Guy's Guide To A Woman's Heart

[PistolPatch]

Just received this from a female friend of mine. Surely it's not true?


A Guys guide to a womens heart

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit guide will help u to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and u get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, thats the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed +1
You make the bed but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren you resort to kleenex -1
When the kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra light panty liners with wings +5
In the snow +8
But return with beer -5
And no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and its nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and its something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
Its her cat -40

At the Party:

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a colleague -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -10
With breast implants -18

Her Birthday:

You remember her birthday 0
You buy her a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a pub +1 Ok it is a pub -2
And its all-you-can-eat night -3

A Night out with the Boys:

Go with a mate 0
The mate is happily married +1
The mate is single -7
Not for long...its his stag night -10
He has a liking for Kings Cross Establishments -50

A Night out with Her:

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
Its called Death Cop III -3
Which features human eating Cyborgs -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable beer gut -15
You develop a noticeable beer gut and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy
hawaiin shirts -30
You say 'it doesnt matter, you have one too' -800

The Big Question:

She asks, 'Does this dress make me look fat?'
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply 'where?' -35
You reply 'No, I think its your bum' -100
Any other response -20

When she wants to talk to you about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 mins +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
Your mind wonders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her say 'well
what should I do?' -100
You have fallen asleep -200

Its that time of the Month:

You talk -100
You dont talk -150
You spend time with her -200
You dont spend time with her -500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself. GAME OVER-YOU LOSE!!!

 

[PhilS]

That was well worth a read, I can relate to some of those responses. What a crack-up P_P

 

[Duff]

Very good PP.

Cheers.

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

I like and agree with this points system apart from one thing.

Men often discuss Brownie points but rarely note or remember that Brownie points are very unstable (If they are in the positive....very stable if they are in the negative.)

In fact I will go so far as to add my brownie points estimation equation;

Tb = (Bn + Br)*Rh/Rl

where

Tb = The half-life of Brownie points.
Bn = New Brownie points
Br = Brownie points remaining in Brownie points bank
Rh = Health of the relationship (Maximum value of 1)
Rl = Length of the relationship (Years)

The outcome of this equation usually has the half life of brownie points somewhat less than five minute.

Therefore the rule of thumb regarding brownie points is...."Use'em when you get them Cos they dont last long."

Another theory arising from this calculation is...."The longer you are in a relationship, and the worse the health of the relationship, the less effective any attempts at gaining Brownie points will be."

cheers all
ATOMT

 

[spog]

oh why bother,tell her to shutup and keep stirring the mash :blink: