Eloping - Do We Tell Our Parents?

[komodo]

So my partner (Kelly) and I decided whilst in Tassie earlier this year that we would like to elope to europe and get married in italy next year (2010).
We decided that we really arent the formal wedding type, both of us would much rather have a nice big holiday to europe than paying for a wedding.
We decided that we wouldnt tell our parents and we would only tell a couple of freinds who we would need to use to help organise it that we could trust wouldnt tell anyone.
The reason we dont want to tell our parents is because we both felt that if our parents knew they would want to be involved and would want to come over for the wedding - something we really dont want. We just want a nice quiet wedding no fuss (part of the reason we chose italy was because its one of the easiest places in Europe to get married). A quiet ceremony with the two of us (and the witnesses) and then out to a quiet dinner.

BUT one of the people Kel told was a girlfreind who works for kels parents. She was telling Kels mum how she is planning to elope for her second marriage. Then Kels mum turned around and told her how shattered she would be if she wasnt involved in her only daughters wedding.
So now Kel is having second thoughts about not telling our parents. My parents wouldnt really be bothered too much - they'd justy be excited that we got married and did what we wanted and that we got to europe!

So what should we do, Should we tell our parents?
If so when should we tell them (we've booked our flights for march)?
What if they want to be involved - how do we tell them that we dont want them involved

 

[WarmBeer]

... we wouldnt tell our parents and we would only tell a couple of freinds ... that we could trust...

And you're posting this on an Internet forum.

The irony is delicious

 

[MarkBastard]

I was sort of in the same boat for a while but I ended up having a wedding in Australia.

My Wife doesn't get along with her parents, she hates them in fact, so she really hated the idea of having anything to do with them. She's only seen them twice in the last 5 or so years in fact.

My parents were acting a bit weird when they found out we were engaged. They didn't offer to throw an engagement party or anything and for our engagement present my mum gave us some myer gift vouchers that she just had laying around in a draw, I think they were a gift to her even. Basically we felt like no one gave a crap about our wedding so we would just go an elope by ourselves.

The wedding ended up being better than I could possibly imagine. Both sides of the family there. It was expensive and all that but I really will remember it forever. I think eloping still would have been fun because in some ways there's something nice about a wedding really only being about the bride and groom, ie it's really a personal matter between them only if you think about it.

My two cents: I think you should only not tell them if you or your wife to be specifically don't like them and aren't even fussed when they're inevitably offended. Otherwise I would try to include them and be up front with them about it all. Tell them you're eloping but that you just want it to be you guys only and not a big deal. If they still want to do something you could have an after honeymoon celebration which could just be a low key dinner with both families or a larger function, but without all the usual pretence.

My wedding was not traditional at all other than the dress my wife wore and all that stuff. It was about a 10 minute ceremony at the beach and what I refer to as an 'after party' rather than a reception, at a restaurant above a pub. No allocated seating, no schedule, just food and drink and a few impromptu speeches when or if people felt like it.

 

[WarmBeer]

Seriously though.

As a parent, I would be totally devastated if either of my kids didn't want to include me in what is one of the most important days of their lives (although I have over 13 years until either of them is legally allowed to be married, phew).

I reckon do a small ceremony at home, mostly for the benefits of the in-laws, then head off to Europe to party together. You might even convince the in-laws to pay for some of it :beerbang:

 

[MarkBastard]

That's the other thing, ended up financially better off by having the wedding as family contributions paid for the wedding itself and there was probably a bit left over for the honeymoon (I'm not sure exactly because SWMBO was buying wedding related stuff years before we got married, who knows how much it all ended up being, a bit like my homebrew gear)

 

[brettprevans]

telling people kinda defeats the purpose/description of eloping.


If you want a quiet affair,
Option 1.
go OS send a few invites to close family friends saying 'love you to come to italia but understand if you cant come'. that way onyl people who really love/care about you will be there. have a small ceremony. done.

Option 2.
eleope. come back married and then have a party in honour of the wedding (read big piss up with family and fiends, whilst being very relaxed. no formal stuff).

Option 3.
have a wedding here and only invite people you want. When my missus and I got married we invited opeople we wanted and no one else. screw people who 'you should invite'. peopl in the family we didnt like/get a long with didnt get an invite simple. i dont know why people give a toss about others who dont care about them. screw them i say.

now if you do skip the country and get married OS, your going to have to make sure you marriage is legal back in Aust etc. I'd personally get married here on the quiet, so any admin stuff (like change of name or passports or whatever), then piss off OS.

my 2cents. congrats on the upcoming wedding.

Oh and make sure you've got plenty of brews made and waiting for you when you return :icon_cheers:

 

[MVZOOM]

Seriously though.

As a parent, I would be totally devastated if either of my kids didn't want to include me in what is one of the most important days of their lives (although I have over 13 years until either of them is legally allowed to be married, phew).

I reckon do a small ceremony at home, mostly for the benefits of the in-laws, then head off to Europe to party together. You might even convince the in-laws to pay for some of it :beerbang:

x2. My folks would have been devistated if we'd not told them - it's respectful etc etc. Go to them, explain what you want to do and give them the oppurtunity to create a win-win scenario.

Cheers -Mike

 

[komodo]

Haha thanks warmbeer I did think about that and thats why I posted it on this forum cause I dont think I know any of you guys in real life yet. Any other forums I'm on I know a few people in real life - including on a few forums Kels ex (long story...)

One reason for eloping is because neither of us are particularly fond of her parents. Although she deals with them better than I do because they are her family - I personally couldnt give a rats arse if i didnt see them ever again, particularly her old man and her brother - both chauvinistic arseholes. They've ripped her off financially (they used to employ her). Then on the other hand they sit there and give her bother financial hand outs (Kel used to do their book keeping when they employed her and before she left the total hand outs to her brother was up about $85,000) because he is unemployed and doesnt feel that he should get another job because he is trying to start his own business - mean while they pay for his mortgage and renovations and living expences.
Unfortunately shes more compassionate / forgiving than I am. Or maybe I'm just a prick. Either way I tollerate them as best I can - and thats not particularly well.

To put things in perspective - Kel left home and moved in with her ex when she was 18 because she couldnt stand her dad. She used to visit them once every 6 or so weeks for a couple of hours on a sunday. Then she went to work for them and as such had to move in with them for for a short period of time. She lasted 6 months living with them and less than 2 years working for them because her parents pissed her off so much (part of that was also financial reasons - they we're underpaying her significantly).

One reason I dont want to tell our parents is because if they did want to come - well realistically my parents couldnt because dad and I run a business together and It just wouldnt work without either of us there. As it is we cant even get one day off together to head away and go fishing together like we used to and if my parents cant be there I REALLY dont want her parents there.

The plan is to go over there, get married (yeah getting married in Italy is recognised here - its just one form to fill out to get the transfer which we already have) have a nice quiet ceremony that is very "us", send flowers to both of our parents and and note to everyone to say that we got married and we will see everyone when we get back. Then when we get back have a big pissup / "reception" / celebration party.

As for finances for the wedding - well yeah getting married OS will come out of our sky rocket but thats something we've known the whole time. My parents are likely to give us a financial gift after we get married - its just the kind of thing they do.

 

[raven19]

We had a similar conundrum, and decided to tell our parents but not our siblings!

And I still hear about it every now and then from family... It does not bother me, but I think SWMBO now thinks we should have told everyone.

2c only...

 

[Thirsty Boy]

combine Citymorgue's option 1 & 2

Tell em - invite em - and be sympathetic but firm when they are upset about it. If they care enough to actually make the trip... well they probably care enough so you wont be too upset that they are there. Don't re-arrange your plans though - they have to fit in with your schedule.

"This is our day - this is what we want" don't compromise. Its bound to piss someone off, if its really what you want then you just have to cop that.

Then have a party when you get back - something relaxed. Let the parents make a speech etc.

We got married in Vegas and hired out a pub for an all in Family & Friends shindig about 2 months after we got back from the month in America & Europe.

With a little pre-arrangement, you might be able to webcast the ceremony. Then people can still sort of get to come to the wedding, and even organise their own little get together at home as an "on the day" celebration.

Good luck whichever route you choose to go down

Oh -- and congratulations!

TB

 

[komodo]

Thanks guys. When Kelly gets home I'll discuss it more with her. But at this stage im thinking we will tell both lot of parents - but a lot closer to the date.

 

[raven19]

With a little pre-arrangement, you might be able to webcast the ceremony. Then people can still sort of get to come to the wedding, and even organise their own little get together at home as an "on the day" celebration.

That reminds me of some other friends whom got married (in the desert outside of Vegas), and they rocked up to the Adelaide Wedding in full attire, then stood together and someone hit play on the video. We all watched their pre-recorded marraige from a month ago. Then we got on the beers!

We thought it was fine as we had done similar... not sure if all the others were keen on it...

TB makes a sound proposal (no puns intended). :icon_cheers:

 

[manticle]

Asking for personal advice on the internet is like shitting in a shoebox and hoping something nice grows.

No offence but you really need to make the decision yourselves. No-on here knows the situation, the people, the history or the emotions involved and seeking internet strangers' advice will only lead to further confusion. Do what feels right to you (or bugger right and do what you want).

Feel free to ignore my advice.

 

[O'Henry]

Asking for personal advice on the internet is like shitting in a shoebox and hoping something nice grows.

No offence but you really need to make the decision yourselves. No-on here knows the situation, the people, the history or the emotions involved and seeking internet strangers' advice will only lead to further confusion. Do what feels right to you (or bugger right and do what you want).

Feel free to ignore my advice.

Best internet advice... ever.

 

[komodo]

Not quite. Its good to get oppions from a bigger pond. This forum has people of varying ages at various stages of life. Some of us just looking to get married, some with youngsters, some with kids who are married themselves etc. Therefore a broad pool of opinions and why/how it would affect them/those around them if they or someone close to them did similar.

Realistically who knows whos situation? I dunno about you but I've always played my cards pretty close to my chest - what people need to know they'll find out, other wise whats my business is my business and no one elses.
Therefore whats the difference between asking a question like this in an (semi) annonymous environment Vs asking a work college or similar who realistically might know SFA or only one facade of my life/background/situation? (asside from the fact that I work in a family business and I cant really discuss it with a work college if I do decide to keep it quiet from my parents)

Now if I ask a freind I'm most likely going to be asking someone who is of similar age & life experiances. Therefore obtaining an opinion whice is more likely to be similar to my own. (which is what has happened so far with those we've spoken to about it).

Thus getting an opinion which is unbiased by emotion/history etc from a "complete" stranger is sometimes not a bad option.

 

[mxd]

my wife and I eloped (37 and 32) to the cook islands the parents suspected, no one (with the exception of my niece who wanted to be a flower girl) were upset.

 

[Josh]

I'm divorced. But my wedding night, with all my friends and family was one of the best nights of my life. We just did it at the local bowling club for a pretty good deal.

You could either get married here and do that, or go overseas and then come back and party with everyone. Either way, have a night with your friends to celebrate.

If it were me, and the relationship with her parents was as I read it, I'd go overseas and just tell em when I got home.

 

[justsomeguy]

We told our parents the night before we flew out.

The only reason we did was that we were giving my parents a full itinerary with hotels, booking info and a pile of contact info in case any travel documents got lost. My parents were upset for about 2 seconds then were totally wrapped that we were going to do what we wanted and how we wanted.

SWMBO's old lady was pissed off. Her father was wrapped.

We had two main reasons for heading OS and not telling anyone until the last moment. Financially we couldn't afford the whole wedding thing with 'all of those people who expected that they should be invited' so the money was spent on our honeymoon. Secondly if SWMBO's mother was involved she would have expected for all of HER friends who we don't know to have been invited, and if she had contributed financially, then she would have expected to have a say in what happens. The wedding is supposed to be 'our' day and not someone elses.

In the end we went to the US and got married in Las Vegas. SWMBO organised everything over the net and it cost us around $200AU even with the bad exchange rate that that time. Had a great dinner at a restaurant (no need to clean up) and finished the night by seeing a concert at one of the big hotels there. We had a great time and will always remember the fun we had that day.