I've started brewing 12L BIAB batches, which means I've run out of excuses for keeping this stuff around. This is probably a good thing, because I was never that comfortable being the guardian of the very gear used by Sauron to craft the 19 Ales of Power. Choirs in your head, running narrative by Cate Blanchett when you hang out the washing, Gandalf calling every other day - 'is it secret? is is safe?' - that sort of thing.
Rubbermaid 10 gallon cooler. This smelting vessel is in fact made from solid gold, and merely looks like orange plastic because it is tainted with Sauron's fëa - pure evil that dripped from his cut hand as he forged this well of souls. The original dwarven plastic tap is lost to the ages. Only a ball valve, marked with the black speech of Mordor (which I shall not utter here) remains, together with sundry washers.
Stainless steel false bottom. I say stainless steel because I dare not catch the gaze of His Lidless Eye, but it's actually made from mithril, mined by the Dwarves in the deep mines of Khazad-dûm. Like all folks, you desire it. Its beauty will not tarnish or grow dim. It conveniently fits the Rubbermaid cooler. You'll need some threaded pipe and a bit of plastic hose to connect the two. No, I don't know where it is. I have misplaced my palantír. You might say that it is not accounted for.
Copper wort chiller. Untouched by mortal hands, this spiral artefact once quenched the very fires of Orodruin. Gaze not into its reflection, for there lies madness. Lays madness? No, lies. Yes, that sounds right.
50L keg boiler. More mithril. It was on sale. What blade hew the top from this mysterious vessel? Mithril's eternal might is evident in the slightly crooked job, that's all I can say. As the elves have no beards, so this boiler has no tap. Put one in, use some tube to siphon, or pick it up and tip it in like a real Man of Gondor. What are you, some hobbit's little girl? To be clear, it's free with the other gear. I don't own it. It came to me. My preciousssss.
Corny keg. Can't remember if 19 or 21L. You'll need to kill this with fire, as it's been used to store the foul ale of Mordor, known among men as 'gueze'. It seems to hold a seal because I made the mistake of opening the release valve. Horrors emanated from therein, a spectral army that even now is hogging my Playstation 3. No, glowing green ones, I haven't bought Shadow of Mordor yet. Please stop asking.
Gas ring. This is also free with the other gear. I dare not sell it. It worked the last time I used it, but today? It could summon Balrogs for all I know. When it erupts and levels the Shire, don't come crying to me, for you were warned. Forewarned, you were. Warnings, everywhere.
How much for this eldritch gear? I dunno - $200 the lot? Pick up in Canberra. If you're an arts student and don't have a car I guess I could deliver.
Rubbermaid 10 gallon cooler. This smelting vessel is in fact made from solid gold, and merely looks like orange plastic because it is tainted with Sauron's fëa - pure evil that dripped from his cut hand as he forged this well of souls. The original dwarven plastic tap is lost to the ages. Only a ball valve, marked with the black speech of Mordor (which I shall not utter here) remains, together with sundry washers.
Stainless steel false bottom. I say stainless steel because I dare not catch the gaze of His Lidless Eye, but it's actually made from mithril, mined by the Dwarves in the deep mines of Khazad-dûm. Like all folks, you desire it. Its beauty will not tarnish or grow dim. It conveniently fits the Rubbermaid cooler. You'll need some threaded pipe and a bit of plastic hose to connect the two. No, I don't know where it is. I have misplaced my palantír. You might say that it is not accounted for.
Copper wort chiller. Untouched by mortal hands, this spiral artefact once quenched the very fires of Orodruin. Gaze not into its reflection, for there lies madness. Lays madness? No, lies. Yes, that sounds right.
50L keg boiler. More mithril. It was on sale. What blade hew the top from this mysterious vessel? Mithril's eternal might is evident in the slightly crooked job, that's all I can say. As the elves have no beards, so this boiler has no tap. Put one in, use some tube to siphon, or pick it up and tip it in like a real Man of Gondor. What are you, some hobbit's little girl? To be clear, it's free with the other gear. I don't own it. It came to me. My preciousssss.
Corny keg. Can't remember if 19 or 21L. You'll need to kill this with fire, as it's been used to store the foul ale of Mordor, known among men as 'gueze'. It seems to hold a seal because I made the mistake of opening the release valve. Horrors emanated from therein, a spectral army that even now is hogging my Playstation 3. No, glowing green ones, I haven't bought Shadow of Mordor yet. Please stop asking.
Gas ring. This is also free with the other gear. I dare not sell it. It worked the last time I used it, but today? It could summon Balrogs for all I know. When it erupts and levels the Shire, don't come crying to me, for you were warned. Forewarned, you were. Warnings, everywhere.
How much for this eldritch gear? I dunno - $200 the lot? Pick up in Canberra. If you're an arts student and don't have a car I guess I could deliver.
. Imported in the mid-2000s together with the false bottom - can't remember the original supplier - Listermann, maybe, or Morebeer? I do remember it was bloody expensive.
