Tex N Oz
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- Joined
- 9/4/15
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After making last evening, an evening of ordinary homebrew, I’ve decided to post this as an instructable of sorts on dealing with the bane of a not-so-great brew.
So without further adieu.....
Everyone's first couple brews have some to be desired. It's like a rite of passage. Some like myself are still... ummmm... passaging.. Is that a word?
Now, there's really no such thing as a "bad" beer unless you just cant drink it (or perhaps it just wants a spanking).
But here's a little tip from Tex.... Let's say you've brewed a fairly ordinary beer.... nothing insanely nasty that would make you wanna lick the dogs butt just to get the taste outta your mouth, but maybe like.... I dunno.. dirty bath water ordinary. Hopefully this helps set the reference..
Your first inclination is to feed it to the drain, but don't. stop right there! You are holding bottles of opportunity.
How's that you ask?
Well, get on the phone and invite all your mates around for free beer. Now this is where we have to play our cards just right. It's kinda like fishing and you'll see.
Don't smash out the "questionable" brew just yet. Give em a couple bottles of cheap commercial swill, something from Aldi's. Get em lubed up first, but don't set their palates to a high standard.
It's kinda like playin with the missus. You don't use a big finger... You use a pinkie so what follows isn't such a huge disappointment. That's how we roll... right? Ok movin on..
Now that you've chummed the water a bit and they are getting into the frenzy, it's time to throw in the baited hooks.
Pop the tops on a "questionable" homebrew for everyone and call together a toast. It's ok if you sneak yourself a bottle of decent brew. After all, you shouldn't have to drink it too. You've already suffered the failure and that's good enough.
Watch carefully that you don't end up with a bunch of "bottle sniffers" because that's just not on. You don't wanna let em get into that bad habit.
You'll find it gets harder to prevent the more you use this technique so snip that shit in the bud right now.
The next part requires a keen eye and impeccable timing. On first sip you'll recognise one or more of the following possible reactions.
As the evening progresses into morning and all of your mates are soundly passed-out on the yard around the keg-fire, you can lay back in your bed and in your satisfied mind, tick off the list.
Now you can turn that frown upside down and call it a win..
I hope this helps you over-come the obstacles of ordinary homebrew.
You're welcome..
Tex
So without further adieu.....
Everyone's first couple brews have some to be desired. It's like a rite of passage. Some like myself are still... ummmm... passaging.. Is that a word?
Now, there's really no such thing as a "bad" beer unless you just cant drink it (or perhaps it just wants a spanking).
But here's a little tip from Tex.... Let's say you've brewed a fairly ordinary beer.... nothing insanely nasty that would make you wanna lick the dogs butt just to get the taste outta your mouth, but maybe like.... I dunno.. dirty bath water ordinary. Hopefully this helps set the reference..
Your first inclination is to feed it to the drain, but don't. stop right there! You are holding bottles of opportunity.
How's that you ask?
Well, get on the phone and invite all your mates around for free beer. Now this is where we have to play our cards just right. It's kinda like fishing and you'll see.
Don't smash out the "questionable" brew just yet. Give em a couple bottles of cheap commercial swill, something from Aldi's. Get em lubed up first, but don't set their palates to a high standard.
It's kinda like playin with the missus. You don't use a big finger... You use a pinkie so what follows isn't such a huge disappointment. That's how we roll... right? Ok movin on..
Now that you've chummed the water a bit and they are getting into the frenzy, it's time to throw in the baited hooks.
Pop the tops on a "questionable" homebrew for everyone and call together a toast. It's ok if you sneak yourself a bottle of decent brew. After all, you shouldn't have to drink it too. You've already suffered the failure and that's good enough.
Watch carefully that you don't end up with a bunch of "bottle sniffers" because that's just not on. You don't wanna let em get into that bad habit.
You'll find it gets harder to prevent the more you use this technique so snip that shit in the bud right now.
The next part requires a keen eye and impeccable timing. On first sip you'll recognise one or more of the following possible reactions.
- They smile and say "nice beer". These piss-heads are hook swallowing bottom feeders and need no more attention. They’ll drink anything. Hide the Listerine.
- They just drink it. These are like 1 except they set their own hooks.
- They raise an eyebrow and hold the beer out at arm’s length with an odd look on their face and head slightly tilted staring at the bottle.
These require you to set the hook.. It's easy.. This is your cue to say "Yeah, it's not the best but I was hoping you guys could tell me what I need to do to make it better".. BOOM FISH ON!! The transformation is amazing.. In the blink of an eye they put on their freakin' "professional beer brewing, tasting and judging" pants and tell you exactly where you went wrong and what you need to do to fix it; all the while they smash back bottle after bottle. It's not important that they've never brewed beer.
I liken it to a pack of hipsters eating at a restaurant right after finishing a MasterChef-a-thon session. They'll call out and get up the professional chef for not serving perfectly a-la-dente pasta, yet they couldn't manage to place a pickled beet root on a veggie burger as a combined effort. It's the way of the world and you need to tap into that, using it towards your advantage.
Inevitably and unfortunately, you'll find another reaction in a small population of beer drinkers.
- They create a beer vapour mist as they violently expel their sip of beer. Sometimes followed by an over-exaggerated wretch of disdain.
You need to quickly cull these drama-queens from your on-call-friends list because that shit's contagious. It only takes a couple of these before the others spit their hooks too. Not to mention they’ll likely become “bottle sniffers” as well. Ghastly combination.
As the evening progresses into morning and all of your mates are soundly passed-out on the yard around the keg-fire, you can lay back in your bed and in your satisfied mind, tick off the list.
- Successfully finished off 21 or more litres of ordinary homebrew and didn't have to drink it yourself or pour it out.
- Had a great night with mates.
- Made mates feel important and entitled to wear their special pants.
- Earned a handful of guilt-free favour cards from all your drunken buddies.
Now you can turn that frown upside down and call it a win..
I hope this helps you over-come the obstacles of ordinary homebrew.
You're welcome..
Tex
