A Winter Story

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Zwickel

Keg Drainer
Joined
7/10/05
Messages
1,260
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13
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years,
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and cl osed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my arse on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try
not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
******* stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow
came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying.

Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13
more inches of the white fecker fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss.

By the time I got undressed,pissed and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel!

Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of
the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the guy is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of sn ow today, and it warmed up to "0".
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did, but I think she's lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the

son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through
the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I
know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over everywhere I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the *******
snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
god forsaken slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I
have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
stuff her into the microwave.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze.
Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me
$1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in.
The flippinwife is driving me crazy!!!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He
is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I
gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his
arse

The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.


January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
bahahahah

I could relate to that..........I hate summer, would love to live in the snow, but would hate it within a week....
 
and then of course, there's the Aussie summer version

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa,
Queensland!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful
sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset
from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found
my home. I love it here.

September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

>>September 30th
>>Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
>>and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
>>Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
>>
>>October 10th
>>The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used
>>to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But
>>getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
>>
>>October 15th
>>Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
>>Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
>>though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
>>
>>October 20th
>>I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
>>morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died
>>and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000
> Leather
>>upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like
>>Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in
> This
>>heat.
>>
>>October 25th
>>The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin blow dryer!! And it's hot
>>as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
>>charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
>>
>>October 30th
>>Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000
>>House and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
>>
>>November 4th
>>It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It
>>cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity
>>makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman! I hate this
>>stupid f*ckin place!!
>>
>>November 8th
>>If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
>>f*ckin throttle him. F*ckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's
>>radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f*ckin wet, and I
> Smell
>>like baked cat!!
>>
>>November 9th
>>Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the
>>black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin arse was on
>>fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs
>>and my F*ckin a*se. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and
>>baked cat.
>>
>>November 10th
>>The weather report might as well be a f*ckin recording. Hot and sunny.
>>Hot and sunny. Hot and f*ckin sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
>>for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
>>week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin place? Water rationing
>>will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow
>>into the f*ckin pool. Even the palms can't live in this f*ckin heat.
>>
>>November 14th
>>Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the
>>air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and
> Said,
>>"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage
>>payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f*cker.
>>F*ck Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented f*ckin idiot would want
>>to live here?
>>
>>December 1st
>>WHAT?????
>>Dec 1st is the first day of summer????
>>You are f*ckin kiddin!!
 
and then of course, there's the Aussie summer version

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa,
Queensland!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful
sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset
from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found
my home. I love it here.

September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

>>September 30th
>>Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
>>and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
>>Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
>>
>>October 10th
>>The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used
>>to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But
>>getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
>>
>>October 15th
>>Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
>>Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
>>though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
>>
>>October 20th
>>I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
>>morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died
>>and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000
> Leather
>>upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like
>>Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in
> This
>>heat.
>>
>>October 25th
>>The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin blow dryer!! And it's hot
>>as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
>>charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
>>
>>October 30th
>>Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000
>>House and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
>>
>>November 4th
>>It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It
>>cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity
>>makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman! I hate this
>>stupid f*ckin place!!
>>
>>November 8th
>>If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
>>f*ckin throttle him. F*ckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's
>>radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f*ckin wet, and I
> Smell
>>like baked cat!!
>>
>>November 9th
>>Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the
>>black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin arse was on
>>fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs
>>and my F*ckin a*se. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and
>>baked cat.
>>
>>November 10th
>>The weather report might as well be a f*ckin recording. Hot and sunny.
>>Hot and sunny. Hot and f*ckin sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
>>for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
>>week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin place? Water rationing
>>will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow
>>into the f*ckin pool. Even the palms can't live in this f*ckin heat.
>>
>>November 14th
>>Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the
>>air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and
> Said,
>>"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage
>>payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f*cker.
>>F*ck Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented f*ckin idiot would want
>>to live here?
>>
>>December 1st
>>WHAT?????
>>Dec 1st is the first day of summer????
>>You are f*ckin kiddin!!

very good
 
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