Funniest Posts And Pm's You've Read

[Offline]

Probably not funny for Sqyre at the time, but made me laugh

hmmmm... so many to choose from.

Back when i lived with my parents and aircon hadn't been invented yet.
I had a elcheapo pedestal fan next to my bed to keep me sane at night through the summer months.
Well i came home with a skin full one night and fell over it crushing the wire cage cover, and not being able to sleep without a fan i promptly ripped off the cover and used it with out it.
Forgetting what had happened to the fan and still half sh*t faced,I got up for a piss about 5 hours later (naked) and in the pitch black of night, i stood up shoving my morning glory straight into the blades...

But its ok, i still got lots left..

Sqyre...

 

[glennheinzel]

newguy's post is a pearler...

That reminds me. Just before my wife and I got married, we acquired two cats. One was a fuzzy pig at heart and wouldn't stop eating until the dish was empty. A huge glutton. One evening he ran past my wife and kind of yowled at her. He was acting very unusual and further investigation revealed the problem. A huge turd was cresting through his anus, but too large to pass. Imagine trying to close your lips around a basketball in your mouth - that's what it looked like.

So I took him to the vet college. I worked at the university at the time and employees got a discount, so I took the cat in. This cat was completely freaked out. He couldn't ****, he got taken for a car ride, and he ended up at the vet college. A cat's idea of hell. By this point it was about 9pm, so I just left him in their hands for the night. The next morning on my way into work I stopped to check in on him. They had manually extracted what they could, given him 3 enemas, and 3 doses of a heavy duty laxative. The poor cat was so freaked that he just sat in his cage and made no effort to relieve himself at all.

After work I picked him up and took him home. He still hadn't passed anything despite another enema and a further two doses of laxative. The vet felt that he was just too worked up to go and that being in a familiar environment would help. He gave me a bottle of laxative with instructions to administer it liberally over the coming week. I sure as hell didn't need it.

Let me tell you, putting that many laxatives & enemas in a normal sized cat is kind of like shaking up a can of coke just before you give it to a friend. That cat started shitting 5 minutes after I got him home and didn't stop for about an hour. The next day we had to wash every flat surface he paused on as.....ahem....the integrity of his seal was compromised. To put it bluntly, he leaked for about 2 days afterward. Damn cat.

 

[InCider]

Moral: Don't be a pussy.

 

[Lobsta]

Mantis

--
mired in filth, grime besmirched
coopers dark ale bitter supped
this eve

muh sleeve snot flecked
'n greencheese bespeckled
get these spiders off me
--

arachnocrampngrind

--

I recklessly recccccommmend (the c's, the m's)
the uh and the err
mammon
and triptych haikus
with Coopers swill
you cannae
lose

--

....bleeeuuurgh!

this one was a bit of a "what the?"
drinking and attempted poetry should never go together

 

[InCider]

Another said Allah is great and all alcohol drinking, pig fleshed infidels should die.
Sorry for my seemingly personal attacks against individuals.

cheers

Darren

What do you mean by "seemingly" - you called a man by first and last name a Shonk.......

If this was the cricket, all the crowd would be going "******" "******" "******"..............

BTW darren I will have to try your beer as by your comments, you must be the beer Brewer in the world - Or is your name Chuck?

 

[Lobsta]

From the same thread as ^

After 5 pages of fighting, certain individuals calling other certain individuals shonks and stupid smelly poo heads and other childish kinds of name calling, devo comes through and shows all those misguided individuals the errors of their ways...
[/quote]

I LIKE SHORT, SHORTS.

what can you say in reply to that except....

"WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?"

Lobby

 

[Doogiechap]

I like short-shorts.

Warren -

From the same thread as ^

After 5 pages of fighting, certain individuals calling other certain individuals shonks and stupid smelly poo heads and other childish kinds of name calling, devo comes through and shows all those misguided individuals the errors of their ways...




what can you say in reply to that except....

"WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?"

Lobby

Warrenlw63

I like short-shorts.

Warren -

from another thread that ended in a slinging match :lol: .

 

[mika]

This deserves a mention

And this

 

[mika]

And I can't understand how someone hasn't put this in here yet...unless I missed it :unsure:

The truth! You can't handle the truth!
Son, we live in a world that has beers, and those beers have to be brewed by men with grain. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Stuster? We have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for extract beers, and you curse the all-grain brewers. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know. That extract beers, while tragic, are a waste of yeast. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves beers. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want All-Grain beer, you need All-Grain beer. We use words like sparge, mash, & efficiency. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who drinks the very beer I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a mash tun & a sack of grain, and brew real beer. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think of All-Grain brewers!
Cheers
Gerard

From a thread entitled Tell the truth

 

[InCider]

While discussing his vermin problems and the methods he was using - mousetraps, Pumpy received some sage advice from Old Bugwan:

"tried using peanut butter?"

I was a bit worried unless the mouse had a peanut allergy .

OBM I picked some of that up this morning will give it a go. just smear some on the trip?

Pumpy

Go Pumpy! :lol:

 

[Lobsta]

On the IRC chat on the weekend, there was a discussion about duct tape going on:

(Can't remember who): "Mechanics call is 100 mile an hour tape, film industry guys call it gaffa tape, fridgys call it ducy tape"
Sqyre: "Yeah, and sickos call it guinea pig tape"

That still makes me laugh every time i think about it

 

[mika]

Welcome to the thread Lobsta, for the ultimate Starsan effectiveness test

 

[Gerard_M]

Hey guys....

Please respect that this is a CraftBrewer retail thread

Cheers Ross

After a long day I needed a laugh, thanks guys
Cheers
Gerard

 

[mika]

ROFLMAOWTIME

QUOTE (kook @ Sep 17 2008, 11:13 AM) *
I haven't sent beer to them, but I can say that Hugh Dunn is very good at picking faults in beers, and now teaches Brewing at Edith Cowan University over here.

I'm not sure if Roger Bussell and him are still doing the whole feedback thing anymore though. I can find out if you like? (drop me a PM). *

Guest Lurker replies -> If they are still doing it, and you send a beer, make sure you explain what it is. Vlad sent them a finely crafted Brett beer, and I believe the feedback was along the lines that he was a dirty dirty brewer who should clean his fermenter before he put the can in.



Maybe it's just a WA thing, knowing GL's sense of humour would probably help I guess.

From this thread, post #31

 

[mika]

(Darren @ Jan 27 2009, 05:45 PM)
I always wondered why they started to make a lager. Perhaps this is why? To show that they can?

Lets just hope Bud doesn't replace CPA

cheers

Darren

Now look, WTF IS THIS?
You always had the rep of the tiger of the forum, a man of steel, a man not to be messed with , a man who would ride into the sunset leaving behind a trail of disagreeing but thoroughly chastined posters in his wake like 9 pins in a bowling alley.....
So what`s with these arty fartsy I more or less agree posts?
Two possibilities- you`re getting old or or well, I`m mystified.

stagga.


From here

 

[mika]

It amused me at least;

Sammus - haha 50 frangers for $3 delivered from HK... I'm not sure I trust em.

Pollux - Use 2

Adamt - Feh, why bother with 6 cent frangers when you can use glad wrap and sticky tape.

Anyway, site looks like it has some good deals, provided you understand you get what you pay for in terms of quality!

Sammus - lol yeah use 2 and put some deep heat gel in between them. Someone will know if one of them breaks haha.


From here

Starts at post #9

 

[Pollux]

I lost a mouthful of coke to that last post,.........

 

[mika]

Staggalee :-

Try this...............get into the habit of lovemakin to the sound of your airlock......as in "gloop"/stroke, "gloop"/stroke, "gloop"/stroke, etc.
Very benificial and relaxing.
Tip.......don`t do that with high gravity beers tho, I tried to keep up with a Russian Imperial Stout and f##@#*n` nearly had a seizure. sad.gif
Mid range beers you`ll be fine.
Let us know how it goes.

stagga.

From the silent airlock thread

 

[PistolPatch]

Alway's lots of funny posts in any QLD Xmas Case Swap thread but some stand out more than others. Sqyre and Mrs Sqyre (Renae) have become the traditional hosts of this grand event. Chappo asked if Sqyre would like a hand with the pig on the spit. Here is Sqyre's reply...

We will see how we are going when we get closer mate...
I dare say Ned will be here to help me shove my pole up the pigs arse..
and once we are done with Renae we might look at getting the spit ready..

Sqyre..

Mrs Sqyre's reply follows...

h34r: h34r: h34r:

You've gotta love the Sqyres! :beerbang:

 

[staggalee]

Meet The Fokkers

stagga.