Chuck Norris

[Jye]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "more humane".

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norrismore than meets the eye, Chuck Norrisrobot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drugdealing Decepticons and could turn into a pickup. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "*******."

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

 

[Stagger]

Jye

YOU HAVE TO MUCH TIME ON YOU HANDS

Very funny

 

[BennyBrewster]

Been reading these in emails all week hahah they are the best

 

[Arkwrights]

More Chuck Facts


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?”

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea- bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live
ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't
do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse
kicked him in the face.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris
plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light
Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick
to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists
turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza
.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a
baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris-robot in disguise," and starred
Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single, however, so it was divided.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck
twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone
at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street,
and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin
Diesel.

Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of
pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and
Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea
soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, "The name
is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally anniliated all three of them. The pea soup
tasted especially good that night.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was
10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing
profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.

Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the
Force.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
8th wonder of the natural world.

Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band,
and a pinecone.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When
Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the
face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris can't eat while standing upright.

Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won.

Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.


One drop of Chuck Norris' sweat can cure you of anything, even death.

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in
twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft
landed in soil by tasting it.

Chuck Norris's heart beats once every full moon.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.


Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independance, The Bill Of Rights,
and the Constitution while plundering a poor asian village.

The movie "The Ring" is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't
find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he
stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct
species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your
ass and take your dollar.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex
with 3 women.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have
seen in your entire life.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

Ecstacy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture
found only the skull of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

Chuck Norris put the 'k' in 'hardkore.'

Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old
people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.


In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in
the ozone layer.

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced
him to say, "The name's Norris; Chuck Norris."

 

[Tim]

some Mr t Vs Chuck

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

When he found out he would lose the rematch while making Rocky III, Mr. T
administered to Sylvester Stallone an angry look. Seeing Mr. T's anger broke
every bone in Sly's face, left him mildly retarded and unable to remember the
incident. To this day, Sly has no idea why he shits his pants at the mere sight
of a black man with a mohawk.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his
arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always
understood.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in
the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink
polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that
Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you
to read this sentence.

A break in the space-time continuum occurred on July 9th, 1986. Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked a guy into Mr. T while he was pitying some fool. Mr. T and
Chuck Norris had words (better known as jibba jabba). Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked Mr. T at the exact moment Mr. T punched him in the chest. The result was
an alternate universe where Mr. T roundhouse kicks people and Chuck Norris
pities fools.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created
Pity.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path.
Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shitted itself and created
Scotland.

Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.

Mr. T once went to Boston. We refer to this event as the Boston Massacre.

On the A-team, Face , Hannibal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T
didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and
realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at
Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the
concept of infinity.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the
show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with
the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T pities the fool who doesn't pity the fool, thus creating a neverending
loop of pity and pain.

Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality,
their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of
shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify
anyway.

Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Mr. T does not have to kick the crap out of you, crap runs out of your ass in
fright when you come into contact with Mr. T.

Mr. T personifies pity. Should there be no fools, there would be no Mr. T.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by
getting on a bus....all Caucasian people moved to the back.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around
to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

 

[lunanick]

Chuck Norris ferments lagers at ale temperatures.

 

[Kramer]

Chuck Norris ferments lagers at ale temperatures.

[post="97348"][/post]​

Too Funny!

 

[lunanick]

Chuck Norris doesn't bother with double bocks. At a minimum, he insists all his bocks should be at least quadrupled.

Chuck Norris put the "hell" into "helles".

Chuck Norris once met Chuck Hahn. Unfortunately for the brewer, Mr Norris had once tasted "Ice". For bringing great shame to the name "Chuck", Mr Norris roundhouse-kicked Hahn so hard he became a dribbling bumbling idiot. Hahn "Light" followed shortly after. The fearsome blow also permanently destroyed Hahn's sense of taste. Every year on the anniversary of the incident, he sends Mr Norris a thank-you card.

 

[neonmeate]

chuck norris once chucked up on my doormat. i gave him 30 seconds to hit the ricky road.

 

[Jye]

More Chuck Norris facts.

 

[spog]

chuck norris,derryn hinch and all bran all have one thing in common

 

[lunanick]

The average man is 60% water. Not Chuck Norris - he is 99% Roundhouse Kick. The remaining 1% is almost entirely acting ability.

 

[bighanno]

Chuck Norris has constantly beat nobody after nobody.........to be the man ya gotta beat the man whoooooooooooooooo!

 

[Whistlingjack]

Chuck Norris eats malt, hops and yeast and his urine is enjoyed by millions.