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normell

Winter's Flat's #1 Brewer, now that XXXX have move
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> DON'T BE IN SUCH A RUSH
> > > >A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a
> > > >card offering sexual services from a telephone box on
> > > >Piccadilly.
> > > >
> > > >Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a
> > > >silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of
> > > >assistance.
> > > >
> > > >The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary shag,
> > > >some doggie-style FUN, some mild bondage, and I think
> > > >I'd like to finish off with a boob wank. Is that OK"?
> > > >
> > > >The lady says: "It does sound intriguing sir, but you might like
> to
> >press 9 first to get an outside line."



The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA
> appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
> previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
>
> 1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in
> handguns.
> 2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
> 3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
> patrol
> car parked at the front door.
> 4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
> work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
> and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.
> The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with
> a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk
> with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew
> their guns, several of whom
> also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
>
> Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
> shop. The subsequent autopsy
> revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7
> different weapons. No one else was
> hurt in the exchange of fire.
>
> Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005
> winner of the
> Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.


A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?"

The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."

He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"

"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"

"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."

"That will be $12.65" says the bartender.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

"What'll it be today?" says the bartender.

"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man.

He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"

"I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"

"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat.

"That will be $21.95" says the bartender.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

"Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what
the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"

"Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her
house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It
granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy
some-thing I would have the exact change in my pocket".

"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".

What else did you ask for?"

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Normell
 

Samwise Gamgee

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Good one(s) Normell!
 
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