Craft beer exists so guys who don’t drink wine still get to be prete

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Liam_snorkel

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A lot of this stuff doesn't really apply to home brewers (unless you're the preachy type).. but we do get lumped in with beer wankers, I know I'm one.

Craft beer exists so guys who don’t drink wine still get to be pretentious


It's time to end the craft beer revolution.

It was a good time for a short time, but now it belongs in the “Your time has passed” basket next to macarons, Mexican street food restaurants and artisan gelato (I mean seriously lemon is the only flavour you need when it comes to gelato, maybe lemon-lime if push comes to shove).

The craft beer movement started with such noble intentions: simply to make a pleasant beer, one friendlier than the tastebud-bashing domestic drafts Australia is so renown for.

Go to America and they will yell at you, “Fosters, Australian for beer!”


Hell, it is on tap in every pub in England. And the mother country knows a thing or two about putting on a craft beer revolution, quietly. They have long harboured a “real ale” community; a gathering of homely English neck beard types that meekly gather to discuss hand pumped ales in hushed tones. These poor chaps never seek to convert the standard larger drinker to ale.
Conditioned by years of football (read: soccer) hooligans attacking anyone exhibiting the slightest deviance from the norm, they disperse like hops on the trade winds in fear at even the slightest commotion. Like The Bilderberg Group, they deal only with their own.

But if you want it, it’s there in every pub. Which brings me to the problem of the craft beer movement: the people who drink craft beer.

Just as no one wants a knock at the door Saturday morning from a short-sleeve clad Mormon looking to add a convert to his quota, no one wants to stand at the bar next to a craft beer drinker on a Friday night. They both tell you what is wrong with your life choices in a direct and uninvited way.

'Why are you drinking that rubbish?' is the standard mating call of the craft beer enthusiast often found in his natural habitat, the brewpub or expensive non-chain owned bottle shop.

'But I like it,' you will foolishly respond, vaguely gesturing with your beer, and in doing so opening a door to a dialogue you will never be able to shoulder closed.

'Listen, that beer you are drinking is like all commercial beers, they have no taste, its mass produced piss.'

This is a signal to the craft beer drinker’s friend to join the conversation and help lecture you. Crafties tend to travel in pairs or packs, knows as ‘Slabs’ across most of Australia and ‘Cases’ in NSW, and they are much like the SkyWhale - a bunch of gassy tits that are full of hot air.

Their opening pretension is quantity. They will scold the lay-drinker for 'guzzling bland tasteless beers' urging you instead to sip and savour fewer 'good' beers, all while ordering round after round of pints for themselves (I do acknowledge it is well past time to examine Australian society’s dependence on alcohol but this is not the column for it).

Pretension number two, of course, is quality. They will tell you about wort, hops and mash. Brewing times and yeast types, this one was barrel aged while this is carbonated in the same fermentation process as champagne by Trappist monks. Whatever beer they are holding will inevitably be the best, richest, darkest most pure liquid to reside in a vessel since the cup that caught the blood of Jesus.

'Such variety!,' they will exclaim into the beer flecked beards, 'just let me tell you about this porter I am drinking, it tastes like burnt caramel.'

Say what you will about wine snobs being boring, droning on about their palette and noses, they do at least have a limited subject matter – grapes. Give them an open floor and they will wind down quick. Beer guys seem to have anticipated this and not to be caught short of material, go deeply overboard.

People used to say there is a steak and two eggs in every Guinness - as in it’s a meal and it will fill you up. Craft beer types, being literal fellows - engineers and IT professionals - took this to heart. They drink beer with food in it: pumpkin spiced ales, tropical fruit, coffee flavoured beer from beans digested and passed through an elephant, doughnut chocolate peanut butter banana ale, whole margarita pizza beer, beer with bulls balls or oysters and even coconut curry beer.

I need beer infused with bulls balls like European countries needs another layer of government. Don’t get me wrong, it is okay to experiment with craft beers – find out who you are and what you like – hell, I have even grated a little nutmeg onto the head of my stout for the sake of curiosity, but things can easily be taken too far. Below is an actual quote that appeared in my social media stream:

This is everything I love in one bottle – beer, bacon and maple syrup! #beerporn.

That is what giving up on life looks like. Have you eaten today? Because as Bachman-Turner Overdrive so tunefully observed, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

There is a beer that has been created using yeast grown in the beard of the ‘master brewers’ beard. Yes, human beard beer. I dare not Google foot beer for fear of finding out that that a Sock Bock beer exists. They have broken a beautiful thing.

Wine claims to hint at notes of flavour, craft beers just wacks them on in there like a ten-year old’s birthday party at a pizza joint, when the shy kid was forced to drink a cola full of Hawaiian/pasta/salt/pepper/lemonade and caramel topping.

Not only do you have to hold it down, now you have to talk about it at length. The greatest put down of rock criticism is 'talking about music is like dancing about architecture.'

Well, talking about the taste of a beverage is like looking to Peppa Pig to cure cancer. The lesson is that beer and wine should never be the conversation; they should be something you drink while you have one.
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2014/02/05/comment-craft-beer-exists-so-guys-who-don-t-drink-wine-still-get-be-pretentious
 
That rant summarised: I hate it when pretentious people tell me that what I like isn't good. What they like isn't good and they shouldn't be allowed to like it or talk about it.

Solid thinking there.

Craft beer wankers are hardly unique. There are wankers in every interest and hobby and beyond.
 
Beer snob? I'll cop that. Side effect of growing knowledge from homebrewing and incipient middle age.

But when you drink beer - you are drinking a timeless drink that many of the finest minds of previous ages have drunk, in many different forms; you are drinking something that different peoples from around the world have turned into many beautiful local and national drinks, from the pale sweet witbiers of Belgium to the hearty porters of England. It's impossible not to feel a little honoured when you quaff a pint....
 
Liam_snorkel said:
I'm pretty sure the author is a closet beer wanker.

Black Devil Dog said:
I think the author might have visited this site when doing his research.
There do seem to be a couple of hints towards this..




I'll continue drinking my nutmeg sprinkled porter...
 
Liam_snorkel said:
I'm pretty sure the author is a closet beer wanker.
He sure does come off like a Closet homosexual priest trying to convert a gay parishioner to being straight...
 
Anything you enjoy is worth talking about whether it's music, sport, beer or whatever. I can't see why some sensory experiences should be off limits from conversation while others are ok. As if talking with someone about a movie you watched is fine but talking about the beer you're drinking is a completely different thing. It just comes down to knowing how to relate to others properly and knowing when it's appropriate to speak. The problem with a craft beer wanker isn't the beer, it's the wanker who doesn't understand how to interact with others.
 
The comparison to wine snob is pretty apt though. That big cliche about wine snobs - that they use ridiculous metaphors to describe wine, you know, 'faint earthy odour of dogs bollocks and a round fruity truck diesel body....' - is so recognisable because it is basically true: there's a lingo they'll use that acts almost like a code to signify people are members of a group, and to exclude those who aren't members of that group.

And we do it too. Talk about esters, tannins, the 'hop kick', bittering, etc - in general, when discussion about taste (which anyone can understand) gives over to scientific terminology. Talk about 'hop kick' and 'bittering' isn't strictly scientific but it does function as a code anyway because it's just convenient shorthand that brewers start using.

And there's a number of analogies too - when we talk about beer having a 'banana' or a 'passionfruit' flavour, for instance - again this is often, in part, code, a reference to esters (which I learned about in high school chemistry, and are conveniently classified in this manner - one has a 'banana' smell, another has an 'apple' smell, etc). Those analogies can be quite misleading because they're very simplifying - taste or smell an apple or a banana and the sense is much more complex than just an ester. Convenient though, because it helps to define and sort out the complex flavours in the beer. Mind you, I was at a beer tasting once and they asked what we tasted: I said it tasted 'peppery'. The convenor looked at me strangely - he was going for 'passionfruit', or something like that. But it did taste peppery - hops often do, they have a strong spiciness!

Mind you, when I was tasting one of my latest brews the other day, I commented to my wife: "Mmm, nice estery flavours". It came out sounding like: "Mmm, nice estuary flavours". Whoops....

Hey, I'm an amateur brewer, but I'm not *that* amateur....
 
This article pretends to be attacking beer snobs but if you read between the lines it is a thinly veiled swipe at men with beards. Clearly written by a pathetic specimen of a man who is unable to grow a beard and has never gotten over the pain of the classic song, if your dad hasn't got a beard you've got two mums and the amusement his children have had calling him mum since they first heard it!
 
contrarian said:
This article pretends to be attacking beer snobs but if you read between the lines it is a thinly veiled swipe at men with beards. Clearly written by a pathetic specimen of a man who is unable to grow a beard and has never gotten over the pain of the classic song, if your dad hasn't got a beard you've got two mums and the amusement his children have had calling him mum since they first heard it!
Possibly his wife left him to consider having sex with a bearded man.
 
contrarian said:
This article pretends to be attacking beer snobs but if you read between the lines it is a thinly veiled swipe at men with beards. Clearly written by a pathetic specimen of a man who is unable to grow a beard and has never gotten over the pain of the classic song, if your dad hasn't got a beard you've got two mums and the amusement his children have had calling him mum since they first heard it!
Possibly...
However I also cannot grow a beard, but I haven't lashed out at an entire enthusiast group as a whole
Oh wait, yes I have...
Many times....
Furries, Bronies, Religious Folk, Beliebers, Janoskian Fans, One Direction Fans, the list goes on
 
I know how miserable I was when I attended an engagement party 2 or 3 years ago and all they had was Carlton Draught, one can lasted me all night.
So at the end of the day is it worth it to put someone through so much misery if you are responsible for liberating their taste buds and they end up a such a function.
I think not, better to let them have a great time oblivious to what they might be missing.
 
Pretentious

Adjective: 1. Characterised by an assumption of dignity or importance, especially when exaggerated or undeserved. 2. Making an exaggerated outward show.

Jeez it must be hard going writing for a crust eh?
 
I think this fella's got his shit all fucked up....its the other way around.

You stand at the bar ordering your pint of luscious, hop blooming, maltified craft beer brewed by unwashed virgins in a sealed vaulted basement;
and some mega swill wanker says "what are ya drinkin that shite for, get a fuckin Carlton Coldie up ya guts, its the ducks nut, aye"

I know who the ******* snobs are......
 
Liam_snorkel said:
I'm pretty sure the author is a closet beer wanker.
I reckon so too, and that his tongue was firmly placed in his cheek while writing that. Seems to have riled up a few in here, so job well done.
 
True, Phoneyhuh. I enjoyed his rant actually. Not sure he would have got paid for it though, I don't think SBS online pay their opinion columnists?!?
 
TimT said:
True, Phoneyhuh. I enjoyed his rant actually. Not sure he would have got paid for it though, I don't think SBS online pay their opinion columnists?!?
Righto. Scuse my ignorance mate. I thought it had pro quality stamped all over it.
 
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