Ventriloquist

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fraser_john

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, so while you are reading the above, here is a couple extra...........

Sven, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the Doctor.

He said, How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
fiance, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.

The Doctor told him, I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and
taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Sven mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful untouched breasts. She said, You're the first vun. No vun has
EVER seen deez.

Sven immediately drops his pants and replies, Look at dis, still in da
CRATE"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A salesman is out on the golfcourse by himself, but he forgets what hole he is on. Seeing a woman up on the next tee he asks her, "Well I am on the 7th, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th" she replied. Content, off he goes and continues his game.

Come to the second 9 and he has forgotten again what hole he is playing, he sees the woman up ahead and ask her again what hole he is playing. She looks at him and and says "Well I am on the 16th, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 15th". Content, off he goes and continues his game.

After the game, he sees her at the bar having a drink. He approaches her, thanks her for assistance and strikes up a conversation, "So what do you do for a living?" he asks.

"You will laugh if I tell you" she says. "I promise I wont" he responds. "Well, I am in tampon sales" is her answer.

The guy falls of the bar stool in laughter, rolling around uncontrollably. The woman is quite mad, "I told you that you would laugh".

"No, No its not that" he gasps, "I am in sales too, toilet paper, so I am still a hole behind you".
 

petesbrew

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A few jokes worth repeating here.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, so while you are reading the above, here is a couple extra...........

Sven, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the Doctor.

He said, How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
fiance, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.

The Doctor told him, I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and
taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Sven mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful untouched breasts. She said, You're the first vun. No vun has
EVER seen deez.

Sven immediately drops his pants and replies, Look at dis, still in da
CRATE"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A salesman is out on the golfcourse by himself, but he forgets what hole he is on. Seeing a woman up on the next tee he asks her, "Well I am on the 7th, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th" she replied. Content, off he goes and continues his game.

Come to the second 9 and he has forgotten again what hole he is playing, he sees the woman up ahead and ask her again what hole he is playing. She looks at him and and says "Well I am on the 16th, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 15th". Content, off he goes and continues his game.

After the game, he sees her at the bar having a drink. He approaches her, thanks her for assistance and strikes up a conversation, "So what do you do for a living?" he asks.

"You will laugh if I tell you" she says. "I promise I wont" he responds. "Well, I am in tampon sales" is her answer.

The guy falls of the bar stool in laughter, rolling around uncontrollably. The woman is quite mad, "I told you that you would laugh".

"No, No its not that" he gasps, "I am in sales too, toilet paper, so I am still a hole behind you".
 

petesbrew

Lover of Beer
Joined
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Messages
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Hmmm. thought this was in the continuing jokes thread.
Oh well.
 

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