normell
Winter's Flat's #1 Brewer, now that XXXX have move
- Joined
- 14/12/04
- Messages
- 765
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Posted this earlier, but put a "F" word in the title, and it dissapeared quickly.
So here I go again.
The Genius of Peter Kay
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
5) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
6) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
7) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
8) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
9) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when a woman gets undressed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pot-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Normell
So here I go again.
The Genius of Peter Kay
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
5) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
6) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
7) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
8) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
9) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when a woman gets undressed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pot-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Normell
