From http://www.untitleddocument.co.uk/Issue25/beerhonoured.html
After 5 years solid research, a group of research scientists at Keele University have come to the startling conclusion that beer is indeed Man's greatest invention, beating off competition like computers, penicillin, the wheel, and tax forms in triplicate.
Their scientific paper, 'Beer and its Benefits', released today outlines the reasons that beer should be considered as the pinnacle of human achievement.
"From our research, we have observed many of the effects of the consumption beer, and alcoholic drinks in general, from our own experiences - and they are all positive. Take for example, the Beer Shield - after imbibing a few pints of any given beer, except supermarket-own-brand, you will feel a shield around you, which protects you from thing like the cold. T-shirts can be worn in winter. This explains the behaviour of many of the residents of Newcastle", said Dr Denzil Dexter.
Aside from the Beer Shield, the scientists have also isolated Beer Judgement, whereby your normally dire attempts at playing pool are transformed into some of the most majestic play you have ever seen; Beer Goggles, whereby any member of the opposite sex looks like Helen of Troy; Beer Memory, whereby you cannot remember what you did with Helen of troy last night, or what she looked like; Beer Courage, causing stupid acts of bravado and machsimo, such as the acquisition of beer trophies (i.e. Policemen's helmets, tourists, roadworks signs); Beer Logic, where even the stupidest ideas sound reasonable and workable (n.b. this is how our Government works); Beer Talk, where you feel a pressing need to say things like "I'm not psihed, but I love you, man"; Beer Sleep, to name but a few, where it is possible to achieve a reasonable nights sleep, no matter where you sleep.
"Basically, we are trying to improve the image of beer," added Dr Dexter, "as alcohol in general is without a doubt the single most important thing to civilisation as a whole. So many empires and dynasties have been fuelled by it - look at the Romans. And it's cheaper than crack. We just think it's about time credit was given where credit's due. drink beer, it's good for you. Except that supermarket stuff. That's just pish in a can, that is. You're my best friend."
After 5 years solid research, a group of research scientists at Keele University have come to the startling conclusion that beer is indeed Man's greatest invention, beating off competition like computers, penicillin, the wheel, and tax forms in triplicate.
Their scientific paper, 'Beer and its Benefits', released today outlines the reasons that beer should be considered as the pinnacle of human achievement.
"From our research, we have observed many of the effects of the consumption beer, and alcoholic drinks in general, from our own experiences - and they are all positive. Take for example, the Beer Shield - after imbibing a few pints of any given beer, except supermarket-own-brand, you will feel a shield around you, which protects you from thing like the cold. T-shirts can be worn in winter. This explains the behaviour of many of the residents of Newcastle", said Dr Denzil Dexter.
Aside from the Beer Shield, the scientists have also isolated Beer Judgement, whereby your normally dire attempts at playing pool are transformed into some of the most majestic play you have ever seen; Beer Goggles, whereby any member of the opposite sex looks like Helen of Troy; Beer Memory, whereby you cannot remember what you did with Helen of troy last night, or what she looked like; Beer Courage, causing stupid acts of bravado and machsimo, such as the acquisition of beer trophies (i.e. Policemen's helmets, tourists, roadworks signs); Beer Logic, where even the stupidest ideas sound reasonable and workable (n.b. this is how our Government works); Beer Talk, where you feel a pressing need to say things like "I'm not psihed, but I love you, man"; Beer Sleep, to name but a few, where it is possible to achieve a reasonable nights sleep, no matter where you sleep.
"Basically, we are trying to improve the image of beer," added Dr Dexter, "as alcohol in general is without a doubt the single most important thing to civilisation as a whole. So many empires and dynasties have been fuelled by it - look at the Romans. And it's cheaper than crack. We just think it's about time credit was given where credit's due. drink beer, it's good for you. Except that supermarket stuff. That's just pish in a can, that is. You're my best friend."
