Dear Alcohol
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a roll kebab with chilli sauce, along with two big slices of pizza and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after
a chilli hot dog)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far
this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan.
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a roll kebab with chilli sauce, along with two big slices of pizza and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after
a chilli hot dog)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far
this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan.
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
