "I've got an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"
After a few drinks she takes him home.
The next morning she says "hey you said you had 8 inches and could go all night but you've only got 5 inches and lasted 3 minutes"
Bob replies "I'm a builder love, it was an estimate"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (20/12/19)

I don't know if I have posted this before.
A ventriloquist cowboy comes across a ranch, and looking for a place to stay the night rides up to the farmhouse and the farmer came out to greet him. Thinking he will have some fun with this country bumpkin the dog comes up first wagging his tail, the ventriloquist asks the dog how the farmer is treating him. The dog replies I have plenty of exercise, and I am fed well and I am happy here, the farmer is amazed, next he goes up to the farmers horse and asks how are you treated here horse, the horse replies I am treated well have plenty of food and a warm barn to sleep in. The farmer is flabbergasted, he turns to the cowboy and says, 'Don't you go talking to those sheep in yonder meadow, they are nothing but goddamn liars'.


----------



## Grmblz (20/12/19)

An oldie but goody.


----------



## OATY1KENOBE (21/12/19)

WARNING - This joke has what some might consider offensive language - do not read if easily offended !

A really rough and ragged bloke out on a station comes bursting through the front door of the homestead with his dog by his side and says to his missus " Right !,.. I'm goin' pig huntin',...... You got 3 choices 1. You come with me, 2. you give me blow job instead, 3. you take one up the back alley !" his missus says, "Awww,... let me think about it for 5 minutes" He says " righto,... I'm going out to get ready, I'll be back in a tic" Then turns to go back outside and says to his dog " Come on Rex!"
5 minutes later he bursts through the door and says " Righto woman, what's it gunna be?" She says " Awwww... I'll take the blow-job" He Says " Righto !,... get on your knees !" He flops it out and she puts it in her mouth and a second later she spits on the floor repeatedly, screws up her face and says " Ewwwww !! This tastes like dog shit ! " the bloke says " Yeah,...... Rex didn't wanna go either !"


----------



## Bushbear (27/12/19)

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon 
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. its really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."


----------



## Brewer Tom (3/1/20)

Did you hear that McDonald's tried to get into the steakhouse market?

It was a big mcsteak


----------



## DU99 (3/1/20)

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire.


Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up".


The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"


So, the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First" she said "I want to be very, VERY wealthy".


*POOF!*


Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. In two lifetimes even!


The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next" she said "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18".


*POOF!*


The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.


"Third" she said to the fairy "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

*POOF!*


The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you had me neutered!!"


----------



## DU99 (3/1/20)

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning".


Christmas morning arrives and they were all on the golf course.


The first guy says "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".


Number two guy says "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures".


Number three guy says "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual".


They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the arse and said: 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf' and she said 'Don't forget sunscreen!'".


----------



## Brewer Tom (4/1/20)

My wife was cleaning 12 year old sons room and found some serious bondage gear. 

She asked what should she do. 

I said under no circumstance spank him.


----------



## OATY1KENOBE (5/1/20)

Last night I said to my wife " I'm gunna give you a huge orgasm !! "
So I did.
.............then the bitch spat it straight back in my face !!


----------



## Grmblz (7/1/20)

Black man goes to the doctors and says "every time I have sex with a white woman my eyes sting" 
Doctor says "that'll be the pepper spray"


----------



## Tomo (7/1/20)

Grmblz said:


> Black man goes to the doctors and says "every time I have sex with a white woman my eyes sting"
> Doctor says "that'll be the pepper spray"


That's not funny any more


----------



## Grmblz (8/1/20)

Tomo said:


> That's not funny any more


Well my black mates think it's hilarious, maybe they're not as politically correct as you, or maybe they take it for what it is A JOKE! and don't think they haven't got some rippers about us whiteys. Have a beer and chill out.


----------



## Nullnvoid (8/1/20)

Tomo said:


> That's not funny any more



It's not funny any less either


----------



## Norbert (9/1/20)

This has never been funny!


Grmblz said:


> Well my black mates think it's hilarious, maybe they're not as politically correct as you, or maybe they take it for what it is A JOKE! and don't think they haven't got some rippers about us whiteys. Have a beer and chill out.


----------



## Grmblz (9/1/20)

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".

Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing.

A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!


----------



## Nullnvoid (9/1/20)

Grmblz said:


> Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
> 
> Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
> 
> ...



That's not funny anymore!


----------



## Grmblz (9/1/20)

Or any less!


----------



## Chods1 (9/1/20)

Nullnvoid said:


> That's not funny anymore!


Why not?


----------



## Nullnvoid (9/1/20)

Chods1 said:


> Why not?



It was a joke.

But it's not funny because I don't have the sexual relations so it cuts deep


----------



## Garfield (9/1/20)

Nullnvoid said:


> I don't have the sexual relations so it cuts deep


The first cut is the deepest


----------



## Grmblz (9/1/20)

Garfield said:


> The first cut is the deepest


Not when it's one of my favourite songs.  quite ironic really


----------



## Garfield (10/1/20)

Grmblz said:


> Not when it's one of my favourite songs.  quite ironic really



I should mention I was born two decades too late... But what a time to be alive!!! 

Sgt. Pepper, Foxy Lady, Little Johnny Farnham, Martin Luther King Jr, our natives qualifying as Australian citizens and the best looking mustang and camaro in history. 

Sure is a shame about poor old Harold Holt, the Soviets, the domestic genocide in Cambodia, Charles Manson, Apollo 1, Tasmania nearly burning to the ground and of course the Vietnam War.

All things considered, who could forget 1967? Now do any PC leftists take issue with my recording of history?


----------



## philrob (10/1/20)

Garfield said:


> I should mention I was born two decades too late... But what a time to be alive!!!
> 
> Sgt. Pepper, Foxy Lady, Little Johnny Farnham, Martin Luther King Jr, our natives qualifying as Australian citizens and the best looking mustang and camaro in history.
> 
> ...



I was a teenager in the 60s. Let's not forget Cream, one of the best bands ever. In my 7 decades, the 60s are still my most memorable. I regularly play 60s bands on Spotify on my daily morning exercise walk. And, of course, I reached legal drinking age in the 1960s! I'm not going to comment on certain other intimate firsts (yes, first*s*) accomplished back then, just use your imagination.


----------



## Grmblz (10/1/20)

philrob said:


> I was a teenager in the 60s. Let's not forget Cream, one of the best bands ever. In my 7 decades, the 60s are still my most memorable. I regularly play 60s bands on Spotify on my daily morning exercise walk. And, of course, I reached legal drinking age in the 1960s! I'm not going to comment on certain other intimate firsts (yes, first*s*) accomplished back then, just use your imagination.


+1. Yes a lot of "firsts" for me in the 60's, in my white room with black curtains.


----------



## Blackman (11/1/20)

Grmblz said:


> Black man goes to the doctors and says "every time I have sex with a white woman my eyes sting"
> Doctor says "that'll be the pepper spray"


Check my username.....It's still funny!


----------



## Blackman (11/1/20)

philrob said:


> I was a teenager in the 60s. Let's not forget Cream, one of the best bands ever. In my 7 decades, the 60s are still my most memorable. I regularly play 60s bands on Spotify on my daily morning exercise walk. And, of course, I reached legal drinking age in the 1960s! I'm not going to comment on certain other intimate firsts (yes, first*s*) accomplished back then, just use your imagination.


So jealous. Born 1977, would loved to have grown up in the 60/70s but I got the 80s................


----------



## Grmblz (11/1/20)

Blackman said:


> So jealous. Born 1977, would loved to have grown up in the 60/70s but I got the 80s................


Poor bugger, at least yer still young.... ish Us old farts just have our memories (and our humour) I suspect the PC brigade are from another generation, and they'll never understand. Oh well, cheers bloke!


----------



## wide eyed and legless (11/1/20)

philrob said:


> I was a teenager in the 60s. Let's not forget Cream, one of the best bands ever. In my 7 decades, the 60s are still my most memorable. I regularly play 60s bands on Spotify on my daily morning exercise walk. And, of course, I reached legal drinking age in the 1960s! I'm not going to comment on certain other intimate firsts (yes, first*s*) accomplished back then, just use your imagination.


I tried using my imagination, kept running away with me.


----------



## Chods1 (11/1/20)

Dead right. I lived my teen years through the sixties and the quality of the music will never be replicated. The bringing to public notice of social issues was a major factor in the huge changes that we experienced. Lets hope today's younger generations will be strong enough to continue the fight to get government and business to admit to and do something about the sorry and dangerous state of our planet. Love you music!


----------



## Ballaratguy (11/1/20)

You guys haven’t mentioned the original heavy metal band. The one who had the loudest concert noise level before The Who took the record
The Yardbirds


----------



## malt and barley blues (11/1/20)

Vietnam, Cuba missile crisis, Chairman Mao barrel of laughs.


----------



## Garfield (11/1/20)

Ballaratguy said:


> You guys haven’t mentioned the original heavy metal band. The one who had the loudest concert noise level before The Who took the record
> The Yardbirds


I guess it got an honorary mention since Cream and Yardbirds both came to fame by the shredding chords of Eric Clapton. You know, in between banging his colleagues wives and getting stoned. Classic 60s

Oh that reminds me, I watched the Woodstock documentary with my old man on Christmas day. Epic!


----------



## YAPN (11/1/20)

Grmblz said:


> I suspect the PC brigade are from another generation


And I don't suspect PC is aimed at your generation.

Today we have cyberstalking and social media and online groups of hateful idiots spewing heaps of threats and insults against anyone they consider a minority. They can be relentless and cheerfully harass people into suicide. PC exists because we failed. Your generation failed, we all failed to keep a check on the racists among us.

Your joke was told with good humour but to many idiots these jokes are told with seething hatred. They are changed from jokes into weapons and used to hurt innocent, often vulnerable, people. I understand the push-back against PC, it's a pain in the arse, but it's meant to be a pain in the arse. It's the rogering we deserve because we let things get out of hand. (Apologies to all the Rogers out there)

You could easily swap some words around and the joke would have brought just as many laughs. "Everytime I have sex with a young woman..." or if you want to make it edgy, "A Telstra linesman from Claremont says to his doctor...".

And I'll finish with this, you're a child of the sixties, right? I thought you were supposed to die before you got old.


----------



## YAPN (11/1/20)

Here's a joke...

incel

Seriously, these guys are a hoot.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (12/1/20)

YAPN said:


> PC exists because we failed. Your generation failed, we all failed to keep a check on the racists among us.
> 
> I understand the push-back against PC, it's a pain in the arse, but it's meant to be a pain in the arse. It's the rogering we deserve because we let things get out of hand. (Apologies to all the Rogers out there)



Political correctness exists to make some individuals who feel the need to police it, feel superior, much the same as the grammar Nazis who want to correct grammatical errors.
What is wrong with saying a colour? Look at the Americans, its hard to know what description to give to describe a black person. After LBJ kept referring to black people as Nigras ( how he used to pronounce it) they have tried black, coloured's, black again and at the moment African American. Here they say African appearance, there are plenty of white immigrants here from South Africa and Zimbabwe but they are called white!
It's worth watching the documentary on You tube about The Black and White Minstrel Show, the most successful TV show in television history, axed because of a few complaints.


----------



## Coalminer (12/1/20)

Misleading thread title, maybe I stumbled in here by mistake
https://aussiehomebrewer.com/threads/continuing-rant-thread-get-it-off-ya-chest-here.78405/


----------



## Grmblz (12/1/20)

YAPN said:


> You could easily swap some words around and the joke would have brought just as many laughs. "Everytime I have sex with a young woman..." or if you want to make it edgy, "A Telstra linesman from Claremont says to his doctor...".
> fwiw I told the joke as it was told to me, by an ORIGINAL! Australian, half a dozen guys, black, white, tanned, and yellow (I have a Chinese student staying for a few weeks) in my man cave drinking homebrew, it didn't seem racist to me at the time, and it still doesn't, maybe racism is in the eye of the beholder, as you say it's the intention behind the remark/joke that's important. I've been called a pommie bas***d and laughed my head off, I've also been called a pommie bas***d and had to defend myself, such is the world we live in.
> 
> And I'll finish with this, you're a child of the sixties, right? I thought you were supposed to die before you got old.


 I tried Oh! how I tried, but,only the good die young.


----------



## Grmblz (12/1/20)

Crusty old biker pulls up to a way out back pub, wanders in and looks at the menu.

Menu
Beer $5.00
Meat pie $5.00
Sausage roll $5.00
Hand job $25.00

A sexy young blonde barmaid with huge boobs comes over and asks "can I help you"
Checking his wallet he leans over the bar and whispers "are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"
Giving him a coy little smile and a wink "sure am" she says.

"Well wash yer hands cos I want a meat pie!"


----------



## DU99 (12/1/20)

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.


The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"


The cop says: "What are you doing?"


The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine".


Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"


The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater".


Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!


The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir".


The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes".


----------



## YAPN (13/1/20)

Grmblz, I put forward my opinion on why we all have to live with PC. I do not believe that you are racist or that your post was a racist act. If I implied that you were then I unreservedly apoligise.

And I don't hope you die! Cheers.


----------



## Garfield (13/1/20)

YAPN said:


> Grmblz, I put forward my opinion on why we all have to live with PC. I do not believe that you are racist or that your post was a racist act. If I implied that you were then I unreservedly apoligise.
> 
> And I don't hope you die! Cheers.


We're back to jokes now mate. Time to let it go


----------



## Woong (15/1/20)




----------



## Woong (15/1/20)




----------



## Chods1 (17/1/20)

Haha. That's so good. "Don't mess with the Queen"


----------



## Brewer Tom (19/1/20)

Apparently if you buy cabbage from Coles you also have to but carrots and mayonnaise. 
It's Coles law . . .


----------



## Woong (24/1/20)




----------



## wide eyed and legless (24/1/20)

Well, she doesn't do it by using the desk.


----------



## DU99 (29/1/20)

A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great-great grandchildren... and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## DU99 (29/1/20)

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


----------



## Brewer Tom (4/2/20)

I swallowed a dictionary. 

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.


----------



## Woong (4/3/20)




----------



## wide eyed and legless (9/3/20)

Brewer Tom said:


> I swallowed a dictionary.
> 
> It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.


The thesaurus is great, there's no other word for it.


----------



## Brewer Tom (10/3/20)

Did you hear John Travolta was hospitalised last night with suspected corona virus.

Turned out it was just Saturday night fever.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (10/3/20)

Brewer Tom said:


> Did you hear John Travolta was hospitalised last night with suspected corona virus.
> 
> Turned out it was just Saturday night fever.


Is he stayin alive?


----------



## Bob65 (10/3/20)

The staff at the local Dan Murphy's told me that they thought that I had been panic buying for the last 9 years.


----------



## gone brewing (10/3/20)

The guy who invented hand sanitiser would be rubbing his hands together right now.


----------



## Edward Rowe (12/3/20)

Sometimes the best laughs come from within...


----------



## Blackman (13/3/20)

Can't read it.


----------



## Grmblz (13/3/20)

Blackman said:


> Can't read it.


It's post #15 on the thread WTB: keg coupler.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (13/3/20)

Blackman said:


> Can't read it.


Makes no sense, your better off reading Edward Roe's posts, not one piece of useful information in them.


----------



## Grmblz (13/3/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> Makes no sense, your better off reading Edward Roe's posts, not one piece of useful information in them.


Oh dear, touched a nerve did we? The guys a flog and you're the only one that can't see it. Time for spec savers.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (13/3/20)

Grmblz said:


> Oh dear, touched a nerve did we? The guys a flog and you're the only one that can't see it. Time for spec savers.


I can see it, its those encouraging him which maybe can't see it.  Maybe Edward might in a position to be able to fill us in on what is happening in the legal arena, now that might be worth a giggle.
Back to proper jokes.
I went to the hardware store and asked the woman "What's best for getting red wine stains off a carpet?"
"Ammonia cleaner." she replied.
"I'm sorry" I said, "I thought you worked here."


----------



## Ghostie (13/3/20)

What about this


----------



## Ghostie (13/3/20)




----------



## wide eyed and legless (13/3/20)

I can see you are starting to get the hang of uploading.


----------



## simon_fiona1 (14/3/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> I can see you are starting to get the hang of uploading.


Hehe......I've never uploaded anything to the internet let alone post something....so I take it one step at a time.


----------



## Chods1 (14/3/20)

Grmblz said:


> Oh dear, touched a nerve did we? The guys a flog and you're the only one that can't see it. Time for spec savers.


I can't read it either.


----------



## DU99 (16/3/20)

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


----------



## wide eyed and legless (19/3/20)

As reported in the Australian financial section.

10% of Australia's richest,owns 50% of the nations wealth. While 10% of Australia's most stupid, owns 50% of the nations toilet rolls.


----------



## Woong (20/3/20)




----------



## Brewer Tom (23/3/20)

Who can drink 5l of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry can


----------



## Bob65 (23/3/20)

I was told that all you needed to do to go to the supermarket was wear a face mask and gloves.

That was a lie though.

Everyone else was also wearing clothes.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (24/3/20)

Good to see the Spanish have a sense of humour considering the coronavirus has hit them pretty hard.


----------



## Chods1 (24/3/20)

hahaha


----------



## Hangover68 (25/3/20)

Hollywood are about to make a movie about building kegerators, it will be called " The short-shank Redemption ".


----------



## Grmblz (27/3/20)

Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid - 19
Prince Andrew is self isolating at Windsor with Jennifer - 14


----------



## wide eyed and legless (27/3/20)

I was at the Doctor's yesterday - He told me I needed to stop masturbating. I said "Why.....am I going blind?"
He replied " No......I'm trying to examine you!"


----------



## Danscraftbeer (27/3/20)

So terrible jokes. Please continue In the conservative sense or not!
Try not to indulge on toilet paper. It goes far beyond that now.


----------



## Hangover68 (28/3/20)

Adam Sandler is doing a new movie, Dont mess with the Wuhan.


----------



## sponge (28/3/20)

You could've stopped at 'Adam Sandler is doing a new movie'. 

That's all the humour we need..


----------



## Hangover68 (28/3/20)

sponge said:


> You could've stopped at 'Adam Sandler is doing a new movie'.
> 
> That's all the humour we need..



True except i don't think hes funny, he has done a couple i like but generally don't rate him.


----------



## sponge (28/3/20)

Sarcasm font was lost in the text..


----------



## Chods1 (29/3/20)

Who's Adam Sandler. I'm fair dinkum. I dont know of him.


----------



## Hyper.Intelligent.Fish (30/3/20)

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says to the horse "Why the long face?"
The horse says "I'm a Port Adelaide Power supporter."
The bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a .22 and shoots the horse dead. 
One of the barflies turns to the bartender and says "What did you do that for?"
The bartender says "That horse was horribly lame."


----------



## Hangover68 (30/3/20)

sponge said:


> Sarcasm font was lost in the text..



No i got it but could be read either way.


----------



## Grmblz (1/4/20)

Government is appealing to anyone that's been on benefits for more than 4 years to volunteer as advisers, to those trying to access centerlink on how to operate the system, and for those self isolating, how to stay home and do **** all.


----------



## wide eyed and legless (2/4/20)

Sat on the end of the bed pulling off my boxers, the wife said, ' You spoil them dogs'.


----------



## Grmblz (15/4/20)

My nurse.


----------



## DU99 (15/4/20)

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window". The desk clerk says "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter". The man replies "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter".


----------



## Grmblz (27/4/20)

Mental giant


----------



## Chods1 (27/4/20)

HAHAHA. He's a beaut!


----------



## Grmblz (27/4/20)

The biggest joke is his power base wouldn't understand it.


----------



## Chods1 (27/4/20)

Too true Grmblz


----------



## nanuk (28/4/20)

Your TDS is showing!


----------



## Chods1 (28/4/20)

What is TDS?


----------



## Grmblz (28/4/20)

Total dissolved salts, not sure what it has to do with the joke though.


----------



## nanuk (28/4/20)

Trump derangement syndrome 

It is amazing how he can make the loony left, and Alt-left, totally insane.


----------



## Malted Mick (28/4/20)

Grmblz said:


> Mental giant


Donald's latest reply to Angela! What’s wrong with you? Obviously, you don't not understand the subtleties of sarcasm.


----------



## yankinoz (29/4/20)

Grmblz said:


> Mental giant


I am so deeply offended that I'm sending the pic on to all me mates in the states, so they can be offended too.


----------



## Grmblz (29/4/20)

yankinoz said:


> I am so deeply offended that I'm sending the pic on to all me mates in the states, so they can be offended too.


Too late mate, I sent it to a mate in Sand point (Idaho) like Corona it's probably spread to much of the US already.


----------



## Chods1 (29/4/20)

yankinoz said:


> I am so deeply offended that I'm sending the pic on to all me mates in the states, so they can be offended too.


Goodo. God move.


----------



## Grmblz (29/4/20)

yankinoz said:


> I am so deeply offended that I'm sending the pic on to all me mates in the states, so they can be offended too.


Mmmm, just had a thought, we're sitting dumb fat and happy here in Oz, I'm a pominoz and have family in the Uk dealing with the results of stupidly moronic leadership similar to, although not on such a monumentous fktardiness scale as the US, so all jokes aside yank hope yours are travelling well and safe. Cheers G


----------



## Chods1 (29/4/20)

Grmblz said:


> Mmmm, just had a thought, we're sitting dumb fat and happy here in Oz, I'm a pominoz and have family in the Uk dealing with the results of stupidly moronic leadership similar to, although not on such a monumentous fktardiness scale as the US, so all jokes aside yank hope yours are travelling well and safe. Cheers G


Yes sobering thoughts. I care for my cousins in the US as well.


----------



## Grmblz (29/4/20)

Sorry guys, couldn't resist.


----------



## Vic (1/5/20)




----------



## carrobrew (15/5/20)

A guy comes home pissed one night and walks in to his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

He looks at his wife in bed and says "See honey, this is the pig I **** when you're not in the mood"

His wife says "You're pissed, that's a sheep not a pig"

"I wasn't talking to you" He replies.


----------



## philrob (15/5/20)

carrobrew,
I sent you a personal message about tonight's HUB club meeting, if you're interested.


----------



## carrobrew (15/5/20)

philrob said:


> carrobrew,
> I sent you a personal message about tonight's HUB club meeting, if you're interested.


Thanks for the invite mate


----------



## Grmblz (17/5/20)

And they breed!


----------



## wide eyed and legless (17/5/20)

You can never lose a homing pigeon if your pigeon doesn't come home you've just lost a pigeon.

I met a drunk ventriloquist, she said she wanted to sleep with me,I didn't know if it was her or the beer talking.

Every year kids are sent off to mime school, never to be heard from again.


----------



## Grmblz (17/5/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> You can never lose a homing pigeon if your pigeon doesn't come home you've just lost a pigeon.
> 
> I met a drunk ventriloquist, she said she wanted to sleep with me,I didn't know if it was her or the beer talking.
> 
> ...


----------



## wide eyed and legless (17/5/20)

The only one I had heard before was the pigeon one, just come across a site with all the other one liners.


----------



## Bob65 (17/5/20)

Speaking of pigeons, I just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 34th time


----------



## scomet (21/5/20)

Seen on German brewing forum


----------



## Grmblz (21/5/20)

Was going to put this on a thread titled "New Tech that you need"
But somebody would have complained.


----------



## Grmblz (24/5/20)

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19." 

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor. 

Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair. 

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion n from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands. 

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci, "How many people is a brazillion?"


----------



## Grmblz (25/5/20)

Eggs


----------



## DU99 (29/5/20)

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Gainesville,
and they see a sign on a store which reads,
'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.'

Bubba says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, look here!
We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to Tallahassee,
sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune.
Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell
that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl
so's they don't know we are from Florida.'

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,
'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.
I'll back up my pickup and ......'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Y'all played football for
Florida State, didn’t y’all?'

'Well...yeah,' says a surprised Bubba.....
'How come you knowed that?'

'Because this is a dry cleaners.'


----------



## wide eyed and legless (5/6/20)

A good hide and seek partner is really hard to find.
I was shot 400 times with an upholstery stapling gun, but now I am fully recovered.


----------



## Froffies and coffees (6/6/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> A good hide and seek partner is really hard to find.
> I was shot 400 times with an upholstery stapling gun, but now I am fully recovered.





wide eyed and legless said:


> A good hide and seek partner is really hard to find.
> I was shot 400 times with an upholstery stapling gun, but now I am fully recovered.


Sofa so good?


----------



## wide eyed and legless (6/6/20)

My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex, my wife swears its for dyslexia.


----------



## Woong (18/6/20)




----------



## DU99 (21/6/20)

During his physical, the doctor asked the
patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and
down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out
of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees." 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" 

"NAH," he replied,
"I'm just a crappy golfer."


----------



## wide eyed and legless (21/6/20)

My girlfriend seems to think I'm a stalker........ well shes not my girlfriend yet.
When I told my psychiatrist I've been hearing voices in my head she told me I don't have a psychiatrist.


----------



## Grmblz (23/6/20)

I want my Brian, but I don't belong to the Morans.


----------



## Woong (12/7/20)




----------



## wide eyed and legless (12/7/20)

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.


----------



## thehomebrewchef (12/7/20)

I hate Russian Dolls,

always so full of themselves....


----------



## Woong (17/7/20)




----------



## Woong (7/8/20)




----------



## darrenhayes (16/8/20)

My Family Car Stickers


Bribie I also hate those wankerish family stickers. My wife and I have talked about the variations (lesbian couples with dildo etc). And waht a bunch of sheep to go and buy them just to be like 'everyone else'. Most likely to be seen on pretend 4 wheel drives (rav4, subaru etc). I also have a...




aussiehomebrewer.com


----------



## Woong (19/8/20)




----------



## wide eyed and legless (28/8/20)




----------



## Chods1 (29/8/20)

Haha that's so good.


----------



## Chods1 (29/8/20)

darrenhayes said:


> My Family Car Stickers
> 
> 
> Bribie I also hate those wankerish family stickers. My wife and I have talked about the variations (lesbian couples with dildo etc). And waht a bunch of sheep to go and buy them just to be like 'everyone else'. Most likely to be seen on pretend 4 wheel drives (rav4, subaru etc). I also have a...
> ...


It's a suburban wannabe ute drivin cowboy look


----------



## Woong (12/9/20)




----------



## Grmblz (25/9/20)

The three rings of life:
1: engagement
2: wedding
3: suffer


----------



## JDW81 (26/9/20)

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of a modest suburban house, and the door is answered by a 5 year old boy who’s holding a balloon of brandy in one hand, and a large Cuban cigar in the other. The salesman, looking surprised, says “hello little boy, are your parents at home”, to which the little boy replies (after taking a sip of brandy and a puff of the cigar) “what the heck do you think”?


----------



## thehomebrewchef (27/9/20)




----------



## butisitart (27/9/20)

i'm irish, so i can do this one (for those who understandably don't appreciate ethnist jokes) .....

this irishman walks out of a bar,


----------



## philrob (27/9/20)

butisitart said:


> this irishman walks out of a bar,



You're lying.....


----------



## JDW81 (28/9/20)

I hope all all naughty swear words written in posts (even if most of the letters are replaced with *&[email protected]) are going to be replaced with heck from now on.


----------



## Froffies and coffees (28/9/20)

Worth a watch. 
Warning coarse language.


----------



## DU99 (2/10/20)

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him 
“Rover” or “Boy.” 
I call mine “Sex.”

Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. 
He said, “I’d like to have one too.” 
Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” 
He said, “You must have been quite a kid!”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon,
I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a 
room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. 
He said, “Every room in the place is for sex.” 
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” 
The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just 
looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. 
He told me that I should have sold tickets. 
“But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.” 
He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” 
The judge said, “Me too.” 
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. 
He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, 
“What are you doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” 
I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up Friday.


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## Grmblz (13/10/20)

One for the Poms


----------



## Grmblz (19/10/20)

Remember these?


----------



## wide eyed and legless (21/10/20)




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## thehomebrewchef (24/10/20)




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## thehomebrewchef (25/10/20)

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a policeman.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face."


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## Grmblz (9/11/20)

This is what humour was like before the vocal minority took control. If you are offended I feel sorry for you. Dave Allen at his finest (scotch in hand)


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## Grmblz (9/11/20)

Trumps getting the full 2020 experience, first he gets Covid (if you believe him?) then he loses his job, and now he's getting evicted.


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## Grmblz (13/11/20)

One for the oldies.


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## wide eyed and legless (14/11/20)




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## Grmblz (14/11/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> View attachment 119493


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## wide eyed and legless (20/11/20)

I went to the doctors with my hearing problem.
The doctor asked me if I could describe the symptoms?
I said, "Well Homers a fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair"


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## wide eyed and legless (20/11/20)

This seems like the only thread I can post in, insufficient privileges?


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## Grmblz (20/11/20)

That's because you've been a very, very, naughty boy  
Barred from sponsors threads I get, HELLO! KegLand, but The Lounge in general???
Send the mod's a PM?
Or is it Trumps slender tendrils weaving their way through Australian brewing society, and disrupting the space time continuum.


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## GrumpyPaul (20/11/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> This seems like the only thread I can post in, insufficient privileges?


I can't see anything in your profile that would block you from all threads except this one. 

My understanding is that it is done on a specific thread.

I'll check with @AHB_Admin when I can for you. She is much more powerful than us mere mortal mods


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## Grmblz (20/11/20)

I always suspected God was a woman


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## Feldon (20/11/20)

[deleted]


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## AHB_Admin (21/11/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> This seems like the only thread I can post in, insufficient privileges?



I'd like to know more about this. I've spot checked your account with different forums and see nothing that keeps you from posting.


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## Grmblz (21/11/20)

Feldon said:


> [deleted]


If you're watching the thread the posts come through even though deleted, I thought it hilarious, but then again I'm agnostic.


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## Feldon (21/11/20)

Ah, yes I see. Damn. Sprung. But it read differently to me this morning (sober) than it did last night when I posted it (had a few jars). So I scrubbed it. And that;s a first for me on AHB. I've always stood by the rubbish I post. No great loss to the world. But glad it gave you a chuckle.


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## wide eyed and legless (21/11/20)

GrumpyPaul said:


> I can't see anything in your profile that would block you from all threads except this one.
> 
> My understanding is that it is done on a specific thread.
> 
> I'll check with @AHB_Admin when I can for you. She is much more powerful than us mere mortal mods








The only thing I can think of is because I cancelled my subscription.


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## GrumpyPaul (21/11/20)

wide eyed and legless said:


> View attachment 119527
> 
> 
> The only thing I can think of is because I cancelled my subscription.


Interesting...I also have insufficient privileges in the What are you brewing thread.

Will look into it.


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## MHB (21/11/20)

Something similar in a different thread.
Couldn't post with attachments relating to designing triangle tests and QA in brewing.
Ended up deleting the post and replacing it with "Glitched"
At the time I just assumed someone Dozy, Sneezy, Itchy... had killed it off, maybe not after all.
Mark


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## GrumpyPaul (21/11/20)

MHB said:


> Something similar in a different thread.
> Couldn't post with attachments relating to designing triangle tests and QA in brewing.
> Ended up deleting the post and replacing it with "Glitched"
> At the time I just assumed someone Dozy, Sneezy, Itchy... had killed it off, maybe not after all.
> Mark


Mark - if you can figure out what thread/forum it was we can look into it.


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## Woong (1/12/20)




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## Woong (16/12/20)




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## wide eyed and legless (17/12/20)

The dyslexic Yorkshire man, would put his cat flap on his head and take his whippet for a walk.


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## Woong (19/12/20)




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## wide eyed and legless (19/12/20)




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## Feldon (22/12/20)

Dominic Frisby with the _Twelve Drunk Days of Christmas_. 

Stick with it. Friggin' hilarious.


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## Ronwales (22/12/20)




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## Woong (23/12/20)




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## Grmblz (13/1/21)

Who's a pretty polly then.


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## DarrenTheDrunk (13/1/21)

I was in a bar the other day and this Asian bloke stood next to me and proceeded to drink beer. I looked at him and ask, " mate do you know that chop chop Kung Fu stuff". He said to me, "why do you say this, that is very racist is it just because I am Chinese to which I replied...No...I need to know because you are drinking my beer !!!


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## Grmblz (19/1/21)

2 day challenge.


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## Malted Mick (19/1/21)

Grmblz said:


> 2 day challenge.


Not a problem I have the willpower to do that! I am also having a alcohol free day on the 01/04/2021.


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## Grmblz (21/1/21)

Yesterday I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying, “I’m a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal.”


It was at that moment that I suddenly realized just how many gynaecologists there are on the
roads.


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## wide eyed and legless (21/1/21)

I got expelled from Weight Watchers yesterday. And it wasn't even my fault, it was the woman next to me who spilled the family box of malteasers onto the table we were all sat around.

I merely commented that it was the funniest game of hungry hungry hippos I had ever seen....:confused.:


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## Feldon (28/1/21)




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## Feldon (29/1/21)

This prank is a few years old now but it still breaks me up.

How could the TV news journos not know they were being duped?


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## Grmblz (3/2/21)

Me: "can you get me a screwdriver please darling"

Wife: "Philips, flathead, or vodka?"

Now you know why I married her.


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## Feldon (3/2/21)

^ She's a keeper.


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## Grmblz (24/2/21)

one for the oldies


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## Malted Mick (24/2/21)

Grmblz said:


> one for the oldies


Would they be hessian bags. Those were the days, sack races at the school fete. The last time I saw hessian bags was at a hipster market in West End!


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## Woong (30/3/21)

see


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## Woong (8/4/21)




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## Woong (16/4/21)




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## Grmblz (7/5/21)

True love.


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## Grmblz (28/5/21)

Be still, my beating heart.


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## Woong (22/6/21)




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## Feldon (22/6/21)

Grmblz said:


> Be still, my beating heart.



Here ya go! This is what the oldies get.


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## Grmblz (23/6/21)

Hey! where dya get a photo of my sister??? 
Actually I reckon she'd be a whole lot more fun to be around than the other two, yeah I'm over 65


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## Woong (23/6/21)




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## Malted Mick (23/6/21)

Feldon said:


> Here ya go! This is what the oldies get.
> 
> View attachment 120621


Thats my mother-inlaw.


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## Feldon (6/7/21)

_Australia's Funniest Answering Machine Messages Impersonations_, by Keith Scott, 1993.

A blast from a now distant past.


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## Chods1 (22/7/21)

This an oldie and may have been in this thread before but here goes anyway.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’


I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.





Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.


(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).


Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but:


Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at whic h point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet..


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actuall y naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.


Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


At first was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.


You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.


I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in th e room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ has to be the least appropriate. Ã¢Â€Â˜You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. ‘Ha ha,’ I said.


And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.


If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like:


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ‘Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine …’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with f lying colors.


I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


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## Eddy Monsoon (23/7/21)

Me : I want a goldfish

Petshop owner : Do you need an Aquarium ?

Me : I don't care about it's star sign


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## Feldon (4/8/21)

With the summer Olympics currently underway in Tokyo my mind is taken back to Olympic TV broadcasts of yesteryear, and the unique and highly professional standard of sports commentary set by Australia's own Roy and HG.

The ABC News website has compiled a descriptive list the duo's 10 (arguably) best commentary moments, with links to the relevant videos on Youtube.









Battered sav, Fatso, a cup of hot fat: Roy and HG’' best Olympic moments


In 2000, Roy and HG introduced the term "battered sav" to the national lexicon and it hasn't left. With the Tokyo Games fast approaching, we look back at the duo's best Olympic moments.




www.abc.net.au





For sheer hilarity my personal favorite is #2, Steven Bradbury's stunning gold medal win at Salt Lake City in 2002. Watch the first 4 minutes at least. One of the funniest things I've ever seen and heard on TV. And all the funnier because its real.

(Overseas readers might need help with some of the Aussie vernacular. For example, a 'sav' is a type of sausage, like a hot dog only red and bigger. And a 'date' is not a hook-up with your girlfriend, nor the fruit of an exotic palm tree - but go figure).

Enjoy


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## Malted Mick (5/8/21)

The master wordsmiths masters Roy & HG introduced me to the word Penultimate. Only those guys to could use a word like that! 
People use 'penultimate' to mean “the very last” or “the very best.” They're wrong. ... But penultimate *means “next to last”* or “second to last.” It's probably because it adds an emphatic extra syllable to the word ultimate that people think it somehow means “more” than ultimate—but it really means less.


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## Feldon (7/8/21)

Malted Mick said:


> The master wordsmiths masters Roy & HG introduced me to the word Penultimate. Only those guys to could use a word like that!
> People use 'penultimate' to mean “the very last” or “the very best.” They're wrong. ... But penultimate *means “next to last”* or “second to last.” It's probably because it adds an emphatic extra syllable to the word ultimate that people think it somehow means “more” than ultimate—but it really means less.



Would make a good name for a beer.

Eg, Penultimate Lager - you always have one more to go.


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## mischa6262 (8/8/21)

Feldon said:


> Would make a good name for a beer.
> 
> Eg, Penultimate Lager - you always have one more to go.


from the english comedy show bottom (if anyone knows it) Aid makes his uncles famous brew called "*weapons grade lager*" it completely fucks your mind, one sip and you forget the previous 24hours


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## Feldon (19/8/21)




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## JDW81 (20/8/21)

Feldon said:


> View attachment 121012



My wife used to work as a proof-reader and copywriter for a magazine. She had a framed picture of this on her desk. Used to get quite a few chuckles.


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## Grmblz (27/10/21)

My wife just said
"You aren't even listening are you?"

I thought 
"that's a strange way to start a conversation"


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## chrisfromperth (27/10/21)

Ridiculous - my wife said that I don't give her enough privacy.
Well, that's what she wrote in her diary.


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## Feldon (5/11/21)

Found this in an overland travel company's internal staff newsletter from 1976.


----------



## Grmblz (5/11/21)

Your browser is not able to display this video.


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## Feldon (22/11/21)

_The Guv shows how the existence of bacon proves the existence of God._


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## Feldon (15/12/21)

Feldon said:


> Dominic Frisby with the _Twelve Drunk Days of Christmas_.
> 
> Stick with it. Friggin' hilarious.




Bump for Christmas 2021.
(and just as funny as last year)


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## Feldon (3/1/22)

Vintage brilliance from Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.


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## Feldon (3/1/22)

... and a contemporary take on the same theme - the Corona Virus Steeplechase:


----------



## Eddy Monsoon (5/1/22)

I had a donut at the Zoo yesterday


----------



## Eddy Monsoon (6/1/22)

Eddy Monsoon said:


> I had a donut at the Zoo yesterday


It was bread in captivity


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## Grmblz (2/2/22)

Valid message


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## MHB (3/2/22)

If you havent seen it before 
*Homeopathic A&E*
Funny how well it stands up.
Mark


----------



## Paddy Melon (3/2/22)

Awkward. 
Wife: _ Going out for dinner with the crew to celebrate the boss's birthday.
Husband:_ send a pic of the meal.


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## Paddy Melon (3/2/22)

Ah the Irish.


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## Feldon (6/2/22)

Grmblz said:


> View attachment 121436




More Sir Les Patterson...


----------



## Feldon (6/2/22)

And a bit more of Peter Cook in 'The Great Train Robbery' playing a typically obtuse and contrarian copper.


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## yankinoz (6/2/22)

Very old New Jersey joke:

An elderly Jewish guy and an Asian guy were seated next to each other on a flight out of New York..

J: "I'm Saul Goldberg."
A: "I'm Kim Song."
J: "So, vere you come from?"
A: "Korea."
Long pause, then J: "I just want you to know I don't blame you for bombing Pearl Harbour."
A: "Get your facts straight. Japanese did that."
J: "Japanese, Chinese, Korean, vat's the difference?"
Long pause. A: "Good, then I won't blame you for sinking the Titanic."
J: "Vat are you, meshuggah? An iceberg did that."
A: "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, vat's the difference?"


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## Grmblz (7/2/22)

Valid message


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## Grmblz (9/2/22)

If your not an old pom the coalman might not be understood (they delivered coal to the front of the house or the back, depending on where in your house the access to the coal bunker was, basically a cellar with internal access) but the rest of it will be.


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## Grmblz (13/3/22)

Not so funny, but where else do we put this stuff? Maybe a new thread?


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## Feldon (29/3/22)




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## Feldon (31/3/22)




----------



## Feldon (31/3/22)




----------



## Feldon (1/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (1/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (2/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (2/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (17/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (18/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (19/4/22)




----------



## Feldon (3/5/22)




----------



## Feldon (7/5/22)




----------



## Feldon (7/5/22)




----------



## Feldon (11/5/22)




----------



## Dave70 (21/6/22)




----------



## Feldon (10/7/22)




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## Grmblz (20/9/22)

Keeping the thread alive.


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## An Ankoù (21/9/22)

Dave70 said:


> View attachment 122291


C'est la reine qui est morte! 
Vive le roi!


----------



## Eddy Monsoon (21/9/22)

I burnt my Hawaain Pizza last night

Must use aloha setting next time


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## DU99 (20/10/22)

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner,

“How much are your parrots?”



The owner replies,

“The orange one is $150,

the yellow one is $150 and

the red one is $30.”



The woman asks,

“Why is the red one so cheap?”



The owner replies,

“He used to work at a strip club.”



The woman decides to buy the parrot

and brings it home to the family.



After bringing it home the parrot says

“Wow, you have a lovely house.”



The wife then introduces him to the children.



The parrot says “You have very nice children.”



Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband,

the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”


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## DU99 (20/10/22)

The nuns walk up to the Pearly Gates and
are greeted by St. Peter.

"Hello ladies. In order to get into Heaven
you have one final task. You all must answer
one question each to enter the
Holy Gates of Heaven."

The nuns each looked at each other
and nodded in agreement.

Nun #1 steps up preparing herself for the
question she has to answer for eternal life.

St. Peter asks the first nun,
"Who was the first man on the earth?"

Nun #1 answers,
"Adam, of course."

_Bells rang, Angels sang,
and the gates of Heaven open._

She walks through and they close behind her.

Nun #2 steps up and says,
"Ok, I am ready."

St. Peter asks,
"Who was the first woman on earth?"

Nun #2 hides a small chuckle,
in disbelief of the simple question,
"Eve was the first woman on the earth."

_Bells rang, Angels sang,
and the gates of Heaven open._

She passes through the gates and they close.

Nun #3 prepared herself for the question
to follow her sisters to everlasting life.

St. Peter cleared his throat and asks,
"What was Eve's first thought the first time
she saw Adam naked?"

Nun #3 pauses.
Thinks for a while.

Perplexed, she thinks out loud,
"Hmmm, that's a hard one..."

_The Bells rang, Angels sang,
and the gates of Heaven open._


----------



## Coalminer (21/10/22)

Alaskan woman opened the door to 2 park rangers who have been looking for her missing husband
Oh have you found him? she asked
Well we have some bad news, some good news and some very good news, they say
Well whats the bad news, she said
We found your husband in the bay drowned
What could be the good news then? she asked
When we pulled him out he had a dozen Alaskan King Crabs hanging on. They are worth a lot of money at the moment and you are entitled to a share.
Wow she said, then what is the very good news?

Were pulling him up again in the morning!


----------



## Feldon (5/11/22)

To all the young fellas out there, you should marry a girl like this..



and not one like this...


----------



## yankinoz (6/11/22)

Visitor to Iowa farm sees one-legged pig, asks farmer what happened.

"It's a real story, yup, yup. Ernie is the smartest hog in the world, helped the little 'uns with homework. House caught fire one night. Ernie broke out of the pen. broke into the house, sounded the fire alarm and hauled the baby outside. Hero, yup."

"So the pig lost his leg in the fire?"

"Oh no, that happened later. Hog like that you don't eat all at once."


----------



## Grmblz (6/11/22)

That's probably lost on an Aussie audience, perhaps make it an Irish farm.


----------



## Feldon (27/11/22)




----------



## Feldon (27/11/22)




----------



## Feldon (23/12/22)

Time for the annual bump of Dominic Frisby's _12 Drunk Days of Christmas_.

"Stick with it - friggin' hilarious."


----------

