SergeMarx
Well-Known Member
I was on my second stubbie when I thought, you know I oughta,
get out all my brewing gear and brew that chocolate porter
And so outside I gathered all the bits that i required
to make that silky chocolate joy my tastebuds so desired
It started well enough I guess, the grain went in to mash,
so I cracked another, cranked some tunes and had a one man bash.
An hour gone, I drain the grain and have another beer,
and crank the kettle up to boil, all going well to here
But this stainless steel Vacola urn was on it's maiden run,
and as the temp it slowly climbed I thought, now this is fun.
But fun was somewhat fleeting as the steady climb did stall
on 97.1 degrees, and then began to fall
I lagged the urn in padded foam to help retain the heat
I even stuck the lid half on to halt the temp retreat,
But even with these measures as I looked I thought "Oh great!
The ******* thing won't boil, no, it's stuck at 98!"
Well **** this was a full size brew, i couldn't take inside
and so with sinking heart and head I swallowed up my pride
and dumped in 40 grams of hops to make my brew all bitter,
and hoped to hell the evening's brew wouldn't get much shitter
In misery i watched with gloom the barely simmering wort
then had another beer to numb the ever growing hurt
At forty five I then commenced to add the hops for taste,
and promptly saw my clock again and I slapped my stupid face
It was only thirty minutes since the "simmering" began
not forty five, you stupid prick (i cracked another can)
Alone and cold, and feeling old I kicked a chair and cursed
and prayed this ******* brew night couldn't now get any worse
I got the cocoa in on time, and brewbrite and last hops
when 60 minutes had finally passed I told the urn to stop
and rigged up my pale of water iced and tubes therin to flow
to cool the wort to pitching temp, 20 C or so
Suffice to say it didn't work, the cooling did not come
(and of course I'd splashed the wort to the fermenter from the tun)
And as I took the temp therin I sat with shaky knees
I'd cooled it down, yes I had, to 65 degrees
By now my body hurt with numb of broken brewing pride
So I put on the lid, and airlock too and stuck the thing inside
and you know what happens when you put a lid on something hot?
it sucks in air from outside, because ******* thermodynamics or some other bullshit
And so the airlock full of starsan got fully sucked within
(an ingredient essential for a competition win?)
and there I left it overnight, to let the heat disperse
and crawled to bed only for the evening to get worse.
The baby, nearly one year old began to scream and wail,
and every sob I echoed as I reviewed my brew night fail
I checked the brew this morning and it's still too warm to pitch
sometimes chaps, this hobby, well, it can be a ******* bitch.
get out all my brewing gear and brew that chocolate porter
And so outside I gathered all the bits that i required
to make that silky chocolate joy my tastebuds so desired
It started well enough I guess, the grain went in to mash,
so I cracked another, cranked some tunes and had a one man bash.
An hour gone, I drain the grain and have another beer,
and crank the kettle up to boil, all going well to here
But this stainless steel Vacola urn was on it's maiden run,
and as the temp it slowly climbed I thought, now this is fun.
But fun was somewhat fleeting as the steady climb did stall
on 97.1 degrees, and then began to fall
I lagged the urn in padded foam to help retain the heat
I even stuck the lid half on to halt the temp retreat,
But even with these measures as I looked I thought "Oh great!
The ******* thing won't boil, no, it's stuck at 98!"
Well **** this was a full size brew, i couldn't take inside
and so with sinking heart and head I swallowed up my pride
and dumped in 40 grams of hops to make my brew all bitter,
and hoped to hell the evening's brew wouldn't get much shitter
In misery i watched with gloom the barely simmering wort
then had another beer to numb the ever growing hurt
At forty five I then commenced to add the hops for taste,
and promptly saw my clock again and I slapped my stupid face
It was only thirty minutes since the "simmering" began
not forty five, you stupid prick (i cracked another can)
Alone and cold, and feeling old I kicked a chair and cursed
and prayed this ******* brew night couldn't now get any worse
I got the cocoa in on time, and brewbrite and last hops
when 60 minutes had finally passed I told the urn to stop
and rigged up my pale of water iced and tubes therin to flow
to cool the wort to pitching temp, 20 C or so
Suffice to say it didn't work, the cooling did not come
(and of course I'd splashed the wort to the fermenter from the tun)
And as I took the temp therin I sat with shaky knees
I'd cooled it down, yes I had, to 65 degrees
By now my body hurt with numb of broken brewing pride
So I put on the lid, and airlock too and stuck the thing inside
and you know what happens when you put a lid on something hot?
it sucks in air from outside, because ******* thermodynamics or some other bullshit
And so the airlock full of starsan got fully sucked within
(an ingredient essential for a competition win?)
and there I left it overnight, to let the heat disperse
and crawled to bed only for the evening to get worse.
The baby, nearly one year old began to scream and wail,
and every sob I echoed as I reviewed my brew night fail
I checked the brew this morning and it's still too warm to pitch
sometimes chaps, this hobby, well, it can be a ******* bitch.
