# You're Not A Real Homebrewer



## Shed101 (15/7/10)

unless you?


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## bum (15/7/10)

Annoy the shit out of people?

March pump [/thread]


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## Siborg (15/7/10)

throw away the sediment reducer (apparently)


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## cdbrown (15/7/10)

Watch the air lock religiously and then post about "why isn't my airlock bubbling" or "why hasn't my airlock stopped bubbling"

Now a real craft brewer is a different matter.....


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## Shed101 (15/7/10)

Siborg said:


> throw away the sediment reducer (apparently)



Bloody hell - i only just figured that bastard out yesterday!


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## jyo (15/7/10)

Spend 4 hours outside in 5 degrees, finishing at 1am, standing in front of a burner freezing your arse off while the missus looks out the window shaking her head at you?


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## bum (15/7/10)

cdbrown said:


> Watch the air lock religiously and then post about "why isn't my airlock bubbling" or "why hasn't my airlock stopped bubbling"
> 
> Now a real craft brewer is a different matter.....


 
You're not a real craftbrewer unless you ignore the feedback of others, blame them for your shortcomings an TYPE in all-caps randomly. 

Grammatical rule is frowned upon.


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## brettprevans (15/7/10)

start new threads on topics that have already been posted. although i cant find the thread.

lets see we will have responses about, march pumps (already mentioned by Bum - it seems to be a common one), fly sparging, stuck mash, fished grommets out of fermentors with 'sanatised' hands, had boiling wort piss out all over you for some reason, had a brewday from hell.....


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## Pennywise (15/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> unless you?



Been done not long ago.

edit: too slow


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## hsb (15/7/10)

...drink the floaties


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## Lord Raja Goomba I (15/7/10)

jyo said:


> Spend 4 hours outside in 5 degrees, finishing at 1am, standing in front of a burner freezing your arse off while the missus looks out the window shaking her head at you?



That means the chain from the kitchen is too short.


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## Shed101 (15/7/10)

... you make the effort to bitch and whinge when other people, who haven't spent four years in "the club", don't spend four hours searching through vaguely related posts in case the ground has already been covered.


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## Yeastie Beastie (15/7/10)

Get rolling drunk on a brew day that doesn't go according to plan and you figure out that the reason it didn't go as planned is because you were rolling drunk.
The reason I don't touch till mash out.


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## ~MikE (15/7/10)

move on from the local megaswill you were brought up on?

EDIT: actually this would only really apply to AG.


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## bum (15/7/10)

own an Aldi coffee grinder?


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## beerbrewer76543 (15/7/10)

strangle kittens?


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## Katherine (15/7/10)

If you dont brew at home! ffs

:angry:


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## MeLoveBeer (15/7/10)

Katie said:


> If you dont brew at home! ffs



lol... can't argue with that logic


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## Yob (15/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> unless you?



cannot pass a HBS without suddenly developing engine trouble B)


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## BoilerBoy (15/7/10)

You walk up to the bottle shop counter with one Stubbie of CPA and the the guy says with smile "Big night out eh'?

And I say 'What?....ahh no, I just need it for the yeast".

He then looks at you like you like your about to turn into a pumkin or on i'm on wy way back to "area 51"

BB


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## WarmBeer (15/7/10)

BoilerBoy said:


> You walk up to the bottle shop counter with one Stubbie of CPA and the the guy says with smile "Big night out eh'?


You're not a *real *homebrewer if you buy CPA in stubbies.

Everybody here knows the longnecks are thicker glass with crown seal tops. Plus, you get twice as much yeast! :lol:


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## Wardhog (15/7/10)

Until you dismiss the idea of going to a pub because you know there's only CUB beers there.


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## Wolfy (15/7/10)

citymorgue2 said:


> ... had boiling wort piss out all over you for some reason, had a brewday from hell.....


I've still got the scars from that.


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## Lord Raja Goomba I (15/7/10)

BoilerBoy said:


> You walk up to the bottle shop counter with one Stubbie of CPA and the the guy says with smile "Big night out eh'?
> 
> And I say 'What?....ahh no, I just need it for the yeast".
> 
> ...



Very similar - you go to the bottle and get a CPA/CSA/Coopers Stout bottle, and tell the guy you were one bottle short of a full batch, so needed to purchase the bottle to drain it and get an empty one. Amazing, one always has one less bottle than they need.


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## bum (15/7/10)

Tip beer out to put more beer in. Amazing.


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## Screwtop (15/7/10)

Do I detect a little Neue Wache Vs Alte Garde in some posts recently ????????????????

If you have posted something devicive along these lines........................... then you're not a Real Homebrewer!

Screwy


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## Lord Raja Goomba I (15/7/10)

bum said:


> Tip beer out to put more beer in. Amazing.



Method of draining yet to be determined. :lol: 

I since purchased 90 odd coopers bottles from the paper. They are fantastic bottles, nice and thick. I don't mind coopers, and will drink it to get the bottles, but I could get sick of it very quickly.

anwho, sorry for :icon_offtopic:


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## levin_ae92 (15/7/10)

Make a fermented beverage


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## Screwtop (15/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> unless you?




You've had a BeerGasm :lol:


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## Gout (15/7/10)

your not a real brewer unless you get excited about anything stainless and shiny , think malted grain is better than sliced bread and price things on how much beer it would cost rather than $'s


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## Barry (15/7/10)

You are offered a bottle of Biere de Garde at a pub for $35 and you say"Geez, I can make 20 litres of it for that price".


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## j1gsaw (15/7/10)

Until you have been at a chappo brewday... :huh:


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## fraser_john (15/7/10)

You are not a homebrewer until

- you realise you need to build a shed to store all your stuff in, and not some crappy garden shed, but a shed that is at least 6m x 9m, with concrete and required a petrol/diesel driven machine to make the footers
- you realise your home brew equipment is worth more than your motorcycle you ride to work every day on
- you realise that 300kg of various grains is really more than you need
- you realise that 10 ball lock kegs may be one keg too many
- you realise that the free refridgerator you just picked up has no spare room for you to put it, so you pull the camper out of the shed to make room for it
- you realise you have four or five hop plants growing and look for more room\
- you realise you have a freezer full of half full hop pouches
- you give up selling cheap rhizome cuttings because people bitch at you about the size, even though I follow up and replace them for free if they die and they let me know

end


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## HoppingMad (15/7/10)

Have neighbours that are convinced that your constant nocturnal activities in the shed are due to you running a meth lab. h34r: 

Hopper.


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## brettprevans (15/7/10)

some qualifiers



fraser_john said:


> You are not a homebrewer until
> 
> - you realise you need to build a shed to store all your stuff in, and not some crappy garden shed, but a shed that is at least 6m x 9m, with concrete and required a petrol/diesel driven machine to make the footers
> - you realise your home brew equipment is worth more than your motorcycle you ride to work every day on. and you curse the fact that the motorcycle that you dearly love cant carry a keg or sacks of grain which means no sneaky trips to the HBS
> ...


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## DU99 (15/7/10)

when you forget to take the contents out of the fermeter,and you would wonder what "that" smell is.


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## fraser_john (15/7/10)

citymorgue2 said:


> some qualifiers



ha, not my motorcycle mate, carried a sack of malt from Grain and Grape all the way back to Drysdale  Hhooo ya

Pretty sure I posted a pic on here somewhere of it...<start edit> maybe not, cannot find it, will find it tonight and repost <end edit>


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## warra48 (15/7/10)

when you can't walk past almost any shop to see if anything they sell might be handy in some way for your brewery.


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## QldKev (15/7/10)

Unless your Garbo dreads emptying your bin in case those bags of spent grains rips open again.


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## beerbog (15/7/10)

drink an infected brew........ :beerbang:


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## MeLoveBeer (15/7/10)

Gibbo1 said:


> drink an infected brew........ :beerbang:



drink an infected brew, then wait a week and have another crack (just incase its come good)


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## bum (15/7/10)

warra48 said:


> when you can't walk past almost any shop to see if anything they sell might be handy in some way for your brewery.


 
Oh yeah. This one is me. SWMBO gave me the dirtiest look a while back when I declared (still in the shop) that her new large cast iron casserole would be suitable for making partials with.


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## Fents (15/7/10)

till you drive past peoples hard rubbish collection, slow down to see if theres anything brewing/brewery related.


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## Eater (15/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> unless you?



Spend far more money making it (after equip purchasing and freight) than what it would be to buy it from a commercial brewery, but drink your own brew by preference (even when its a bit off/not right/watery/overcarbed/undercarbed/hopped to the hilt/nowhere near style/or worst of all "cloudy") as it is something that you have created (often with help) and sit back with a contented grin on your face as you do so


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## JonnyAnchovy (15/7/10)

Eater said:


> Spend far more money making it (after equip purchasing and freight) than what it would be to buy it from a commercial brewery... but convince yourself you're actually saving money.



Ftfy.


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## Nick JD (15/7/10)

...have fooled a die-hard commercial beer drinker into thinking your beer was their sacred drop.


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## petesbrew (15/7/10)

MeLoveBeer said:


> drink an infected brew, then wait a week and have another crack (just incase its come good)


And leave it another 6 months, just in case that off flavour goes... which it doesnt.


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## kevo (15/7/10)

warra48 said:


> when you can't walk past almost any shop to see if anything they sell might be handy in some way for your brewery.



HBS, shop, asian groceries, op-shop, council collection piles, dump , Aldi catalogue etc etc etc...


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## thanme (15/7/10)

unless you leave the fermenter tap open on more than one occassion.


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## Pete2501 (15/7/10)

Your mum makes your beer.


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## pb unleaded (15/7/10)

All of the above ...and below

...except the :icon_offtopicffs


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## beerbog (15/7/10)

Pete2501 said:


> Your mum makes your beer.




Your mum drinks your beer! :beerbang:


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## petesbrew (15/7/10)

Pete2501 said:


> Your mum makes your beer.


My mum's a massive teetotaller (alcohol is evil blah blah blah), but she used to make an awesome ginger beer.
From what she told me, she's a veteran in the bottle bomb area! 
I must make that recipe someday, mainly to see if it was alcoholic.


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## Muggus (15/7/10)

...until Bum replies to your thread?


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## fraser_john (15/7/10)

Found it.....plus the panniers and top box had specialty malts as well...95kms from Grain and Grape to home

not real till you have done...


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## glaab (15/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> unless you?



..comment on the head retention when the kids pour a glass of lollywater :huh:


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## DU99 (15/7/10)

your urine sample has a better head on it,than your brew


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## brettprevans (15/7/10)

fraser_john said:


> Found it.....plus the panniers and top box had specialty malts as well...95kms from Grain and Grape to home
> 
> not real till you have done...


Nice! Vstrom?


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## fraser_john (15/7/10)

citymorgue2 said:


> Nice! Vstrom?



Kawasaki GTR 1000


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## goomboogo (15/7/10)

fraser_john said:


> Kawasaki GTR 1000



The bike makes the grain sack look small.


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## Kleiny (15/7/10)

warra48 said:


> when you can't walk past almost any shop to see if anything they sell might be handy in some way for your brewery.



Like a irrigation store with a special on filters  



Gibbo1 said:


> drink an infected brew........ :beerbang:


Or tip a 19l keg of infected brew and shed a tear  

Maybe its when you realize that in the shortest time possible you went from telling your friends you where brewing beer from kits to expanding to a full blown all grain setup and then taking their whole weekend to explain why and how. :lol: 

kleiny


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## Nick JD (15/7/10)

When someone yawns while you're talking about beer and you realise that you're actually really ******* boring to most people who drink to get pissed not to chat about cohumulone and its effect on apparent astringency. Geek.


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## Tony (15/7/10)

.................Reach over a toppling... and almost full cube of IPA at 11pm after 15 beers to grab the handle and prevent the loss of you hard work to the garage floor. Then, after righting the cube and realising about 2 liters of 95 deg wort just ran over your arm and hand, you run to the laundry to cool your fast blistering hand. You look at your wedding ring and think......mmmmmmm if my hand blisters to hell, they will cut that off, so you try and remove it, peeling a large amout of the skin from your finger in the process.

At this point............ you realise the cube is still filling so you abandon cold water and return to the cube......... chuck a towl on the mess, screw on the lid, grab a bottle of scotch and spend the next 2 hours consuming it while dangling said burnt hand under cold water.

2 am wife returns from work and askes WTF HAPPENED?

I made a killer IPA is the answer!


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## Tony (15/7/10)

Oh...... without reading all this thread.... did someone mention the march pump line that was very popular when there were less that 1000 members on here


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## Ducatiboy stu (15/7/10)

Your are not a real brewer untill you rong up the HBS and ask for Rice Gulls.. and try to explain you need rice gulls, not those rice hulls...


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## boobiedazzler (15/7/10)

bum said:


> Annoy the shit out of people?



yes



bum said:


> blame them for your shortcomings an TYPE in all-caps randomly.



YES !



Pete2501 said:


> Your mum makes your beer.





Gibbo1 said:


> Your mum drinks your beer!



Your mum complains about a yeast infection.


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## haysie (15/7/10)

boobiedazzler said:


> yes
> 
> 
> 
> ...





:icon_vomit: 
Here come the mods :lol:


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## Barley Belly (15/7/10)

Until you post the same post over and over and over again


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## Shed101 (15/7/10)

haysie said:


> :icon_vomit:
> Here come the mods :lol:


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## Pennywise (15/7/10)

If you haven't +1'd you aint a brewer


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## chappo1970 (15/7/10)

Homebrewer79 said:


> If you haven't +1'd you aint a brewer




+1 :lol: 

Nah trust me here's a photo of AndrewQld and Batz h34r:


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## DU99 (15/7/10)

if you run out of brew or run out of co2


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## boobiedazzler (15/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> <br /><img src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51StFAOFmvL._SS500_.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" /><br />


<br /><br /><br />

LOLOLOLOL that's a seriously awesome response. Thanks for the chuckle. An early video of the The Who would be my reply. 

You're not a real homebrewer unless you have three fermenters in the bathtub, roughly wiped clean and filled with a heavy dose of napisan. And when the bathroom's been like that for the last 10 days.


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## AndrewQLD (15/7/10)

Chappo said:


> +1 :lol:
> 
> Nah trust me here's a photo of AndrewQld and Batz h34r:



Nice, Batz has very dark hair, hey!


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## boobiedazzler (15/7/10)

AndrewQLD said:


> Nice, Batz has very dark hair, hey!



Down where it matters?


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## Tony (15/7/10)

Ducatiboy stu said:


> Your are not a real brewer untill you rong up the HBS and ask for Rice Gulls.. and try to explain you need rice gulls, not those rice hulls...



I have had a few "DAMN YOU" PM's on that one over the years!

Even got one from a home brew shop owner (cant remember who now) saying he had a laugh at customers asking for Rice Gulls


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## Smashin (15/7/10)

Been part of or organised a bulk buy.... shame on me.


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## Murcluf (15/7/10)

Why bother putting fermenters in the bathtub when you use the bathtub as the fermenter???? When it has finished fermenting don't waste your time bottling or kegging it just scoop out some with the old jam jar. That how real homebrewers do it.




This bought back memories of when I was a kid in the early 80's the bloke next door to my best mates place used to open ferment his brews in plastic 60lt rubbish bins out in his shed. Got to love those crazy dutch...!!!!


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## Smashin (15/7/10)

now thats a classic and +10 from me. love it.

Smashin  



Murcluf said:


> Why bother putting fermenters in the bathtub when you use the bathtub as the fermenter???? When it has finished fermenting don't waste your time bottling or kegging it just scoop out some with the old jam jar. That how real homebrewers do it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## sav (15/7/10)

You stick your nose in ya fermenter to smell the aroma and get head spins of c02. :lol:


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## manticle (15/7/10)

You are not a real homebrewer.

Correct.

I am made of steam.


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## Cocko (15/7/10)

Your non-personilsed car number plates are either: [AND the reason you bought the car]

IBU-045

ABV-052

APA-US5

ENG-504

and so on...


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## Murcluf (15/7/10)

sav said:


> You stick your nose in ya fermenter to smell the aroma and get head spins of c02. :lol:


Get the same results playing dutch ovens...... :lol:


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## jakub76 (15/7/10)

...until you make an arse of yourself calling other brewers cocks


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## boobiedazzler (16/7/10)

jakub76 said:


> ...until you make an arse of yourself calling other brewers cocks



You must be cross referencing this classic post from a couple of days ago --->



bum said:


> Another reason is that Nick is a cock.


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## joebejeckel (16/7/10)

your wife screams at you and your 35 cartons of stash and you just know that the holy grail might be in the next brew , thats why the kettle is boiling.


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## legham (16/7/10)

You've been called a beer snob on more than one occasion. <_<


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## Mitternacht Brauer (16/7/10)

Unless your wife calls you a beer nerd . 

She's just jealous that I have more toys in the brewery than she has in the kitchen.
She's not too keen on the dutch oven game either. It never gets old.


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## yardy (16/7/10)

when 10 out of the 12 hours you spend at work are spent searching for anything stainless..


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## beerbrewer76543 (16/7/10)

...you have a wall of milk crates full of homebrew lining your bedroom wall (apartment brewing!)


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## matho (16/7/10)

yardy said:


> when 10 out of the 12 hours you spend at work are spent searching for anything stainless..



im always looking in the scarp metal bins at work :lol:


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## praxis178 (16/7/10)

matho said:


> im always looking in the scarp metal bins at work :lol:



I love junk yards, at one (in Bundy) I found 20 fire rated 1" three part ball valves from the Bundy Rum distillery, some still with rum in the balls! Bought the lot for $1.5/kg best $100 I ever spent there....

And just to keep it on topic...

If you don't .... dang can't think of anything that hasn't already been said, need a beer to wash down the coffee now. :lol:


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## sim (16/7/10)

...you're forever walking off and forgetting you left a tap on or open.


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## Shed101 (16/7/10)

You just can't bloody wait to try your latest brew


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## ben_sa (16/7/10)

unless... you laughed when they put the price of megaswill up and half your mates had a sook (the other half are converted to homebrew)

unless you have more pint glasses than the pub/coffee mugs and everyone that comes around HAS to drink out of a pint glass... even the kids


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## enoch (16/7/10)

Until you stop tea bagging. 
[Have a March pump had already been done.]


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## bum (16/7/10)

Muggus said:


> ...until Bum replies to your thread?


 

There _must_ be some sort of higher standard than this.


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## Muggus (16/7/10)

bum said:


> There _must_ be some sort of higher standard than this.


...until Bum replies to your thread...several times?


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## warra48 (16/7/10)

It's not a thread until bum replies !!!!!


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## DU99 (16/7/10)

when you sit and wonder why the specific gravity hasn't altered


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## lokpikn (16/7/10)

unless you used your mop to clean the kitchen celing...


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## vic45 (16/7/10)

until your 9yo daughter thinks SWMBO is taking her to the womans clothing store (Brewsters) to get beer stuff for dad.


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## Screwtop (16/7/10)

Until you're fcuking Airlock Hasn't Bubbled !


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## bum (16/7/10)

warra48 said:


> It's not a thread until bum replies !!!!!


 
Seal of disapproval?


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## yardy (16/7/10)

Screwtop said:


> Until you're fcuking Airlock Hasn't Bubbled !




airlock.. what _is_ that ?


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## praxis178 (16/7/10)

yardy said:


> airlock.. what _is_ that ?



Not another name for cling wrap?


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## jakub76 (16/7/10)

...until you blow Friday night surfing AHB


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## Tony (16/7/10)

Screwtop said:


> Until you're fcuking Airlock Hasn't Bubbled !



Easy........ remove the kitten


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## marksfish (16/7/10)

jakub76 said:


> ...until you blow Friday night surfing AHB




and get plastered on homebrew! :icon_drunk:


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## jyo (16/7/10)

Tony said:


> Easy........ remove the kitten


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## Aus_Rider_22 (16/7/10)

until you think about how your beer is fermenting at work.


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## praxis178 (16/7/10)

Aus_Rider_22 said:


> until you think about how your beer is fermenting at work.


You get to brew at work? :lol:


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## jyo (16/7/10)

Until you ring the missus from work to check on the fermenting temp of your beer or to turn your carbonating 'keg gasser thingy' down.


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## Pennywise (16/7/10)

Shed101 said:


> unless you?




Have had the pleasure of reading one of Butters posts :icon_cheers:


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## Mitternacht Brauer (16/7/10)

Until your wife sends you a picture from her phone to work of your hop plant just showing its first sprout. 

And she swore she didn't care ............yeah right!


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## _HOME_BREW_WALLACE_ (17/7/10)

untill, u spend friday night surfing AHB, Drunk on homebrew and posting something stupid and in no way relative to the thread u posted it in. and then spend the rest of the night in the chat section...........


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## matho (17/7/10)

Screwtop said:


> Until you're fcuking Airlock Hasn't Bubbled !




French Connection UK ?

so when is calvin klein bringing out a mash paddle  

cheers steve


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## fraser_john (17/7/10)

Screwtop said:


> Until you're fcuking Airlock Hasn't Bubbled !



Less interested in the above than I am in "No big logo in the right corner anymore, decided

after reading the "how would you change AHB" thread

that I need to be more PC, so deleted it.

Apparently it upset some sooky sensitive pricks"

Tried to find the appropriate post and could not


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## dago001 (17/7/10)

- you've been converted to cling wrap and rubber bands. For your fermenter lid that is :lol:


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## warra48 (17/7/10)

bum said:


> Seal of disapproval?



No, the complete opposite.

It's ADMIRATION. :lol: B)


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## DU99 (17/7/10)

when you forget whats in the keg/bottles


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## DUANNE (17/7/10)

until you invite freinds over to help blow a keg so you have somewere for the next brew to call home.


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## jakub76 (17/7/10)

...until you find yourself thinking about tomorrow's brew mid-shag!


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## Nevalicious (17/7/10)

jakub76 said:


> ...until you find yourself thinking about tomorrow's brew mid-shag!



I'm guilty of this...


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## Yeastie Beastie (17/7/10)

or thinking about the next brew is the reason you are in the mood for a shag.
You finally have it sorted out...


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## vic45 (17/7/10)

you would rather meet Jamil than Gisele


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## Muggus (18/7/10)

vic45 said:


> you would rather meet Jamil than Gisele


Who?
Never heard of this Gisele person...

Jamil on the other hand...


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## brocky_555 (18/7/10)

looking around at work saying to yourself how could this add to the brewery and how can i get it home then getting it home and then asking yourseld how do i add this to the brewery again


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## Fourstar (18/7/10)

Your a real home brewer if you take it like man

Love Fourstar


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## Muggus (18/7/10)

Fourstar said:


> Your a real home brewer if you take it like man
> 
> Love Fourstar


Hmmm...call it my dirty mind, but I took this comment the wrong way........


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## bum (18/7/10)

Fourstar took a laptop to the swap? And left it unsupervised?

Oh yeah, you're not a real brewer until your AHB account has been violated at a case swap.


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## brettprevans (18/7/10)

Until u in desperation juryrig up some electrical contraption capable of killing anyone near it all in the name of brewing, and thinknits all ok untl learhelcorpse shakes his head and adivses you that u shoulld be dead becuase the wiring is so bad!


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## Bribie G (18/7/10)

Until you exit the dunny and forget to wash your hands (like the Seinfeld pizza guy) and then cook brekkie for SWMBO - then religiously wash your hands with dettol handwash as you always do before entering the brew cave.






Then feel really bad about it so decide to take the Mrs up to Maleny on Sunday for a nice brekkie and look round the art shops etc.





Make that the following Sunday as you are doing a double batch of Rice Lager this Sunday

B)


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## Effect (18/7/10)

When you think to yourself 'why the **** would he show me that?' when a mate pops the hood of his car so you can admire the engine...only for him to think the same thing when you show him a pick of your latest beer...


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## Fourstar (18/7/10)

bum said:


> Fourstar took a laptop to the swap? And left it unsupervised?
> 
> Oh yeah, you're not a real brewer until your AHB account has been violated at a case swap.



You are a real homebrewer if you leave yourself logged in to fent's PC whilst at the case swap knowing that the smackdown is going to rain down on your login.

:beerbang:


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## DennisKing (19/7/10)

.......unless your beer has coverted a lager boy to drinking good English ales.


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## bcp (19/7/10)

citymorgue2 said:


> Until u in desperation juryrig up some electrical contraption capable of killing anyone near it all in the name of brewing, and thinknits all ok untl learhelcorpse shakes his head and adivses you that u shoulld be dead becuase the wiring is so bad!



I've finally made it!


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