A Man Walks Into A Bar

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QldKev

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A man walks into a bar...


Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A pirate walks into a bar with steering wheel stuck to his pants. The bartender asks "Isn't that a bit uncomfortable?". The pirate replies "Aar, it's driving me nuts."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender draws the beer, puts it in front of the horse and says "So... buddy... what's with the long face?"

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel for a hat. The bartender asked him why he was wearing the paper towel like that and the pirate says: "Because there's a Bounty on me head!"

A guy goes into a bar, and sees another guy with a fancy bottle in front of him, and a little man one foot tall playing the piano. So he asks about the fancy bottle - "it's a genie bottle, but he only grants you one wish." He says, "do you mind if I try?" The man says, "be my guest, but be careful what you wish for, the genie is a little hard of hearing - I ended up with this 12" pianist."


A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender, "If you've got a problem with my condition, I'll just go find somewhere else to get drunk and try to forget that I'm a leper."

The bartender replies, "No, I don't have a problem with that."

The leper starts drinking. After about two hours the leper notices that the bartender is looking at him kinda funny and looking rather sick. Before the leper can say anything, the bartender bends over behind the bar and vomits. As soon as the bartender is done, the leper says, "If you had a problem with my condition, you should have just said something, I'd have paid my tab and left. No problems."

The bartender replies, "Oh don't worry sir, it's not you, it's that sick freak next to you that's been dipping his chips in the back of your neck for the past hour."

A polar bear walks into a bar and mauls everyone to death. terrible tragedy.

and it has to be said

A man walks into a bar, you think he would have noticed it...
 

seravitae

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edit: a man walks into a bar, and realises it's not really a bar, it's AHB, and he just posted a redundant joke in a joke thread :ph34r:
 

samhighley

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A tree walks into a bar, but there's no-one there to see it, so it never happened.
 

glaab

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a big ni.. negro walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the barman says, "fuggin' hell mate, he's a beauty!, where did you get him?" The parrot says, . . "aah, . . I picked him up in Africa!"
 

Pennywise

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Two blond's walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it :rolleyes:
 
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A man walks into a bar with a big green frog on his head. The barman says "you know you've got a.........." The frog says " I know, it started as a pimple on my ass"
 

djnettelbeck

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A pony walks into a bar and clears its throat and the barman says "little horse are we?"
 

QldKev

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edit: a man walks into a bar, and realises it's not really a bar, it's AHB, and he just posted a redundant joke in a joke thread :ph34r:


Yes good one ya, now go back to your corner ya troll
 

mr_tyreman

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A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A pair of Jumper cables and a Bra walk into a bar, Bra says "2 beers thanx mate"

Bartender says, "im not serving you guys"

Bra says "why not?"

Bartender says "Well, your off ya tits and ya mate looks like he wants to start something"
 

Adamt

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bum

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*groan* all over this thread.
 

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