How Do I Make A Crook Brew

[normell]

A few months ago when I started to brew again, none of my mates wanted to drink it, can't blame them either, but after getting my act together, and making some "Masterbrews & Extrabrews", filtering, Etc., I can't keep the bastards away from my fridge.
The final straw was a couple of nights ago, I got home from work, and there's this Telstra techie, sitting on my front veranda sucking on a half pint, but at least he asked if I wanted 1, then when I said yes, he said get your own, you know where the fidge is, PRICK, so short of putting a padlock on the fridge, what do I do ?????
Normell
:blink: :angry: :blink:

 

[big d]

buy yourself a savage dog and chain it to your fridge.

 

[die sudhausanlage]

Make him pay for the beer, or lock the fridge (5min job)

Maybe put the fridge inside, probably a better option, kids might already know about your beer. Believe me you dont want the mums and dads knocking at your door asking "why wasnt it locked away"

 

[barls]

just add some vinegar to a couple of bottles before capping and only put them out there that will fix him if not slowly move up to a laxative but make sure you dont drink them

 

[normell]

just add some vinegar to a couple of bottles before capping and only put them out there that will fix him if not slowly move up to a laxative but make sure you dont drink them

[post="46974"][/post]​

Trouble is Barls, I keg

 

[barls]

bugger well it was a good idea still but dont waste it just lock it up then

 

[normell]

Strange how non home brew drinkers, change their minds when it starts to taste a bit better.
Normell

 

[Backlane Brewery]

You could try everything people here advise against...

1- Only ever buy cheap kits from the supermarket, cause HB is all about cheap beer, not taste or anything.
2- Add plenty of good white sugar. Again, it's cheap, and going to a HB shop for something better is just too hard.
3- Keep the fermenter nice and warm, Everyone knows yeast is a kind of mould (or fungus or something anyway, isn't it?) and that it needs to be warm to grow.
4- A good brewer pays attention to his brew, so open the fermenter every day, give it a good stir to make sure it's OK, and stick your finger in for a taste. This would be a good time to add some more white sugar, too, to get the alcohol content up, which is the other reason for making HB.
5- After three days (three whole days, God this stuff takes forever, but stick at it)bottle it in whatever's handy- tomato sauce bottle, empty turps container, etc. You can't refill empty cans, but dig a few of your empty VB stubbies out from where you dropped them next to the recycling bin & use them- they will look even smarter if you leave the labels on. Hey, your HB is just as good as VB, isn't it?
6- Don't forget to add more sugar to some bottles, and none to others. This is called "experimenting" and is another mark of a master brewer.
7- Actually I was lying about the empty cans, you can refill them with a small funnel & seal with a bit of masking tape.
8- Drink it fresh, just like CUB advise in their ads. To get that "brewery fresh" taste, crack a few the day after bottling.
9- Invite your mates round too, they will be stoked to drink your cheap high alcohol VB lookalikes.
10- Wake up the next morning and try to figure out what you possibly did wrong...maybe the fermenter was too cold? Remind yourself to stick it in the oven for the next batch.

 

[Ross]

Don't be such a tight wad Normy... Enjoy sharing the fruits of your labour with your mates :beer: - better still get them interested - suggest to their wives what a great birthday/xmas present - before you know it you'll have your own little brew club... Those that arn't interested, drop a few subtle hints to bring round a kit for you...

 

[warrenlw63]

Put a few bottles of Orval in the fridge. (Yeccchhh!) Should keep 'em away for good.

Warren -

 

[Samwise Gamgee]

Just as your mates take their first mouthful tell them that the yeast was cultivated from a $2 crusty infected hooker and see how long it lasts in their mouth.

Pretty filthy idea but might hit the spot!

 

[warrenlw63]

Just as your mates take their first mouthful tell them that the yeast was cultivated from a $2 crusty infected hooker

[post="46990"][/post]​

Or alternatively "thrush" them to within an inch of their lives. :lol:

Warren -

 

[Samwise Gamgee]

Or alternatively "thrush" them to within an inch of their lives.

hehehe

i was trying not to get too graphic, there is just something about the word "thrush" that makes it sound more like an STD than a relatively common problem.

 

[normell]

Don't be such a tight wad Normy... Enjoy sharing the fruits of your labour with your mates :beer: - better still get them interested - suggest to their wives what a great birthday/xmas present - before you know it you'll have your own little brew club... Those that arn't interested, drop a few subtle hints to bring round a kit for you...

[post="46987"][/post]​

Not so much as being a tight wad Ross, I struggle to get a keg in front, and then a session with one of these buggers, and I'm behind the ol 8 ball again
Normell

 

[Ross]

That's why you'll find your keg collection steadily growing...

I've got 7 x 19L & 4 x 10L with another 4 x 19L on order from the States.
They work out at just under $50 each delivered Norm... :chug:

 

[Jazman]

brew an infected beer at 30 deg keg it and let them drink it while u keep thje good stuff

 

[Jovial_Monk]

hehhehehehe try adding half a cup of epsom salts to each batch

they will never, ever come near your beer again


Jovial Monk

 

[kook]

Put a few bottles of Orval in the fridge. (Yeccchhh!) Should keep 'em away for good.

Warren -

[post="46988"][/post]​

Blasphemy!!

 

[Weizguy]

Normell,

Which option do U choose:
To make a beer you like, or something a bit wrong?

I offer you some options...
Use an old, cheap out-of -date kit. They sometimes sell them at the lhbs. They usually taste OK, if perhaps, a little wrong. I made one that tasted weird to me, but some friends liked it. So don't do it with a Goldrush pilsner kit. I certainly won't touch old kits again.

Or U could brew a style that you'll cope with, bu may challenge the. Wiezen or Dunkelweizen, maybe? Stout scares off a lot of megabrew drinkers. Any real pi$$head won't be put off though! You won't scare 'em off with high alc content, either.

U could always try the option of getting them drunk to the stage where they will get the filthiest hangover in the history of overindulgence. U could brew a little warm to encourage those hangovers, too.

Other possibilities could be to involve them all in purchase of ingredients, or indeed, as Ross sez, turn em 'em into brewers, or make them your brew-bitches on brew day. Fetch me this, grind that, weigh these and pull me another one out of the keg coz watching U work is making me thirsty, etc.

Or U could start telling bad jokes, like this one...(back to the "thrush" theme above).
A woman of ill-repute goes to the Doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks the standard background questions, "are U in a Health Fund?", "what are the symptoms?",...and then he gets to "What do you do for a crust". She answers, matter-of-factly, " I wear the same knickers for 3 days". Boom Boom.

Sethule

 

[warrenlw63]

Put a few bottles of Orval in the fridge. (Yeccchhh!) Should keep 'em away for good.

Warren -

[post="46988"][/post]​

Blasphemy!!

[post="47039"][/post]​

Thought somebody would bite!

Actually Kook it's about the only Belgian I can't stomach. It's something about brett infections and excess hopiness that doesn't work. The smell reminds me of old rope.

Akin to an infected pale ale.


Warren -