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Answers from Oz to tourist's questions

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
> not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in
> Kings Cross. Come naked.
> Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
> we'll send the rest of the directions.
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
> is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
> in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
> A: You are a British politician, right?
> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
> (Germany)
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
> illegal.
> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
> rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
> Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
> good pets.
> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
> name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
> Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
> scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
> walking.
> Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
> A: No, WE don't stink.
> Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
> tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
> Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
> smaller than the male population? (Italy)
> A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> A: Only at Christmas.
> Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
> dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
> A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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