Things I learned from watching action movies

[Bribie G]

When escaping from cops, henchmen etc, I always run up the staircase to the roof.

A wound to the shoulder from a semi automatic machine gun is trivial, holding a pad there for five minutes allows speedy recovery and enables me to resume normal activities.

I can easily survive up to a 50 metre fall onto concrete, even further if the fall in interrupted by falling through a glass roof.

Whilst a good idea for the future, the computer mouse has not yet been invented and all urgent computer work has to be accomplished by furious typing.

50 Henchmen are always trained to direct machine gun fire at the dirt around my feet, invariably missing me.

In return I can easily dispatches the 50 henchmen with a revolver that, as we all know, can fire 60 consecutive shots.

When the action shoot-out takes place in the rusted out, long abandoned factory or quarry, the lights are always still switched on.

At 68 I have the pick of any woman from 18 to 39.

I must be careful around CCTV or Satellite surveillance systems as the CIA team leader can order "enhance"... "enhance again".... to reveal my characteristic birth mark behind my right ear.


continuing...........................?

 

[manticle]

Stuff has a tendency to explode very easily but neither my hearing nor my skin should suffer any harm.

 

[Dave70]

I suffer subcutaneous or intramuscular gunshot wounds only, generally in the fleshy part of my non dominant upper arm. This is immediately prompts me to grimace defiantly and return fire, striking the henchman in the chest and by some quirk of newtons third law, launching him off his feet and through a glass door / window - over the rail of a gantry walk way (landing in a pile of cardboard boxes) - into a body of water.

 

[Bribie G]

Windows of all public transport, particulary Metro and Underground trains, can be easily shattered into thousands of small harmless crystal bits using only the fist or boot, enabling me to leap on board.

When pursuing a car on foot, I can very easily apprehend it because there is always a nearby overbridge that I can get to quickly before the car reaches the expressway. This enables me to leap onto the roof of the speeding car ( see the earlier 50 metre jump rule).

This tactic also enables me to leap effortlessly onto the roofs of express trains.

 

[droid]

I like to practice my stunt driving skids, leaving the signs from previous attempts for all to see

 

[Mardoo]

Wherever you go, there you are.

 

[Stouter]

A carefully planned montage sequence showing the previous week of my training elevates me from a skinny weak introverted geek whom has no fighting experience, to an Alpha male, muscle bound, cage fighting champion, capable of taking hits that would kill mere mortals, able to sweet talk any female scoring over level 9 on the 'rootability scale'.

For the record I tried this last week and only got to level 3 on the 'rootability scale', and that was my own score, averaged out from respondents willing to take the "questionaire".

 

[pcmfisher]

I only run out of ammo when there is only one or two of the badies to go, which are always the worst of the badies.

There is always a bar or chain handy to dispatch them with until I remember I am a martial arts expert.

But wait, so are they. But I am better.

One that you killed earlier comes back to life just when you think its all over, but never mind the damsel in distress that has kept on falling over at critical moments whilst you are running saves your ass by stabbing them in the eye with a fire poker.

 

[warra48]

You learn to blow up cars sky high while leaving them totally intact.
You can also achieve this with just one bullet, even if your aim is slightly off.
After all, they must be used over and over in different shots and movies.
They never look like the ones those silly IS and other silly suicide bombers leave behind in 5000 bits.
If they are to be finally destroyed, you make the baddies run off a cliff, and you use ESP to blow it up in mid air before impact with anything solid.

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Bruce lee can fight for an eternity

 

[Dave70]

I finish each sentence with a threat / catchphrase or one liner.

 

[micbrew]

My stock 4 cylinder sounds like a V8 supercharged , nitro monster ..
Screeching wheelies
Without excellerating
WoW

 

[manticle]

Bruce lee can fight for an eternity

He's still alive in my ufc game

 

[tugger]

There will always be a chopper to get to.

 

[Bribie G]

When driving my BMW (stolen) car through Berlin, Paris or Naples at 150 KPH I often have to drive on the footpath through restaurant districts and along streetside arcades while the master villain drives parallel to me on the roadway exchanging shots.
The ethics of this does not concern me as the diners / pedestrians / strollers always manage to jump out of my way in time.

I have a "go faster lever" in my BMW that I am shown as pulling to the rear when required, thus giving me greater acceleration and speed.

 

[Dave70]

My stock 4 cylinder sounds like a V8 supercharged , nitro monster ..
Screeching wheelies
Without excellerating
WoW

And every bike sounds like a race shifted 250cc two stroke.
With a 75 speed gearbox. Perhaps you've noticed?

 

[Robbo2234]

I don't look back at explosions. I just keep walking in slo mo!

 

[TheWiggman]

When engaging in a car chase, the chasing car will always have enough speed to catch the leading car but once caught, both cars will have the same speed.

Motorbikes will always be able to change up a gear despite the subsequent number of shifts.

Explosions are never concussive, things will only ever go up in flames like they are fuelled.

 

[malt and barley blues]

The ethics of this does not concern me as the diners / pedestrians / strollers always manage to jump out of my way in time.

As do the chickens when the stagecoach comes in.

 

[Mattress]

A prerequisite for coming up with brilliant plans, performing amazing physical feats and saving the lives of everyone around you is that you must be incredibly good looking.

Ugly people are only to be used as cannon fodder.