Kiwis

[Jase]

Love a good kiwi joke!!!


50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis Start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!
GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

[warrenlw63]

:lol: :lol:

Warren -

 

[dreamboat]

A Kiwi bloke and an Aussie bloke are diving through the Central South Island of New Zealand, when the Kiwi spots a particularly attractive ewe on the side of the road with her head caught in some fence wires.
Not being one to pass up a prime opportunity, he stops the car, dashes over to the sheep, and has his way with it. The Aussie is sitting in the car all the while, watching the event take place. When the Kiwi returns to the car, he figures, as the host of the foreigner he should be polite, so he asks the Aussie if he too would like a turn before they carry on their way.
The Aussie says that he would love a turn, then runs over to the fence, and sticks his head in the wires....



dreamboat

 

[Boozy the clown]

*This is not original, I heard it from someone else*

Two kiwis sittung out on the verandeh

Dog spuns his hed around und lucks his jatz crackers.

Wun kiwi seys to the uther "Gee, wush i culd do thet."

Other kiwi suys "Sure just pat hum and he might lut you"

 

[warrenlw63]

There's this Kiwi farmer and he can't get his sheep to fall pregnant, so he goes and see a vet about it. The vet says to him "You will need to artificially insemenate the sheep. If the sheep fall pregnant, they will lie down on their stomachs" Unsure what this meant, the farmer guessed that it meant that he'd have to impregnate them himself. Confused he thanked the vet and went on his way.

The next day, the farmer loaded all his sheep into his truck. He drove them out to the forest and one by one, screwed them all. Satisfied by his marathon effort, he loaded them back into the truck and went home. The next day he got up and looked out the window. No sheep were lying down so he loaded them into his truck and repeated the process. this went on for days with no avail.

The Kiwi farmer got up one day, totally defeated and asked his wife to look out the window for him becuase he could not stand failure once more. So she looked out and replied "Sorry honey none of them are lying down but they are all in the truck and one's beeping the horn."

Warren -

 

[spog]

oh thuts rully baaaaad.

 

[PostModern]

If this is OTT, let me know

One night a drunk kiwi walks into his bedroom bumping into the walls, tripping over the furniture etc, with a ewe under his arm. He says, "I want you to see the bitch I have to root when you're not in the mood". His wife says, "You do realise that you're carrying a sheep?" to which he replies, "You do realise that I'm not talking to you?"

Ah kiwis, sheep... a million opportunities.

 

[RobW]

Kiwi Eye Test

View attachment NewZealandeyetest.doc

 

[warrenlw63]

Kiwi Eye Test

[post="94637"][/post]​

Let's hope the mass breakfast wasn't baked-beans. :lol:

Warren -

 

[Stagger]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.