Howdy folks
Well, after almost 10 years of brewing, i have sadly had end to it.
I have suffered from depression all my life and spent the last couple decades doing my best to hide it from everyone, including myself, riding along in a nightmarish grey cloud, too down and blind to it all to seek help.
In recent years it has taken its toll on my family, and on the verge of losing them and a nervous breakdown, i went to the doctor and asked for help. I will never forget sitting in the waiting room...... shaking i was so scared. They diagnosed me with cornic depression, booked me in for counceling and gave me a script for anti-depressents. I also stopped drinking all but the odd beer now and then. I felt great for a change.
After a few months on the happy pils, they arnt working any more. I'm all over the place, cant sleep, cant concentrate, cant work, up, down, happy, sad, friendly, angry...... and i have gone back to knocking back a fair few pints every night and more than a few on weekends.
So i made the decision i needed to make, to get myself back on track and bring some positive change in my life.
I turned off my Kegorator, tipped almost 100L of beer down the drain including an american amber that had just finnished fermenting, and went dry!
That was a week ago and i must say i feel great! I dont wake up every 30 min at night, in fact i sleep right through, My upset guts have settled down. The wife says i have completly stopped snoring and i can concentrate, i can work, my mood is stable.......... seems the alcahol and the pills wernt mixing well
I have had withdrawls but its not from the alcahol....... i have about 15 bottles of single malt at my bar and i felt no compulsion to touch them, It was from the enjoyment of pouring a quality home brew and looking at it as i drank it thinking.... i made this and its bloody tops! I missed that satisfaction factor of drinking quality home made beer. I also felt a loss for the hobby that had kept me half sain over the years. I have emersed myself in the brewing process as a place to go when i felt like crap. It gave me something to emerse my thought in and hide behind. But every day now, i feel better, and every day i see that i dont need to drink to escape the horror and emptyness of depression. I started to feel like i was drinking so i could brew, and brewing so i could drink. It hit me like a sledge hammer and i thought bugger it..... i need to change. If i dont im not going to see 40.
Sooooooooooo now that i have shared my deepest darkest secrets with AHB ( well not all of them...... there was this one time at band camp.........) Im selling all my brewing ingredients and some of my brewing gear.
I will put a post up tonight in the buy and sell section listing all my Malt and Hops.
I will state now that it will be pich up only. I work 60+ hours a week and dont have time to go pachaging up stuff to post all around the country. I live in Rutherforn in the Hunter Valley NSW for anyone who doesnt know.
I have about 118 kg of base malt, 27kg of specialty malt and 6.5kg of hops to sell, all but base malts kept vac sealed, and i have priced it well. I will big time prefer a bulk purchase of all of it. As i said i dont have much spare time with a busy job.
As a final note.......... anyone out there who sufferes from depression......... and you know when you do, (and no amount of people growing a mustache or patting you on the shoulder saying "you'll be right mate" will help)........ go and see a doctor. The worst part is having to admit to yourself that your not as perfect as you would like to be. Having to swallow your pride as a human being and admit to a stranger that your a taqd broken.
Once you get past that step, and start to get better....... you look back in horror and what you have lost. I lost my youth to submersing myself in 80 hr weeks at work, 5 bottles of bundy and 3 cartons of tooheys draught a week.
Its different for everyone, you dont have to do what i have done, but if you know you suffer from it....... and if you do......... YOU KNOW...... do something about it!
No better time than now!
