normell
Winter's Flat's #1 Brewer, now that XXXX have move
- Joined
- 14/12/04
- Messages
- 765
- Reaction score
- 0
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me,
can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."
-----------------------------------------------
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough? Why doesn't glue stick to the
bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him? Whose idea was it to put
an "S" in the word "lisp"? Why is it that nomatter what
color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always manage to
knock something else over?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
-----------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his grandfather if he would make a noise
like a frog. The grandfather asked "Why?" and the grandson
replied "Because daddy said the sooner you croak, the
sooner we can go to Disney World in Florida".
-----------------------------------------------
To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her
sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and
hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a
double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he
said to me, "but I'll take a dozen."
-----------------------------------------------
A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly,
the young man pulled back, smiled, and said, "Honey, I have
your gum."
She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn't chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."
-----------------------------------------------
A fellow was walking up to a Doctors office and met another
man coming out. Just before they meet the fellow coming out
fell face forward dead. The first fellow went in and told
the recepionist that a man had just fallen dead outside the
office. The receptionist asked him "which way was he going?
The man replied "he was leaving the office."
The receptionist said, "Well, do me a favor, will you, and
go back out and turn him around."
------------------------------------------------------------
Something to ponder as we age
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
" STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again
Normell
can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."
-----------------------------------------------
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough? Why doesn't glue stick to the
bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him? Whose idea was it to put
an "S" in the word "lisp"? Why is it that nomatter what
color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always manage to
knock something else over?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
-----------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his grandfather if he would make a noise
like a frog. The grandfather asked "Why?" and the grandson
replied "Because daddy said the sooner you croak, the
sooner we can go to Disney World in Florida".
-----------------------------------------------
To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her
sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and
hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a
double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he
said to me, "but I'll take a dozen."
-----------------------------------------------
A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly,
the young man pulled back, smiled, and said, "Honey, I have
your gum."
She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn't chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."
-----------------------------------------------
A fellow was walking up to a Doctors office and met another
man coming out. Just before they meet the fellow coming out
fell face forward dead. The first fellow went in and told
the recepionist that a man had just fallen dead outside the
office. The receptionist asked him "which way was he going?
The man replied "he was leaving the office."
The receptionist said, "Well, do me a favor, will you, and
go back out and turn him around."
------------------------------------------------------------
Something to ponder as we age
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
" STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again
Normell
