RU OK

[DU99]

whole thing is some tend to put up a front,tell you everything is going well.then there not there.what the suicide does to the family and friends afterwards

 

[Dave70]

It's ******, it really is. Not to mention those coming back from overseas armed forces duty who are doing the same thing at a rate of knots...while ******* pricks in Canberra sit on their hands and run the poor *******s around in circles in the full knowledge that the frustration will kill them to save a few dollars.

Still, the economy survives, and that's all that matters.

And this is why it really does matter to ask...a number of years bacl I was due to catch up with a mate when he got back from Sth Oz. The thought came to mind to give him a yell to say g'day, but I dismissed it. This happened 3 or 4 times, and in the end I just went "nah, I'll catch him saturday" as I worked with him in a bar. Friday morning I get the call from my boss that my mate taken his own life. Dion't EVER dismiss that nagging thought. You never know how important it may be.

You needn't go to the bother of international deployment to get ****** by the ADF and its attendant bureaucracy. A close family member not long back from a stint in east Timor was on training exercises and suffered an accident (not his fault, and a direct result of incorrect operating procedure) that led to his dismissal from active service. Fast forward a roughly a month after and he found himself standing outside the hospital on crutches with one third less of his right foot than he began with, waiting for a cab. He loved his work and life in the service afforded him the stability he never had growing up.
If this happened in the civilian world, the likes of Workcover would be jerking themselves into a lather, but in the armed services? To bad son, you on your own.
The indifference shown to his mental and physical re adjustment by the ADF was appalling, not to mention the hoops that needed jumping through to get compensation.

This was a few years back and thankfully all has worked out for the best, wife, baby son and house etc, but for a while there things were bleak to say the least.
As he relayed to me at the time - a month ago I seeing the world, helping the locals and basically living boys own adventure with my mates, now I'm a disabled bloke sitting alone in flat staring out the window wondering what the **** to do next.

 

[Weizguy]

Not OK here, but relatively OK with that fact, as I see it could be much worse, and no point complaining to people who can't really do much.

I remember a woman I used to work with (now retired, not deceased), who used to tell me "I'm FINE. That's F.I.N.E = F'd up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional." Great perspective, if you can laugh about things.

 

[Grott]

And remember how terrible our Vietnam veterans were treated on their return, some of them are still suffering today, how sad is that.

 

[yankinoz]

M I OK? I'll forward the results of my urinalysis to anyone who gives a crap.

Oh well, R U OK is better than that "Have a good one" that seems to be spreading faster than Zika. I want to answer, "A good what?" but chicken out.

 

[wide eyed and legless]

That's true Spog, and thanks, but the kicker is that sometimes you can find yourself in that headspace and it's damn near too late. Thjat's where we need to be listening to our mates, and when we hear or see that one little sign that something might not be right...we can't be too afraid or self conscious to ask the question. Not just RU OK, but sometimes "Mate, what's going on"/"Is something going on"?

I think a lot of people, myself included tend to measure other peoples tolerances against their own, last week I was sitting in the oncology dept at Peter Mac and a young woman about 25 yrs of age was hyperventilating and trying not to cry, I had seen her before and thought she was holding up OK. She was obviously on Chemo (no hair) and I know from experience that Chemo is just as bad if not worse than having cancer. I really did want to go over and offer her some reassurance, I know I am not the most sympathetic person in the world but was stumped for not knowing what reassurances I could give her, what could I say.
In the end I went over and gave her a Codral throat lozenge and made out I thought she had a cold and that was why she was sniffling, I just let her tell me what the problem was, and it was the effects of the Chemo making her feel like ****, as I could relate to that I think it gave her some assurance going over the issues with someone who knows.

 

[Dave70]

I think a lot of people, myself included tend to measure other peoples tolerances against their own, last week I was sitting in the oncology dept at Peter Mac and a young woman about 25 yrs of age was hyperventilating and trying not to cry, I had seen her before and thought she was holding up OK. She was obviously on Chemo (no hair) and I know from experience that Chemo is just as bad if not worse than having cancer. I really did want to go over and offer her some reassurance, I know I am not the most sympathetic person in the world but was stumped for not knowing what reassurances I could give her, what could I say.
In the end I went over and gave her a Codral throat lozenge and made out I thought she had a cold and that was why she was sniffling, I just let her tell me what the problem was, and it was the effects of the Chemo making her feel like ****, as I could relate to that I think it gave her some assurance going over the issues with someone who knows.

Are you out of the woods yourself?

 

[Weizguy]

Was conversing with a young woman at my work yesterday. Her entire team are non-ongoing employees, which means that they have a limited contract at my Call centre.
She came to work, with a fresh dose of flu, for a team meeting with the office manager about their contract end date, and possible extension at the site.

All were advised that they now have a fixed end date on the contract and a new contract will not be offered after mid October. After that news, she decided not to go home with her illness (despite sick leave entitlement), but to stay at work and try to impress the employer who may be offering casual contracts at some stage.

Many in her team, herself included, have financial commitments that need to be serviced after the contract ends.
I assume some bought reliable cars that they use to get to work and such. Others have mortgages to services and children to look after.
I had no solace to offer her, no options, apart from a sympathetic ear and my empathy (as I have worked for this same mob for very close to 25 yrs now).

 

[wide eyed and legless]

No Dave, still having to go for a scan every 6 weeks and immunotherapy every 3 weeks but they said that it was now almost immeasurable had a colonoscopy after the oncologist telling me that as far as they know the only cancer it doesn't work on is bowel cancer and I had the same gastroenterologist as I had 2 years ago, he almost begged me to allow him to have a look in my stomach I told him I wasn't keen as he might scratch it but he was insistent so I relinquished on the proviso that he puts the camera down my throat first.
Couldn't wait for me to wake up to tell me it was a miracle, I thought he was going to drop to his knees at the side of the trolley and give praise to the lord, bit different to last time when he tried to avoid me, and didn't even tell me that I had a huge tumor.
When I see the oncologist I will get the new photo he took, and post as a before and after shot.

 

[Airgead]

My next door neighbour once removed worked for years in corrective services. First as a prison guard then when that got too much, as parole officer.

Was invalided out a few years back with massive depression and PTSD. The department has been screwing him over ever since. Won't give him his payout until he is assessed as being permanently disabled, won't do the assessment "until his situation improves". In the mean time it's short term, month by month payouts and constant reviews, the stress of which has seen him in the secure, psych ward on more than a few occasions. Not easy on his missus and kids (or on him for that matter).

If only someone has asked 10 years ago if he was ok...

The odd load of fresh produce from the garden works wonders. Would send beer down his way but it's not good with his meds...

 

[Mardoo]

And sometimes you can watch the crash in slow motion, trying as you might, with all your might, and it makes no difference. It was clear for well over a year that some things were going seriously wrong with my BIL. I tried, lots did, but in the end the combination of ice and mental instability led him to seek a horrible end.

Edit: My point is not to say don't try. I had other friends who were in very bad ways who said talking with someone helped them decide to keep going. Absolutely try.

My point is that its not your fault if they do it. Sometimes all the help in the world will fall on deaf ears. Doesn't break your heart any less though, knowing you tried. 13 months after my BIL's suicide it's only just starting to seem real, and some days that comes screaming home, no doubt about it.

 

[madpierre06]

For those left behind, the aftermath is truly gut wrenching. I will say however, one of the finest things I have seen done was at my mate's funeral. His brother got up and spoke about why we were there, that Darren had made the choice he did, and truly spoke well of him and what a wonderful bloke he was. By doing this, the brother basically gave everyone permission to speak openly and freely at the wake, it was an incredible atmosphere, full of actual positiveness alongside the obvious sadness. As opposed to the 2 other similar funerals I have attended which were just downright crappy. I still miss him, truly lovely bloke.

 

[Batz]

It's not and uncommon thing in my industry, unfortunately. Working away from home for extended periods etc.

These guys do a great job, well worth our support.

http://matesinconstruction.org.au/

Batz

 

[malt junkie]

The posts in this thread truly reflect today's real men.
The fact still is too many of our mates are slipping through the cracks, yet still our society believes that men are emotionally harder and tougher; in the face of statistics that would state the exact opposite.
Women, girls; the softer souls, do something we men don't really do. They talk about how they feel, and they have from a very young age. Women are able to label their emotions; more so they are encouraged to do so by their peers.
Men are either happy, horny or angry; yet none of those word really nail down any particular emotion.

As men we need to develop a vocabulary around our feelings and emotions and be encouraged by those around us to express those feelings and given not only the support to do so but the support to deal with the underlying issues causing them, in a calm and well thought out and rational way.

Don't lie to yourself, there is something that someone does that pisses you off, a little thing; tooth paste squeezed from the middle(Seriously!!), the cutlery draw in the wrong order, socks folded the wrong way, the nick name you detest. Do yourself a favour: say something. Lots of little bits, add up to alot. Hey your mates may never stop calling you that nasty nick name but when they do they'll be sure to check you over to see your still good.

My nick name no longer applies, I changed my name 10 years ago, my close mates still use it out of habit, It's now more a mark of how long those friendships have survived and makes me grateful for the mateship and support over so many years, through the ebb and flow that has been my life.

cheers

**pissed off isn't the description of an emotion but several.

 

[DU99]

read this article saw the book on the project

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

I would strongly suggest a book " The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris

 

[doctr-dan]

The reason behind my user name is a memory of a mate, for no apparent reason he called me doctr dan.
The only mate that did.
He seemed fine and then all in the space of what we thought was a couple of months a few things changed in his life and he pulled the pin.
It turned out there was issues for a long time that I had no idea about.
It's still not talked about.
He pulled the pin at his work and one of the other guys found him. I ended up having to go there and do some work on the building.
Would have been 10yrs ago now