2 Short 'uns

Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum

Help Support Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
An old one from The Goodies, I think.

What's worn under a Scotsmans kilt?



Nothing. It's all in perfect working order.




How can U tell how old a dingo is?








Lift up its tail and look up its date
 
Why do men die before their wives?




















'Cause they want to'.
 
How do you make 3 pounds of ugly fat attractive to a man?












Put a nipple on it.






What does a woman say after she's had 3 consecutive orgasms?


(When she gets her breath back) Thankyou Seth.
 
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
> > lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
> > appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie
> > said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in
> > third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant
> > you one wish. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said:
> > "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries
> > to stop fighting with each other."
> >
> > The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed: "Gadzooks, lady! These
> > countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not
> > THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
> >
> > The woman thought for a minute and said: "Well, I've never seen a
> > Collingwood premiership. Can you make them into a team that is skilful
> > with players who hit team-mates by hand or foot, a team that is quick
> > and elusive and runs hard, a team that mans up and puts in hard every
> > week, a team with confidence, spirit and soul. A team of players that
> > would be the envy of other supporters"
> >
> > The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f--kin' map!"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
> >
> >
> >
> > Danny Frawley: The chicken crossed the road and got hit by a bus, it
> > tried hard to get across the road but the bus was bigger, I think we can
> > all take some positives out of the chicken trying to cross the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > Leigh Matthews: The chicken had to cross the road because it was not
> > eligible to stay on its side of the road because the AFL changed the
> > father son criteria and its father was on its side of the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > Dean Laidley: I dont really care about whether the chicken crossed the
> > road or not , I just want it to get a little more angry about what its
> > doing and as long as it knows its my way or the highway it can cross the
> > road whenever it likes.
> >
> >
> >
> > Mick Malthouse: The chicken was slow but the road was patient.
> >
> >
> >
> > Grant Thomas: We have no comment about the chicken and it crossing the
> > road we just told it that we expect 100% commitment to this club and
> > anything less wont be tolerated, we gave the chicken some life
> > counselling and it decided to cross the road which I think is in the
> > best interests of the club
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player? Nothing. You could
> > drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
> >
> >
> >
> > What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist? An arsonist
> > wouldn't waste 22 matches.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood
> > jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to
> > save his family from the embarrassment.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off
> > and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his
> > friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responds, "I
> > ran over Nathan Buckley." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood.
> > But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well,
> > he tried to escape through the park."
> >
> >
> >
> > If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve
> > to hit him? It could be your bicycle.
> >
> >
> >
> > What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has
> > a chance of becoming a human being.
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks
> > in sand? Not enough sand.
> >
> >
> >
> > What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead
> > Collingwood fan on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
> >
> >
> >
> > You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Collingwood
> > fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the
> > Collingwood fan - twice.
> >
> >
> >
> > How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb? Seven -
> > one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Mick
> > Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place
> > the light bulb would never have gone out.
> >
> >
> >
> > What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a pitbull?
> > Lipstick.
> >
> >
> >
> > Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan and an old
> > drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot
> > a $100.00 note. Who gets it? The drunk, of course; the other three are
> > mythical creatures.
> >
> >
> >
> > What is black and brown and looks good on a Collingwood Fan? A doberman.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > What do Collingwood fans use for birth control? Their personalities.
> >
> >
> >
> > What is the difference between an Collingwood fan and a trampoline? You
> > take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you call 5000 dead Collingwood fans at the bottom of the ocean?
> > A good start.
> >
> >
> >
> > A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his
> > Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St
> > Peter in a St Kilda scarf. "Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no
> > Collingwood fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You
> > heard. No Collingwood fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man,"
> > replies the Collingwood supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter, "what
> > have you done then?" "Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I
> > gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa." "Oh," says St Peter,
> > "anything else?" "Well, two weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the
> > homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20
> > bucks to the Albanian orphans." "Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a
> > minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before
> > St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a
> > word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know
> > the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a
> > living.
> >
> >
> >
> > The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman"
> >
> >
> >
> > The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic"
> >
> >
> >
> > Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag
> > called Adrian, who is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men"
> >
> >
> >
> > The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the
> > school yard approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true
> > that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
> >
> >
> >
> > He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays football for
> > Collingwood and I was just too embarrassed to say so"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > An Essendon fan, a Collingwood fan and a Richmond fan were all in Saudi
> > Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police
> > rushed in and arrested them. The mere
> >
> > possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the
> > terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were
> > sentenced to death!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
> > were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life
> > imprisonment.
> >
> >
> >
> > By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
> > finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
> > released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
> >
> >
> >
> > As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said,
> > "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to grant
> > each of you one wish before your whipping."
> >
> >
> >
> > The Essendon fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he
> > thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my
> > back
> >
> > This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
> > through. The Essendon fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying
> > with pain when the punishment was done.
> >
> >
> >
> > The Collingwood fan was next up (he had almost finished an entire six
> > pack by himself), and after watching the scene, said "Alright! Please
> > fix two pillows on my back."
> >
> > But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
> > through again, sending
> >
> > the Collingwood fan out crying like a little girl.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The Richmond fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate),
> > but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said,
> > "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of
> > the best and most loyal fans in the world. For this, you may have two
> > wishes!"
> >
> > "Thank you, your Royal Highness," the Richmond fan replies. "In
> > recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
> > but 100 lashes".
> >
> >
> >
> > "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are
> > also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face.
> >
> > "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And, your second
> > wish....what is it to be?"
> >
> > "Tie the Collingwood fan to my back."
 
Don't like Collingwood huh?

Go the Lions in '05 :ph34r:
 
Two words - Eddie Macguire... :angry:

Go Hawks in '05 - The only way is up! :blink:
 
Two words: Settle down

I support anyone's right to be an opinionated prat. Sh1t, I do it myself, but this is over the top, don't U think.
Phweeeeeet! The ref blows the whistle and Normell gets the sin bin for un-sportmanlike behaviour.
It's my thread and I'll call off-topic if I want to.

Seth (ducking for cover)
 
Is this the same Normell that got a tad upset about the March pump comment? If it is, he sure knows how to give it back, assuming, of course, that Batz is a collingwood supporter ;)
Trent
 
I reckon that a Collingwood supporter gave him XS grief in school/ stole his girl/ smashed his car/ stole his pot of VB once or something like that.
There's not a lot in the post about the team he supports, just the one he hates.

My suggestion is to seek some balance, Normell.
No point being upset about Collingwood, my friend. As with most football clubs, they can be their own worst enemy most of the time (and I'm sure you could provide plenty of examples, but I prefer not to know).

Until Collingwood start making beer, I'm happy to let it go right here.

However, if you want to have a go at me, that's also your right. Seems that football puts a NASA burner under your kettle. Far be it from me to turn off your gas bottle.

Anyway, I'm going off-topic, so I must balance with a joke.

Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find!!!

Seth out
 
why did the coala fall out of the tree?


It was dead.








Why did the second coala fall out of the tree?


It got knocked out bu the first one.







How did the kangaroo die?


It got hit on the head by 2 koala's.






And my fav quick joke :p

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?






















A quadraplegic in a house fire. :ph34r:

I didnt tell that one.





Oh, my wife just said one.


What do you call a rooster with fleas?


an itchy cock. <_<

mmmmmmmm she thought it was funny.
 
Warning: Sexist - can't complain. U bin warned!

What does a 75-year old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year old doesn't?


Her navel.





Whats the difference between a bitch and a slut?

A slut has sex with everyone, and a bitch has sex with everyone except you!!!




Why do women wear white at their wedding?


Don't all domestic appliances come in white?
 
Back
Top